Hope

Thanks everyone.

Strange how every day is different. Am feeling really down today. Went for a long run but it didn't lift my spirits which is unusual. Ive spent the rest of the day comfort eating and escaping into the internet (not gambling I might add) and generally moping around feeling sorry for myself. I think events at work are once more affecting me.

Anyway see if i can sleep tonight.. maybe I will feel in a more positive frame of mind tomorrow. No real thoughts of gambling, which is positive i spose. In the past i'd of spent all day gambling on "down days" but am able to remind myself that using gambling as a pick me up only leads to financial drain and personal misery.. I will give that a miss. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Thanks for the encouraging message S.A,i hope your feeling a bit more upbeat today:).

Seano.

Thanks seano,

Yeah am feeling slightly more upbeat today. Had a good chat with my sister and got stuff out my system. I also did some writing as if writing an email but then not actually sending it.. just another thing i do to get stuff out my headspace.

Its hard living with a low level functioning depression.. going through the motions but not thriving. Stopping gambling doesnt make everything great.. it just means i have more money and don't lurch from one crisis to the next.. which is a good thing of course.. but as for crafting out a life that brings me joy and happiness its just something i havent been able to acheive as yet.. one step at a time eh.. baby steps. No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA

sorry to hear the cycle repeats itself once more! remember though, nothing changes if nothing changes! I understand that work-wise its difficult to 'make it happen' in a recession, but do something different, get out of the rut. When is the next outing with that group you ran with? you seemed to really enjoy that 🙂

Strike up a conversation with someone at the gym or bus stop, you know, just something small, it can be surprising how much it can lift your spirits.

take care,

f x

Yes Freda.. yes I guess in the great scheme of things the cycle repeats itself.. though nothing is ever exactly the same. I think the nature of my work unhappiness has changed from one of struggling with collegues to boredom and frustration and a realisation that am going absolutely nowhere.. just more of the same.. stuck in a rut. My organisation is shrinking.. struggling to survive.. another round of redundancies.. but it doesnt inlcude my job becuase its the future really (without actually saying what i do). I guess I should be happy with that but am not really. Redundancy would force me to find something else. As it stands I simply do what I do and go home. Better in a job than not in a job and all that. I felt so low going into work today.. I dont really undertsnad it.. tomorrow i shall go in with my positive head on.

As for the running its going great.. was out with the club this evening... really enjoyed it. A new member showed up very attractive she was. She was nervous so of course I did my nice welcoming bit and we ended up running together. It was nice.. though at the end she made a point of talking about her boyfriend.. ya know like girls do when there not interested or not available. To be honest I wasnt especially chatting her up.. I kind of new at a glance that she's well out of my league lol.. it actully made it easier to talk to her if you know what i mean. Turns out she was the physically fitest of our group as well.. she beat me in a sprint finish.. cow! lol 🙂

Anyway no gambling problems.. thanks for listening.. S.A

S.A.

Thanks for your post in supporting the problem gambler. Went rowing for 2 hours last night and feel a lot better today.

Things turned around for you in a few days and you sounded more upbeat yesterday.

The work thing. Sometimes just making some changes helps. Like doing some retraining with your new found wealth. Going to a night class - learning to write novels or make boats! I don't know, something that inspires you. Maybe something vocational - what would you like to do, but never had a chance??

Cage

Thanks Cage,

yes am much more upbeat the last few days am back into the steady rythm of life, no highs, no lows just somewhere in between. No gambling problems, no urges, no thoughts. Went for a long run this evening, first time on a friday.. enjoyed it lots. though I was probably a bit stinky on the bus getting home. Touch wood no injury problems at the moment.

Went to Ga the other night first time for a while. A member had a pinning for many many years off gambling. His story is awsome especially as its so similar to mine. He escaped into gambling instead of getting a social life.. a social phobic really. But after many years of abstinence he finally faced his fears and woke up one morning to find he was actually enjoying life rather than just going through the motions. I take great inspiration from his story.

Anyway thats me for now. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Just want to acknowledge that I have not gambled but it was a close run thing. The addict within me is still alive and kicking. Having gone through the summer without drinking too much, what did I do last night?? drank too much... and then what did I want to do?? .. have a good gamble of course!! What stopped me??.. Well to be honest the only thing that stopped me was that one of the attendants on duty recognised me, cos he was on duty when i'd got myself banned. He was standing outside having a f*g. I walked in and 8 seconds later I was escorted out. I thanked him. I got away with it this time by the skin of my teeth but it was luck rather than judgement. My guardian angel was on my shoulder.

Anyway its a new day I remain gambling free.. onwards and upwards... S.A

P.s Note to self.. if I always do what i always did I will always get what i always got.

Gosh SA, that was a close call. Yes, a huge well done to that attendant but you really have to be careful with your drinking. I do enjoy a drink but know when it's time to stop. Perhaps you need to do the same.

As for running, you're doing much better than me! Summer is not my time for running due to my asthma being worse at this time of the year but I always start again.

And I have another reason to do so as I've just bought a Garmin Forerunner 110 - my first gadget purchase for many, many months. It's on offer at Amazon if you're interested. I used to have a Forerunner 205 and it was an amazing gadget and am really looking forward to testing this one out!

Keep those demons away mate and keep up with your running.

October (55 days to go)

Thanks October.. enjoy your gadget... gotta treat ourselves.

As for my drinking I rarely drink nowadays. My drinking has been going in a positive direction for a long time. Trouble is when i do drink I just have a low tolerance for it, get drunk quickly and then the after effects seem to hang around for an age. It still seems that every now and again i have to remind myself of this. Maybe before a next time I will just have a read of my diary and see how dangerous it is for my recovery. Anyway no damage done. I remain gambling free. Its been a good few months now. Am looking forward to a good run this evening. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Yes, you're right, no damage done and that really is the most important thing. This incident will have made you channel your thoughts about your drinking and no, there is absolutely nothing wrong about enjoying a little drink as long as you know your limits.

"You remain gambling free" Long may this continue and enjoy your Bank Holiday run, lovely day for it!

October (54 days to go)

Just checking in. After my close encounter over the weekend am back on an even keel. Ive had a fairly good day in myself... feeling just fine. No gambling problems.. S.A

Another day passing gambling free. Sometimes I get a bit sad when am around and talking with people who have obviously never been addicted to anything and have lived and continue to live very fulfilling lives in all aspects of life.

I cant dwell on my past... though sometimes its hard not to. At the end of the day i am a thirty something bloke who's never settled down, has never settled into a career and has never really fullfilled his potential.

Its why gambling or thoughts of gambling remain quite close to me despite being for the most part gambling free for several years. Accepting my reality and doing something about it is of course an ongoing thing.

Ive actually had a fairly good day today. Onwards and upwards, trying to make up for those lost years as best i can.. one day at a time. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Glad you had a good day today.

Just a thought... how do you know for 100% sure that other people have never been addicted to something?

I managed to keep mine hidden for 30 odd years, unfortunately....!

Forget the past, concentrate on the future, mate, and you are doing so well - keep it up!

October (52 days to go)

Thanks October.. yes your right, its not like people broadcast there skeletons in the cupboard when youve just met them.

A largely good day today. Just been for a long run this evening but I fell over when crossing a busy road. Tripped over me own feet. I nearly got squished. I was more embarrassed than anything. Passing by just kinda looked at me a bit. I got to my feet a few scrapes but nothing major and then carried on running. I will survive.

Note to self: be careful when running and crossing roads.

No gambling problems.. all is fine on that front.. thanks for listening.. S.A