Life With Sports Bets Only

Cap,

Thanks for the post on my diary. Truth is I need those blocks. I am not ready yet to deal with addiction without blocks. Everything in my body today is telling me to gamble but because of my blocks I cannot. You mention that your blocks only worked for you during the day but I have people to answer to at night. I rarely if ever go to the bookies at night. My roulette playing was done at lunch-time or directly after work when I would lie about being stuck in traffic or working late. Failing that, I would go to the bookies on Saturday afternoon when I was at the football. I gambled in secret and became very good at hiding my addiction. I wouldn't often say to the missus at night that "I am just popping down to the bookies".

Blocks for me aren't just physical acts they are mental as well. I have convinced myself right now that I can't gamble because I am deep in overdraft and don't have the available funds. I could do something about that today if I wanted but I choose not to. I have cut up credit cards if I choose to I could call and ask for another card today but I won't because my gambling is never premeditated. I just get an incredible urge and have to act on it. Today, I can't act on it and this is purely due to my blocks. Without criticising I think your way seems like all or nothing. I am not ready to think rationally about gambling. That will come with time like it did previously. I usually start to think differently about gambling after a few months and then something changes for definite after about 100 days. That is where I am headed and I need my blocks to get me there.

I have learned from experience that I can be on here full of optimism, desire, strength and absolute belief that I won't gamble only for one wrong turn or find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time and wham, bam I am taking money out of the bank and putting it into a machine.

Ref: Some of your previous posts on your diary. Although I don't agree with your idea of gambling a little but not on the bad stuff i.e. random gambling I must admit that I see your point slightly. I have no doubt that if the government banned all roulette machines from bookies today I wouldn't have a problem walking into a bookies tomorrow. Having said that I would rather not put that to the test.

Tomso.

Heard of a death last night which brought home to me again the impact that gambling has had on my relationship with family.

I went from being a well respected, nice genuine guy who would help anyone and would put others before himself to a lying cheating money grabbing selfish b*****d who only cared about getting money for his next fix and didnt care where the money came from and how others were affected by me taking their money under false pretences.

I have family debts lying unpaid since a number of years ago. I do intend paying them in turn but they dont believe that. I cant blame them. If the shoe was on the other foot and I wasnt aware of how this addiction can change someone's behaviour and change their personality at times, I wouldnt believe either.

Its not about the money. The price tag for buying back permanently broken relationships says Not For Sale.

I appeal to any young 20 somethings who see signs of compulsive gambling behaviour to arrest them and take action immediately before its too late. Dont wait 20 years. Compulsive gambling wrecks your life relationships.

Further to hearing about the death I am now even more concerned about the challenge facing me on Monday.

During my 11 weeks of abstinence I have worked all weekdays and off at weekends and followed the same routine. But I am on holiday on Monday and I don't know what to do. All I can think of is a repeat of Sunday with a walk and reading and rubbish tv. Any time I have had days off for years and try to come up with something to do there's never been anything that appealed more than gambling.

Cap,

Sorry to read that you are worried about Monday and how you can fill your time. I would suggest you do something completely different. Go somewhere you have never been. Do something you have never done. Anything. I am struggling with some urges at the moment and I think I just need to keep myself busy.

Tomso.

Thanks Tomso. I dunno if you have heard the phrase 'you're never more alone than when in a crowd' but that's how I feel if I go somewhere new.

I don't have anyone I can meet up with generally, this is my own fault for bad life choices. I have been out for meals, to the cinema and to football matches and gigs on my own, and those occasions have been fine, although none of them have happened very often.

But a lot of the time when I have been out whether locally or further afield I feel out of place for a while if I'm not actually doing anything so the only times that are ok are when doing specific shopping.

On too many occasions I have ended up out somewhere and got bored, frustrated and irritated and ended up going gambling.

You have to have regular things you do and people you spend time with regular. You can't just do nothing most of the time and expect something magical to appear when you have time off work. I need to work harder at getting more regular interests but it's been a viscious circle for years.

On another topic, I was in a bookmakers today and noted that they now have 5 different virtual race meetings of their own running every couple of minutes. this is in addition to the normal SIS ones Think I quit

just in time as there were only 2 of their own 11 weeks ago so I would be losing my money even faster if still gambling now.

