I am an addict.

Day 14

Just checking in. Hope everyone is ok. My little lads birthday party today. Managed to actually spoil him because I hadn't burned all my wages like usual.

Also feeling really good because I have been getting more sleep, less depression because of big losses etc.

Some temptation this week but not too bad. Hopefully it will fade as the weeks turn into months. Had a few jd's last night and didn't even consider gambling. That has to be a good sign!

Best of luck to all those in dark places who have logged in for the first time, just want say time is a great healer, keep clean for a couple of weeks and see how much better you feel.

Cheers for the kind words all!

Guess who's back?! I made it to 3 months before I gambled again. Been on a bender for a fortnight now, totally strung out and haven't slept in days. It was the usual pathetic story of a couple quid in the fruity turning into hundreds into the online casinos. Had a couple big wins early on, but you already know where it's gone!!!

I did £600 quid in 45 minutes playing video poker, £600! What a chump, I think it started because money is tight and I feel stressed out, so my solution was to gamble and make things worse! Genius

On a positive note I stopped before going I into my overdraft/credit cards this time, maybe I could send a strongly worded email and get my money back?

I don't want to be rich, I gamble because I don't want to be broke, but it's gambling that keeps me broke!

Sorry I let you all down. I feel like s**m.

Thanks for your understanding

R

Day 2 and feeling much better. Already more focused at work and managed a good night's sleep which has helped. This is when I would log in and try and win back yesterday's losses, so I thought I would post here instead.

A lot of recovery advice seems to point towards trying to not be so money orientated but I think that many of us gamble out of a hope of getting out of debt. Maybe if I could somehow become better off then my need to gamble would be reduced.

Thanks

R

Day 3. Starting to forget the sickening feeling of losing so much money, already starting to wonder if I couldn't win some back. It doesn't take long for the doubt to creep back in, trying to convince myself I'm not an addict just a very serious recreational gambler. I'm wise to those tricks now brain so you have to leave me alone.

Off out for a few shandys tonight, definitely staying off the fruity, that's usually where I start, end going online to chase a £50 loss on the fruity and then losing another few hundred online. It's all so repetitive. Not tonight, tonight I will quietly feel sorry for my fellow drinkers who shovel all their hard earned into a machine designed to take your money! Maybe I will play pool instead, I am terrible at pool too, not quite as bad as I am at gambling though 😉

Thanks

R

Day 5. Still clean, just!

The Mrs has gone out with kid all day and after the dust settled on my bank account this week I am actually still in the black by some miracle. I had accounts open with so many casinos and I had so many deposits and withdrawals all going through I had lost track of it all. Clearly not a good thing.

Now this money is burning a whole in my pocket! I have spent the last two hours reading diaries on here and it has helped massively, especially the ones where the author has only posted a couple times, I really don't want that to be me.

The value of money. This gets talked about a lot on here and its something that is definitely something I need to work on. I have 8k of debt, most of this is not gambling related it was for car loan and home improvements (there is at least a couple grand of losses on there I'm sure). It's manageable but I wish I didn't have it.

Yesterday I went out and bought a couple bunches of flowers and a couple mothers day cards. £30. I cannot get over how much I begrudge spending that money, for my mum and for my Mrs. Two people who do so much for me.

At my current betting levels that be 5 spins on a slot machine or two hands of black Jack. It should be the other way around!

Any way clean is clean. Thinking about putting the needle in your arm isn't the same as actually putting the needle in your arm.

Looking forward to posting tonight clean and at least relatively sober!

Hopefully we can all be gamblefree today!

Morning dude, it's amazing how sometimes you can read another person's words and feel as though they've come from your own mind. I'm a week in now and finding it ok, but the urges are still there simmering under the surface. Watching the football highlights this morning and thinking "I would have won money on that"...

Stay strong and enjoy the weekend with your family.

Day 6 done. Day 7 tomorrow. Does it ever stop being a constant battle? I made it weeks last time before I screwed up. How do I make sure that doesn't happen again? It's all so exhausting.

