Hope

Hi SA, it's good to hear that you are still in one piece after your little trip! I hate it when I turn my ankle over whilst just doing the simple thing of walking down the street.....one looks like a right old idiot! Leading on from Octobers point, I reckon nearly everybody has some type of vice (clearly some are more serious than others!). You never know what goes on behind closed doors! You've still got plenty of time to reach your full potential. Russ

Yes, just watch those kerbs! I was knocked over once by some idiot on a bike (and he rode off without saying anything...!). Like you, I got up and finished the run as that's the most important thing!

Got my GPS watch a couple of days ago but not had the chance to try it yet as I'm still not quite feeling 100%. But had a go at wearing it whilst driving and it works great! The Garmin Connect online tool is fantastic! Really looking forward to logging my runs soon!

Have a great weekend, SA, and get busy living!

October (49 days to go)

Thanks for your thoughts October. Your support is much appreciated.

No problems on the gambling front.. am having a good day today. Am in the after glow of another long run. Am really enjoying it at the moment, starting to up my mileage and frequency. Club nights tends to be speed and hill work and my solitary runs are the distance runs. 12 miles on Friday night and 12 miles this morning. Next week if am still feeling so good I will up the long run to 13 miles ie the full half-marathon. I must be cautious though. I know that shin pain maybe just around the corner once again. I will listen to what my body is telling me.

I was a bit depressed yesterday. The usual dilemmas of wether to go out on the Saturday night or not and the potential for getting into the drinking. By 8 pm when i'd finally decided not to go out my depression quickly lifted but up until then I kinda got reminded of my own loneliness and i started to beat myself up. I keep meaning to get back into the internet dating lark and sign up for a class this autumn.

There's some social stuff coming up with running club but am to dependant on running really. I need another outlet.. just to meet new people not just women. I want a social life. I want too do something about this. Like October says.. get busy living!

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Good to see you going strong s.a.....whilst a few beers tends to let our guard down i dont think you should be afraid to have a good social night oot..with friends you feel comfortable with im sure you could let your hair down...dont let fear ruin your social life mate...well done on your continuous abstainence we can do this 😉

hi SA

thanks for your post - good to know im making sense! lol.

I enjoyed reading your last post too, because you totally know yourself, know the problem, and know what you have to do. The only thing that is missing is taking action!

I hope you do take the plunge and sign up for dating. It is relatively cheap really, and just focus on dating and having fun. Take one step at a time, you know? You don't have to plunge straight into a meaningful relationship. That may be the ultimate goal, but just break it down into steps mate. Step one, just get back into the swing of it and go on a few dates. Step 2 will take care of itself, but not until you get going with step 1!

Take care,

f x

Hi S.A.,

You said something about being with people who have never been addicted and who have fulfilled lives.

Many people don't have empathy cos they've had a charmed life. I can see you have empathy by the bucket loads, just by the way you respond to everyone.

Do you know, that's a wonderful achievement. In my mind, most under-rated.

Just one small point, people have facades of fulfilled lives. Even they will feel emptiness and despair. Unlike you, they are too afraid to speak about it.

Keep writing that man and move onto another level when you are ready.

Cage

Bleeding hell!

All those 12 mile runs!

Seems like yesterday that you were apprehensive about your first half marathon!

Won't be long before your first full marathon, eh?! Now that will be an achievement to be proud of!

October (47 days to go)

Hi Cage.. I was very touched by your comments.. thankyou. I don't have anybody to help me lift my spirits when am down and sometimes my own inner resources simply arent up to it. Ive always suffered with low-self esteem... if am honest with myself its really low at the moment.. work only serves to structure my week and pay my bills. I dont want to be there anymore and yes October obsessive running seems to be my only outlet (o and obsessive diray writing of course) and am going for it big time at the moment.

