Hope

Hi Lb.. thanks for dropping in... well if you manage to read the whole volume from start to finish then you deserve a medal lol 🙂

Ive had a good day all in all. Early on I was asked if I wanted to go and play snooker and do ya know what.. I didn't.. so i didn't. In the past i would have gone simply because i'd been asked. But now I think first and decide what I want to do. Don't get me wrong i felt bad for about 10 minutes but then i was fine. I already had plans in my mind about how my day was going to plan out.. and I stuck to them.

First i went shopping and got some new running gear.. I havent been for a run since last race so am gonna get back on it.. but out on the roads rather than the gym. next i read the paper in a coffee shop before home for some lunch. After some lazy time and random telly I did some cleaning and tidying up and at last i have sorted my clothes out. Ive bagged up some old clothes ready for the charity people when they next come to collect. My flat is now in better place than it was 2 or 3 weeks ago and maybe that reflects the state of my mind to.

Have done been doing a bit of reading and posting on here which i always enjoy. Am gonna make a few calls soon cos I havent really spoken to anyone today and i feel the need to talk. Then i will have a long bath before an early night. Tomorrow I will be up early for a long run.

This is how my life in recovery has been today much better than the despair of having lost my money. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

we must have been writing at the same time time.(see my previous post) Glad you stuck to your guns. It is easier for a cg to make a plan and stick with it, then have it upset..and be at a lose end...

running a little bit every day is certainly better then doing it once a week and then go mad...

Love and Hugs

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Thanks Charly 🙂

Well I did what i said I would do. I was up with the larks and got an early bus into town and ran back, finishing off with a sauna and spa pool. It was a fantastic run, cloudy and breezy.. perfect running weather and no problems with shins... did around 9 miles. The tread mill is now history. R.I.P treadmill lol

What I appreciate now is how important it is to run on different and slightly uneven surfaces. There were grassy bits to run on as well as pavement and of course uphill bits as well as down hill bits. The point being that the stress in my running action is not going to exactly the same point on my shin as it would be on the flat bed of the tread mill. Its obvious realy isnt it.

Anyway my plan is two short runs in the week and a long run at the weekend. I am determined to do decent times for the half-marathon and once ive got that under my belt then it will be time for something longer.

Anyway today is a good day.. no gambling problems.. S.A 🙂

Hi s.a

good to hear you said no when you didn't want to do something! I suffer from the yes syndrome too! I want to say no and when I open my mouth yes slips out!! Then I regret it! So today I have a plan and that is I must say no three times!! It's 9.50 and I haven't said it yet! Already I have commited to a coffee with a friend when I don't really have time and an evening at an outdoor classical music thing, I am

more of a beyonce to a bethoven! So watch this space I am not a complete success story!!

Also your running in real life compared to treadmill is just the same as my cycling for real rather than aerobiking it's the little changes that make the big differences! Same with the gambling!!

Well stay in this good frame of mind it's bringing out the best in you!

Onwards and upwards! Over grass and gravel!! Lol

love linda x x x

9 miles and no treadmill! Well done!

I started joining the gym when I first entered the London Marathon with the aim of using the pool and the treadmill. The treadmill soon went out of the window as running outside is so much more interesting than running on the treadmill and watching boring music videos.

Am not running at the moment as I have a very busy summer ahead and I don't like running in temperatures of over 20 degrees.

But come September (which will be just TWO months before November!) I will start my Tuesday runs again with the jogging club as well as other days.

Keep up with your positive outlook on life - it really is there for your taking!

N

Thanks Lindy and November for your support 🙂

Ive been a bit of a stress head today.. all tired and feeling emotional and I reckon part of it is due to the run yesterday. In an ideal world i wouldnt have been at work, but alas I don't have that luxury. An early night tonight me thinks. I need to sleep.

Your so right November.. i did the half marathon the other week in temperatures of about 23 degrees and sunny intervals and only a slight breeze and boy o boy did I suffer from de-hydration. But the run i did yesterday was at about 17 degrees, cloudy and breezy and what a difference it made. I felt like I could run forever. I really enjoyed it. Like you ive decided to join a running club and see what its like training with others and perhaps also a social spin off to. I do worry about being so self-contained.. the older i get the worse it seems to get... only i can change this of course.

But yes like you say I have a basically positive outlook at the moment and I intend to keep it that way. No gambling problems.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi Stresshead (sorry, SA!)

Go steady with your running, you're not trying to win the next marathon, aren't you?! Me, I'd rather run in 10 to 14 degrees without any wind! I'm more of a winter runner, me!

I did run in a London Marathon when it was between 22 and 25 degrees and that really was a killer. But I am so proud to be able to say that I completed the hottest one ever! So many fell by the wayside that year. The less I mention the time, the better!

