Been a while since I posted, been a tough week for various reasons. Life is just drifting along and whilst I'm not gambling the repayment of debts is holding me back from getting on with my life. Family problems just add to things and really get on top of me. If theres any light at the end of the tunnel it seems a long long way away!
Hi Phil
Can relate totally but we have to carry on because the alternative is not worth even thinking about
Keep going and stay strong cos it's the only way forwards
Suzanne xx
More bad news today in what seems a constant barrage of blows. I can't really complain as most are self inflicted and most are because of my gambling past. Today is the day I either fold and just allow myself to become more consumed in this madness or I fight back. I am now ultimately closer than ever to being sucked back to my old ways, light at the end of the tunnel seems further away than ever. That first bet will take the pain away and make me feel better, it will also open up a pathway to further self destruction of body and mind and all the others around me. I am guilty of just drifting along, I have made changes, but I have not embraced life yet. I have been too obsessed with dreams and fantasies, things that used to be that one big win away. The one big win that was never big enough! The times I walked past a travel agent the morning after a big win. Why didn't I stop and pay for a dream holiday? Instead I walked straight into the bookies and gave them back every penny.
I have to make changes to my life or I know where I will end up. Rather than wallowing in my self inflicted debt mountain and feeling restricted by my lack of money I need to embrace what is out there. At the moment most of my time is spent in work or just in the house feeling down about my problems. I really lack motivation at the moment and this is something that I need to change. I have made a long list of problems I have and solutions, I need to focus on making changes and embracing life and feeling better about myself. I need to be a better person, gamblings impact on my life so far continues to destroy me and its time for me to let it ruin me or to fight back and make long lasting changes. I have to fight, I have wasted too much of my life, its got to get better than this!
Hi Phil
I know what you are saying I. Feel that my life is on hold at the moment because we have no spare cash to live life as we want to
It's all work paying debts off and no money for any recreation
It will get better as long as we don't give in cos then we will be in a worse mess than we are now
Day by day we will be rewarded with small changes that will grow into bigger rewards
Keep strong focused and keep going the light will soon be there as long as we abstain and maintain
Keep fighting.
Take care Suzanne x
Thanks Suzanne, it is tough at the moment, money is now even tighter than since I stopped gambling. I feel so restricted. I need to stay focussed and as long as I have a small amount left to go to a few footy matches or rugby matches and have a few beers I will be ok. Have written a personal list of issues I have and solutions which I will review every week and see how I could have done better. I have decided to not be as strict on my diet and to get more exercise, I have been far too much of a couch potato lately. I want to join the gym, but I am wary of this because in the past I have joined and wasted a years money by rarely going. So I have set myself a target to exercise every day and if I keep it up till Septembers payday then I will join a gym. Its another bill, but the benefits to body and mind outweigh the expense. Yesterday and todays exercise was a long walk, I have clocked up 11 miles in two days and need to keep it up. I also need to look into more clubs and ideas for exercise.
I have to admit I do feel like doing a football coupon tonight. I have got this thing in my head (its only 20 quid and I could win 200 and do x, y and z). I have to stay strong and beat this, gambling will only make my life even harder, there is only one way out of my hole and its by staying clean. I have reached the point now where I'm not thinking about the days I have managed to stay clean. I never thought I would get this far, but here I am. I am now more focussed on the daily battle of beating my addiction, just have to take it a day at a time.
Its true what they say about exercise because I do feel a lot better after my long walk today. No bets today!!!!
Phil
It will get better the more days you put in
As the debts goes down monthly it does make you stronger and makes you realise as delboygolf says how stupid was I
Feeling restricted won't be forever I realise that now and so will you
Sit tight ride the days each day makes you stronger and more in control
That 20 would lead to 100s you know that and think what you can buy with 20 an awful lot now because we are budgeting
Set your target as abstaining one day at a time to a happier and much healthier future it will come sooner than you think
Don't be fooled into that one 20
WIN in instead by abstaining
You are doing great
Suzanne xx
Hi Phil
Sorry for the long silence (I have sent you a PM) - life is just very busy at the moment, which is good for me, but things do get neglected. Sorry to read that you are going through a tough time at the moment but don't despair - you are a fantastic person with so much to offer, and receive, from life.
I think you are wise to concentrate on the exercise and not to beat yourself up too much about the diet. Have you tried swimming? After walking I think that's the best type of exercise - uses all your muscles without too much strain, and also allows your mind to relax.
It must be so hard for you - working your socks off and seeing not much left of your salary after debt repayment, but you have come such a long way. I remember your mentioning your uncle some time back - keep to that path and things will slowly get better I am sure of that.
I'll admit that tonight I have been thinking along those same lines - just a few goes on the old slots and perhaps I can win a nice sum to put in the bank. I think we allow ourselves these thoughts as a kind of self-flagellation - to test ourselves and to punish ourselves. But come on - we are made of sterner stuff and know deep down that we would be really beating ourselves up if we were to succumb.
Keep going Phil - you can never know what happiness awaits you round the corner, and I am sure that soon you will feel more positive and brighter.
Take care,
Joanna x
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