I am an addict.

Good work, keep it up, one day at a time. I've been on here for 4 weeks now.

Reading other people's diaries helps to keep the temptation away for me.

Stay strong, every day you don't gamble is another day when you're a winner.

Thanks for your positivity my friend. Been working again this afternoon so not had any time to think about gambling. Now I have finished and come home I feel like I should be gambling again. How have I got myself into this state? Why can I not go more than a few hours without thinking about it? I'm hopeless.

When I think about all the money I have lost, all the secrets and lies, it makes me want to curl up and hide.

It's funny really, a few years ago I didn't really believe gambling could be a "proper" addiction. That really came back to bite me!

Day 3

Feeling very tired and stressed due to work but the urges get less as the days go by. Trying not to think about money lost. In the habit now of looking on here first as soon as I go online, this helps me stay connected to my recovery rather than letting it fade.

I need to remind myself that I am an addict and not like everyone else, I cannot bet 20 and walk away. The 20 always turns into 50, then 100, then 200 etc.

I think a huge amount of financial pressure has caused this situation over the years due to my business going bust at a young age, I think at the back of my mind I was trying to win back all that money I lost.

I started this by abusing casino bonuses years ago, you used to be able to make good money doing it as long as you were careful. I used to study the maths and probabilties, now I just pour my money into anything like a complete mug!

Not anymore! Day 3, you have been a long one, but we are nearly on Day 4.

Hi Chap,

Well done on abstaining for another day. As you say (and as more experienced people than I, told me when I first came here) the urges do lessen with time. I now consciously regard gambling as a "thing I used to do", there is no space in my mind that it is a choice that I could still make to do *now*. You sound like you have a handle on that too as you mention you cannot gamble just 20 quid.

It is good that you realise this. As someone else succinctly put it to me "the pilot light is always lit", so you do have to guard against complacency.

A couple of the main pieces of advice I was given here, that I try to remember are these:

1) "I cannot win because I cannot stop". A compulsive gambler can never really "win". All we do when we "win" is generate some more stake money for our next binge, and eventually any streak comes to an end - normally swiftly. Then the chasing starts.

2) You cannot win back what you have lost. Its gone, the bookies have it, and you have to let that go. I hate looking at old bank statements, the memories are painful and shameful in equal measure - and there was always the temptation that "one of those big wins i got every so often would just help put a dent in that debt", but its a fallacy it would never happen - and once you are back "IN" you are back in for another entire cycle before you can get out again. I try to accept now that what i have lost is gone, but that I am "winning" it back by not gambling every day now.

I am now 48 days clear and counting. I dont think I would have been able to break the cycle of gambling without this site, I hope it helps you to do the same.

Keep chalking up the days.

FM.

**apologies - duplicate post, can a mod remove this please**

Thanks my friend. It's quite comforting to know there are others fighting this at the same time. I am off to bed and have made it through another day.

I am sleeping so much, I think I must be catching up on all those sleepless nights I have had recently, pressing that stupid "spin" button over and over again.

I wish I could bottle this clarity that I have in sane moments like these and swig it down when I get weak. Right now I couldn't think of anything worse than wasting time and money on those thieving swine, yet only a few hours ago I was on the verge of tears because I wanted to bet so badly.

My brain must be well and truly busted up!

Anyway, night all and thanks for your support, I wish you all the luck in the world with your own struggles.

Well done on day 3, I'm also on day 3. I have found some great advice on here and it's been good to talk to people who actually understand and I can let it all out. X

Hi TryingHard

You have made the important first step and your resolve is strengthened by using the website regularly. I am a returning member after a 5 month relapse when things were just as bad as ever. You state that your brain is messed up to which I say - that's the case with every single person addicted to gambling. Ups and downs, the briefest highs and lowest lows. Abstinence settles the mind and makes living possible. Before we weren't living, and your son will benefit incalculably from this brave decision. Now is the time to stop since it has damaged our mental health and bank balances for long enough.

FallenMan's post above is excellent and spells out perfectly the problems we faced and now must deal with. Some really important points which I hope I can remember in my own recovery.

Wish you the best mate, Myles

Hi TryingHard

You have made the important first step and your resolve is strengthened by using the website regularly. I am a returning member after a 5 month relapse when things were just as bad as ever. You state that your brain is messed up to which I say - that's the case with every single person addicted to gambling. Ups and downs, the briefest highs and lowest lows. Abstinence settles the mind and makes living possible. Before we weren't living, and your son will benefit incalculably from this brave decision. Now is the time to stop since it has damaged our mental health and bank balances for long enough.

FallenMan's post above is excellent and spells out perfectly the problems we faced and now must deal with. Some really important points which I hope I can remember in my own recovery.

Wish you the best mate, Myles

wish i could say this addiction goes away for all

for some its seems to

for others like me it doesn't

i'm ok with that today

i will survive

keep going

tri

Another day done, it's all so tricky isn't it? Only a few days have passed and I am already feeling a bit silly for starting this diary. My brain tells me I don't have a gambling problem, I'm just being foolish.

You haven't lost your house or your family, you haven't had a bet for a few days, you feel ok, so you can't have a problem.

Of course I know this isn't the case, I feel ok because I haven't been gambling. I worry about the weeks ahead. Once I get out of the rut I can usually go several weeks or even months without it, but it always comes back, usually worse every time.

I think that's why I called my diary "I am an addict". I might be able to disguise it better but I have lied, cheated and generally been as unpleasant as any drug addict. This is important for me to remember.

Hopefully by posting here everyday I can remind myself I am not cured, only in remission. Will I have to post here forever though?

I had a bit of a panic today when is realised I am never going to be able to bet on anything again. There is going to be no lottery win/progressive jackpot for me! But I realised 99% of people go through life without one anyway, whether they play the lottery etc or not.

Appreciate what you have, especially the things you cannot buy, for example time with my son. That is what I take from today.

I really appreciate the advice and kind words you have all shared, it really helps when you feel low.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your own battles. Maybe one day, we will all find peace and contentment we all seek.

Day 5

All good. Feeling positive, too busy to think about gambling. I hope one day that every day is like this!

Day 7

Been a tough one today. Saturday was always a big day for me. Lost a months wages in just over an hour last Saturday (my last bet!) still seems like something I would like to do. The same old stuff going through my fried noggin e.g "but I played at least 150 spins without hitting the bonus last week so by the law of averages I should get one soon" What a load of cr**. Actually logged in to one today but managed to see sense and log out without depositing. I have asked them to close my account but they haven't done it yet, weird because casinos are usually very good about closing your account when you ask them to.

Sleeping better,eating better, feeling better.

I can't stop so I can't win.

To all those who have had their own epiphany in the last few days I want to say this:

I know you hurt really bad, I did it this time last week, I lost a fortune and wanted to chase it so bad I cried. Couldn't see a way out and had some very bad thoughts.

It does get better. Please believe me. I haven't bet for a week and I already feel better. That's after only a week! Imagine how good it could feel after a year or five years.

Good luck with the fight everybody, if you a day in or a decade in

Hi trying hard,

Well done on one week.

Stay strong and positive and keep going, life does get much better.

Best wishes,

Suzanne xx