I ran with a faster group at club tonight and in the pouring rain.. absolutely loved it.. between 8 and 9 minute miles for an hour.. splashing through the puddles and the mud. i was with other obsessive runners.. all blokes, minimal talking, just hard running. If someone had got left behind then so be it, if someone had fallen in the canal then so be it.. they would have clambered out.. sod em lol We were a bunch of competitive blokes doing what comeptitive blokes do. I feel like a mans man when am running.. do you know what i mean?? I was brought up in a female dominated household.. i guess its no surprise that am able to get in touch with my feelings and all that... but when am running am a bloke.. alpha ****** male eat ya heart out.

I have not gambled today.. so another day has passed gambling free.. onwards and upwards.. S.A

Hi S.A.,

Ooah...my younger brother grew up in a house full of women like you, rather than gamble he got angry. Eventually he went to anger management before his second family went down the pan. He did it for 5 years and like you he has to do a bit of alpha male stuff to get back to feeling normal. He now does martial arts and the anger is controlled.

Part of his therapy was to give me a right rollicking about me being the bullying older sister.....I'm not a bully now...or at least I don't think I am!!

My brother does the alpha male stuff and is also someone I can speak to as my marriage goes down the pan. Now kinda rounded and content in himself.

Your words made me think. My hubby was the youngest of a load pf boys and they still push him around. Maybe the gambling is his way, just like it was yours. Worse thing is, maybe the role I had in our family (second fiddle to a fatherless family) has negatively impacted my hubby.

Anyway, I was wondering, have you ever spoken to your mum and sisters about how it was growing up with a family full of women? I found it hard to listen, but history can't be changed all one can do is work hard at not repeating it. They may even find it helpful to move on if there is any baggage still lying around.

Keep going alpha male but don't lose the caring side.

Cage

Hi cage,

Thank you for your response. No I havent spoken with my mum or sisters about the past... and to be honest I don't want to. My family doesnt operate that way. None of us are open with each other when it comes to deeper stuff (whatever deeper stuff is). I think we are all quite traditional and conservative and polite and controlled in our emotions. I certainly havent got the courage to try and change that dynamic particularly after all these years.

I love my family but they are not really a part of my support when it comes to not gambling. I get a look sometimes as if to say "are you at it".. to which I give a look that says "no am not" lol.. theyd know anyway if i was.. I go to ground, i couldnt afford to visit etc etc.

Am in the libray today (home puter on the blink) so cant explore further. No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

Loving all this alpha male stuff! But remember not to lose your caring side, otherwise we may see you lining up in the 2012 Olympics 100m final alongside Usain Bolt.

And winning!

October (45 days to go)

Hi SA

Just popping in to thank you for all your support over the last 14 months, my year gamble free is tomorrow....You where the first poster on my diary and you have inspired me on my journey! Said a while ago, so i gonna say it again.... you are the ODAAT king i bow to you.

Genuine respect, thanks SA...take care, ands

Thanks guys 🙂

Just checking in like I do. Ive just glanced at a couple of diaries.. returners in the preverbial s**t. The selfish thing is that there thoughts are very good medicine for me. I don't want to go back to the hell that was my gambling.

Things are ok today.. I am going through the usual stresses and strains of my life and the resulting fluctuations of my mood.. but not anything that others don't experince and cope with. I am not special or different. I am just human bumbling along as best i can negotiating the bumps in the road as I do..and without gambling.

Of course this is all done one day at a time! .. thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A

Yep One day at a time, thats the way i'm coping with it now too, both the gambling side and the other things in my life.

I hear you when you talked about low self esteem in an earlier post as i too suffer from the very same thing.

Glad things are better for you today, and well done on your on-going recovery, as we all know when we are struggling with other things in our lives its so easy just to revert back to the gambling to just forget them.

So well done my friend

Keep up the good work

Takecare

Hi SA/alpha male,

Of course, one day at a time is the only way forward so early in our recovery journeys (which will take years).

But it's another day towards reducing our debts and another day of positivity.

Have a lovely gamble free weekend.

November (73 days to go!)