Hi OAU
So true what you wrote on my diary, the staff at bookies have watched me go from cash point to bookies, having money put on machine via debit card, break out in cold sweat, kick the machines and never flinched once!
On other occasions when I went up to the cashiers let’s say at 3pm with a winning ticket of few hundred pounds they have said that they have no money and I will have to come back after 9:30pm when the machines are emptied - knowing full well I will put that ticket back into the machine.
Well done in your continued gamble free journey.
Shaun
130 days gf today and feeling good. Last few weeks have felt a bit down, sometimes really down and have been able to put my finger on it sometimes and others I haven’t. Just get fed up at times and being self employed is great but also very hard contestantly trying to motivate myself, feeling like I don’t have enough hours in the day and just not having enough rest time. My wife is still on Mat leave and is only going back to work in June now as she has found a new job and her current work place has put her on garden leave being a three month notice period. I’m really pleased for her and having been at her last place for nearly ten years, she just felt like it’s time to move on but there will be a commute with this so it’s going to be a big adjustment when she goes back to work and also juggling it around our baby which will also be new, me having less hours in the day to work as she will have to get off early so all nursery drop offs and pick ups will fall on me. Which we will manage and am so fortunate with the positions we are in, but I can’t lie and say it will be easy. When I get overwhelmed or stressed these are times I was always very vulnerable to the depths of my gambling ways. There are things I need to do like looking after myself better and eating better and things that I promised my wife and myself when I came clean. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened and she is such a little star and so laid back it helps make life as a parent easier. But I still find it hard as it’s jusy so tiring even though she does luckily sleep well. I’ve started my counselling again and I need to work on bringing more structure in to my life and having goals/ targets which are realistic. So that’s what I’m working on now. Not gambling is great at times I do think oh I can’t do that like my mates who are going to Vegas. But I wouldn’t be going anyway now having a family and have already been, but I just know that gambling was just my escape when I was down (obviously got worse and worse over time with the lies and debt so pretty much constantly) and even though I was always trying to win that bit extra on top of my wage through betting it always beat me. I don’t have that go to place anymore which is nothing but positive and never ever want to go back to that place. Just learning to deal with day to day life without having that place to go too. Is still taking time and hopefully will get easier over time.
Have a good weekend everyone.
OAU
Amazing stuff. Incredible you have gone so long without gambling.
Friday my favourite day of the week. Especially now that when I reach it, a week of hard work has been done and not a half assed one with loads of trips to the bookies fitted in like my old self. I feel so daft to of got so hooked on them machines.
I went to play snooker with my mate the other night and was speaking to him about it and how I can never even have a friendly game of poker with him for small stakes. Me and him have always gambled together and he is pretty bad but has blocks in place which can help limit his wrecklessness. That works for him but I can’t do that it has to be completely no gambling and so far I’ve seen nothing but positive effects in my life and my families lives. On my bad days it’s tough as I don’t have that place to run too, but will get stronger in time. Support is key in my recovery. Onwards and upwards.
Have a good weekend all.
OAU
Onwardsandupwards wrote:
On my bad days it's tough as I don't have that place to run too, but will get stronger in time.
Have a good weekend all.
OAU
You certainly will mate don't you worry. Like you've inferred all this recovery is largely about self-awareness, I would like to think blocks could be relative to the level at which one gambles - it's hard for me to deduce though as I have water-tight blocks in place due to having the potential to destroy my life through gambling.