So glad that you have joined a running club. Running with others outside really will help you with your pace and help you not give up by walking.

Keep those positive thoughts going and keep those evil thoughts away. I managed to fight them off when they came earlier this evening and hope that they stay away for a long time. I'm not expecting them to stay away permanently just yet - that's a long time away.

N

Hi mate, just a quick one to say a huge thank you for always posting a positive message on my diary when i need it. Can always count on ya and makes me realise why i carry on using this site. Glad to see everythings going well on the gambling front and still doing well with the running!

Thanks a million

Jimmy

Hi Jimmy.. your welcome. Like i say I can totally relate to your gambling experinces.

Its been a good day today. Went to the running club and really enjoyed the run with a bunch of others who were at a similar level of fitness. We went out into the country side across fields and through the woods getting swiped by nettles and brambles.. but i loved every minute of it. I was able to relax and enjoy and challenge myself and a little light banter with the others. Maybe just maybe this is the beginnings of a social life. I am tired of being on my own so much.

No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A

What a lovely thing to drop by and read of you thoroughly enjoying your day 🙂

It makes me think of how hanging out with heavy drinkers doesn't seem to be too good for you - but this, well you seem to feel in your element. Really glad you found something social that fits like a glove, you are such a great person with lots to offer, but its hard making new friends for sure. I have that problem too, but am getting there!

Something about challenging yourself in a sport that feels great, isnt there? I swam 1100 metres yesterday, and felt great!

Take care,

f x

Thanks Freda.. am doing 30 lengths each time I go swimming at the moment.. eyes start stinging if I do longer.. but dont like wearing goggles.

Am having a good day so far. Had caf breakfast and then a swim and sauna and then some shopping. Just home and now am doing a bit of cleaning and tidying up. Ordinary living stuff but thats fine with me. Normally I don't really enjoy Saturdays cos i don't know what to do with myself.

Am out to play snooker in a while and then onto some British Legion club that my mate wants to check out. he's more a casual accquaintance really.. dont know him very well.. but thought hey give it a try.. step out my comfort zone and all that. Must admit though.. i really don't think its gonna be my cuppa tea. I think that whilst hanging out playing snooker and drinking beer is better than just drinking beer and people watching.. its still not really my thing. Of course I can choose not to drink but in reality I will find it hard not to.. but I will try cos i want to go running tomorrow morning.. and if i have a hangover i simply won't go.

Thants it ive made my mind up.. no drinking tonight!!.. pints of lemonade me thinks. Of course ive also got to think of the gambling aspect.. drinking leads me vulnerable to gambling.. though this kind of scenario is less dangerous than going to a proper club until the wee small hours. I don't wanna go really do i. Part of me said i would go along along cos i didn't have the gumtion to say no... the old people pleasing thing

But hey like i say.. I need to step outside my comfort zone. I may just enjoy this evening and have some nice chats with random people. My usual Saturday night consists of watching documentarys and old episodes of Inspector Morse type programmes lol and then tucked up in bed by 10.30...

.. I am changing you know bit by bit.. lifetsyle change. I know the sorts of things that are good for me and the sorts of things that arent. The thing that am really starting to appreciate since starting this diary is that its only me that can make changes to my life.. nobodys gonna do it for me.. its my life. Ultimately we are all alone.. that thought use to scare the hell out of me.. but the older I get the more it doesn't. Its just one of those facts of life and death.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Well i think its the last time I go to a British legion type place.. everybody was very nice but aged 50 - 80. Even my mate who's a decade older than me thought that it was too old for him to. Having said that we had a few games of snooker so it was pleasant enough. Went to get the last bus home but it didnt show up so had to get a taxi which was a pain. But thankfully due to not gambling I had the money. Chances are that if I was gambling I would have had to walk the few miles home.

I was up early this morning and went for a long run.. best part of 10 miles. Ive still got my belly though it doesnt seem to shift. I was supposed to be meeting a friend for Sunday lunch but he's cancelled. I think its to do with money. Hes a gambler also you see and he owes me £30. Normally I don't lend or ask for money, I see it as old behaviour. But because i'd known this mate for so long and I didn't think his gambling was out of control I din't see the harm.. he was starpped for cash in the moment.

The thing for me is not so much the money cos £30 isnt that much but its the obvious b******t reason why he cant meet up and no mention of the money or when we are gonna meet up. I'd rather he just say i havent got the money. I wouldnt have a problem. If he said that i'd quite happilly say.. dont worry about it. I guess just for a moment today I can empathise with how it must feel to be the family or partner of a Cg. Anyway thats enough of that.

