My diary

I gambled again today. I put £190 in (only had 216 in my account not including a couple pending DD. Money which I only just earnt doing extra work all day yesterday to see us through) and have just put in a withdrawal request for £400. It was for £550 in the early hours then dwindled down to £150, then a miracle, back up to £530 - and I still put £130 back in.

So I've made the withdrawal and I'm not touching it again. But I'm sitting here I tears because I gambled. Broke my promise to OH and after he has finally deleted his accounts. Feel like such a hipocrit.

I hate this addiction. Out of all the bad habits I have had in my life this one is the worst!

If I ever beat this it really will be a miracle.

Thanks for your message red, be it on an oldthread lol,

Listen if at first we don't succeed we try and try again.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going forwards, you can do this.

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xx

Day 1 again. That's a positive and sticking swith recording my progress at least once a day. Woke up worrying about gambling so it's definitely day 1.

Back to basics

Feeling positive right now. Focusing on getting by each day is something to ground me and measure my success x

Day 2

Still thinking about gambling and money an excessive amount. Doesn't mean anything, just that I need to work on redefining my attention on more healthy and positive things and that it's going to take time. But each day gf free is another day towards a life I can fully enjoy and be proud of

Planning rewards 🙂

вњ… Day 1 complete - fry up for breakfast

вњ… 1 week - latte at work 🙂 and out to dinner with OH

вњ… Payday - make up XD + beautician app

2 weeks - new gym membership

3 weeks - evening out with OH and friends, fun, food and festivities (also return the favour to OH last time we went out) x

1 month (just imagine!!!) - Make hair appointment, finally have my hair done x

The rewards seem excessive but this is what my life used to be like. I could afford to do these things and it made me very happy. Want to be that happy person again, especially for my OH who sees how unhappy a person I am.

Day 3

Still dreaming about gambling and waking up fretting. But it's Monday again, OH is back to work and I've got house work to do!! 🙂

I just want this money to clear so I can close the account and move forward!!! Ugggrrrr!!

Feel restless, tired and annoyed this eve. If I had access to any funds this is the type of mood which would make me vulnerable to the - 'oh so what!' Attitude - self destruct.

Its something i realise I do to feel like I'm gaining back control (of course it's anything but!)

Need to breath, relax and let the feeling pass. Staying strong and not giving up on giving up

I haven't gambled for 4 days! 🙂

But still waiting on this bl**dy money to clear! 🙁 Talk about a constant reminder and added stress!

But the positive - got up this morning and started cleaning and sorting with enthusiasm!

Day 5

Still waiting on money to clear and in the meantime living on the bare minimum. If this isn't reminder enough of the stress of gambling I don't know what is! Day 5 and absolutely no urges to gamble.

Day 6

Money came through and immediately paid credit cards. Treated OH to takeaway. Feeling strong and positive, lots to do today and no urges.

just popped by as u had been on my diary - had a good old read on your diary - understand all those ffeelings you have had - really hope to check in tomorrow and that you are still gamble free - i am 198 days and i very nearly gambled half hour ago but i came on here instead - seriously take it one day at a time - or break it down smaller to an hour etc Seriously i am annoyed as i enjoyed gambling before it became an addiction and i am annoyed that i wont be able to do it again - i know its worth abstaining. The first month or 2 are the worst but after that i really noticed a difference in my finances and you will too - good luck xxx we r in it together

Morning

Just checking in to see if you got to day 7 like i said i would last night - thanks for dropping by again - i did resist hope you did too 🙂 xxx

I did indeed resist 🙂

Day 7 - 1 week! Nothing exciting planned this wkend but not leaving myself with idle hands in case the urge creeps in. Got lots of house work, box sets and getting ready for work next week to achieve!! Bring on payday and next reward.