I'm going to have to tell my wife, but I'm so scared.

OAU

Really enjoy reading your thread! Feels very similar to me, I hope you had a good Christmas with your baby, I had my baby’s first Christmas as well and although she didn’t know what was going on it was really lovely. I hope you’re still keeping strong and staying GF!

Keep us updated.

Adam

There are about 20 bookies in a five minute drive from me, I am self excluded from all of them but it never stopped me going in them. I use to change my hair slightly or put a hat on, so they wouldn’t see that person when I walked in who was in the self exclusion book. But saying that, they never did anyway whenever I would walk over to the desk to collect whatever winnings I had won, not once did I ever get questioned or told to leave. I drive past them in other towns when at work and amusements which I only started going in over the last year thinking I was going to hit the jackpot because the gold pot had reached £500. All these venues are so accessible and even though I could go in and place a bet without my wife or family knowing. What am I really getting from that? Will it make me happy? Maybe I will get the jackpot, but the lies/ deceit and self loathing will all come of this and maybe I could get away with it for a few months before they find out. But they will find out and when they do, all that is good in my life will be gone. I’m happy being gamble free honestly, I’m happy being me again, even though I am still the CG, but the person who is fortunate to be living and the things I have in my life without having to live a double life is beyond belief especially after coming clean.

Will I ever get a better thrill than my numbers coming in on roulette that rush? Probably not but what I am getting from that baby girl of mine who makes me smile so much and just makes my heart want to melt is more than any money in the world could buy. So staying focused and reminding myself of what would/ will happen if am to gamble is a constant must.

OAU

Thanks for the post on my diary, I appreciate your support a lot. I also remember you well. It broke my heart when your posted that you'd lost your wife... So I'm overjoyed that you report today that she stuck by you through all this. Make it worth her while and stay off a bet for the foreseeable. You seem like a decent fella so I'm sure if you just stay off a bet the debts will eventually get paid and life will be great for you and your family.

Onwardsandupwards wrote:

I'm so fortunate to of been given a second chance and most of all seen within myself that change is needed.

OAU

I remind myself of this every day... Especially when I have let myself down and not done enough for my wife or been narky with her. Always keep this in your mind as you journey through recovery and always look for opportunities to appreciate her and make her feel special is my advice (i just need to implement my own advice now!) Ha ha... Well she sees a better man already so just need to keep working at it I guess.

Onwardsandupwards wrote:

Will I ever get a better thrill than my numbers coming in on roulette that rush? Probably not but what I am getting from that baby girl of mine who makes me smile so much and just makes my heart want to melt is more than any money in the world could buy.

OAU

I know what you mean about this. Yes let's lay it all out... It was THRILLING wasn't it. And life is not the same without gambling... That's just a fact. However I try to look at it like this...

In a few years time when I see my boy off to his first day at school or watch him in his first school play hopefully I'll have a pure heart by then and be able to enjoy these things with sheer ecstasy rather than having a bet or two at the back of my mind. Being able to be fully present in these moments will sure as hell be more thrilling than any bet I've ever placed. In those moments I'll be SOOO proud of him and myself concurrently. And I will look forward to coming on here and sharing those moments with you all as a GF man who finally made good for the first time in his adult life. I hope you will all be proud of me too.

And the same goes for you if you stay on this path. Keep going and keep in touch.

Hi OAU

Great you are still gamble free, 66 days is not easy, excellent well done.

Funny when try try to avoid bookies you realise how many there are, the overwhelming feeling of putting £13 on that green number and when the ball stops on 0 is outweighed by stopping gambling for over 2 months - I am sure you wouldn’t want to throw all that away and I am 100% confident you won’t.

Keep going, and I am sure you remember from Allen Carr, DONT PLACE THAT FIRST BET and DONT QUESTION YOUR DECISION TO STOP GAMBLING.

Take care.

Shaun

Hi OAU

Good advice on my diary and something I should take note of, thanks.

You haven’t posted on your own diary, hope your gamble free life is going ok. Lovely to stick the fingers up at these establishments and say, ‘you are not getting richer off me ever again, ha, ha’.

Have a great gamble free day.

Hey OAU.

Just swinging past to say well done on the 73 days mate.

You are doing brilliantly and giving others on the forum decent advice.

Keep up the good work bud.

RA

Hi Guys,

Thank you for your time you’ve taken to support and advice you’ve given me. It means the world to me.

Signal man you are right I really need to make my wife feel more special and that’s with just the smallest things, we have clashed heads a few times recently and just because I’m not gambling anymore and feel better in my self doesn’t mean everything is okay. I’ve got a lot of work to do and need to remind myself of that each day.

Ra and Shaun thanks for checking in on me. Yes I need to do a diary post and hope my advice to others help, as I’m just trying to give back as other people’s advice helps me tremendously.

I’m still gamble free and sorry for not putting a post on for a while. I’ve been very busy working loads as we have come away to visit my sister who lives abroad. Having the most unreal time and am appreciating how lucky I am to be here. This was planned from last year and I almost jeopardised coming here, but we made it. I need o remind myself in life how lucky I am on a daily basis for the people I have in my life and the things I have done. Last night I walked past a casino and I wanted to look (not go in) but just through the windows but didn’t. If my wife didn’t know about my gambling and I was still in that place I was last year, I would of been trying to get us to go in. But no more I will not gamble and I will not gamble with this second chance I have been given. I just need to be a better husband.

Thank you

OAU

Hi OAU

Nice to see you are still gamble free.

