Life begins again

Good afternoon diary,

454,days and today I do feel I have achieved this by having my triangle left permantly broken, yes the desire to gamble is getting less and less, but I am still fully aware that they now can come out of the blue, and from no where when I least expect it, in fact more like this now, than when I feel good, or stressed or really low, but they are less, and my recovery is very strong because it is still at the forfront of my priorities,

Changing jobs, strengthened my resolve, and when we move it will strengthen my resolve even more, and not forgetting changing my mindset, to,standing up for myself, instead of saying yes or ok, to certain everyday things, to either keep the peace or because I did not have the energy for confrontation, (funny how I had loads of energy for gambling jeez, it takes all of our energy and reserve too, with all the lying, manipulation, and 24/7 keeping our addiction fed by working our every second, how much money we had/ could get/steal/ borrow/ you know the sad story.

I wished I had put all that energy into me and what I really wanted instead of dithering with sometimes any personal decision that came my way.

I wished I stuck up for myself more, I am beginning to realise now that saying ok and yes to,stuff I wasn't happy with was a big contribution to my escape to the self destructive world of an even more miserable gambling addict.

And I believe I have been doing this from the age of 11, am really digging deep back now, but it is necessary for me to keep gong OAUs,

Funny how sorting out old old photos yesterday (from the age of 2 to now) my life came back to me in literally pictures, I could begin to see how my life progressed, some of it painful, some of it very happy indeed, but all of it from the age of around 11 I felt very insecure and do mistakes and regrets started I guess from there, even though from then onwards I was saying yes and ok 99 times to the 1 time I was saying no,

I would never have thought of my life like this if I had not found this forum and my recovery journey,,(well not this quick )

I will think of Ryan today, regrets I have a few, but then again too few to mention,

Life is not always how we make it,,but we must strive to change what we can and what we can't try and accept.

Being a CG is just part of this complicated puzzle that is my life, (oh even though I have been an easy walk over and naive in my younger days I still had a difficult personality, wanting my own way if that makes sense dear diary, because I was not an easy person to live with,,whether that be with my parents, siblings, or husbands,,(my children always came first so they don't count) it was people from the outside of the family who walked over me, strange to understand

that, even though I am contradicting myself,

Basically it means diary,,I treated my family like S***e because I was feeling insecure and lacked self confidence, and I let the outside world walk over me, I never thought about families own feelings because I thought they were ashamed/or whatever of me, I gave all my insecurities away to outsiders which obviously made things worse, and obviously led to the addiction that is gambling,

which just made my life 100% worse, it could have not got any worse 454 days ago.

Thank you gamcare for allowing me in to meet all the wonderful folk that I have met on here, and thank you all you wonderful folk

that have shared your journeys with me

Life is really too short, Let's not waste even one more minute.

Make today count, it's the only sure future we know.

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and happy gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Hi,

Congratulations on 454 days. Wow - the days are flying by.

Also thank you for a thought provoking, honest and from the heart post above.

You are an inspiration to us all.

Best wishes x

Hi Suzanne,

I can really relate to your post today. Going through similar emotions looking back at life. I too am learning to say No instead of being a yes woman. We are definetely going in the right direction this time even though the soul searching stuff is tiresome, it has to be done. Enjoy the rest of the weekend, you are doing just great. Suzy

Thanks Balvaird and Suzy,xxx

Good morning diary,

455 days into my recovery.

It started raining yesterday afternoon, and hasn't stopped yet lol, but as the new week starts I feel sunny, positive and stress free.

Inside, HDs indeed.

Wishing everyone a strong positive and calm day.

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne

Nice to see you are still aware of the urges even after so many days gamble free - a lesson to us all.

Paul

Hi suzanne, i meant to post to you in your diary, but i posted on the new members forum - Paul

Hi Suzanne,

I hope that all is well with yourself.

Best wishes

Dave X

Hiya Suzanne

lovely thought provoking post from you on Sunday, looking back especially at photos can be good for the soul 🙂 ..we were going through the hundreds of pictures we have in a draw the other week comparing likenesses with our daughters and grand children...my mum and dad never had many pics of me or my sis and brother, from birth till I'm Around 18 there's only one pic of the Ginger one aged around 7 it's a school photo and me ma sent me to school that day with a red jumper on ....thanks mum lol..keep winning blondie there's exciting times ahead for you..OAU..Ginge x

Glad to hear that your feeling sunny and positive despite the rain.

455 days is good going.

Regards... S.A 🙂

I have posted on the new members forum my response to your post to me. Just wanted to say 'THANK -YOU' for sharing with me so painfully your gambling story. Nite nite - Paul

Morning Suzanne from sunny Rome.
456 days is just magical like this city!
Have a great day.
Steve xxx

Thank you so much paul and paul, SA, GT, ginge,Dave,Pheonix, and Steve, your messages are very much appreciated xx

Good morning diary,

456 days today,

The weather is still rubbish (jet stream to blame I believe lol) it's nice down south but dismal up here.

Time for a visit down south I think lol, one thing I know I won't be visiting today and that's online slots, that is HISTORY now,

So HDs indeed ( for today lol)

Wishing everyone sunny, warm and happy inside feelings, and have a good gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne,

Pleased you are feeling strong and positive in your recovery. I'm reading things that are very good signs, like getting on with boring jobs that are easy to put off, dealing well with a lot of change, and so on. I still remember how it felt to have hundreds of gamble-free days under your belt, it certainly takes a lot less work to manage the urges. They come so much less at that point, too.

Did your diary used to be called Blondie, or are they calling you that for another reason?

f x

Hi Suzanne

Correct, on-line slots are history now, good.

Keep going and well done.

Paul

Good morning diary,

457 days and the sun is actually out lol, ( quite cool here though) but it better than being cool and raining.

Have yet another viewing this afternoon after work, (I think at this early stage of the house on the market we are getting a lot of time wasters) I am fine with that, but OH gets quite het up about it, in fact he is leaving this side of it to me lol,

He wants to move as much as me, but I keep telling him patience (lol) cos that is. Something I am still working hard on HDs

I loved the line Duncs wrote on his diary this morning, "I can enjoy the view today because of the choice I made yesterday) lovely inspiring words.

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and calm gambling free day

Suzanne xx