Well done on the week!

It's a constant battle and you have to be vigilant. It will get easier but as it does you have to be even more vigilant against the little voice in the back of your mind.

One day at a time. Even the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Win one day at a time and you will look back and see all the hundreds of days behind you that you won. At that point you will feel incredible.

Thanks for the positivity, I feel like I need it today!

All was going well. Seriously cut down on my alcohol intake this week so far which is good. No gambling which is good.

Then this morning I went to see a good mate of mine. Said friend is in a bad place with work and some personal things at the moment which is why I went to see him.

Anyway, long story short, he told me how he had lost several hundred playing slots online last night.

This has put me in something of a funk. I am the one who introduced him to online casinos a long time ago, back when it was just a bit of fun. He actually said today that I would have been proud of him because he was betting £25 a spin. I made it quite clear that he needs to be very careful and is best off saving his money rather than wasting it gambling. Tried my best, I have never encouraged him and ever since I realised I have a gambling problem I have never mentioned my losses or wins. Still feel like a worm.

and the worse part? He tells me he lost several hundred gambling online and it makes me want to do it too! How screwed up.

Anyway, I have extracted promises that my friend won't waste any more money online, I will keep an eye on him and try to make sure he is not turning into me!

In other news I am supposed to be going to see another mate who I suspect is a proper CG like the rest of us, we used to take on the pub fruities as a team for hours on end. Obviously this is not something I want to do anymore, so I am going to put off seeing him until I feel stronger. I have the moral strength of a soggy kit kat today.

A mixed day really I suppose. Feel proud of myself for trying to get better, not drinking so much and for being a better husband and father.

Bad bits are that I have not been a good friend, husband or father for quite some time.

I am going to invest the energy and money I would have wasted by gambling into being a better father and husband. And I will be a better friend.

writing stuff down really helps!

Feeling good today. Sun is shining and I feel like my batteries have had a full charge.

Have put off going to see my fruit machine buddy so that's sorted.

Checked in my other friend who I am worried about and he seems to be doing ok, swore that he hadn't been on the casinos again so that's good!

Work is really picking up and looks like some recent money pressure is easing off, this summer is going to be crazy busy I think.

I have discovered the widget thing on your profile that says how many days you have gone without gambling, it made me really happy because I always lose count when I quit and I think the counting is important!

Keep plugging away dude!

As harsh as it might sound, I wouldn't worry too much about other people at this point. Looking after #1 has to be the priority for all of us I think.

Arrrrghhhh! FFS. Back to day one. No self pity and no excuses.

No bender this time, getting right back on the horse. Weak 20 minutes was all it was. I am still quitting.

It's like snakes and ladders this s**t!

I am looking on today as positive.

why you ask? Well, I am back on here straight away, I have confessed my sin instead of hiding under a rock feeling sorry for myself, like last time!!!

Secondly, I have read a lot, and I mean A LOT of diaries this afternoon, many of them written by some very strong people who have overcome their addictions. Many of them had slip ups in the early days of their recovery and from what I have read it seems to be an almost helpful thing, quitting then gambling once and quickly realising you would rather stay quit for good.

Thirdly, I didn't enjoy the experience, I felt guilty about gambling where as before I felt guilty about losing. This is an important difference in my mind. Deposited fifty quid, twenty minutes of spins, felt horrible the whole time and withdrew. There was no conclusion, no big win and no big loss. I realised I don't want to be a gambler any more and I put a stop to it.

Today I tried gambling again and found out for myself that I would rather stay gamble free. I am disappointed with myself for letting all you crazy cats get a week ahead of me and I am back to 0 but it's a long road and just because I fell over doesn't mean I can't pick myself up, dust myself off and start walking again.

So here's to day one gamble free tomorrow and lets hope the sun is shining for us all again tomorrow!!!

You're not the first person, and you certainly won't be the last, to fall off the wagon.

You realised and stopped before doing a huge amount of damage. That's the main thing.

You can do it - one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if necessary.

Day one done. Sunshine and happy thoughts!