Hope

Hi all,

Thanks for your support as always. Just checking in. No gambling problems. I am ill though. Got home from work yesterday and went straight to bed and their I stayed sweating and aching. The thought of eating makes me want to throw up. Am trying to keep the fluids up. Anyway on that cheery note its time to return to the horizontal position and wait to feel well again. I will catch up with other diaries when am well... S.A

Hi S.A.

Sorry to hear your not feeling very well! hope you get better quickly. One good thing about the horizontal position though is its very hard to gamble when all you can see is the ceiling!! so i have heard anyway 😉

get well soon

love linda xx

Am feeling a bit better today.. though slept badly. Didn't matter what position I lay in I could not sleep. My neck and shoulders started to ache so i new I was doomed. Just got up and sat on the sofa in the wee small hours. This afternnon my apetite has started to return. Probably by tomorrow I will be back to 80% of normal.. just in time for the working week.. o what joy! lol

Just a qucik update from my long post the other day. I went to this social club thing the other day. Turned out it was a club for divorced and widowed people. I went in as a guest.. but to be a part of it you have to be divorced or widowed funnilly enough. I am not. To be honest it was pleasant enough, friendly atmosphere but alot of the people were in their 50's and beyond. Am not ageist or anything but for me to go to a single/social type club on a regular basis I wanna meet people around my own age.. even though am not now a spring chicken myself. But anyway it was an experince ventured even though nothing will come of it.

Anyway am gonna go for a little walk and fresh air before settling down for the world cup final. Am gonna support Netherlands for no particular reason. Of course not having a bet on it.. it really doesnt matter who wins. I will enjoy the football occasion for the spectacle it is. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi s.a.

Good to hear you are feeling better! Not a fun filled weekend for you but there's always another weekend to look forward to!

Thank you for saying I make you smile that is a lovely thought, I can't be all bad after all!

I persuaded bike shop to lend me top of the range bike for weekend so had great time with no gambling you thoughts. Didn't know I could talk anyone into anything I am more of a sheep and easily led, so new found

confidence coming in useful!

As for waking up to a slug on your pillow! I shouldn't tell any prospective partners that one!! I bet you don't sleep

with your mouth open either!! Waking up to find a slug is one thing but to wake up findinding someting creepy that's left a trail and is hard to get rid off well that's more normal I think!! Lol

hope you have a good week with no gambling and feeling well.

Love linda x x

Cheers for checking in on me Linda 🙂

Went to work for 9 a.m was home by 10 a.m. Collegues took one look at me and said I shouldnt be at work. I soon came to the same conclusion.. pale, tired and sweaty.. though strangely not actually feeling that unwell.. atkeast not compared to earlier in the weekend. Anyway i got home took some Beechams and planned to have a little sleep.. but that just wasn't happening.. so i took the opurtunity to have a bit of clean and tidy up and actually managed to get stuck in this time.

You know how tempoary measures can have a habit of coming permanent features. Well thats exactly what has happened with my flat. The electric fire strategically placed on top of a low table to hide the gap in the wall paper and the bare plaster is still strategically placed on top of a low table to hide the gap in the wall paper and the bare plaster.. 3.5 years on!

Ive also dusted some stuff thats never been dusted, like this picture that i never got round to hanging up and my hoover thats got more dust and stuff on it than the carpet its designed to hoover. Ive also strageically re-positioned my sofas so the worn part of the carpet where ive always sat is covered.

I do feel a tiny bit of satisfaction that ive atleast made some in-roads into cleaning and tidying my place. I don't really want to live in dust and dirt and random things and clothes just left to fester where they happen to have landed.

It all kind of reminds me that i still suffer with depression. I find it hard to maintain certain standards in my day to day life sometimes. I find it hard to do stuff that simply benefits ME and MY own well being. Am always happy to do and/or support others and that brings a certain amount of self-satisfaction but with ME there always seems to be that underlying sense of punishing myself by allowing myself to live.. whilst not in squalor.. but just in an unkempt and idle manor. When in a negative way of thinking I feel as if i am not worthy of anything more.

This sort of thinking is something i have described about myself many times before and there's nothing like feeling unwell to bring this home to me. Of course my gambling fitted perfectly with my low-self worth. What better way not to have to think about how little I thought of myself than to stand and feed machines. Thankfully I don't do that anymore bar the very odd occasion when ive been drunk and vulnerable. But those events are getting rarer as time passes.

Its the slightly out of the ordinary days like today that remind me that i have to keep working on "self" otherwise I start to drift backwards and that will eventually take me back to gambling and i don't want to gamble. Its about so much more than will power and being strong (words I see written so often) in my opinion. For me its about working on character and lifestyle change and for me i can only tread water for so long before i start to sink.

Today i feel as if in tidying and cleaning my flat I am also tidying and cleaning my mind and injecting a little forward momentum. Physically i am rather unwell today but in terms of recover its a fairly good day. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

It sounds like you have really had a day to really reflect on your life today. Having strong willpower really is the key to going forwards and you seem to have that in abundance!

You are obviously not 100% today and trust me, we have all been in this situation. Perhaps you are thinking, what if it was a long term thing and you were unable to work? Yes, we are all in a vulnerable situation but what really is SO important is that we are all working towards a brighter future.

