Hope

Hi Anl.. your thoughts make sense to me.. change and shaking things up. Its just finding the courage to do something. The mental anguish of trying to decide what to do (especially work wise) and then not being able to make a decision and then not doing anything is kinda getting me a little more depressed and anxious as time passes. It doesn't take Einstein to work out that I am slowly but surely moving towards some sort of mini-crisis point (not necessarilly gambling) and part of me is saying.. bring it on!

I have moments where i feel like a frightened animal in the car headlights.. the animal doesnt know which way to turn so gets run over. That example is over doing it of course.. but you get the drift. Thats how my thinking is today.. I may feel differently tomorrow. No gambling issues.. S.A

Feel for you SA, recognise that feeling well.

*Hugs*

Take care,

f x

Hi SA,

Your life doesn't have to build to crisis point my friend. Remember your 3% rule... keep putting this into place.

You are very self-aware(maybe a little too much for your own good;-)lol)

You know you best SA... ask for that assistance if you feel you need it... take control of your situation... just one thing to begin with... thats all it takes.

I am not quite sure what your job is but I have an idea. I might be barking up the wrong tree but you sound like I felt sometime ago... a 'kind of burn out'.

It is very difficult when you work with 'people' and you care a great deal as you obviously do. It becomes too much emotionally, fighting for them on a daily basis with all that is involved nowdays(money/red tape/staff etc). Just trying to do your best. Your job.

I know now, it was the best thing I did changing my job. It took me a long time to go, felt as though I would be letting 'others' down.

In the end, it boils down to just one thing... We must look after ourselves first & foremost.

You may of gambled a few times of late, but I really don't think that gambling is your real problem.

Sorry to of gone on, just want to help somehow & I know that its only you that can really do that my friend, but I am here for you and always listening.

Jackie x

Thanks Freda and Jac for your thoughts.

Hi jac its funny that you mention asking for assitance cos today I did go and ask for some support at work. It wasn't gonna come to me so i was pro-active and went to it. I did say a little about how i felt about things and it felt good to do so. Nothing has changed as such but it did feel good to say that i was feeling a bit of a stress head and unsure and uncertain and not really knowing what to do.. so thats postive.. 3% .. maybe something positve will come of it or maybe it won't.. but am reminded that its not healthy for me to try and deal with everything in my own headspace though that don't come easy.

My compulsive gambling is just the tip of the iceberg for sure. Arguably for all compulsive gamblers. If it was just about money or the thrill of gambling i'd only get burnt once and then i'd of learnt my lesson and not do it again. One of my issues is not finding talking support.. thats why i write alot cos its an outlet... better than nothing.

I think your right about the burn out thing to. I have a long history of doing emotionally demanding jobs. I choose not to say what i do at the moment but in the great scheme of things i think i will feel happier once I have moved on from current job. The organisation as a whole offers little support and thats part of the reason I feel a bit emotionally messed up half the time... and maybe its also that i live alone and go home and ruminate on stuff.

No gambling issues. I may have had the odd episode in recent times but my reality is that at no point have i succumbed to full on all out compulsive gambling. Ive for the most part been pretty stable for more than 5 years. Anyway thats me done.. S.A

Thanks for your post SA, your words described my episode more eloquently than I could.

The thoughts and feelings you described when being in action were spot on.

I do feel in some way I was punishing myself for being so happy in my marriage if not in my work.

I am beginnig to recover some stability today, it will be a non gambling one.

Love

W xxx

Take care W... whilst some gamblers play the blame game after a slip others turn in on themselves and beat themselves up.. metaphorically speaking. Perhaps the latter applies to both of us. The correct response is simply to take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and build those barriers a little higher as needed. For me my danger point is the wee samll hours after a drink or seven. I now have several barriers in place.

It has been a fairly good day today. Work was fine. No gambling issues. Reagrds to all who read this.. S.A

Good stuff! Glad you went and sought out some support.

I think it would be good for you to move on to something less demanding, but you will know yourself when you are ready to make that break i guess.

Take care of yourself mister,

f x

Thanks Freda.. yes indeed.. taking care of myself. When I do what feels right for me then it becomes easier not to gamble.

No gambling issues this weekend. I stayed in last night. No going out drinking. It always feels good to wake up on a Sunday morning feeling refreshed. Ive been down the gym. I did 13 kms in 1 hour 15 minutes. I havent done that distance since last October. Two hours or a smidgen under for my half-marathon in July is still a possibility. I keep doing my injury avoidance exercises and so far so good. Ive bought some fresh vege am gonna do myself a nice meal this evening.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Thanks for your post Sa,

I was speaking to someone face to face last night that reminded me a lot of you. Was it you? We both talked about how the field we had worked in was not the right one for us, as it was stressful. Around 8.30 - 9pm with Kate.