Continuing on from your post on my diary, you have described how I used to be 100%. Running from bookie to cadhpoint to bookie and having to pretend I am calm. Hundreds and hundreds lost in the FOBT’s and me walking around as if it’s a bit of fun when really on the inside I am being cut with razors. I am sure as I run into the bank every 20 mins to draw out a couple of hundred on multiple occasions they must know what’s going on.

Anyway, that was how we used to be, not anymore though.

Take care.

Shaun

Aww so proud of you. You have come so far. I have been cheering you on from the sidelines.

Keep doing what you are doing. It's working. And keep on walking past. I wonder how many now walk past and want to give the backward peace sign to the bookies.

Bella xx

Good to see we are both in the 90's in Gf days and fast approaching 100! That's great work!

We both had the difficult Job of telling our partners, but we did what we had to and things are slowly slowly getting better.

Keep staying strong mate!

RA

Back to reality after having the most unreal holiday. I have two sisters one living in Singapore and the other in Perth, Australia. This trip had been planned since last year. I had a lot of guilt before I went as I believed I didn’t deserve such a trip, but the flights had been paid for and things to do out there. We also had free accommodation staying with family and how good it was to see them. One sister has had a baby which was so lovely to meet and the other one who lives on her own has had multiple health problems so, so glad we have finally ticked it off the list of visiting her new home in Australia. They both loved having us and we have always been very close. We really didn’t want to come back. I’ve not really been on here since going away, but I have been checking in and it’s been really good to explain everything what’s happened to my sisters and the situation that I am in. They had nothing but good support for me and tried to understand it as much as they can. But it’s hard to not being a cg. I feel like it did me and the wife the world of good, but did have a few falling outs over there. But that was more down to me just not listening properly and that is something I really need to work and explaining things better. I do need to restart my counselling as I feel last time I did get so much, but wasn’t 100% honest which was silly so need to go back and get everything out of it that I need. Life is very good at the moment I just need to appreciate my wife better and try to minimise my selfish traits. This will take time and she doesn’t want me to be a different person but just work on my flaws. It was lovely to be spending so much time with my daughter as well. She is 10 months old now and coming on so much. I’m normally busy working a lot so don’t get to spend the time I want with her as much as I like and before that when I wasn’t working, I would be gambling. 100 days tomorrow and will be glad to get back to ga in a way. The urges have been there being away, questioning myself whether or not I can play poker. Would I be okay. No I know I won’t and need to keep reminding myself of it. The funny thing is whilst I was away, I went in the most impressive hotel it’s huge and cost 8 billion dollars to build and whilst I was having a drink I said to my wife do you know what’s below our feet in the lower level basement and she replied no. I said it’s a super casino and she couldn’t believe it. There was no advertising .It shows how much money they make if they can spend 8 billion on the complex. In Singapore as a citizen you have to pay 100 dollars to gamble, but as a foreigner you don’t. They don’t encourage it in the slightest. Very clean, wealthy country with very low crime levels and corruption. Think we could learn a thing or two off them.

OAU

What does gambling offer me?

A divorce.

Having to arrange visiting hours to see my daughter.

Getting in more debt which will lead to me being on the streets as I will have no where to go.

My lovely parents turning there back on me.

Suicidal thoughts.

No thanks gambling you’ve done enough damage to me and my loved ones. I’m not your friend anymore and even though I think about gambling everyday, it’s not about placing a bet (well sometimes and urge) it’s about my GA group, Gamcare, Podcasts. Things that are having a positive effect in my life.

Glad to see the bookmakers are closing in the dozens hahahaha. Why because those shops wasn’t bookmakers, you could place bets there on whatever you wanted dogs, horses etc.... but it’s those machines which are being clamped down on and good riddance. The bookmakers opened in the hundreds when they first got introduced and continued to up until last year and that’s because they was mini casinos. By by more regulation please. I don’t have a problem with people betting and if they can do it responsible I wish them all the best. But those like me need to be protected and more regulation needs to come in and undo what Blair did and much more.

OAU

Sorry to pass by late and wish you congrats on 100+ days. Great achievement. I can see it has been a tough ride for you but who knows what the future holds for us if we stay on this path... We certainly know what the future holds for us if we don't (as you have highlighted in your previous post)

Keep going ;o)

Ps it was nice to read about your trip. I had to go on a cruise a couple of weeks after my gambling destroyed me and I pretty much was out of it throughout. I'm glad you made something of your trip anyway. Whether it's one day in or a thousand days... Life is made up of moments - which we should seize, respect and not abuse. So anyway good to hear you enjoyed yourself. Nice to hear you spent some quality time with your daughter.

Hi OAU

Really please to see you are still going strong! Hope you keep going, I had a similar thing with my friends arranging a poker night in the near future and questioned whether I'd be ok in a contained environment but all it's doing is playing with fire and it's great you've been honest with yourself about that. Takes a lot of balls to recognise and admit that and keep admitting that.

Keep strong and remeber we are all in this together

Speak Soon.

Adam.

Hey mate!

I've just been catching up on your diary. I'm very envious of your trip away. It sounded amazing. Think how much more you enjoyed that trip as a non-gambler. You would have been trying your best to go downstairs to that casino, filling yourself with guilt, and the whole ordeal would have ruined your experience. Instead you had a brilliant time with your family, and didn't give into any temptations no matter how close they were.

How did your 10 month old get on with the flight? We were going to take my 9 month old away but decided against it this year.

I liked your post about things gambling will take from you. That is great motivation to keep going and plough on.

Keep it going mate and I'm sure we will both be at 150 days in no time.

RA