Life or Death

@agent-darkkn1ght What's going on?

Yeah Its good actually Agent darkknight...I like a good routine...keep it up!

Keeping organised and healthy living are so important. A routine and even lists to keep it together are a good thing.

We tend to forget that things like cleaning teeth regularly are so important to a feel good factor and health. We can get lazy with these things

Healthy body... healthy mind or is it the other way round...lol cos they wont let me do a bracket smile symbol on here

Whatever works for you...keep talking about it..we are here and we are listening.

I started looking after myself with a mind on army discipline ..clean my razor  make my bed.....do my weights lol...but it works!...humility discipline...pride in the small things

This is about you feeling good so please make your lists...you are worth far more than those dark days of gambling.

Best wishes to you

Please keep ur diary up even if you've lapsed, it was a great read and adding a new way to improve you're life each day was great.

Day 16 (Sunday November 29th)

I was starting to think people weren’t particularly interested in this diary so I haven’t updated for a while.  It’s late and I am shattered so tomorrow I will go in to more detail about recent happenings.  What I can say for now though is that I have not gambled for 16 days.

xMx

That is so awesome to hear. We are all definitely interested because we all care we want you to succeed

Good on you for 16 days bet free.

Don't do the diary for others though, do it for yourself. This isn't a forum for likes and thumbs up, it's for saying outloud that you are in trouble and need help. That's why people commented on you not posting, because unknown strangers are concerned for your wellbeing and want you to get better. Just think in a certain time how good it would be to look back on this diary, your diary, and see how far you have hopefully come, and to remind yourself that you could go back to the start again. That's what the diary is for.

Glad you're okay.

Chris.

@agent-darkkn1ght Come on man, keep us updated.

Chris.

Just like everything else I have tried to do in the past 41 years.......I FAILED!!

As of January 31st I had £118,900 in the bank (Proceeds of my house sale).  As of today I have £80 left.  My only income source is Universal Credit.  Additionally, my credit card is the only thing I have to prevent this xmas turning into a disaster for my four children.

I have around 5k of debts and a fast approaching end of tenancy date (Feb 26th).  All my attempts at positive thinking are being ravaged by negative memories and the realisation of what it is I am actually facing.

I now realise that it was hugely counter productive to put a short term date (Dec 31st) on my ability to meet any progression targets.  As a lifelong sufferer of severe anxiety, I was setting myself up to fail from the outset.

I still sincerely believe that suicide will eventually result from all this BUT........I still have a miniscule amount of hope, god knows how!!!!!

Whilst there is still hope there has to be a chance.  The existence of this chance is the one thing keeping me alive.

Instead of setting such a short term target I have decided to TRY and embrace reality.  I still have a target date in order to bring about progress but this is a date where by some of the pressure can be released in order to cultivate a plan for what comes next.

My re-evaluated date is December 31st 2021.  I am giving myself until January 1st to simply formulate a plan and nothing more.  By January 1st though I am going to try my best to carry out this plan.  In order to not end my life come the end of next year though a number of targets WILL have to be achieved, in ALL aspects of life.

I must move forward in 2021, I MUST!!

My entire life depends on it!!

Today is going to be incredibly difficult for me because I have decided to sit down my three eldest children and explain to them what I am, and what this has done to me financially.  I have hidden it all from them but like my father said to me, “The boys have a mindset borne from a time when you had an abundance of money and thus could have almost anything they wanted.  They need to be made to realise that this time has now passed and there is no guarantee it will return before they become men in their own right”.  

Wish me luck 🙁

xMx

@agent-darkkn1ght

If you mean you failed because you re-gambled at least you tried.

The people who fail are the ones who don't try. You tried. Now try again.

Get this diary back on track.

Talk to someone in mental health care.

Get into a GA group.

I too have felt hopeless, and for me that was the worse feeling. Not the money, not losing jobs, not going to prison or even losing my family. They were bad and nothing I want to experience again, but when I felt hopeless l couldn't see any light, so there was no point carrying on. But there was hope, I just couldn't see it. I talked to people, I wrote stuff down to get it out off me and when I cleared my head a little I started to see the glimmer of hope that I needed. Then I took it and ran with it. You can too.

