My Diary

Thank you CJ. Day 31. 1 month gamble free. I can do this. Today I will not gamble.

D,

You’re a trooper. Your doing this. 31 days GF is a nice achievement.

Keep going, keep getting better.

Have a lovely weekend.

Tomso

Not sure how this going to come out but I've copied a few posts from older diaries I've highlighted them in different colours to show they were different posts. The posts are not in any order as I have read all my old diaries now but not in order - I left one old one till last as it had a lot of posts to get through. Was very interesting reading, very scary at times but I definitely learnt a few things. I know, I know how to stop and how to stay stopped for a respectable amount of time but I think the reason I go back is that I get complacent. I have this addiction really bad, I've seen that in the diaries, my thoughts and actions over the past year and also my thoughts I have right now. I hate to say it but I don't think anything in my life means enough to me to make me stop gambling and I say that knowing I love my family, would do anything for them and not to get to dramatic but I'd die for them, no doubt in my mind but I'd still risk losing them to have a bet. Sounds insane, something no one can understand - unless your a fellow addict.

But with that said I don't want to lose my family, I don't want gambling to define my life so I must stay stopped and I think I can. I just have to always, everyday, write I will not gamble today, I must limit access to money, blocks on phone, paper statements and any other blocks I have in place must always remain in place, probably for the rest of my life. That kinda sucks and isn't a pleasant thought but it's my reality and if the alternative is to lose my family and gamble my whole life away its a small price to pay.

So anyway I mentioned some old posts I'll post them below just thought they may help to read through, most don't show me at my best but I probably need that especially in this early stage of recovery.

1) Hello Diary – Been a while. Ive been neglecting my diary, neglecting my wife, myself, my work, everything. I have snapped myself back a little and have made some positive steps which I'll mention later but I need to get on here how I was feeling, I wish I had done this when I was down as it wouldve been more real but I need to get this down as a reminder of what ive been through on this journey. Its really been the last few months where ive just started caring less about things, debts are only getting worse yet I seem to be working harder than ever. My life is work go home sleep, work go home sleep. Barely see my wife, very, very rarely see friends and family. My own fault, we have no money because of my gambling (not all our debt is gambling related but the majority is) I felt like I didn't deserve anything so I've been using any spare money to pay off debt ive been doing that for the last 2 yeaars really, I think that's what has lead to my slips and certainly to my 2 major slips, I just couldn't handle all the stress and money worries and working so much and having nothing to show for it. This time tho I didn't slip back to gambling as I knew that was not the answer but I didn't get any help or try to look at what was going on and could I maybe help the situation. I just got depressed, I do use that term loosely as I havent been to the docs or anything – almost did but I have to be on my death bed before I go to the docs and I just didn't want to really go there and say oh im depressed give me some pills I wanted to try to sort myself out. (I will say I did make the decision to go to the docs and inquire about wether some sort of meds or treatment may help as I was very low but im feeling a bit more positive now so don't think I need to – think I was just really feeling sorry for myself a bit to much). I started to really hate my life and I will say this here as I havent said it to anyone else but I have realised that talking and sharing really does help (that's why im now feeling a lot better I spoke to a friend of mine in depth about everything and that really helped) also before I say want im going to say im not saying this for attention and I would never actually do this and never have tried as I would hate to leave my wife and family in all this mess but I have thought about killing myself, infact ive thought about it everyday for quite a while now. As ive said I never would do it but just keept thinking how great would it be if I just cut my throat, no more stress, no more debt, no more worries, my head finally clear. Me and my wife rowed one morning before I went to work and when I got back I just told her I said im sorry but I just have to be honest at the minute im just miserable and I hate my life. I said I still love her and I know that im luckier than most with the life I do have and some of the things I have got but that's just how I feel. She didn't really know what to say to that but I'll just say we are ok now.