Hello Captain

Always followed your thread with interest and some what admired your honesty and perseverance.

Completely get alot of what you say. Despite being one of the hetd in thinking your p*s-sing in the wind in trying the controlled route, yet im not convinced thats not envy on my side.

Thought about one of your previous posts regarding your debt sentence, then did quick maths when you mentioned your controlled gambling allowance. The equasion added up to an early parole in the abstinence route. But im sure you know that! Do get your desire in not burning bridges in some thing you enjoy and the emptiness felt in depriving your self of it.

Sometimes i think we get stuck in our comfort blanket of a rut and it takes a leader of men to break that habit. And you captain i believe is some one id be happy to be in the trenches with.

A lot of rambling randomness there, when all im saying is i wish you every success in your aim.

Strength and honor

Hi Captain,

"On too many occasions I have ended up out somewhere and got bored, frustrated and irritated and ended up going gambling. You have to have regular things you do and people you spend time with regular. You can't just do nothing most of the time and expect something magical to appear when you have time off work."

Yes so true. This is me also. Sometimes I force myself to stay in because if I go out to say see a band or something (which I do very occasionally) I worry that I will get bored and the urge to gamble will come along, especially after a beer or four. Even when I go out with other people, chances are that at the end of the night gambling thoughts may appear.

As a general point and a huge generalisation I think that women are so much better at socialising and maintaining friendships and generally doing social things. I know (or know of) plenty of men who are how shall we put it, very self-contained, in a similar way to what I am.

But I can't think of any women that ive known over the years who are very self-contained in a way that a man can be and its like women with addictions are much more likely to be open about it even when they are troubled souls.

I understand where you are at Captain. Its like when all is said and done, us human beings are social creatures...... too much of doing not very much is not good for the soul.... filling ones voids a big part of recovery.... S.A

Still feel so flat and empty without random gambling. Miss the buzz and miss walking around with a grand in my pocket.

Feel I am in mourning like I have lost a pet or a friend. Can't face replacing that friend. Dunno what I would replace it with anyway. Maybe never can. Know I need to start a new chapter in life but not quite ready. Gambling wasn't taking up a lot of time physically in action over last few years but was dominating my thoughts. Now even if i'm not doing much I need to find other things to think about except regrets and nostalgia.

Long for 4th October, 100 day milestone, feel that will be significant but maybe it won't maybe nothing will change until I'm ready. I still want to be the guy with the buzz inside and a grand of stakes at the ready but that's the old me. The new me may come around sometime in the future but for now I can only stand at the bus stop and let the buses run on past.

Morning captain

Its so hard to fill that time and replace that life we had b4 esp when we knew nothing over than gambling its a big hole to fill which is goin to take time, there are days when that never seems like its goin to happen but what's the alternative to go back fully to that world of permanent misery

Got to keep trying

Castle2

Thanks Castle.

Well today I have got by through some house maintenance tasks, some shopping and a walk. Didn't speak to anyone. No gambling. It's bad enough getting through weekends without having to get through an extra day off as well. After gambling filling so much of my spare time in thought if not in action, it's not so much about finding things to do but filling my head with alternative thoughts. Many Mondays off in the past have been spent doing things to pass the time until visit 1 to the bookies at 1100 but thinking and building up to that gambling and the release of all that has built up inside of me as I placed that first bet. The anticipation, the stress relief, the buzz, the increase in my confidence as a person. Then back home and find more things to do but thinking only of my bets on the afternoon races and counting down time till the off. Then the buzz of watching the horses and anticipating collecting winnings later.

But those days are gone and my thoughts are all going back to replaying memories in my years over 20 years ago before gambling became a problem. Replaying goalscoring and cup final wins and winning races. Living in nostalgia world because gambling world has gone and current world does not yet offer any worthwhile thoughts.

Yo,

Ok I get what your saying . But a question ?

You have always been very honest bout your level of debt caused by gambling .

So surely there were times when you did the walk of shame as Duncs calls it . Sat there at home in a cold sweat trying to work out how to pay your bills , how to to manage . Asking yourself over and over why you were not stronger , to walk away a bit up , or to put yourself through this again.

I remember reading once on a post about we would not let someone physical abuse us , yet through compulsive gambling we do it to ourselves time and time again .