I may just be totally barking up the wrong tree!

f x

Hi Freda,

Wrong tree I think Freda. I was in a Ga meeting last night at that time. I got no idea who Kate is.

All ok with me. No gambling problems. It was a good Ga meeting yesterday. I listened with interest especially to a member with many many years clean who talked off how he used "Ga and his work" as his way of filling the void and staying off gambling. Doing this kept him off gambling for several years.

However ne says he then reached a new crisis point when he appreciated that being so overly involved with "Ga and work" and using them both as his "crutches" he hadn't been working on other areas of his life social, family and relationships etc. So that while he had stopped gambling what had really changed??

Now the real interesting part is that he did find his way through this "funk" and found the courage to ultimately make the changes that brought meaning and purpose to his life. He now comes perhaps once every 3 weeks or so to a Ga meeting but otherwise he now on the face of it seems to enjoy a "mixed social life" which he'd never had in his teens, twenties or thirties even though he'd stopped gambling for years during the latter part of this time.

I find his story very inspiring, cos it has so many parrelels with my own life. Gambling not only took my money it also took with it my social confidence and self-esteem. Like this learned Ga member said.. not gambling is not really the trully hard part of recovery.. its much more to do with coming to terms with missed opputunities in the passed AND most importantly finding the courage to make meaningingful changes that bring purpose to ones life... and a true sense of happiness and fulfilment. It all goes back to sense of self at the end of the day.

I make no bones that my diary has become one of my "crutches".. I only go to one Ga meeting a week and that is right for me and maybe not so much of a crutch as it has a social dynamic to it as well. Don't get me wrong am not in self-pity mode today. I just like to record these sorts of things for my own benefit.

A good day so far... had breakfast at the caf.. enjoyed writing my thoughts in some diaries.. a few things to sort out in thy home.. gym and sauna later.. taking life a day at a time as always... S.A

s.a.....i havent posted on your diary for a while but i have been closely following it since your wee mishap...basically all im saying is keep up the excellent postings on the diaries,today especially you posted fantastically to other diaries in words i couldnt have put together any better myself..keep it going my friend we can do this 😉

Hi S.A!

Sorry to see that you've had a little slip but its great to see that your right back on track within hours! How you stay as positive as you do is beyond belief but its an amazing quality to have and its something that will carry you through the tough times. Keep it up mate, you know better than most people on here what you need to do and i know your doing it. So on that note, keep it up bud!

Jimmy

Hi SA,

Nah you didn't hit a nerve! I have just had my mam prattling on at me for days, and so-called friends questioning what I am doing instead of just letting me be myself.

Was no excuse to gamble. I was just being bad on purpose. Need to find a new way of acting out, I think!

Glad to see you are doing well, things seem on more of an even keel.

Take care,

f x

Thanks all. No gambling iusses

Works a funny thing. Ive basically had a relatively good week work wise.. though am still left with this feeling of mental exhaustion.. Its like am slightly worried that... did I forward such and such an email to the wrong person and hence upset so and so or did i say the wrong thing regarding the situation with the piece of office equipment and should i have been the one to call out the fix it chap. Or did i remmber to pass on such and such message and s**t if i didn't it means that.... potential cattastrophy!! and I wonder if such and such minds me working form here and so the list goes on.. Do you get my drfit?

I find that its the cummalative effect of the day to day work issues and issues with collegues that just leaves me in a state of mild anxiety and mental flux. I guess thats work and i guess its me.. the people pleasing side of me. Am always the same this time on a friday.. chewing away in my thoughts on whats happened during the week.

Anyway no gambling problems. Time to centre myself by going gym and not to gambling... S.A

Just checking in for my daily no gambling medicine.. and in reading others diaries I have very much had my medicine.

The work stress stuff I wrote about yesterday has completey gone.. so thats good. I had a good run last night.. 11km in 1hour 1 min.. thats giving it some i tell ya. Wore a different running top and got sore nipples lol.. i shant be wearing that top again.

Anyway am off to meet a friend for an afternoon beer in the sun.. realistically I will be getting sloshed today. I have planned ahead though.. no cash card going with me, limited money in pocket and home journey planned. I will probably have a hangover tomorrow but i will not gamble. keep safe all.. S.A