Life or Death

Michael

glad to see you have posted fella, I will be honest I thought about you a great deal over the past month, the desperate situation that you had placed yourself in mentally made me wonder if you had simply found the ability to see the value of life, your life.

for me I emulate greatly with the feeling of utter worthlessness which has led me to believe that suicide was the solution to dealing with those emotional feelings. I have found it unbearable to have to watch the results of my actions and I found comfort in the thought of ending my life.

Mental well-being is such an important aspect of my life, without it I seek the self destruction button in every aspect and action I take because I often fail to see the ability to past failure.

 The saying nothing changes if nothing changes for me is profound 

today I have first and foremost a better relationship with myself, from experience you will have to find a way to put the loss of finances behind you, because fella you will never get those losses back, they are gone and further gambling will just add to the losses.

 I calculate that I roughly gambled and lost a quarter of a million pounds in the 25 years I progressively fed addiction, which I accept is on paper a huge sum of money, which today I see the value of in a very different way because without the escapism from my inner turmoil I don’t know if I would have found the will to carry on, addiction I believe saved me from myself.

 I believe that if you still need to feed it to live then I will not judge you for it, simply because I don’t qualify to judge anyone.

what’s different for me today?

 I am committed to the program of GA, it is my go to, a new addiction if you like, I walked into the rooms back in 2012 and attended for 51 straight weeks, I believed what was said in that room but my arrogance told me that I was better than everyone else in that room, I wasn’t like them and ultimately addiction became the answer, my crutch to deal with my trials and tribulations.

last January I walked back into the rooms with a change of mindset, I was done with the consequences of actively feeding addiction, I was set to lose far more than my hard earned as a result of my actions and I accepted that I wanted help 

I attend three meetings a week, at present two online and one in person as the lockdown rules state meetings for well-being are allowed and at the end of every meeting I feel like I have been gifted another dose of an amazing medicine. There’s no agenda, I don’t and won’t judge, I am beginning to understand the whole value of the 12 step program 

because I simply wish to be the best version of myself 

I hope you keep writing, I want you to understand that you have to do what you need to do to get through another day 

suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

everything is achievable, everything has a reason and purpose even the things that cause upset.

believe in yourself.

lastly I hope your hound is well and still enjoying your company, my two whippets are without doubt amongst my best moments in life.

take care of yourself 

Duncs