Hope

Hi S.A.

Being tired after a whole week of working is normal isn't it?! Hope you have a great weekend and that you manage to get some runs in.

GT

Well what can i say.. say it as it is I think. I gambled over the weekend told my employer yesterday. Resigned today. The emotional rollercoaster that has been my work is finally over. Its over. It really is over. I only have to look at the first entries of this diary to see what an impact my work has had upon me. Its taken the 2 years and 5 months in between and all my emotional ups and downs to finally end it. For anyone who has followed my diary you will know what a significant event this is. Am in bits today.. happy one minute and emotional the next.

I needed to move on along time ago. psychologically i needed to move on but practically I wasn't doing anything about it. I just got so consumed with all the cr** and personalities and uncertainties and stress and steady decline of my prganisation. I never switched off from it. Consumed with work, always there occupying my thoughts.. sometimes angry, sometimes frustrated, sometimes bored but mainly anger i think.. I couldnt let go of the anger until eventually I didn't know what i was angry about anymore. I became unwell no space in my thoughts for anything else.

Its over now though. Its over. Its been both a pleasure and a nightmare. the closing of one chapter and the opening of another.. thanks for listening. Today i will not gamble. I do not want to gamble. .. S.A

Hi SA

I think you know more than anyone the life of misery that gambling will cause you!

life might not be a bed of rosses even without gambling ruling your everyday life..but with gambling thrown in there aswell its just pure misery my friend, as you well know.

dont return to old ways after being so strong for so long, and i wish you well in finding a new job..one that you will enjoy, take care mate

neil

Wow SA,

Don't know what to say mate. It is bound to feel crazy and scary in your world right now, but ultimately I think this will be good for you.

You have been thinking about doing this for a very long time, and the desire to leave has never really gone away, has it?

Some weeks we hate our jobs, but it blows over and we are glad we did not burn our bridges in the heat of the moment - however feeling that way for years, is quite a different thing altogether.

Keep posting, and I hope you are ok.

Take care,

f x

Thanks Nns, Ade and Freda.. woke up early this morning after having slept quite well. Then my comcious mind remmbered the pre-dicament i am in. Suddenly felt very scared a knot of anxiety building within as if a frightened animal dazzled in the head lights unable to move. Feel the fear I say to myself, work it through, keep doing positive things.. forward to a better future.

Day 4 since I last gambled. Went to Ga last night. Felt good to be around familiar faces with their familiar stories. I told my story warts and all. At the end a newbie came up to me and thanked me. I had helped him with his resolve not to gamble and by him saying that he helped me to. Onwards and upwards.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Day 5 without gambling. I do not want to gamble. I choose not to gamble and will continue to choose not to gamble.

Thanks for your support Ade.. am not able to return the support at the moment. Am in a world full of anxiety about the future. It feels like ive jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. Either I find a way of earning money (a job!) or I manage to get onto benefits. But I face the very real prospect of being refused benefits cos i resigned and not finding work and then sitting in my flat until i can't afford the rent and then cant afford food and then i enter a very bad place indeed.

I am catastrophising of course but it is a possibility.. a possibility of my own making because I decided it would be a good idea to spent a few hours fixated with the slots. I hate them now.. I hate the f*****s.. tyhey are the mechanism by which i periodically self-destruct. I go for months and months and then I f*** up. The last 20 years of my life have been dominated by either gambling or focussing on not gambling. I just want a normal life now. Ive had enough.

Grant me the serenity to get through my current pre-dicament and go on to live my life free from the repeated torment that gambling has brought me. Like i say I am not able to give support to others at the moment am too stressed out.. but I still read. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hey SA

I feel your pain my friend, i really do. wish there was something i could say to improve the way you feel, but there isnt other than you will get support on here mate and i for one am rooting for you.

we cant help but fear the worst at times, i do it all the time...but more often than not it never gets as bad as it could.

Get job hunting mate...i will be on that path soon aswell the way things are going. take care my friend

neil

Hi SA

I hope you find some stability soon, to put your mind at rest. Although it is hard to find a GOOD job at the moment, it is fairly easy to find a part-time c*&P job in my experience.

Focus on getting something, anything, just to give you some breathing space and then I am sure things will start to seem more manageable. Worst case scenario, go to the doctors and get signed off as unfit for work - that will qualify you for benefits in the short term until you get your head together.

Also, are you due any accrued annual leave? don't forget that will have to be paid to you in your final paycheck from your last job. Wont solve the problem of course, but may buffer things? Or were you paying into a pension scheme? again you will probably be given an option of transferring that or cashing it in.

Good luck. You will get through this I promise, you are understandably in a bit of a tailspin. Don't be shy in asking for some help from your friends and family too.

Take care,

f x

Day 6

Thankyou you lovely people 🙂

Am having a good day. I woke up feeling anxious and that propelled me into my running shoes and then i was out pounding the streets before seven. I'd imagine that that might feel like hell to some of you but for me its heaven. It helps calm me down and keep me fit not to mention the general feelings of well being.

After a rest I made the effort to go and speak with my support which helped me to start to work things through in my headspace. I now have a plan of attack on the benefits front and have a general idea about the sort of work would suit me. Am not in a situation where i simply have to do anything becuase I just need money I can try to find something that is not to stressful for me. I don't have to do the sort of work that i have done in the past (before my current job). I don't have to work at the heavy, challenging and emotionally demanding end of care. I have choices and I can choose to go in a different direction.

