Lifestyle change for the better

This is my first day gamble free
I've had a roller-coaster month and struggled so much with my mind
I gambled a lot of my own money last year on line and stopped before losing everything in my bank (it scared me knocked me sick and the feeling was awful I cant remember how long it took me to forget get over it) however stopped for over a year until last month. I put a few hundred online slots won a couple of hundred went on another site put a thousand or so in won it all back and withdrew I then went on again and hit a jackpot the most money I had ever won ВЈ7500 I then proceeded to put it back in over the night 4am and I had put ВЈ4500 back in lucky won ВЈ5000 and withdrew but then I find myself again at it again the next night put ВЈ1000 in won ВЈ4700 couldn't believe my luck I was now ВЈ11750 up not from previous losses but up I decided ВЈ10000 would be nice to keep and proceeded to spend ВЈ1750!!!!!! How do I rationalise that ill just round that down WHY ???? I kept that ВЈ10000 for 3days before blowing it all in one night on slots the feelings were excruciating ill stop at ВЈ8000,ВЈ5000,ВЈ2000 then thinking no point keeping a few grand!!!!! Its madness anyway I then started on my own money a few days later just ВЈ100 won't harm then turned into ВЈ3000 very luckily I won ВЈ10500 again I withdrew and kept for 4days before I put ВЈ25 back in then ВЈ150 but won a little then a few days later deposited £1500 then won it back but couldn't withdraw cos might win more then I lost n lost playing blackjack which was the reason I lost the previous year but surely I'm wiser now and know more about the skill hahahahahaha
I then put another ВЈ1000 I'm happy to be ВЈ5000 up then another ВЈ1000 I'll stop at ВЈ4000,ВЈ3000,ВЈ2500, ВЈ500,£0
Now I'm so mad at myself how I could do it twice getting the chance to get money back and to keep it but gave it straight back. I've made myself ill not eating sleeping quietly driving myself insane keeping the euphoria of winning and then the devil low of losing to myself and keeping this deep dark secret from my husband he knows I'm not right but in a million years he would never think this I feel. So bad I'm doing this to him he doesn't deserve it he loves me so bad and I can't believe I would /could do this to him. When I won I came so close to telling him and wish I had as I wouldn't have been able to gamble it away again (would I??) however I was scared he would suspect other stuff and find I'd been gambling for years spending our hard earned cash and nothing to show for it so decided against it which I feel was a downfall as may still have the money
Anyway I have tourched myself the last couple days/week what could of been with the money the win has hurt me more than the loss last year which is hard to get my head around as I have not lost my own money I feel its because I keep thinking what could of been for free we are renovating our home and could of done this for free also now talking about a new car again could of treat myself for free but greed takes over and now the greed has got me nothing. It has however learnt me that it was never gunna be enough I can't deal with a 1p loss and spent it all chasing as much as £10 (winnings to add insult to injury) !!! Total madness
I tried to install gamstop at £4000 but wanted checks etc so never done it then I then tried to get back on here but couldn't remember my password until. Today I really would have liked to document the last month to see how I feel now to then because I was in a zombie mode in a gambling abyss.
I couldn't eat sleep lost a stone. I am so unhappy every minute of my day is consumed by thinking about what I could be spending that money on how I could. Treat my husband go on holiday. I was happy before last month I can't wait for the fog and feelings to pass but when they do I hope I remain strong I keep feeling that it was so easy to win i know. It. Is even easier to lose but at my weakest I never think of that.
This is it Day 1 I need to find love in life, friends, everything I did before the hazy month of march
Sorry for the long rambling post but need to write it down