Hope

Thanks Guys.. rest assured I shall be abseiling into your diaries sometime soon. 🙂

Am having a good day today. I like Sundays, always have done. No gambling problems.

I did my usual long run, just shy of 13 miles in 2 hours 11 minutes. Am very pleased with this, especially as it was warm sunshine all the way and plenty of hilly bits and given the fact that I had to stop from time to time due to traffic I am very much on course for a sub 2 hour 10 half-marathon.. and you never know maybe a little closer to the 2 hour mark than I originally expected.

My main problems at the moment are over doing it and getting injured and surprisingly enough keeping my weight down. I am eating enough for 2 easilly and its going straight to my belly. A good pair of legs and strong heart and lungs but still a wobbly belly. Am really enjoying my running at the moment though.

Anyway after my run and a wash and change I stumbled across a city centre festival. I stayed for a while listening to life music, visiting various stalls and generally enjoying the atmosphere and the great variety of human kind milling around. I felt very chilled out.

I stumbled across a stall about a social club so picked up some info and will attend a social pub night thing later in the month. Maybe something will come of it. Like Ive said many times am tired of having a very limited social life. A social life is a big thing for my on-going recovery. Trying to step out of my comfort zone. next weekend all being well I go to a barbecue with the running club again something which I would never do when actively gambling, partly a social confidence thing and partly cos i simply wouldnt have any money.

I feel as if finally I almost ready to be pro-active on the job search thing. If I could find a new job with ok hours and ok people i'd be over the moon. I don't really care if it doesnt pay very much. But if i feel happy and comfortable at work then it has such a postive effect on my overall well being.

Its like everything in life. You get out what you put in. Ive spent so many years not really putting very much in to my life.. just gambling and gambling and drinking. Slowly I am trying to change.. it is not easy.. but I continue to be up for the challenge and make changes when the moment feels right.

As I red somewhere else.. problem gambling is not about money, it is about not dealing effectively with negative emotions. Perhaps that is the hardest challenge of all. But like i say I continue to be up for the challenge of changing myself and how i deal with my life. Today is a good day in recovery. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

A really thought provoking post and lovely to read, thanks!

Like you, I have had many, many thoughts about my social life as it's not what I would really like it to be. I do like my private life but would love to mix more with people socially without it being connected to work. That's why I am desperate to start jogging again once I shake of this cold!

2 hours and 10 minutes, that's great! I can probably managed 2 and a half hours if I ran a half marathon at the moment (even though my PB is 1:51!) but once I start jogging again, I will certainly be looking into entering a few events next year. Are you doing the same?

All the very best on the job hunting front, there is a job out there waiting for a person like you!

November (72 days to go)

Hi SA

Really glad to hear you are taking some small steps to affect change where it is needed. It is scary at first, but like you say, just trying out a couple of new things is a good start.

Hope it all goes well 🙂

f x

Hi f.. yes for sure 🙂

Feeling a bit agitated about stuff this evening.. it will pass am sure.. i am feeling over tired. No gambling problems.. S.A

Ive just been on a bill paying frenzy, everything is well ahead of itself. This is good of course better to be well ahead than well behind. The slight down side though is that it feels born of insecuirty and unhappiness at work. I feel a resign with dignity day on its way sometime in the not to distant future

Anyway just wanted to acknowledge how i feel at this moment in time. I will just sit with it for now. No gambling problems. It doesnt matter what is going on for me or how i feel.. they are not reasons to pick up the gambling. I have no reasons to gamble.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Good to read that the running is going well

SA:),and that you are well ahead with your bill payments,nice feeling i would think!!!.Hope you can find a job you enjoy more soon:).

Seano.

Thanks seano 🙂

Its not very often that I post in my dairy twice in the same day but its kinda one of those days where ive been processing stuff in my thoughts. Lots of pacing around lots of trying to get a "feel" for whats right for me in terms of work and my work life balance. Its that sort of mental processing where I know I have the answers for whats right for me and am not looking for lots of advice about the options.. but i just need to figure them out for myself. In some ways its more a feeling rather than a thinking process.. what feels right.. what my emotional brain is telling.

While i am going through this am on an emotional journey.. anxiety and stress ebb and flow. In the past i often chose not to venture into difficult areas in my thoughts.. preferring instead just to block it all out with gambling but I don't do that any more.

Anyway ive come up with a bit of game plan in my head about what feels right for me.. something short of simply saying f*** this and resigning or something. My game plan i will now run past somebody I trust and take it from there. My stress levels have lifted for now. I am going to stop the self-analysis for today and chillout. Come back tomorrow and take my game plan forward.