Nothing has been sorted today, that will take a while BUT I feel like ive taken some positive steps today (if only psycholgically) And do you know what?? What, i hear you ask. Well i was just now walking down my local high street and I suddenly realised that i wasn't in a hurry that I wasnt stressed that i wasnt feeling depressed and angry and that i had a little smile on my face.

I took my time to get home and I noticed what was going on around me. I noticed people and some times they noticed me and my smile and they smiled back. When i got to the bus stop I graciously allowed others to get on first and people thanked me and we had a little chat. When i got back to my flat my neighbour was outside with his dog. I stopped a while had a bit of banter and stroked the dog. Slowly i made my way in doors and am now here writing this. Am having a good day.

You know what its like when your not having a good day or your not having good weeks and your not having good months and you withdraw into self and shut down from any meaningful interaction with the world around you. Well thats what its like for me. Thats what its felt like for me for much of my life really and yet suddenly today am feeling very alive and aware even though I have my life problems to deal with... don't we all ! Am having a good day you see. I am ok.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

Really glad to read that last post 🙂

Its amazing how fast you are noticing the benefits of not being in a job you hate. Apart from the stress of regrouping, and finding alternative work, I reckon this is the best thing you have done for yourself in years.

Long may this new lease of life continue!

f x

Hi S.A

Just caught up with your diary.

Sorry to read of your slip, and what you have been going through over these past couple of weeks..I've been going through the motions myself just lately so i understand where you are.

Your last post about you noticing people and various things going on around you and them noticing you really struck a cord with me. I've spent too much of my life staring at the ground or looking the other way, but for the last few days i've looked straight ahead and looked people in the eye and smiled (sometimes when i've been feeling absolutely terrible) and yet i've been amazed at just how many people "have" smiled back. Just these simple things in life can make such a huge difference to how we feel about ourselves as people..

I'm glad things in your life are begining to make sense to you, you follow your heart, it took a great deal of courage to do what you have done and i think many of us would like to follow you down that very path that you have chosen.. (me included)...But for various reasons we just keep bottling it..

All the very best to you my friend, i'm glad things are becoming clearer in your life..

Heres to many, many more good days ahead..

Takecare.

Hi SA,

Wow, you have certainly changed things around in your life. If your job was really making you miserable then you really must have done the right thing. I wish you all the very best in getting a job that you will enjoy and that it will be one which will be rewarding (and not just in a financial sense).

I am so lucky to be in a position where I have a job which is both very busy but very rewarding and I would not swap it for the world.

What a lovely post you wrote on Friday and that the early morning run really cleared your head. In my peak running days when I was training for the London Marathon, I remember those early morning runs before work and feeling so good and fresh for the rest of the day. Now that I am training for a half marathon next year, I now plan to do more of those. It's the getting up bit which will be hard!

Will follow your diary with interest to see where life leads you.

Have a great gamble-free weekend.

Getting There

I hear your thoughts guys.. thanks 🙂

Day 8... since I last gambled. A few thoughts, especially around the lottery but was able to dismiss them.. 6 years and more since I last bought a lottery ticket..

Ive had a good weekend all things considered.. played snooker, played chess with a friend and cooked a roast today. I went for a long run today (12 miles) and then a swim and sauna. Have also been atteneding to my flat.. drilled some holes.. hung up some mirrors and pictures that have just been sitting on top of stuff for god knows how long and also did some cleaning and tidying and organising. So all in all its been productive.

There are certain things that I am not looking forward to this week but i know i have to do them. It includes all the form filling to claim benefits and going to the doctors to get a supporting letter, which will mean telling my recent story again and all the difficult feelings that that gives rise to. Then there is job search.. selling myself.. being pro-active, researching stuff and applying for jobs and signing up with agencies. None of this I find easy when suffering with low self-esteem.. but i know I must get on with it .. one day at a time.

I will try my best not to panick but at the same time to keep stepping out of comfort zone and do these things that i need to do.. cos in the short and the longer term they will lead me to a better place. Whoever said life was easy?? I keep working at it.. thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Day 11 since I last gambled.

Had a few urges on the way to Ga last night. Dark evening and the bright lights of those gambling hell holes. Fortunately I am taking those sensisble measures of NOT carrying cash card and limiting my money to only what i really need which in this case was £3 for the meeting and then enough for a beer with the regulars afterwards. As it turns out the beer was cheap and I had 2 beers. Total cost of evening was the £7 I had in my pocket.

Now how long would £7 last in the slots..?? Perhaps one minute without a win and maybe 10 minutes with a win or two. Anyway like I say i got through the urge to gamble.

Have just been watching the Chilean miners coming up.. brings a tear to the eye. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hiya SA,

Long time 🙂

I'm so pleased to hear you left that hell hole of a job!! It sounded so toxic.

From my experience of throwing the head up and leaving my job was the best thing I did.

Not easy I know!

I'm building on what I have now ....a work in progress..slow and steady..and a lot of little clearouts/ fresh starts to different aspects of my life.

Keep doing what your doing 🙂 Onwards and upwards..you'll get there I have no doubt. I wish you all the best for the coming months.

Love Del xox