Hope

Good to see you having a good time. Being mistrustful if something you will overcome in time. Looks like you had a great week. Great stuff!

Thanks for your thoughts Fruity 🙂

I think my issues of mistrust have come from being around other recovering gamblers (for one reason or another) for along periods of time. I get to see through the b******t. Words are pretty meaningless really.. its actions that matter. When I was "at it" I was hopless at bullshitting my way out of it.. i'd usually just end up bursting into tears or something similar.

Its been a good day today so far. Had my long morning run.. slowly but surely I am fine tuning myself so I avoid injury and blisters and all that.. and slowly building up my stamina. I feel like I will make some osrt of breakthrough time wise in the next race. I don't feel like a novice anymore. I know what I need to do.. its just a question of doing it.

Bit like recovery from gambling addiction really.. the theory isnt rocket science.. its just a question of putting it into practice and keep putting it into practice. keep working on myself.

Back to work tomorrow. I don't want to go. It is time for me to move on. Am no longer totally stressed by work which i have been for much of this diary.. but I have now reached a place where I want to move on or maybe have a situation where i can continue to work a few hours at what i do and have another job somwhere else doing something different. The time has finally come to get my finger out and start applying for something. A change is as good as a rest.

Must admit that when I think about moving on it does give rise to a slight urge to buy a lottery ticket. Its like the gambler within me says.... well if you could just win a bunch of money then you could take your time looking for something else without having the pressure of being in a job i want to move on from. Thats how they market the lottery of course.. "you gotta be in it to win" and "it could be you!" bla bla bla. Anyway like ive said recently I havent bought a lottery ticket since the summer of 2004.. 6 years.. quite something.

Anyway i won't buy a ticket.. its lazy, idle dream like thinking. The way forward is for me to put some effort in to find something new in my working life. Anyway thats me.. I seem to be back in good flow as far as diary writing goes.. it continues to help me. I quite like the fact that anybody might read it.. gets me feeling slightly less lonely i spose.. though I must say when i feel good about myself I feel less lonely even though I continue to spend quite alot of time in my own company. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi S.A,

Thought i'd have a little look at your recovery thread as you have so kindly read about my predicament.

I'm also interested in the concept the lottery ticket scenario. A couple of months back when I vowed to stop gambling (AGAIN) my partner asked whether I could buy a lottery ticket on the way home for her. I was all high and mighty about how this was a form of gambling and she wasn't helping matters by asking me to do such a thing. Then it got me thinking. There are so many regular things in life that everyone else seem to do which don't end up in the mess that I've got myself into. World Cup syndicates at work - that was another. Oh go on it's only £2 and you've got to get involved. By doing even these minor things it continues the theme of gambling in my life and prevents me from even contemplating a full recovery.

I think forums are a good way in which to feel less lonely my friend so continue to splatter your thoughts into cyber space. It's good to share feelings and experiences.

I, too, am dreading going back to work. In dropping every single penny you've worked so hard for through gambling it acts as a massive disincentive to attend let alone be motivated when there.

Do you think a move in job will cause any unnecessary stress which may lead to other things? Or will a fresh challenge stop you from stagnating and alleviate some boredom?

Thankyou for your thoughtful reply.

Ive been mulling on your questions and havent really come to any firm conclusions. I think on balncce it is better to be in a job than not in a job.. especially for me being a recovery Cg. To have time on my hands and dwindling money builds up pressure and stress and may as you say, lead to "other things" but on the otherhand I am stagnating to a degree and emotionally I sometimes feel very messed up. I often arrive home just feeling drained, not especially because of the actual work but because of the politics and personalities and limited support and opputunities of working for a relatively samll organisation.

I do need change I think but am not just gonna walk without something to go to.. that would be madness. I know plenty of people who want to work but cant find it. I appreciate having a job in the current climate.

No gambling issues. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Evening S.A

Just a thought that maybe this is something that you may enjoy?

http://www.parkrun.com/events/UK.aspx

Im doing my second run this weekend , not in your league ..lol 43 mins my first attempt....

Hope you make the right changes for you regarding your future .

TC

Kim x

SA

Your posts are really positive and give a good many people real hope that with hard work, dedication and continued vigilance - this awful affliction can be beaten.

Keep up the good work mate and I hope that work wise things work out for you as well - whatever you decide.

All the best

Hatch

Hi SA

Good man! you have decided to make a change, but are realistic that this will take time. If you are committed to bringing this change about, it will happen for you in time, im sure.

As for your question...I will always be a naughty pixie Im afraid. Its an incurable, degenerative disease, that will only get worse over time 😀 😀 😀

Take care,

f x

Yes Freda your comments are very timely... had a meeting with management today.. the stark reality of a struggling and poorly run organisation laid bare. I have decided what i want to do and I am committed to bringing about this change.. though i am a bit emotionally all over the place this evening.. any sort of change i find hard.. I feel happy one minute, angry the next, scared the next but i think that finally am on the verge of making change with my working life.

For the most part the whole of this diary has been consumed with work stuff in one way or another. Brief moments when am not consumed but mostly I am.. cant help it.. on and on and on it goes. But finally I think..conclusion and closure gets closer. I want to free up my mind and move forward.. am tired of the struggles in my thoughts.

Had some gambling thoughts today but am able to dismiss them. Thanks for listening.. S.A

I just bought some new ink cartridges.. not re-fills but the real deal.. cost me £32.. the printer was very happy with them. Its just that the ****** feeder would feed the ****** paper through without scrunching it up till it got hopelessly stuck. I have now smashed the ****** printer to pieces! Aggghh!! Mights as well have gambled the money. f*** f*** f*** f*** f***... not avin a good day. struggling. Off for a good run this evening. S.A

Phew...easy SA, sounds like you are having a shocker.....get on that run and produce some of those positive little endorphins!

Hi again S.a,

I can honestly say i would rather have your day at the moment. Just think, your not gambling! Thats the best thing about your day and rmemeber that! Your dedication to this site by helping others is phonominal! I've got a huge amount of respect for ya! Keep up the good work mate!

Jimmy

Thanks Evanru and Jimmy.

The printer incident has now passed into history. Of course it was not the printer that was bothering me really. I had had a bad emotional reaction to the meeting with bosses at work. It takes me a bit of time to process stuff and sometimes I just find it hard to do that. My problem is that i tend to ruminate on stuff. I guess it doesnt help living alone. Normal wisdom says talk it through but sometimes I just cant find my words or someone to talk to when am feeling het up or emotional. Often i need time and space.

As it stands I have now returned to my normal way of thinking and being.. I am calm and chilled. I am of course minus printer and £32 but hey its not the end of the world and yes jimmy I didn't gamble. In the past i'd of gone straight to gambling.. I coped not in an ideal way but I did not gamble.. and thats what its all about. maybe i should get a punch bag or something. Actually I had a good run last night and that helped for sure.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

SA, just keep writing it down. We are all here reading/listening to what you have to say. I have total respect for somebody like you who has been posting on here for years. Keep your chin up fella. Russ

Hi SA

No need for a punchbag m8 .I can see by reading you diary over the past few months that your anger outlet id running.It gives you time to vent your anger and also gives you time to reassess the situation.Its good you didnt gamble m8 like you may have in the bad old days.All the best Jeff.

Hi S.a

Thanks for the post on my diary. I hope your having a better day today! Glad your managing your urges well and taking out your anger on a printer instead of reverse cash machines!

Keep up the good work mate

Jimmy