My Diary!

Hi Phil,

Very pleased to see you are back (for the right reasons of course)!

Deighted that you made it to New York. Really hope you can stay strong and an encore next year perhaps!

Best,

Mark,

Hi ya stranger, :))

sooo pleased you made New York and had a fab time my friend.

Look forward to reading your continuing journey.

Suzanne xxx

Big thanks for all the positive replies to my new post. I guess I made the right choice when I came back here. Its day 14 and pay day, I self excluded from my one remaining online account last night so thats me banned from every online sportsbook going. I feel pretty good today, no urges and I just want to leave my wages safely in the bank, held safely of course by my mum. I'm off work today and recently I have found that on days off the urges are strongest as I get really bored, I'm glad to say so far so good today.

I've been here a while now and at times made progress and at others slipped up. I need to keep fighting and believe I can beat this. Its not so long ago that the old me was waking up on a payday in a miserable relationship, with huge debts on my mind 24-7 and my wages in my bank account ready to be smashed in. I would wake up full of excitement, log straight on to my laptop and start studying the form. At 1045 I would head to the bookies to take in the morning dogs and I would stay in the bookies all day until they close at 930 or until I had blown a months wage. The very few times I made it to 930 I would go to sleep excited about the punting opportunities the following day. I never ever made it to 930 on day 2, for 17 years of gambling my wages never lasted more than a day or 2. A whole months work to be wasted in a bookies. It stopped hurting, subconscously I knew it would happen and expected it to happen, but it still didn't stop me going back. I was programmed to follow the same pattern, payday full of excitement about gambling opportunities, rush when I win, pain of chasing my losses and then the sinking feeling when I've spent all my money. So fast forward 2 years on and I have had plenty of slips and pain, but I'm not in that miserable relationship, I don't blow all my wages on payday and my debts are a lot better and I don't have sleepless nights or constant stress about them. So things are better, I'm still a work in progress and have a lot of faults but I need to focus on the positive.

So its payday today and I won't be gambling, I'm back on this great site and I'm going to use this diary to help me along. No bets today!

Thanks for your message Phil,

Am really pleased to see you back here and in such a positive frame of mind.

Suzanne xxx

Bornagain. Good to see you again fella. You make a point that is true to me - 'a work in progress'. I'm far from the completed article but hell yes I've made progress. I appreciate how gambling affects me and others around me - I was totally oblivious to this before. I've just got rid of my debt - that was significant when I've started this journey. I've realised I need barriers as I will try to gamble again but if I make that as difficult as possible it really reduces the risk - I thought I could just do this with willpower and common sense at the start. I've given up on the dream win to cure everything - that was my aim all the time in the past. I could go on but they are just examples. Work in progress is so true but the progress is there to see and for some it comes really fast but for me it's been small steps each time and with each relapse. Keep the faith.

Thank Phil,

​Good to see you back. I think different meetings will work out quite well for you. Lots of different perspectives. You will probably find some you like and some you don't but as long as you go there with an open mind and a willingness to listen then I'm sure you will find the benefits. Give it time and don't expect miracles and you may just find one

​

Day 15 and my thoughts this morning are about what made me gamble. As a child I loved days at the races with my dad, we would go to Chester and Aintree on National day. I used to love the fact that if he won he would give me money or I would win and have extra pocket money. I remember one occasion when I bought a Italia 90 World Cup sticker book and loads of stickers following a night at Chester races. Things like that made me happy as a child, I was a huge collector of football programs and football magazines. Infact even before I had been to the races I can remember loving Grand National day and the buzz I got when I picked the winner and won some money. As I got a little older I can remember finding out a school friend went to the races and then often meeting him there from the age of about 14. I can remember my first 5 pound bet, it seemed like such a large amount of money to a 14 year old and I put it on at Chester and the horse won. I was with two school pals that day and they were putting 1 pound bets on and were shocked I had put a fiver on, I felt so good when that horse won. Aged about 15/16 I went into a bookies for the first time with a friend, I can remember my first four bets won, I was only putting a pound on a race but it was such a buzz. Few weeks later I again went into a bookies with a pal and won again. At that point in time I had no interest in betting big money infact I was going to as many Tranmere games as possible and I remember picking an away day to Bradford over a trip to Chester races. I did however go to the bookies prior to getting on the coach and I stuck a 50p treble on two big outsiders and a favourite. When I got home that night my dad told me all three had won, I had forgotten about the bet. I had won 180 pounds and it was a great buzz to me to tell my friends about my bet, maybe more of a buzz than the actual money. I didn't gamble the money, I went shopping and put the rest in the bank. I was actually a good saver back then, I did part time weekend work and always had plenty of money.

