Life begins again

Good evening diary,

Late entry today but proud to say 173 days without spending even one penny on any form of gambling,

Worked long shift yesterday finishing at 11 pm and back in early this morning until 5.30 and not well, but I have done it, and now have 2 days off.

I want to step back from thinking every day about abstaining and maintaining, because it means I am thinking about it too much. I would love to not have to think about it at all, but I am not there yet,( will I ever be able to wake up and not think about abstaining, I hope this journey brings me that,)(if that makes sense).

I think it will always be with me especially as even when those payday loans are paid off, I will still be 20000, in debt just through gambling.

Why did I not see red, If I can find the answer to that, and not think every day about abstaining, I will be where I was before this disgusting addiction took hold of me.

That would be total control.

But I continue to make that right choice to abstain and maintain everyday and yes that is the only way to go, but why did I make that choice in the first place to not be happy with my winnings, why oh why did I just keep putting my winnings back into the slots and then chasing and then continue to lose.by depositing and depositing. Bigger stakes every time.

I will never understand what I did, and I will never forget, and I will never be able to trust myself, but I want to be able to wake up without thinking every morning about abstaining.

My life will be kind of normal then, I hope.

Rambling thoughts tonight but this is how I feel tonight, I want to be really free from it all, but I don't think I ever will be.

Being tired and not well is making me feel negative, and I know I will feel positive tomorrow, and I have no thoughts at all for gambling, the scar is too big to mend.

This rollercoaster ride is certainly not boring.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and calm gambling free evening.

Suzanne xx

I

Good evening diary,

Late entry today but proud to say 173 days without spending even one penny on any form of gambling,

Worked long shift yesterday finishing at 11 pm and back in early this morning until 5.30 and not well, but I have done it, and now have 2 days off.

I want to step back from thinking every day about abstaining and maintaining, because it means I am thinking about it too much. I would love to not have to think about it at all, but I am not there yet,( will I ever be able to wake up and not think about abstaining, I hope this journey brings me that,)(if that makes sense).

I think it will always be with me especially as even when those payday loans are paid off, I will still be 20000, in debt just through gambling.

Why did I not see red, If I can find the answer to that, and not think every day about abstaining, I will be where I was before this disgusting addiction took hold of me.

That would be total control.

But I continue to make that right choice to abstain and maintain everyday and yes that is the only way to go, but why did I make that choice in the first place to not be happy with my winnings, why oh why did I just keep putting my winnings back into the slots and then chasing and then continue to lose.by depositing and depositing. Bigger stakes every time.

I will never understand what I did, and I will never forget, and I will never be able to trust myself, but I want to be able to wake up without thinking every morning about abstaining.

My life will be kind of normal then, I hope.

Rambling thoughts tonight but this is how I feel tonight, I want to be really free from it all, but I don't think I ever will be.

Being tired and not well is making me feel negative, and I know I will feel positive tomorrow, and I have no thoughts at all for gambling, the scar is too big to mend.

This rollercoaster ride is certainly not boring.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and calm gambling free evening.

Suzanne xx

I

Suzanne

from where I am today I will say this,don't change your attitude,don't fall out of 'love' with recovery.

I myself did it,you could call it complacency but I know today I stopped wanting to arrest the bet more than I wanted to bet.

Gifting my continued abstinence to addiction.

today I am less than a fortnight from taking back my gamble free year,it means so much more this time,why??

Because simply my dear friend it gifts me the ability to make it one year and one day and so on.

Continued abstinence is the only way we win.

The coulda woulda shoulda is the question I cannot answer.

I don't believe there is an answer to why we live by the mantra whilst gambling

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

the switch inside,the trigger that compels us to punt on is something that is just in my mind in our make-up.

In times of thinking like yours today which come along from time to time I always raise a smile by thinking about my dearly departed friend Dave(R.I.P fella) from my GA room who used to say about his 25 yrs in the rooms.

' I can't wait to meet the fella who comes into the room as say's I need help I can't stop winning!!!!'

Ironic but very true.

The money is just the fuel,the stakes are not the issue either,it is the relentless pursuit until all bets are exhausted,then the formulating to fund the next one.

Win or lose the result is the same

LOSS.

Through arresting the next punt you actually win.

Keep doing so my dear friend.

With great honour and pride

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning suzanne

Try and keep it simple keep looking at the big picture and your doing fantastic you cannot do any more than you are doing at this moment in time , just be proud of what your achieving its a great achievement

Castle2

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your advice, I am glad that someone else has had these thoughts, I just have to be patient I guess, Thanks again x

Good morning diary,

174 days of abstaining and maintaining.

The support I get in here (even when I feel sorry for myself) is fantastic and It means so much to me, thank you all.

Cold is no better, not even dressed yet, but reading on here this morning, has made me feel so much more positive again, because I know I am not on my own.

As long as we all continue to use this wonderful forum, we will never be in our own, fighting this horrible addiction.

I will not be playing today, because abstaining and maintaining one day at a time, is the way to keep winning and keep mine and my families life on track.

Wishing everyone a happy peaceful and positive gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Suzanne thank you for your post on my diary it was full of wise words and came at exactly the right time for me. Your approach of taking one day at a time is one I need to adopt because ive found myself drifting along with my guard down and that's how this horrendous addiction sneaks back in.

But yes it would be amazing to one day get to a point where we can wake up and not think at all about either gambling or recovery. I think it is possible but I guess we have to earn it, and who knows how long it takes to get to that point? Whatis for sure is that to get there we must abstain, and you are doing a great job with that part x

Hi Suzanne

Well done my friend on continued abstinence and I hope you start to feel better.

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Afternoon Suzanne.

174 days wow!

Hope your cold goes soon.

Have a great day.

Steve xxx

Hi - Just saw your post on my diary. Thanks for that. You're doing really well with your abstinence - I'd like to read your diary but it's too long!

You're a positive influence around this place.

All the best

175 days is a fantastic achievement. Those days keep adding up.

You are a true inspiration to me and all on here.

Hope you are feeling better.

Steve xxx

Good morning diary,

175 days that makes 25 whole weeks, and one week off from 6 months off not spending a single penny on any form of gambling.

Still feel lousy, but have the day off, not having little man, today as I am not well, and I would hate for him to catch this virus, as 3 year olds catch every germ going lol.

Son came home from hols in Egypt, early yesterday morning, so I guess he will be popping round, seems weeks since I saw him.

So feeling positive and in control to make that right choice NO GAMBLING TODAY, because I love WINNING in every way.

Wishing everyone a strong positive and peaceful gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Great work Suzanne, soon you won't be counting the days because this abstinence will be the norm. Hope you get better soon,

James

Hi Suzanne

Ty for your continued support and kind words on my diary. Hope you soon start to feel better and never forget you are an inspiration to many of us on here

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

175 days is fantastic Suzanne.

Another milestone. That's fantastic !

Hope you feel better soon.

Take care ,

Suzy

Good morning diary,

176 days today of abstaining and maintaining from the horrible addiction that is called gambling .

Work shortly even though I don't feel any better, might have to visit doctors if I can get in lol.

As far as gambling is concerned today, no chance, I have no thoughts whatsoever to lose any more money, and that feels sooo good and positive.

Wishing everyone a safe strong and determined gambling free day.

Suzanne xx