Life or Death

Day 2 (Sunday November 15th)

After I submitted my day one post yesterday the day ended terribly but not due to anything gambling related.

Earlier in the day I purchased 7 bottles of Kopparberg and had planned to just gather my thoughts and try to relax whilst watching a couple of movies.

My ignorant selfish neighbour put paid to that by having a birthday bash with a load of idiots who thought it was acceptable to turn the music up louder the later that it got!!

They were at it from 4PM yesterday through to 14:00 in the afternoon today.  I’m no party pooper at all but my windows rattling and my flat vibrating ALL BLOODY NIGHT is totally not on.  So much for lockdown aye.

On to today, in my sleep deprived state I have not gambled but that is more down to having no active payment methods than it is to any form of achievement on my part.

I have maintained my bathing routine even though I constantly tried to justify not following through with it.  Small wins still count I guess.

I have become awfully lax with my dental hygiene of late too because seeing my reflection in the mirror just reinforces the whole “what is the point, people will still mock me” mentality.  I have decided that a major achievement for today is to thoroughly clean my teeth before bed and to try and instill this into my routine going forward.  I know I sound disgusting don’t I!?

Also I felt that I should start taking my anxiety meds at a specific time each day in order to keep my brain chemicals at a consistent level, 9PM is the designated time.

I am hoping that all the personal development blogs/books have some substance and that come Dec 31st I will have introduced enough small changes to just slightly elevate my mood and thus enable me to fight on.

For all you warm hearted members who have given their time to post their thoughts and ideas, thank you so much.  I am in a pretty raw mindset right now but if things start to improve I hope to be able to express my gratitude on a more personal level to each and every one of you.

Thanks for reading. xMx

***ACHIEVEMENTS (Day 2)***

• Clean teeth (bedtime)
• Take anxiety meds (9PM)

***ONGOING ACHIEVEMENTS***

• Bathed/Showered  (2 days)
• DIDN’T GAMBLE  (2 days)
• Maintained this diary  (2 days)

Dear Agent DarkKn1ght.

Well done, this is progress, steps in the right direction. Always remember it is progress rather than perfection! 

Best Wishes

Amanda

Forum Admin 

Day 3 (Monday November 16th)

First and foremost, I didn’t gamble today.  I am not going to get carried away by such a short timeframe.  In all aspects of my life I need to see records broken before I look upon it as tangible improvement.

My beautiful dog gets everything in terms of love and affection but I have been so self absorbed for so long now that my best mate “Dave” has not been getting anywhere near enough exercise.  Sporadic walks need to end with immediate effect.  My boy needs and more importantly DESERVES a good walk everyday from here on in.

My BDD for a number of years now has been exacerbated by male pattern baldness.  I caught it early and the meds help (to a degree) but I feel now is the time to take this med at a consistent time also.  10PM is the time I will do this going forward.

Lets see what tomorrow brings............

Thanks for reading. xMx

***ACHIEVEMENTS (Day 3)***

• Walked the dog
• Hair loss meds (10PM)

***ONGOING ACHIEVEMENTS***

• Bathed/Showered  (3 days)
• Clean Teeth (bedtime)  (2 days)
• DIDN’T GAMBLE  (3 days)
• Maintained this diary  (3 days)
• Take anxiety meds (9PM)  (2 days)

ADK,

Welcome to the forum.

You are doing a great job so far. Your posting, giving yourself tasks and you’ve not gambled so well done.

In life, no matter what you do or what your trying to change or give up, the beginning is always the hardest and it gets progressively easier. You’re at the start of a new journey. If it is tough which it will be know that it’ll get easier.

I’m 415 days off gambling and I’m having a great time. 416 days ago was a dark time. I started doing exactly what you’re doing now - posting daily, setting tasks, keeping busy, learning about my addiction and making sure above all else I didn’t gamble. I knew without doubt that I wanted and needed to stop.

I started running. It was tough but I always felt great afterwards. It put me in a better frame of mind. I’ve ran well over 1000 miles since then and love it. Running might or might not be for you. If not, find something else to do that makes you feel good and improves your health. Feeling good and healthy in body and mind helped me a great deal. Prior to this, I gambled, lost, worried, couldn’t sleep, ate rubbish, lazed about the couch and had absolutely no zest for life. Today is over a thousand miles away from those dark times.

I think you can do this. I can sense it from your posts. Keep going. Keep working towards a better and happier future.

RR

Day 4 (Tuesday November 17th)

Four days in now and there has been no gambling to speak of.  Until my new cards arrive though I will continue to not view this as an achievement.