Remember you're not alone.

Chris.

I liked ur old style diary with things ud achieved each day, maybe start that again

Dear @agent-darkkn1ght

As I read your post, I can hear your anguish and I am concerned to read that you feel that you believe that suicide may be the eventual result.

Please know that there is help out there for you and I would encourage you to speak with your GP about your thoughts. It is so important that you look after yourself and your mental health as you strive to become gamble free. I appreciate recovery is not easy but it is so worth it in the end. You have so much to live for and look forward to, you need to do everything in your power to get there. And sometimes it’s just about getting help to stay alive.  

As well as your GP there are other services available to you, and we are here for you 24/7. If you feel that you can’t cope and that you are making plans to end your life, please call 999 or take yourself to the nearest A&E. You can also call the Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123.

I appreciate that you might feel talking won’t fix your problems. But talking can 100% keep you alive so you are here to do the fixing and the rebuilding.  

Kind regards

Jo

Forum Admin

Are you receiving any financial help at all ..there can feel a lack of hope with debts getting on top and worrying.

If you need help i recommend contacting stepchange they put me on a debt management plan i pay them an anount i can afford eacj month and they split it between creditrs and its stops the harrasing letters and having to contact them as stepchange do the contacting.

Make sure you still have bambling blocks if any

Keep reaching out..have you tried chatroom its very supportive on there.

I know how it feels to feel that you have no other option right now but as you said keep hold of that glimmer of hope 

Lou x

DK,

Sorry to learn about your recent setback however, know this, you haven’t failed. You are trying. Failure is giving up or not trying at all. This is not you.

Go from where you are with what you have because in the years ahead when all is better and you look back at your past you will realise the magnitude of what you achieved. You will succeed in becoming a non gambler. Along the journey you will build a better, greater live filled with happiness and gratitude.

Keep your chin up and take care.

RR

Day 1

Hello everyone,

Things have been tough since I last posted.  My kids xmas presents were funded entirely by credit cards, cards which I cannot afford to pay!

My gambling hell has put paid to ALL (barring £500) of the £118,900 I had in the bank (from the house sale) just short of a year ago.

I am paying bills with credit cards, I am drugged up to the eyeballs with this useless Effexor medication, I am not eating, and my physical condition/fitness has deteriorated to new levels in partnership with my awful personal hygiene.

w*f is wrong with me, I am a 41 year old disgrace of a man...........

As of today this has to stop, no more excuses, no more falling off the wagon, today MUST be day 1 for the very last time.  If I fail again I think I will end up taking the most drastic measure of all.

Thanks for reading

xxxMichaelxxx

Welcome back Michael,

I am really sorry to hear that things have been so tough since you last posted, I really feel you would benefit from some extra support at this difficult time.

As you start on day one of your recovery, I’d like to suggest a couple of steps forward. Firstly, the stresses that you have over the credit card debt , I would recommend getting some free debt advice to look at managing the debt as this can help remove some of the stress you are under.

You can  contact the National Debtline on 0808 808 4000, as well as seeking advice through:

StepChange – 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org/ 

PayPlan – 0800 280 2816, www.payplan.com/gamcare/

I am also concerned over the medication you are taking and the effect that is having on you. I would recommend talking to your GP about this and seeing what alternatives may be available, even letting him know how you are generally feeling may open up the conversation around extra support that may be available.

I know that at the moment things seem really difficult for you, but please know you are not alone in this. You can talk to one of our advisers 24/7 to see what further support we can also provide. You can call us on either 0808 8020 133 or chat to us via our NetLine

Having some support can really help you on your recovery journey.  With this in mind I’d also recommend that you visit our Chatroom for some peer support, it can help structure your day as well as being a place you can come and talk with others who have more understanding of what you’re going through. It runs every day at 1pm and again at 8pm and you can access it here: Chatroom

We are really pleased you've returned Michael, so please do take care and know we are here to support you.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin