Hello gamcare, seems strange to be back but I'm looking forward to another journey, one I hope leads to recovery - permanent recovery and not just temporary relief.
I have been on this site for years and really been trying to stop gambling for I guess the last 4 years. I made a 2 year run and life was so much better, my relationship with my wife was better, had time for my daughter, my family, my head was clearer and the debts while still there had come down significantly. But I returned to gambling, it was meant to be a temporary break from my troubles - why I thought I could dip in and out and have control I just don't know. I AM AN ADDICT! I have no control so I built the debt right back up, I carried so many lies and became distant and frustrated with everyone and everything.
I have lied to my wife for almost a year and gambled a very large amount in 2018 and the 2 years of hard work have just disappeared, trust gone, debt back up.
That's why I'm here, I need to do everything I can to stop and stay stopped. I believe I can stop but right now I don't trust myself to stay off it forever even though I know my wife will leave me and I won't get to see my daughter everyday. When I think about that I think how crazy I am and also how strong the addiction is because its so true I am so lucky my wife has stuck by me and to be honest I'm still very close to be out on my ear, this has obviously hit her hard so if I were to betray her once more it would be over but I can't say for sure I won't gamble. It's crazy because I can tell you I love my wife and we have been together 12 years. My daughter means everything to me. So for me to not come home to my family everyday I just don't know what I'd do - I have a good idea and both my sceneries don't look to pretty. So with all that in mind why can't I just stop gambling?
I suppose I can, I know I can do a day gamble free and if I can do a day I can do 2, 3, 1 month, 1 year, 1 decade etc. One day at a time and never get complacent. I have a few things I'll be doing - everyday writing n my calender I will not gamble and I did not gamble. Self exclusions, mobile phone blocks and other barriers put in place. I just have to keep doing those things, year on year - the old saying if it isn't broke don't fix it, keep the determination, the mindset everything focused on not gambling.
I know I'll be happier stepping away from gambling. I can be a better husband, Dad, a better person all round and its the only way I'll be able to enjoy life. I have a lot going for me and I'm luckier than most. I just need to realise it and also except the situation, yes I could be In a better spot but I'm not and whatever has happened has lead me here and aslong as this truly is my last diary and it's a successfull journey then I'll be back in control and living with my beautiful wife and my wonderful little girl.
That's all I really want; to keep my family, I just keep chasing money, as I think I hate to lose, I hate knowing the bookies have beaten me. Beaten is not the word, utterly battered is still to tame. But I must move on, life is to short and I've wasted enogh of it already. Its time to start living. It'll take a while for me to get my head around everything and a long while for my wife to do the same and then even longer to re build the trust. But it can and will be done.
Day 9 for me, the numbers only going up. I'll add a little more tomorrow, maybe set some goals but for now I need some sleep.
Thanks gamcare and all its users old and new.
D
You wouldn't belief I wrote such a long post with all my goals on it and I bloody pressed the wrong button and deleted it. I will re tyoe and try again
So here we go again...
So I mentioned yesterday about goals that I have.
Firstly the amount of days gamble free...
1 month
50 days
2 months
3 months
100 days
Those are some immediate goals to keep me focused. I have some longer term, larger numbers also...
800 days
900 days
1000 days
These will all be personal bests and to be part of the 4 figure club, that's a group I want to belong to.
I also have some different goals/tasks...
To limit my access to money by bring down credit card limits
Set up a financial plan to bring debts down and understand how I will be paying for things month to month, day to day
Recieve and keep bank and credit card statements to show no gambling activity (I also have access to all my accounts via apps/Internet so can always show my spend to wife/family etc)
Use my wall planner, everyday write - morning "I will not gamble today", evening "I did not gamble today"
Keep posting on my diary and checking in on the 2019 challenge thread
Make more time for my wife - be Mr and Mrs not just mummy and daddy
See friends and family more, break the same routines I've had in the past (if nothing changes, nothing changes)
So there we have a few goals and tasks to keep me busy and on the right path. I know how to stop, I know how to get the debt down and how to improve my life, its just a matter of sticking with it and never get complacent.
Been a busy boy today and yesterday. Self excluded from all shops around my work and home. I have gamban on my phone. So the options to gamble are really limited. I have also reduced my limits on my credit cards so I don't have as much access to funds. I have also got a folder ready and will be inserting bank statements as and when they arrive. They're will be no hiding place, I can't gamble and if I somehow manage it I will be "found out".
I think with what I have in place I'll be focused and determined and I will not gamble. I believe what I've learnt is I know how to stop and I was thinking why do I go back - because I stop doing what works, complacency kicks in, well this time I will keep all barriers in place and I will never go back. I will hit my goals and more. I will have a loving family and a great future. I may have regrets but I am where I am and I must accept it and make my future and my families the best it can be.
Day 13. Had a great day yesterday. Spoke to my brother think we'll be meeting up soon. Had a great chat with my mum and dad and then a really nice evening with wife and daughter. Went out for dinner and had a really great night. Ended up cuddled up on the sofa watching TV. Was really nice and felt like the old connection me and my wife had. I really hope we can get it back and become husband and wife again aswell as mummy and daddy because even without the gambling are relationship had changed so much and I admit I took her fo granted and stop making the efforts I once did but I think being away from gambling and the stresses that brings will certainly help there, I'm excited for this year.
I also read a fair bit on this site yesterday and that felt good and I could feel the old drive to quit that I had before and just let slip away, its coming back. NO COMPLIANCY. That's the problem after 6 months, a year or more I stop doing the correct things, post on here less, let exclusions run out etc. Not this time, this has to be the last diary, the last day, I must never go back.
You sound so focused dd, you will do it, wish you all the luck, stick with it x
Day 16. Thanks Mary.
Haven't posted everyday but have been on everyday reading diaries. I'm going through old diaries and it's strange reading old thoughts and having flash backs to those moments, some good, some bad. What was really nice was remembering old friends - Castle, Flagg, Charlotte, blondie, sunshine, Lmm, GT/NT, SA, Ricky, carlw, Curly, Ex-gambler Jeff and plenty more and I'm sure a Sandra but haven't come across her posts just yet, strange how I remember the names so well, it shows the support meant so much. I miss that connection and support I had. I'd love to get back on here and dive in like I did in years past. I really did love being so active on here but with work so mad and a wife and daughter it just won't be possible but who knows hopefully I'll make some connections and get back on here more.
Going back to the old friends most are off here now and I really hope they are all enjoying a gamble free life. I'd love to here from them but only if it means there coming back saying I'm still gamble free and life is great.
Right I'm off to bed. Nite gamcare.
Day 17. No gambling. No urges - I was busy today, I've been busy the past week and will be busy for the whole of Feb so that will help the urges but I can't wait for March, Feb is going to be very tiring.
Day 23. Haven't posted for a few days but have been on the site everyday re reading all my old diaries. Scary really how long I have been on here. Reading old stories and old thoughts, in some ways the thoughts have changed and in many ways there just the same. I've copied some posts that I may post on this diary. I'm gonna re read them and see if there worth having as reminders of my journey on here.
D,
Just read your posts. Great reading. You come across very determined and positive for a better future. Great stuff. Keep up the good work.
Tomso
Thanks tomso. Day 26. I will not gamble today!
Day 27 I will not gamble today
Day 28. I will not gamble to day
Day 29. I will not gamble today!
Great work D.
Tomorrow is day 30, so keep up the good work and pushing forward.
CJ.
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