I had a very frustrating call yesterday with a mental health practitioner over ADHD meds.  She believes it is ridiculous to not prescribe them where as the consultant is reluctant to act on it until I get my anxiety under control.  Considering I have been like this for 25 years, it is looking like I am never going to make any progress.

I was trying to justify not taking Dave for a walk because it was dark by the time I got to my partners.  I managed to ward off the mental chatter and take him though so I am glad about that.

My partner said something last night that hurt me, whilst laying in bed she brought up xmas and talk of financial struggle.  I have already told her that I have enough left to get my 3 eldest a ps5 each but she still kept moaning on.  In the end I just said “I am sorry I am broke, I beat myself up enough already so please don’t you start”.  She then couldn’t sleep apparently and she proceeded to go back downstairs.  For years I showered my kids with expensive gifts whilst she bought nothing but stocking fillers.  Now the money is gone so is the memory of everything I have done for my kids in the past.

I spoke of my issues with my appearance in previous posts and to be honest I don’t think she has ever liked me in a sexual sense, it seems all I ever was, was a walking wallet.  To think that this person is my only support!

The worst part of all is that we don’t even live together (never have) and thus we have seperate finances.  I have lost my money, not our money.  She really takes the biscuit at times.

I was feeling very down and demotivated today and the best I could do in terms of progress was to add “drinking 500ml water” to the routine.  Talk about baby steps!

Thanks for reading. xMx

***ACHIEVEMENTS (Day 3)***

• Drink 500ml water per day

***ONGOING ACHIEVEMENTS***

• Bathed/Showered  (4 days)
• Clean Teeth (bedtime)  (3 days)
• DIDN’T GAMBLE  (4 days)
• Take Hair loss meds (10PM)  (2 days)
• Maintained this diary  (4 days)
• Take anxiety meds (9PM)  (3 days)
• Walked Dave  (2 days)

Baby steps are the best way makes the goals more achievable. I never criticise the way people live their lives no ones business but you've mentioned it on your post that you've never lived together. Could I ask who's choice was that? Just wondering if all these things contribute to your low self esteem. Tell me if you think I'm prying just strikes me that you've had a lonely existence despite having a family. Walking your dog Dave is a really good thing for both of you, we have 2 German shepherd Jinx and Magi they bring me a lot of joy. I enjoy walking them a lot more now I'm not gambling anymore I was always rushing to get home to gamble....sad. You are making progress don't be in a rush good things are worth waiting for

Michael, good work so far. Despite feeling like you do you're still managing to take a step forward each day. It might not feel like it sometimes but you're doing what you didn't do before so that's great.

On one of your posts above you mention about justifying taking your dog for a walk. I have a little saying that might help. "Find a reason for doing something rather than an excuse not to". 

Find your reason every day.

All the best

Chris.

Charlieboy

It was her choice and it’s ok mate I don’t mind people asking me anything.  She has basically spent her entire life on benefits and she always has a long list of excuses whenever anything is suggested that could threaten this.  Our first child was conceived after a one night stand so it’s highly unlikely I would be with her if it weren’t for that.  I have to agree on your loneliness suggestion, I crave human interaction but I genuinely feel I am deprived that due to my appearance.

Day 5 (Wednesday November 18th)

Once again I haven’t gambled today but the real test won’t arrive until my re-issued cards do.

I have maintained my current list of ongoing tasks but as always happens with me, I am beginning to feel the rumblings of overwhelm.  My mind races in multiple directions and my ability to focus is massively impeded, this in turn triggers my anxiety.  I am trying though and for now I can’t do any more.

I am very fussy about foods I can eat so committing to a healthy diet isn’t entirely straightforward.  I know sugar isn’t great for us but I am starting with a bowl of All-Bran (50g) each day.  With 7g of protein and 13g fibre it is much better than the vast majority of cereals.  I was gonna go with rolled oats but the protein/fibre content is much lower than all-bran although it has next to no sugar.  Nothing is set in stone with nutrition and I guess I will learn as I go.

The fight continues..........

Thanks for reading. xMx

***ACHIEVEMENTS (Day 5)***

• 50g All-Bran with 250ml Whole Milk

***ONGOING ACHIEVEMENTS***

• Bathed/Showered  (5 days)
• Clean Teeth (bedtime)  (4 days)
• DIDN’T GAMBLE  (5 days)
• Drink 500ml water per day  (2 days)
• Take Hair loss meds (10PM)  (3 days)
• Maintained this diary  (5 days)
• Take anxiety meds (9PM)  (4 days)
• Walked Dave  (3 days)

Hi Agent-DarkKn1ght,

I love hearing about these massive changes you are striving for and making on a daily basis to better your situation. 