I think my problem started in the school holidays after I had done my GCSE's. I was 16 and had a couple of months to kill until I began sixth form college. I would often go on nights out on a Friday and Saturday but the rest of the week was pretty boring. So one day I walked up to the local bookies alone and spent a couple of hours putting very small bets on, maybe 1-2 pound bets. Very quickly this became a regular occurence and I would go up with a fiver or tenner in hand. One event that springs to mind where I think my problem had become worse was a party a friend had arranged on a Saturday night. It started at 9 and I had placed a dogs bet that was looking like a big win for me, I needed the last two dogs to come in the first two to win big. So rather than go to the party I chose to stay at home and watch the teletext on the tv because thats where I could find out if my dogs would come in. Teletext over a party with my mates!!!!! How sad was I. The bet actually came in and I won 800 pounds, however when I went to pick up the winnings they refused to pay out as I hadn't filled the slip out correctly. I was so angry I wanted to go back in the night and smash the shops windows! Gradually over that summer hols I spent more and more time in the bookies and I got into playing fruit machines more than betting on horses.

The next big impact on my life was losing my sister in the first week of my new sixth form college. I can't blame this for making me gamble as I was already an addict. When I went back to college after a week off I pushed everyone away, I had missed the time friendship groups were formed and I felt anyone being nice to me just felt sorry for me. Most of my close friends had stayed on in my old school and I had gone somewhere new. I had become distant from them because of my gambling during the summer hols and I was also ashamed about having and losing my drug addict sister so speaking to and seeing them in my time of need wasn't something I felt comfortable doing. So for the next 2 years I shut myself away, I became a loner and spent every lunch break in the bookies over the road from my sixth form college. Those two years were horrific, I was so alone and so miserable. On my 16th birthday I received 2 grand from a policy my mum took out for me and it was in my bank untouched to use on a hol or maybe to buy my first car. However I was now spending my wages from my part time job faster and faster and if I had no money for my lunchtime bet I would draw 20 out the bank. Over the weeks I was spending more and more and all my life consisted of was college, part time work and then fruit machines till I had no money left. Eventually my mum realised I no longer did anything, I had no nights out and I had stopped going to as many football matches, she confronted me and I had to admit I had spent all of the 2 grand she gave me and I had a problem with fruit machines. I promised I would stop playing them and just do horse bets. I actually did give up on the fruit machines but I kept going to bookies on my breaks in college and I used to look at a guy I got to know who would put huge bets on and think to myself I want to be like him. I can remember my first 100 pound bet was on Boxing Day aged 17, my old school friend who I used to go to the races with happened to call into the bookies and I felt so big when I showed him my winning slip. I had won 350 pounds and it seemed so easy, maybe I could do better at this game if I was more selective I said to myself!

Few months later I met this friend again with a couple of other old school friends and we went to Aintree for the National. I had a nightmare of a day and lost all my money. I remember my so called friend making fun of me because he could quite clearly see I had a problem. He didn't realise I could hear him but I could and this made me feel pretty bad. I was in denial, but deep down I knew I had a problem and I hated life.

