I will no longer allow gambling to ruin my life….

Day 20

Another day spent in the hospital but my partner and I did manage to escape for a lovely lunch. We also transferred to a much nicer apartment but the WiFi wasn’t working. This infuriated me as we wanted to watch Netflix and had no television. We were at a seaside town and so the temptation from arcades is intense. In the end, we just had an early night. Felt super proud getting through another Saturday! 

Em x

Go Em Go! 

Well done Em absolutely over the moon! You had me on the edge of my seat for a while then! Sorry to hear about your nan, that sucks, but your doing the right things I'm super impressed. Keep that focus going and remember baby steps and of course said in Pink Lady style "treat yourself!!" 

Amazing Em u have everyone support here this is what we all want to see i too struggled early days and kept coming back you need to be extra proud of yourself as i too struggle with things out of my control i know just how hard it is by not giving in you should be extra proud non addict will not understand this however people on here know just how hard it can be it good u are enjoying yourself the day will soon add up 👍

Beside myself, Dazza and Tazman!

it’s so nice to come on and see concerned but supportive comments. I’m actually behind on my journaling a few days but recently I’ve been feeling completely exhausted. It’s like I have no energy for anything! 
anyway, thank you guys for giving me strength. I’m still struggling (want to gamble, want to chase losses, want to escape etc), but I understand that nothing good will come of it and even though I sometimes feel a bit low, I’m feeling a lot better than I did more than 3 weeks ago!

I hope you are all ok, hanging on in there and doing well.

Em x

Day 21

Was at the hospital again today, then went back to my grandparents so I could do their laundry etc. as a treat my partner took me to a beautiful seafront Italian restaurant for dinner. It was beautiful, the food was divine but it was pricey.

if still is mind boggling to me that I can easily do deposits of £200-£500 per time seeing a bill for £100 makes me want to throw up.

Tomorrow we go back and I’m looking forward to my own bed and home tbh.

Hope everyone is staying strong and got through the weekend.

Em x

Day 22

Spent most the day driving back today but luckily set off quite early.

im noticing fleeting thoughts of gambling, I would say the same frequency but for less duration. The gambling texts that I’m still getting at least 3-5 a day, drive me really crazy. There’s no number attached to them so even though I report them, I can’t block. Infuriating!

in the evening, I shared a family favourite recipe with one of my children. I enjoyed cooking for the first time in a long time but the quality time spent was even better.

By the time night fell, everyone was sick as dogs. I again took cash and went to the supermarket to buy fresh lemons, ginger and honey and made a round of drinks for them all.

all in all, not a bad day… Glad to be home

Em x

Day 23

Almost caught up! 😅

Everyone is still sick and I’m still furiously making rounds of hot honey, ginger and lemon. 
I may have an extremely addictive personality but apparently I also have an immune system made of steel 💪😂

I spent the day sorting the house and doing laundry which had accumulated in masses. I also had to catch up on some admin. This Friday is pay day and quite frankly I’m petrified so I’m trying to organise finances so I know where every penny is going (and every penny is going). My partner and I bought some paint by numbers and a couple of Easels so we’re going to try our hand at painting in the garden on the weekend.
I also need to fish out the tennis rackets from the garage as we’re going to head to the tennis courts on Saturday for a game (we’re both terrible), but looking for some free/ cheap entertainment to keep me distracted from Friday.

good news today, I sold some bits on eBay to the tune of £200! It’s incentivised me to get in the loft and find more stuff to sell.

I got this 🤞 

Em

Thats amazing Em your doing brilliant first couple of weeks are hard i still have regrets why didnt i do this sooner as i still get reminded early days i was concerned about my debt wanted it gone now that i am on the plus side their so many things i want to do unfortunately they all involve costs i missed on alot in life and am playing catch however i know another few years i can do this just have to patient 

Day 24

Another relative popped by unexpectedly this evening and needed to stay the night. I’m really looking forward to having the house to myself tomorrow but nervous about my first payday weekend since quitting.

@tazman you are so right! It’s hard when you can’t do the things that you know you should be able to do if we hadn’t flushed all our cash down the toilet 😔

That’s what makes not falling of the wagon this weekend so important. The urge to chase is still pretty strong for me but I’m determined to beat those urges.

Other than more housework, cleaning, sorting and a bit more admin, there’s not much to report today. 

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Em x

Day 25

So I read a post on here that was really triggering. Somebody has won enough money to sort themselves out and I know their intention is good but I can’t get it out of my head.
They won, paid of numerous debts, still have money in the bank and came here to try and get support to ensure they now walk away and never go back to gambling.

Ive been that person. I remember doing exactly the same thing as them many years ago on here (winning then trying to be strong enough to not go back). It may have worked for a short time but ultimately I always went back and going out on a win was never for me. 
I know that, so why am I so triggered?! I know that even if I opened a site tonight and won, I’d still end up losing all my winnings as well as my own money. This is a repeated pattern.

im happy for that person and more than anything, i hope they can be one person that wins and walks away (essentially beating the bookies), i suppose i just know im not that person.

im very much concerned about the fact that ive just been paid and its Friday and i have no proper plans. If I think about the gambling triangle, ‘Time’ is definitely there, ‘Access’ will always be there with how resourceful i am so i suppose i need to take out the ‘Money’ possibility. I must not have any access to any cash tonight.

i dont think ive had this many gf days and im desperate to keep them going. I hadn’t watched my video in a while so i watched it last night and again just now. It’s so painful that it might just help.

i hope everyone stays strong this weekend.

Em x

Posted by: @837aobfmvu

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Day 21

Was at the hospital again today, then went back to my grandparents so I could do their laundry etc. as a treat my partner took me to a beautiful seafront Italian restaurant for dinner. It was beautiful, the food was divine but it was pricey.

if still is mind boggling to me that I can easily do deposits of £200-£500 per time seeing a bill for £100 makes me want to throw up.

Tomorrow we go back and I’m looking forward to my own bed and home tbh.

Hope everyone is staying strong and got through the weekend.

Em x

 

Just got into reading your diary and got engrossed, I have never been at the stage which you clearly have been but I could empaphise so much with the line above.  The amount of times I would look at an item costing £50 and not buy it because it was too much, and then walk down the round and blow hundreds in a bookies was insane.

The joy you got from that £100 meal and the memories it will bring will be so much greater than another unmemorable 20 minutes staring at spinning reels and feeling sick with guilt afterwards.

Good luck in your journey, I always found paydays were the worst as I felt rich and that gambling was affordable (and was then eating pasta all month)

Hope you finished the painting by numbers :-0

Hey Em

Firstly we'll done on what you've achieved!

You should be so proud of all the trigger moments you've overcome, I used to get frustrated with myself, why couldn't I just have 20 quid??  Now I realise 20 quid turns into thousands, sleepless nights, lack of self care, depression....the list goes on

That pang of just one go does pass, it's habit, and a bad one

When I started recovery I gave up smoking, still vaping but it came hand in hand with the gambling, every time I got a feature I'd light up, I'd get through packets of ciggies, smell like an old ashtray, feel lowest of lows!!

I can now afford perfume, care about myself so much more and life is certainly better

WE ARE getting there, it takes time

So many people are invested in your story and by documenting it for everyone to see is helping others, if you can help one person recover with your story you've won the jackpot in my eyes

Well done hun, you've got this 💪 

Xx

Em i agree i relapssed due to wotk collegues boasting how much they won at a casino it always ended up the same way as the odd occassion i did win i just couldnt stop and always didnt damage towards my finances the winnings are not as much of an issue as it use to be and i have found out how much i am able save just simply staying away from gambling the issue i am having now is why didnt i put this effort in sooner i didnt enjoy Ga and hated going their i didnt get on with the people and i was left on my own coming on here starting a diary understanding the value of being gamble free is what i believe worked for me i see it as going to work i have to put the effort i now understand awareness is what i lacked i gor to a stage where i managed to stop for short periods of time the moment i was tested i relapsed it not the case now i also understand the thought and urgues are temporary and having gam care support if i get those awful urgues i know where to come i cant handle stress and when things go wrong thats when i require the most support

How ya getting on Em? Well done hitting day 25! Try to ignore the posts about the win etc, people often about loud about the victories but never about the losses. Keep that in perspective and just focus on your own journey.  Your doing amazing 👏👏👏👏