I really don't know if it's an all or nothing thing with blocks or if it's relative, anyway like you say what works for one may not work for another... So keep that level of self-awareness going buddy. This is your journey, don't worry about anyone elses or compare your journey with theirs ;o)
The main thing is you're heading in the right direction buddy :o) keep going
signalman wrote:
You certainly will mate don't you worry. Like you've inferred all this recovery is largely about self-awareness, I would like to think blocks could be relative to the level at which one gambles - it's hard for me to deduce though as I have water-tight blocks in place due to having the potential to destroy my life through gambling. I really don't know if it's an all or nothing thing with blocks or if it's relative, anyway like you say what works for one may not work for another... So keep that level of self-awareness going buddy. This is your journey, don't worry about anyone elses or compare your journey with theirs ;o) The main thing is you're heading in the right direction buddy :o) keep going
Thanks for your post Signalman, I always appreciate it. It’s true I do believe blocks are the number one thing needed in a persons recovery. Me I no longer have any credit cards and my personal bank account closed and only have my work bank account (wife has access too) and my Joint account with my wife. However being in the line of work I’m in i still have the opportunity to gamble as I get many windows through out the day and also deal with cash too. I am blocked from all the bookmakers in my town and others that I use visit in other surrounding towns, but it never worked with the self exclusion, but glad the reduction on fobts will be here on Monday. The thing is I don’t even want to go in a bookmakers ever again. If I have had urges since stopping it’s been casinos and there isn’t any near by. Got a stag do in May I’m going later on as they are going to the horse races and am not putting myself at risk, so will meet them after for a night out in Leeds as the racing is in York. The best thing for me is having communication with my wife, her having a plan of what work is going to get done that day with my job. She Knows how much cash I will be taking to the bank etc... and if any of that started dissapearing it would only be a matter of time before she noticed as when I use to gamble a lot of money would dissapear in such short spaces of time. She didn’t have a clue as she didn’t know how much I earned, my credit cards was always there to fall back on to help cover my lies and deceit. If I’m short of money get it off them. If I need to gamble get it off them.
My biggest changing point was having for the first time in my gambling life was that I finally saw what it was doing to me, had done to me, had done to them and for the first time reached out and said I need help. I know I’m always vulnerable to this addiction. But having a clean slate, knowing I can talk about having the urge to gamble if I do with her, ga, you guys. Life as a non gambler is the best thing that could of happened to me and am appreciating my family now it’s great. I even get emotional now like my old self when something really touches my heart. Gambling made me cold so that is really strange to be having them feelings.
I love my family and am so blessed to have a lovely wife and child. If I choose to gamble that would not exist and I would be alone. It’s her birthday today so going away for the night and plan to get drunk lol. It’s been too long know having the little one, so my mum is having our daughter for the night. Hope your good mate and will check in soon.
thanks
Oau
Beautiful message mate. Gave me goosebumps. You're story is so similar to mine and I really feel the power of your words. Enjoy yourselves tonight
That big day today where everybody who bets or does not bet feels obligided to have a bet on the grand national. Friends sending messages to the WhatsApp group asking who is out for it. Not me! I was never one to bet on the horses apart from a day at the races or times like this. On those days I would lose myself and control, but the days after I never felt drawn to go and try and win it back on the horses. It was other things that I always relied on in my silly attempts. Times like this make me look back at past years when things like this was on and the bubble I lived in. It’s hard to even *** how I couldn’t see the true situation I was in and how I believed that even though at times I was daft, that somehow I was in control when that was absolutely not. Support is key.
OAU
Hi OAU :)).
Just saw your post on ads thread :))).
Yes I'm still here but trying to go incognito, lol :))
Not quite sure why I changed the name and started a new diary tbh , just impulse I suppose but it doesn't help people who new you from past diary's though .
Anyhoooz , sorry to hear that you'd been drawn back to our old enemy but really nice to hear that youv'e got back in the saddle and are doing well again :)) , It's so easy for us to get sucked back in though mate tbh and we really need to be on our guard to make sure we dont get drawn in to a battle we really dont need in our live's .
Looking at your post above I believe we all had our own bubble , mine was so huge I could have fitted 3 of me in there :)) , the trouble with our bubble ( that rhymed ) is that it's made of a very dark glass where we can't see what's happening to everyone and everything else in our live's and how it's affecting it all which is not a good view at all :(( .
I tremarked on my diary on Saturday how the Grand national would really peeee me off because my space was invaded in the bookies by the once a year merchant's :(( Trouble is they where the one's that could still have fun with it all and walk away till next year ..........and there's that bubble again :(( .
