I’m back… and I genuinely didn’t think I’d ever be writing that again.
Five years. Five full years clean. I thought I’d beaten it for good.
But over the last six days, something’s shifted. I can’t even properly explain what it is. It’s like something switched in my head, and suddenly I found myself going back to the one thing I used to rely on… the thing I convinced myself was my “comfort blanket”, my escape from everything.
And now I’m sat here asking myself the same questions I used to:
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why do we put the people we love through it?
Is it selfishness? Weakness? Or is it something deeper that never really leaves us?
These are the thoughts that have been running through my head non-stop for the last 24 hours… especially after spending money I didn’t have.
I honestly thought I was past this. I thought I’d moved on. But it’s like it’s been waiting in the background this whole time, and somehow it’s pulled me back in again.
I’m not proud of it. I’m frustrated, I’m disappointed, and if I’m being honest… I’m a bit scared of how easy it was to slip.
But I also know one thing — I’ve done five years before, so I know I can fight this again right?
I just don’t want to do it on my own this time.
Hi
I know you must be feeling gutted. Do you have any idea why you reached for the comfort blanket as you mentioned ?
Would you mind if I asked, five years ago when you gave up, was it cold turkey or how did you put your recovery in place ?
I'm only 126 days into recovery but gambled for 44 years so it's been a tough ride in recovery but I've put a lot of work in, knowing I couldn't just switch the light off so I'm genuinely interested to know what your five year journey looked like
5 years is something to be proud of and to have the self awareness to curb it as you felt it happen is also great, I'm only just starting my journey at 59days gamble free but I know one thing I'll continue my current routine for the rest of my life, reminding myself each morning today I deserve to be gamble free and just for today I will be better for myself. That being said I'm aware relapses happen and I like to see them as a pothole, so my advice change that busted tire, get back behind the wheel and take control of your journey using a network and community to support and aid and don't change that routine
Hi mate 5 years is an amazing achievement u should be extremely proud i would love to be in your position since i come on this forum i have seen few people being betfree from 5-15 years then to have a major relapse most people to get to this sort of stage are in usually on going therpy like Ga other even with all the support still struggle to get any time away from a bet this forum is what kept me grounded
Hi @i0y8jcx463,
You probably feel very disappointed right now, but you've been doing so well and 5 years is a long time to remain clean. Lots of people relapse and some say it is part of the process.
Every day is a new one, and you will get through it in the same way you did before. Have you had any counselling? What measures did you have in place during those 5 years you were gamble free?
We are all here to support you to get back on track.
Kind Regards,
Jade
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