Am away for a few days now so won't be posting. Planned family visit. I don't expect any gamling urges this time but if they do come along I will cope with them. My resolve and coping skills are strong at the moment. Long may that continue. Regards to all who read this. Thanks for listening.. S.A

£30 is a huge amount of money for me at the moment! Until I pay off my credit card in December, that is. Then I am going to start saving for an iPad (and it should not take that long to save for one). And an iPad is quite a bit more than £30!

It's strange how we see money in so very different amounts. Putting £10 in an FOBT this time last year was like extremely small money, £100 was just about the limit of comfort. When it started to get to multiples of £100 at one sitting that's when I started to get really worried. Now, £10 seems like a huge amount of money to me. Gambling really does make you lose respect for money.

You have encouraged me to start running again as I don't normally run in this time of the year. Now that work is coming to the quietest period of the year, I really need to start doing something to take my mind off any urges that I will get. Starting with a short run today and the running club tomorrow!

You say that your friend was a gambler "also". But you're not a gambler any more aren't you?! I have let people down a few times in the past few months when invited to a social event because I do not want to spend money because I feel forced to. If I want to go somewhere for a good time then I am happy to treat myself a little but not when I am forced to spend say £8 on ham, egg and chips when it costs a fraction of this to make one at home. I have had a few social events at home which I think have been much more enjoyable than spending excessive money elsewhere. Once December comes and goes, then I will change my perspective. I just have real priorities at the moment.

I don't think that it really matters the age of the people in your company - if they're pleasant and you enjoyed it then keep going! Could you have run home instead of getting the taxi?! Or even walked?! Sorry, but the value of money is very high to me at the moment!

Keep resisting those urges as you seem to be doing and keep enjoying life!

D

Glad to hear you are stepping out of your comfort zone SA!

It is so easy to say 'maybe tomorrow i will step out of my comfort zone, but not today...' I am a naughty pixie because Ive been spending too much time in my comfort zone lately, but then you cant go grasping the nettle all day everyday i guess.

Anyways, hope you enjoy your trip.

Take care,

f x

Thanks for the posts 🙂

Am back from family visit and all is well. No gambling and no gambling urges... just the occasional thought about the lottery. Though having not bought a single lottery product since the summer of 2004 I see no reason for that to change. For me gambling always leads on to more gambling.. so I have to stay clear of that first bet however inconsequential it may seem. If I don't have the first bet i cant have the second.

Stayed a day longer than planned at my sisters, so i guess I was having a pleasant time. I enjoyed entertaining my 6 year old nephew playing football and generally messing around though I found it all quite emotionally exhausting. How quickly young children can go from laughter and joy to tears and tantrums and my god the early mornings every morning. I can hack being woken up at 6 a.m for a few days but am glad to be back to me, myself and my flat and my usual sleep patterns habits and routines. I have every respect for parents its an awsome responsibility and no doubt totally changes ones outlook on life.

I am comfortable in myself about not having children... its a life choice I choose to make. The older I get the less I feel any societal or family pressure in that respect and that feels quite liberating. Thats not to say that i don't have emotional voids and needs in my life, cos I do, but I do not need children to somehow make me feel complete. Does that make sense?.. well it does to me anyway.

Something happened today which would never have happened if i'd been gambling. I found £20's in a draw. I'd simply forgotten it was there. If I was in gambling mentality (and especially after a loss) i'd no exactly how much money I had and where it was. It was a pleasant surprise and a nice feeling.

And yes "november" I agree that £30 is a significant amount of money. I think thats why i mentioned it in that post.. I was a bit narked I thought my mate was gonna somehow worm his way out of paying it back. Take advantage of my good nature or something. But agian I was wrong.. my slightly mis-trustful and my slightly paranoid outlook was mis-placed. Mate was texting me during the week wanting to know when i was back and when we could meet up so that he could give me the dosh back. We met up last night over a few beers a nice evening had.

Last night was the first night ive been a bit merry for good few weeks. I was safe from my addiction cos I was not on my own and it really was 3 or 4 beers and not 6 or 7 and not half a dozen sickly sweet vodka based shorts which has often been the way with me.

Perhaps I really am starting to mature and consider the consequnces before doing things that are just pure "instant gratification". Don't get me wrong am far from perfect. I still do certain other things of an instant fix nature but gradually over time I am sttarting to be good to myself more and more.. my unhealthy escapist ways getting less. I do genuinely think that the second half of my life is going to be so much more nourishing than the first.

Ive just swam 30 lengths down the pool. I am looking forward to a long run tomorrow. Am gonna eat well and healthy this evening so am in good shape for said run.

All in all things are generally fine. Am trying not to worry undully about stuff and trying to be positive about my life and how I am choosing to live it. Thanks for listening.. S.A