Thats really when i knew i needed to sort myself out, telling your wife you hate your life when she's done nothing wrong is bloody wrong. It made me think well do i want to be married anymore or do i want to just chuck everything away, my wife, where i live, just go and lose it all, probably end up in some bedsit alone somewhere and start gambling all over again. I didnt want that, i know i love my wife, i have a good family and good friends. I rent a nice house and have a job i like, I AM BLOODY LUCKY!! Ok i dont exactly feel very lucky right now but it could be a whole lot worse and my debts are sky high but they could be worse to and more importantly there is a way out. Ive not seen the light at the end of the tunnell for a while but i know it is there. If i stand up and face my problems and dont hide away i can make the right decisions, get a plan together and sort my life out, yes its a bit of a struggle of course it is and its only right that it is a struggle but the years go fast and i'll soon be before i know it in a cracking position. If i stay off gambling the debts will eventually disappear and then hello disposible income! Lol. The chat i had with my friend really helped me see the dark path i was walking on and he helped me snap out of it, gave me some suggestions and the biggest one which i hope i can follow is keep a bit back for us – me and the mrs. Dont use all my moeny to pay off debt, if not i will be working for nothing again and it'll only lead to another gambling relapse and another low in my mental well being. So i wont keep back a lot but it would be so nice to take my wife for a meal or see a film now and again. I didnt really realise that it has probably been a couple of years since weve seen a film at the cinema and im not sure if ive took out my wife for a meal since weve been married other than special occassions, certainly not enough times anyway. So i will be trying to budget better now and i have to get a plan of attack in place, i have made a couple of moves already, moving some finances about and making payment plans. Which is why im starting to feel a bit more upbeat. Ive got some things off my chest and made some positive moves. The decisions ive made aswell will give me a clearer idea of when i can probably get the debt paid off. As im finally looking at things like an adult and facing my responsibillities. I just need to keep it that way. Ive said 2014 could be a big year for me and it could well be a great one.

I have a few goals for the new year, one is to be gamble free for the whole year, no more messing about with this, I've said it before sure but i can only try and each time i try a little harder and sooner or later i will get there, this could be the year, i certainly hope so and will be giving it my all. Ive already started but i need to sort my finances. I plan to have a real look into them and budget accordingly. I dont want to borrow any money this year my debts are going one way – down. I will set up standing orders, direct debits etc and will make sure i can survive with the plan i put into place. I have a night off tomrrow and my wifes at work so i hope to make use of the time and look at bank statements and really get into what comes in and what goes out. I think i need to use this diary more, im not saying im going to be back posting like i have done in the past, im still probably gonna take a step back but i will, for now try to make it on here daily. To help with that i shall do a daily count once more, during my successful periods of abstinence its almost always had a running count being kepted along the way, so why not go back to what works for me. When i said tho i need to use my diary its for posts like this. I may end up taking a step away as i have done of late not posting all that much which has sorta worked as im not gambling but havent exactly been enjoying that time but what i need to rememeber is that this diary is here for those times when i am down, when i am low to get some of the stuff out and dont end up bottle everything up, i dont like sharing with friends and certainly not with my wife or family as one its my fault and i want to sort it and two i dont want them to be worrying aswell. So if i get it out on here that will help, its helped in the past and i have to remeber what a great tool this is.

Now that my fingers are getting tired, i thank you gamcare for giving me this outlet, i wont forget that you are here next time things get rough. Thank you for listening.

So to finish (finally!) its the tenth today, will start the count from the first, new year, my first one gamble free!!! So Day 10. Lets get this show BACK on the road.