Is this making sense to folk or is it just jibberish? Do other people seem to use their emoptional brain to make decisions much more than their rational logical brain. I certainly do.. I cant help it really.. its just my make up and how i am. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,just my thoughts mate,.......in my experience going with my "insticts" and "gut feelings" regarding jobs as always served me well:)......,over the years i have taken 3 or 4 jobs that didn't feel "right" and they weren't!!!,my last job was taken out of desperation and proved to be the worst job i have ever had from every which way,.....hope that helps:).

Seano.

Thanks for that Seano.. glad am not the only one that makes decisions on gut feelings. 🙂

Another day passes gambling free. Am still kinda up and down emotionally. Was feeling kinda depressed.. but after forcing myself to pick up the phone and have a chat with friends and family am feeling a bit better now.

Ive got lots of random thoughts i'd like to explore.. but its kinda of all a bit jumbled up.. so i will leave it I think. I notice that whereas most people tend to drift away from their diaries after a while the same is not the case for me. I seem to be focussing more and more on myself and thoughts as time passes. I think thats a good thing. Am not gambling.. speaks for itself. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Glad that you were able to pick up the phone to speak to family and friends to make you feel better. We will always be grateful to them for listening and understanding.

And we must endeavour never, ever to let them or ourselves down ever again!

Pleased to announce that I'm finally back on the jogging trail - 3.11 miles in 28 minutes 🙂 Won't be long before I'm near to your mileage!

Have a great weekend.

November

Glad to see your back on the jogging trail November. Am starting to up my game a bit. Ive actually jogged or run 5 days in a row and touch wood no injury problems. Don;t get me wrong a couple of those days were short runs and only today did i do something longer. I am getting physically fitter there is no doubt about it. How that will mainfest itself in next months half-marathon only time will tell.

Ive had a couple of positive days all in all. Finally completely switched off from all thoughts of work after a having had a few days off. Of course tomorrow it will all return with avengence. I tell you something if i had a bunch of money behind me I wouldnt hesitate but to leave.. but alas i havent.

I guess this is where thoughts of gambling and specifically the lottery creep in. The thought that hey presto in an instant all money worries disappear. Of course as a compulsive gambler I tell myself that the lottery is simply not an option for me.. because I dont gamble and as far as the lottery goes I havent bought a ticket for more than 6 years now.. which is quite amazing really.

But the thought of buying one doesnt go away. Am familair with all thhe usual reasoning for not buying a ticket eg if would not stop at a ticket once a week or its living on a dream or if I won i'd then go on a gambling frenzy.. and so the list goes on BUT sometimes i think.. I want to but a lottery ticket.. I dont care if its living on a dream and i dont believe that i would go on a gambling frenzy.. etc etc.

Having siad all of this am not going to buy a ticket not today and probably not any time soon. Just for today i will not gamble and all that. But maybe the old complacency is starting to gnaw away at me. I guess its good that i voice these thoughts. I'd got shot down in flames if I voiced this att Ga.. the wise ones would shake their heads in incredulity. Thats why I like it here in my diary where I can say what i like when i like without fear of instant judgement.

Anyway thats enough of that. Am in a goood placce today as i often am on a sunday. I do like sundays.. always have. Happy days... S.A 🙂

SA

Good post there about those thoughts that can creep into our minds.

They will always be there, but once we have accepted that, and decided to confront them when they occur. every time we do it we gain strenghth.

Lottery ticket, small bet (so called controlled bet but there is no such thing), raffle ticket, £1 in a slot machine, any of these things can be enough to undo so much good work and progress.

You are an experienced poster on here but good for you for mentioning those thoughts.

Several posters on here seem to be in that danger zone of trying out the controlled bet.

It never does any good, only bad, and leads us back to old ways, further destruction of finances, and our general wellbeing and mental health.

Keep strong and keep posting your positive messages.

David

s.a good to see you progressing along nicely my friend 😉 its not the 1st time youve mentioned a cheeky wee £1 on the lottery on your diary...yes youve managed for a long time now and long may that continue....have a read at mickey s comments on the overcoming gambling page...it may just take your lotto thoughts away altogether...it has mine..best wishes mate we can and are doing this 🙂

Thanks for your imput guys 🙂

Am in slow decay at work but really enjoying my running. That pretty much sums up today. No gambling problems.. S.A

A better day today.. not so despondent about the whole work situation.. I have a job and have a had a job through tough economic times.

No running today.. 6 days in a row is pushing it a bit. Relay race coming up this Saturday should be fun and social to. I may go for a swim and sauna after writing this.. now i would never have done that when gambling and gambling and gambling. Thanks for listening.. S.A