Take care of yorurself my friend and as always great to hear from you :))
Regards
Alan
Well this new layout isn’t stressful. Gonna take some getting use to. Has put me off posting for the last few days as trying to log in has been difficult and now it’s difficult to locate my personal postings and found my diary by searching for it. Don’t mind change just need to get the hang of it. 150 days plus now 😀
oau
Not been on here much since the website revamp. Find it quite difficult logging in on my phone. Still going strong. Got things I need to change still but life is much better gamble free.
Hey
Good to hear you're going strong.
Stepping away from gambling ceases the hypnotic spell we were under and enables us to see clearer now, and yes, things that need changing will emerge once the dust has settled.
At least we can recognise the changes now. The power to make the changes comes from within. I think not gambling is like someone giving you the key, what you do with it then is up to you.
Some people choose to just hold on to the key for elongated periods because it is so precious and they are afraid it will go missing if they take their eyes off it or it will break or get jammed in a door if they use it.
Others choose to go about unlocking doors with it, others even lend over that key to others to use who are struggling with locked doors.
?
It's pretty much up to you now what happens from here now you have the key. It always was I guess. We are like slaves who have been liberated I suppose. Daunting but necessary not to hang out in the proverbial reception area of life. Unlock the door and go man.
I love reading your diary header then your most recent post. It shows how far you've come. Be proud.
Signalman thank you so much for your post. I haven’t been on here in a while. I only log in on my iPhone and it use to be so easy and accessible, but since the change I find it a faff, especially trying to find recent activity for those who have had so much involvement in my recovery and ones that I have looked out for. I hope you are well and life is going as well as it can do. Life isn’t a straight line as we all know and at times it’s easy to be in a negative state of mind. This is what I constantly battle with, but keep reminding myself that life would be much worse if gambling was also involved. The little voices in my head tell me this time may be different. But no, my track record speaks volumes and what I have to lose if I turn back to gambling is worth more than anything.
Today im in Leeds on a stag do. All my friends have gone to the races in York but I haven’t joined them. Why? Respect to my wife and honestly I don’t want to run the risk of putting myself in that situation where I may slip. I have become complacent these past few months with checking in on here or ga. But I haven’t gambled. However I know I need to get back in to the full swing of things as I’m not in the place I need to be in recovery. It’s not that I want to gamble, it’s just that sometimes the thoughts are there and Im sometimes daring myself in my head when the opportunity arrises which is a lot. I use to be a poker player, casino gambler and fobt player. Poker was something where I could be relaxed and composed. But once eliminated roulette would suck me in and spit me out. That’s why I don’t gamble at all now because it only leads to one place. I know this after all those times I tried to quit. I’m in a city today where there a multiple casinos and ones that I have been to in my past self. The temptation is there whilst I wait. Who will know? Just this one time? That’s what’s going through my head. But I don’t want to lie to myself and if I cross that line it will be a downward spiral and everything I’m so fortunate to have will be gone. Today I will not gamble and after this weekend I will go home with no regrets. Have a great bank holiday everyone.
OAU
Life isn’t a straight line as we all know and at times it’s easy to be in a negative state of mind.
Youre not wrong here mate.
I guess we have been conditioned over time to exist in that negative state of mind? Your body and mind crave it because it is so accustomed? Mad really but try and fight back against those urges... You've almost done 200 days buddy! Your life will be slowly transitioning to peace and tranquility... Those bad days? They will pass bro. Those good days? Sadly... They will also pass at some point...
Welcome to reality buddy! Ha ha, we'd rather be on this train than on the gambling train to pain and destruction right?
Sounds like you need a little check in with GA or even go read some day 1 stories in here (new members forum). Maybe even leave a couple of replies for people who have just come on here and in bits. You have been through the mill mate, you have so much to offer in terms of support... Leaving a couple of messages will undoubtedly help the recipient but also my buoy you a bit.
It was nice to hear from you anyway. Stay strong bud ?
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