You should not feel a tiny bit of satisfaction with your cleaning and re-organisation - there should be a lot more than that! After all, when you gambled in the PAST, how much cleaning did you do? How much running did you do? See?

You will get better physically (it may just need a good sleep) and the mental thoughts will continue to be positive.

Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts from today - it will certainly get me ready for when I have days when I am not feeling 100% physically active.

Get well soon, mate!

Thanks November for your support. Am feeling progressively better. Whatever it was i caught my immune system is dealing with it. No gambling issues, though i am feeling lowish in mood.. but I think thats more to do with recent ill health i think than anything else.

Went for a swim this evening which i enjoyed. My appetite is now back with avengence.. am back to feeding like I am a family of four but as healthily as i can. The juicer has come out the back of the cupboard. carrots and apples suitably juiced a refreshing drink to help down the cheese and biscuits.. not quite so healthy.

I seem to be enjoying posting at the moment i guess thats a good thing.. Maybe I am on the verge of injecting some change into my life.. time will tell.. day at a time as always.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi S.A.

Good to hear you are feeling better.

Your tidying up of the flat probably helped clearing your mind too! I remember once getting in at 6am and feeling so guilty for loosing all my money I decided to be constructive and stripped of all the wallaper in the dining room, I then went to bed. Seven years later the room still had no wallpaper!! The house was clean and mostly tidy but how could we live with bare Walls for so long!! That's gambling it takes away normality and time and your pride! Visitors used to think i was obsessed with decorating and didn't realise it was never done!

I think it's good your enjoying posting at the minute it is therapeutic! Oh yes we also has a Spanish sun hat thing strategicaly placed on the ceiling which was to hide the fact that my son jumped up and down so hard on his bed the bed broke and his legs and feet came through the floorboards and made a hole on the ceiling! when we sold the house it was advertised as ripe for renovation!! More like needs demoliting!!

now yours is tidy try and keep on top of it! Remember a messy bed means a messy head!!! Or is it a tidy bed is a tidy head? Whatever hope your mood lightens as you regain your strength, depression is an actual deficency of a chemical in your brain so it's not a case of pull yourself together or snap out of it. if you think it's not going on it's own maybe you should see a dr? Well I do hope you get back in good health soon. take care love linda x x

Glad that you are feeling better, SA, and that the swim did you the world of good. Cheese and biscuits ARE OK to eat as long as you eat other healthy things. Two packets of crisps most nights are what I eat I have to admit but I would much rather do that watching TV than spending hours feeding reverse ATMs in the bookies like I used to do.

Any more running planned? Any more events? I now have one in October to look forward to - not sure if it's going to be a 13.1 mile run or a 5 mile run - we'll see how training goes.

November

Hi SA

Just popping in to say thanks mate for all your postings/support! I have bought my diary to an end and this time i will defo not be returning......You have been simply inspirational, top guy (odaat king!).

Hope life treats you good, take care. andrew

Hi SA

Thanks for post, appreciated.

Must admit to not having read your diary up to now but I will.

Hi

thank you for your kind words of support.

Also I don't feel quite as potty as I did knowing someone else has done some crazy things after an all nighter!!

I do actually wander though if there is some link between not eating and your body responding to the stimuli of slot machines. it just seems so many people who have been hooked on them say that they didn't eat or anything for huge periods of time. I know sleep deprivation was not a good thing for me either as that realy took common sense out of any equation.

Are you a good artist? Doing volcanoes? I can't draw or paint but am creative. Especially with the truth when I was gambling - I told some right stories to cover my tracks. I am also resourceful that comes from loosing all my money too.

But now I am just liking the fitness thing the swimming pool I use should be re opening next week after some one fell through the glass roof!! It didn't dawn on me until now but I wander what they were doing up there!

Take it easy getting back into your running these viruses or whatever you had can really knock you for six.

Well onwards and upwards we go

love linda x x

Hi Lindy,

I think the not eating when gambling is much more to do with the obsession with the slots than anything else.. who needs food when there's a jackpot just around the corner (not!). It was the thirst that really got me though.. those gambling hell holes use to get d**n hot. Hungry, thirsty, tired, stressed and skint.. o what joy those days were (not!).

Anyway all is ok today.. just a bit tired from the working week. Had a nice swim (30 lengths) and sauna and then to tesco.. which seems to be my Friday evening routine. Everybody piling out of tesco seemed to have booze as if "hey everyone its Friday.. lets get wasted!" I spent years getting drunk every Friday/Saturday night. Finally am starting to wise up to the fact that its a complete waste of time, energy and money.. just like the gambling really.

Am going out to get some new running gear tomorrow.. so i look the part and a change of tactics as well. Am gonna run out in the real world alot more.. short runs and often. None of this 10 miles on the tread mill on a week day evening and then being totally f***** for work the following day lol

Anyway thats me, no gambling problems, pootling along ok at the moment.. thankfully better from recent illness. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi S.A

Just wanted to pop in and thank-you for your continued support on my diary.

I've still not finished reading your full diary, but i am getting through it and can relate to so much of it.

Glad to hear things are all ticking along nicely with you.

Enjoy your weekend

Takecare mate

Hi S.A.

"Thank you that is very kind of you."

That is quite hard to do. I shall practise my friend.

I'm going to take a leaf out of your book and start doing some more exercise. Now my scar has healed me and my man can go swimming again.

Thank you for being here and being part of my recovery.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine