It stops today. And i start living today

It took a while mate I still have the odd urges but you learn to deal with them like I said read the first 3 months of my diary that will give you lots of answers 

Well that’s day three done and dusted. 1st day of Cheltenham and never had one single bet, not even one of them free place pot ones the usually do in the sun. God have to go back 14/15 years since I never had a bet on it.

i had £300 cash in my pocket as well and I still got it. So theSame again tomorrow please.

quick update with my relationship, my girlfriend is quite rightly still mad at me but she said yes when I asked would she ever forgive me. Great high to end the day on. Didn’t want to push it any more with her but I truly have the best girl in the world and the best mother my child could ever have.

i owe this to them.  So I’m staying on the ride and staying gamble free. 

I feel so much better with myself 

the money i Have does belong to my girlfriend and she knows I have it, well either have it in my bank or she thinks I’ve blown it. I was waiting for her to mention it and I was gonna pull it out and be like look I can go the week without betting on Cheltenham so if I can  do that I can anything when it comes to not gambling 

.ive made a promise to her to stop and stop I will

Day 4 here it is. Feeling good, really don’t want to gamble and haven’t thought about it. Spoke to my girlfriend this morning, she asked about the money . I said it’s here explained to her about proving a point. She didn’t seem to happy, she’s still annoyed clearly.

We need to sort the car insurance out by tomorrow (we share a car, and the cars more her than mine even though we are both putting into the loan to pay for it) anyways I asked her are you putting me on the insurance. She said yes. 
Which sort of took me by surprise, so I asked her are you going to stay with me?her reply was I don’t have a choice do I? Anyways she’s gone out shopping for the day with the baby and her mam.

she said she doesn’t trust me as well. Hopefully I can regain it, and go back to how we where. I understand what I’ve put her through, genuinely. Hope it’s not to late.

What are your guys thoughts on my situation? Have you a had similar experiences? How did it turn out and what can I do more? 

Well things are looking good for me I think and hope.

Really good afternoon with my girls. Me and my girlfriend took the little one around her great nanas with her grandma. We had a good talk, then went shopping.

she keeps talking about future things with us like trips we had planned and she’s talking like she still wants to do them. Defo felt a better connection today. 
really happy about this.

plus not any compulsive thought to gamble. Day two of Cheltenham and I haven’t even thought to look at the results.

all positive progress in my eyes. Let’s keep it going 

Day 5 completed. Easy this one had a good day out with my girlfriend and our daughter, not thought about gambling once. Don’t feel the need to chase money my own little debt is nothin, so gambling can do one for good for me now. 

my full focus is my family, I want this to work so bad.

my girlfriend is a little unsure and skeptical though, trying my hardest to convince her. She keep mentions future things together so there is a lot of hope. I told there so many reasons to work on our relationship and very little reasons to break up. She completely agreed.

she worries if I do it again, I won’t I know I won’t.I know what I’ve got a home and that makes me winning at life already. 
pray for me please.

Good night with my girlfriend went to see a band she enjoyed herself. We where more intimate. She let me hold her and kiss her goodnight, still mixed messages though she doesn’t know what she wants. 
gambling can f**k right off, tbh not even had a thaught on it today. May that continue forever. 
full focus on my family, praying for this.

day 6 Another day. I still don’t want to gamble ever again. I really hate it.

Still in the unknown to what my girlfriend wants which puts me in a low mood.

it has only been 6 days, anyone with experience of letting love ones down??

do they forgive and forget? Do they get back together?

if so how long does it take generally for someone to forgive a person 

Currently in the best mood I’ve been In the last few years. Spoke to a councillor a few days ago and been going through these self help exercises. All I can say is wow each day I’ve got happier and happier.

he made me realise how such low self esteem I had for my self. And how many good things I have.

i have realised that the issue I had with Gambling is not the issue, it’s my way of thinking is the issue. It’s something that Iused to make up for money I didn’t have. Don’t need to do it that any more, or ever will again. As long as I don’t get meself on the cycle where I have been.  But being older and wiser i guarantee it will never happen again.

 I did it because I got roped into a situation that wasn’t created by me and me being mr nice tried to help out financially where it didn’t concern me(with my girlfriend buying a house).

I put all my savings into it (getting it decorated) nearly £10000. This is after I had offered to put half the money down and she rejected it.
Never really felt it was mine, and at time of arguments that was made clear to me. Same situation with everything else tbh, apart from the baby having my second name there’s nowt in that house that I can call mine. 

Even after saying I can’t afford things she’s never listened, and put more burden on me. Ok I’ll be honest I’ve never been totally honest with her about the personal debt I racked up trying to pay for things until. Nor was I honest with the gambling, as I was trying to win to pay for things like bills.

my girlfriend helped create this stress around me, and I holds my hands up to my own part.

I blame myself as I should of left years ago when not long after we had moved I found out she lied to me. This creates a argument where I asked for my money back and she got her mother involved telling me I’m getting nothing. 

anyways onwards and upwards. I’ve put on her for tonight, if she wants to start from scratch and make it work or not. I’ve got plans for both outcomes. One positive step at a time 

Had a good talk with my girlfriend, long talk got real serious agreed on a load and I'm happy to say that we are on. Obviously a lot to work on. But we both won't each other, so we will get there. 

BUZZZZZZZZZINNNNNNNGGGGGG

f**k the betting boys and girls get your focus on your fam

Officially one week since my last gamble.

Anyways just posting to say. I’m feeling good my family have got me, my girlfriend and I have sorted out our differences and we now have a clear path to where we are going.

On to the gambling Saturday was usually my day for a bet so today is the test. I’m going to the pub this afternoon with my mates who like to gamble. 
So today is the day of reckoning for me and I’m going to be completely honest about it.

As I feel right now is I don’t want to gamble, I have no intent to. 
Time will tell today I will let you know. Enjoy your weekend guys and girls

Another day gamble free. Long may this continue

Day 8

i can officially say I’m riding the good wave, still no desire to gamble had the odd little thought but knocked it out of my head.

Is this a honeymoon period or not??

not sure why it’s seeming pretty straightforward, no withdrawal symptoms or anything? 
anyone out there help me understand what I’m going through or will be going through?

thanks AK

Hi AK

well done on 8 days gf. I have just read through your diary and can relate to what you have said about the pressures of paying for things that maybe realistically we can’t afford. This has always been a trigger for me. I am currently on day 17 and like you, have almost found it too easy with no thoughts about gambling. The worst thing we can do though, is get too complacent and think it is easy as then we will get caught off guard when we least expect it. 

Stay focused on the reasons why you have stopped and take each day at a time.

We've got this. 

I hope you have a good Sunday.

Lonely

Thanks for your reply lonely, I’m questioning everything at the minute.

What is gambling addiction?

Am i guilty of wrong focus?

Looking for the easy way out?

have a lack of reality?

What is it?

why have I gambled for about 15 years and not see the destruction it’s caused?

why now?

and why does seem to easy?

i really don’t understand?