So thats part of my story, the early years of my gambling life. Still unsure what made me gamble and why got into things so bad. It has destroyed the last 19 years of my life and I need to accept my problems and find a way to live with addiction and defeat it when the urges come calling. I'm off to work now and won't be gambling today.

Day 16 and a day off work. Days off work usually bring urges, urges that are hard to cope with and must stem from boredom. I don't have access to any of my money and I'm self excluded so that will keep me safe today. I also don't want to gamble today, there are no urges pushing and pulling me today. I think I need to stop thinking about money or my lack of it, as when I do this makes me want to gamble for the quick fix win that never comes. I'm spending today looking for a car, its been too long for me without one. Had I not been a gambler I could have had any car I wanted, however I chose to gamble and I can't turn the clock back. So I will be buying a cheap run around and in a years time I will be better placed to afford something a little more stylish. I'm also going out for an Indian meal tonight and a few drinks which will be nice.

No bets for me tooday!

Day 17 and back in work today and tomorrow before a run of three days off. I bought my new car this morning and that will really help me out. I've been so badly hampered by having no car and I will now have a lot more freedom. Now its up to me to stay on track with my recovery and ensure more good things happen to me.

I'm not feeling any urges right now which is good and my mind is really positive. Got to keep working on myself and accepting my addiction and living with it and keeping myself out of trouble. No bets today!

Thanks for the message GT. I can see how the car opens up a whole load more opportunites to gamble but the truth is if I want a bet I would always jump on a bus or get a taxi. If I keep my money safely under my mums control and I keep self excluded and keep using this diary and attending GA then I can live with this addiction and stay safe. The car will however enable me to join a gym and get a few rounds of golf in and also allow me to get to GA more easily, especially when coming home from meetings late at night can be a drag on the bus.

Day 18 and I feel like I'm coming down with something, fortunately after today I have three days off work. I'm currently in one of my good spells where I find it very easy to refrain from gambling, I have no urges and I can see things clearly. However I need to use these times to plan how I will manage when things get more cloudy and urges start to fester.

No bets today!

Hi Bornagain,

Glad to see you back.

Just want to drop in and say that there is a GA meeting every day of the week on Merseyside (I think you've said you are a Rovers fan so assume you are still in the Region). Each meeting is slightly different but follows the same principles. Why don't you get around the rooms and see which works best for you? A warm welcome awaits you in every one...I promise you.

Phil

Fella I am glad to see you back and in a good frame of mind.

Regards everything you do, try to make measured decisions, I have found pre planning helps a great deal living in recovery.

As for the car,fella enjoy the freedom, look at it in the positive light it should bring, my friend for more than twenty years I drank from a glass half empty, I could turn even the most positive thing into a pile of negativity.

Today my glass is half full, taking the positive from every situation is enlightening, I am not happy clappy but I really can turn every situation into something which has a positive impact on my life.

GA without doubt saved my life, the fellas in that room had walked in my shoes and simply passed on freely their experiences to gift me the opportunity to make and meet with change.

Life without gambling for us the compulsive gambler is one wholly worth living.

Take the opportunity to enjoy it

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the post Duncs, I left one back on your diary. Also thanks Gary, I will indeed be heading to one of the many local GA meetings. Sadly due to my rota I won't be able to attend the one that works for me as I'm off different days each week. My aim is to make sure I attend at least one meeting a week (its a shame there aren't any morning meetings as these would work so much better for me).

Day 19 and for the next three days I have the bliss of no work. I feel pretty good, quite at ease with myself. This is because have no urges and I have no stresses getting me down. For many years as a gambler the constant worry of debts and planning the next big win to get out of debt took over my mind. So to chill out today and not have dark thoughts on my mind is great and I hope for many more days like this.

No bets for me today!

A new car Phil, 20 days of winning, and a couple of days off,:)))

Good to read your diary again on a daily basis, keep winning, keep smiling, and keep positive.

Suzanne xxx