2) So it's now day 17 but gonna have to add some brackets in. Day 17 (ВЈ7 spent on gambling). I'm not going to start the count again as although when I done the bet later on I felt awful and I felt really bad today (I bet yesterday) I now feel good that I feel so terrible and am so gutted about that bet even tho it's only £7, to me it shows I've come along way. I know that I really want this. Yes I've slipped but I know now that any bet however big or small makes me feel terrible and it just isn't worth feeling this way.
So to describe what happened I got a text from my bro-in-law asking me to put a ВЈ3 bet on and as I'm self excluded from all bookies (a fact that he doesn't know) I thought of how could I do it - I should've got a friend to put it on for me or just said I couldn't do it - but what I did was try a few of my online accounts - I'm excluded from loads and any that have ran out would have limits on as I did limits and self exclusions but I found a site that I wasn't excluded from and had a ВЈ10 deposit limit on it. Now you can't just deposit ВЈ3 and this site had a ВЈ10 minimum deposit so I deposited my ВЈ10 and I already joked with him that I should have a quid on with him (the bet was ВЈ1 for him and a ВЈ1 for 2 of his mates so me having a ВЈ1 on it was us all having a quid on it) so I put ВЈ4 on the bet and that left ВЈ6 and with my gambling head on I thought why withdraw that ВЈ6 (they're maybe a minimum withdrawal aswell I'm not sure) but anyway I chucked that ВЈ6 on some golf bets. And all those gambling juices were now flowing. It was so wierd it was like I was back and my head was now clouded and I could feel myself changing and I regretted it and later on in the day I felt awful. I had given up the chance to have a gamble free calander year and I'm now going to be removed from the year long thread and I just felt so empty. I'm gutted I did it and this morning I looked at basketball odds even tho I was regretting it I couldn't help it and if it wasnt for my self exclusions and the fact that I had no way of getting a bet on I think I may have had another bet and it would've been a lot more than ВЈ6!! It just goes to show that however much you want this that if you show any weakness it'll pounce on you. I'm just lucky I had those exclusions in place and I didn't go out of my way to get that bet on. I feel that, that £7 has taught me a great lesson even tho I should have already learnt it by now. But I'm glad that i feel so bad about it and I'm glad I have been honest on here and not just tried to hide it. If I'm not honest on here what's the point, it would mean I could spend some more and lie about that to, no, honesty is the way.
So what next. I keep going, keep trying and if I say day 365 (£7 spent) then that'll do me. It's gonna be a tough year. Will see how it goes, I'm not puting to much pressure on myself. I have never had a bet free Cheltenham and I have been giving up gambling for probably 5 years yet I have never got through those 4 days, so that's gonna be a massive hurdle and would be a massive achievement if I could stay gamble free beyond march. Time will tell. One day at a time.

3) I have decided to start a new diary as the old one I think has run its course and I feel It's time to start again, a new chapter.

I will start off by putting some things here that will be reminders of why I'm quitting and hopefully things that I can come on here and read during an urge and let that urge drift away as I remind myself that it just aint worth it!

I plan to take a second out and read through this opening post whenever an urge does strike and hopefully the words I put down here will help to make me resist that temptation.

A few thoughts to stop me gambling........

Remember when your mum was in hospital and while you were waiting for visiting hours you were in the bookies, losing of course and had to stay just so you could try and get some of it back. Ok I remember you got there on time but where were the flowers, chocolates and gifts you planned to take with you? No time/No money.

On my way to a stag due I popped in the bookies for a little gamble, just to get some drinking money. Ended up being an hour late with several missed calls from my mates wondering where I was.

Missed out on so many nights out – lost too much gambling so couldn't possible go out and spend more. Money for gambling anytime anywhere but never for anything fun or important.

Never take my wife out for the same reasons. Can bet a £100 with ease but can't take the mrs out for a meal. I promised her the best life I could give her – that promise is not being for-filled.

Again on the same lines my brother has a new tv now planning for the new xbox. I have an old school big bulky tv and a nintendo wii. I will get my brothers old xbox as I can not afford the new one – I have spent 6 new xboxs in the bookies this year tho.

If I stop gambling now it will take a long time to get my debt sorted, at least 5 years perhaps if I'm honest even longer. But if I stop gambling I know it will come down and in time I can go on nights out, I can take my wife out. I have always in the past found money for a bet I'm sure I can find money for a meal out or 2 with the wife.

I also must remember I may not have any spare cash in the months to come even tho I've stopped gambling but things are moving forward as debts are being paid of monthly so things are heading in the right direction, so in time I will start seeing some light at the end of this long tunnel.

This after all is the only way, gambling my way out of trouble has only ever put me in so much more trouble in many different ways not just financially. I also know if I lose anymore it could be over for me, it could well mean losing my wife and therefore losing my whole life.