Were there not times like that for you ?

Shiny xx

Hi Shiny - yes absolutely, I have had many days over the years where I have lost everything I had and had to come up with an answer of where to get more money - 20 odd years ago it was a bank overdraft.

The overdraft was going to be a short term thing of course. But as I didn't manage to pay it back and just kept increasing it, an overdraft became a loan, followed by more loans, thousands of pounds of credit card debts, cashing in insurance policies and eventually the worst of

all - the day when I walked out of the bookies knowing I

had no choice but to re-mortgage. It was the only way

to clear a combination of credit card, loan, overdraft

and council tax debt I had accumulated.

I couldn't do anything about the money I had borrowed from family under false pretences or the money I had stolen or the money of my own I had lost over the years of course. It took me a while to realise I couldn't get any of my own money back.

The re-mortgage should have been the wake up call I

needed but that just allowed me to start accumulating

debt again.

That's the summary story of my debt and it was caused by horrendus days in the bookmakers losing a months

salary in a very short space of time gambling on anything that moved.

The thing that still sticks in my throat ( and I know this is probably the same for many compulsive gamblers) is that on about 80 per cent of my visits to the bookmakers I won money - that's why it is so easy to look back with good memories. The fact that on the other 20 per cent of the time I lost all I had, well that's why it has taken me so long to quit random gambling. I felt sure for years that there must be a way of eradicating those occasions. Not to win every time but to be able to accept loss to a limit.

But I couldn't find a way. In all of this I think I differed from the majority who described being say 200 up then walking out later 400 down. This never happened to me. When I was up for the day, after 1 race or 5 races or whatever, whenever I was in profit I walked away happy. But the days where I couldn't find winners I gambled and gambled and gambled until everything I could get my hands on that day was gone.

Yo,

Firstly thank you for your honesty !

Secondly I have pondered your post and at first thought no I did not win 80% of the time . But maybe I did win more than comes to mind . But ultimately lost because I did not stop. 100 up after the first spin a grand two was not enough . I would continue playing .

On the odd occasion I would walk out, only to return an hour two hours first thing the next day . Believing like most compulsive gamblers I was on a lucky streak . Well we all know what happened , lost the lot and more besides .Then the chase begins ...... A chase that strips you bare .

Like you have lost months wages in an afternoon . Like you have had an overdraft, which turned into loans , which turned into stealing money .

But I lost soooooo much more cos in the end it took my sanity , and it has taken years to get that back ( if I totally have)

Gambling in a weird way fore filled a need in me , to escape what ever s***t was going on in my head . But it was a deathly poison with a sweet taste to begin with.

Some times I miss that taste, and my addiction will temp me by trying to remind of the good times ( how it allowed me to escape or money's won) . But I can hold on to the bad times , and that what stops me .

So are we the same you and I ? I do not think I ever walked out having placed one bet cos I was up .

So we are different there . Through our differences though did we not end up at the same place ?

Yes we did .

Shiny xxxxx

No problem re the honesty Shiny!

I agree we have ended up at the same place albeit via some differing routes.

I need to focus on the times I lost everything as a reminder of why I have stopped random gambling. Sometimes it is difficult with so much in the 80% of times winning category and never having lost everything on a weekend day or a holiday from work, only lost everything either during period I tried to be a professional gambler or during working days at lunchtime or after work. So non-working days it is harder to remember why I have stopped as these were either days of winning or days of placing advance bets and losing. But they didnt cause me a problem and didnt put me where I am.

And underlying all of this my real problems - my life choices - had they been better I wouldnt have had the mindset that made my gambling compulsive as I would have continued to gamble as a hobby and as an escape and my obsession of needing to win each time would not have been there.

Yo,

With all due respect ( and I mean that)

I think you missed my point , maybe I did not explain myself well enough .

It's not about putting a pound on the lottery .

It's about keeping well . Who knows what feelings would be ignited if i won, or would it be ok to bet a pound one week and two the next .

I know the damage gambling did to me , do I want to go back to that deep dark place I was in. NO

If there was a a smigen of chance , then why risk it.

Like I said I respect your view , you've come along way in your recovery and most certainly do not need to justifie your choices to me or anyone else .

But I can not agree , but then for me the self harm is still quite raw.

Shiny xxxx