I can really relate with you on how difficult it can be to do what are seemingly easy tasks to others. 

I just wanted to say that you are doing great and to keep putting one foot in front of the other with little steps that will contribute to a big effect when collectively put together. 

Just remember that we don't need to doing everything perfectly to feel acceptable and it's ok to have more or less progress at different times as our journey of change progresses on a daily basis.

Kind regards 

Hi, you have mentioned about worrying when your new cards arrive that you will be tempted to gamble. I assume this is a debit card and if so you should contact your bank to ask them to put a block on gambling transactions. Not ignoring how tough it is for you right now just picked up on that and thought it might help

All the best

Hey ADK your reply to me made me feel sad. Due to the BDD you feel like this ? Hope you can do what bladesman said you need all the defences against gambling you can get. The more defences the easier it is to ignore the urges and focus on something else. Keep going day by day those baby steps are mounting up, don't pressurise yourself if you can't add new steps everyday then don't ,concentrate on what you are doing until you feel settled then add something new. Self care, what you are doing will gradually lift your mood believe me been there !!

And I bet Dave is happy with his part of the self care. I actually managed a walk in the dry today !!

Day 6 (Thursday November 19th)

Six days free of gambling now and now the real work starts.  One of my new debit cards arrived today and without even opening the envelope I handed it to my missus.  I am yet to decide what the next step is with regard to this.

I endured another frustrating day today because I wanted to order playstation 5’s for my three eldest.  Stock was nowhere to be found and I am not confident that this will change in the run up to xmas.

I got fed up at looking at the familiar sight of my two overflowing laundry baskets and decided that the next step in my progression can be to complete one load of laundry each day.  It’s not like I have to wash it manually, how difficult can it be to sustain this!?

On the plus side my walk with Dave felt a little easier today in a physical sense.  I was shattered on the first couple of days so maybe it’s either progress or my imagination, admittedly either is a possibility.

The road ahead is still shrouded in thick fog.....

Thanks for reading. xMx

***ACHIEVEMENTS (Day 6)***

• Complete one load of laundry per day
  

***ONGOING ACHIEVEMENTS***

• 50g All-Bran with 250ml Whole Milk  (2 days)
• Bathed/Showered  (6 days)
• Clean Teeth (bedtime)  (5 days)
• DIDN’T GAMBLE  (6 days)
• Drink 500ml water per day  (3 days)
• Take Hair loss meds (10PM)  (4 days)
• Maintained this diary  (6 days)
• Take anxiety meds (9PM)  (5 days)
• Walked Dave  (4 days)

Day 7 (Friday November 20th)

I have reached the end of my first week of gambling sobriety.  Up to press there have been absolutely no urges.  I do however have more than enough experience to know that an iceberg or two will soon make themselves visible and my life depends on them being navigated safely.

I just wish my general well being was better.  I am yet to lapse with any of my newly installed tasks/habits but I am yet to feel any change in mood.  Strangely to anyone who may be reading, this has absolutely no bearing on gambling losses or my finances.  As always it is my hatred regarding my appearance.  Standing there looking at my reflection whilst trying to carefully clean my brace covered teeth is psychological torment for me and it is taking gargantuan effort to maintain this habit.

Besides feeling incredibly downbeat following every glimpse of my reflection, I have added morning dental care to what I am trying to make a consistent routine.  I must be some sort of masochist!

I really don’t know if I can keep this charade up much longer but for the sake of my family/dog I will force myself to follow through with this until Dec 31st.

I won’t lie though, I am scared that all my good intentions will be in vain.  I really hope that some event will take place which enables me to feel a spark of something positive, no matter how small.

I really have never felt so alone......

Thanks for reading. xMx

***ACHIEVEMENTS (Day 7)***

• Clean teeth (morning)

***ONGOING ACHIEVEMENTS***

• 50g All-Bran with 250ml Whole Milk  (3 days)
• Bathed/Showered  (7 days)
• Clean Teeth (bedtime)  (6 days)
• Complete one load of laundry  (2 days)
• DIDN’T GAMBLE  (7 days)
• Drink 500ml water per day  (4 days)
• Take Hair loss meds (10PM)  (5 days)
• Maintained this diary  (7 days)
• Take anxiety meds (9PM)  (6 days)
• Walked Dave  (5 days)