Start being gamble free from now and I give myself a chance. I can see how things are in 3 months, 6 months, a year. I know for one thing I'll feel so much better for it. I can give my mrs the holiday she wants and deserves next year and I can finally start to sort my life out and point it back in the right direction.

My married life hasn't exactly been as planned but I know that I love my wife and she loves me and if I can stop gambling now I still have a fighting chance at making amends and changing our future, giving her the things she wants and needs and when the time comes for littlins then I'll be there for them also and I'll be able to provide the things that they want and need. I can start to keep the promises I have made!!

One last thing to remember I have done this before. I have been 6 months gamble free. I can do this, I have proven that, I just need to do it and keep doing it, one day at a time and see the difference.

Just have to add this as it is a great poem put on here by blondie and is very helpful and oh so true...

Why We gambled.

We gambled for happiness and became unhappy.
We gambled for Joy and became miserable.
We gambled for sociability and became argumentative.
We gambled for friendship and became enemies.
We gambled for strength and felt weak
We gambled for relaxation and became nervous.
We gambled for bravery and became afraid.
We gambled to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We gambled to forget and were forever haunted.
We gambled for freedom and became slaves.
We gambled to forget our problems and saw them multiply.
We gambled to cope with life and invited death.

I will have some goals and treats along the way but I need to just slow things down a little and not worry too much about where I stand in regards to debt, days gamble free etc. I need to just live without gambling messing with my life. I will continue the count tho, I have decided to start from day one tho as it kinda makes sense as this is a new diary and I'm comfortable doing that now, I feel a bit of an old hand with this gamcare lark lol. The treats I mention will be small things celebrating different milestones, big and small, a reminder that what I'm doing has its rewards. I think I have learnt a lot and hopefully I can really turn my life around I wasn't really ready before – I hadn't screwed my life up totally so I still felt gambling offered a way out but I now know the truth, learnt the hard way but maybe that's the only way you can learn.

So today is day one, the journey continues......

4) Hi firstly let me tell you about the username and the title. Firstly the title; my motivation and main reason for stopping gambling has changed and it changed on the 5th Feb when my wife told me I was going to be a Dad. The username as you may have guessed is the due date. Now I have just typed and rambled on about wanting to be there for my kid and all the terrible images I have of dissapointing him/her through various actions that happened due to my gambling but it was just to much of a ramble so I stopped and deleted it. Bottom line, I'm so happy that I have a baby on the way and I don't want to have gambling ruin any moment of my life with him/her.
So a little history I have had a few accounts/usernames on here and I remember what I think was my first finished with a post about the 2010 world cup and that I was going to enjoy it for the sport and not the betting opportunities - i failed! So 6ish years on and here we go again.
Last year my wife almost walked out as I had sunk again to "rock bottom" (for the new starters on this road to freedom I believe there is no rock bottom, every time I go back I fall harder and further, create your rock bottom now and only look up). After promising her once more that I would quit forever after 6 months of not gambling and clearing up quite a bit of debt I undone all the good and binged more than ever, emptying my bank account/overdraft and maxing credit cards.
We managed to stay together and I fought back from the brink, gained back some trust and started rebuilding financially (long way to go but going in the right direction).
I'm back because after 7 months this time I have once again slipped back to gambling, this time tho it was just that - a slip, no relapse and a kind of happy Dave. I may have gambled and don't get me wrong i felt awful but that is what I'm happy about. I did one £20 bet (why i'm still not 100% sure) but I felt bad, I felt guilty. But after a short while I looked at myself and thought gambling makes me miserable and I don't want another bet. I had decided that if the bet won I would take my wife out with the money and that would be the end of my gambling slip. It lost ofcourse.
I told my wife and she wasn't happy (understatement!!), no financial damage but trust once more broken.
I have a baby on the way, a family to support, not just financially but in every way. As we all know gambling takes far more than just your money and I can't afford for it to take anything from me anymore. Thats why I'm back, I can't say or commit to how much I'll post but I need something in the background as a further reminder that I do have a problem and I cant have that one bet and why would I want to.
So here I am my 8th day of not gambling, I did want to have a count of something like 230 days only one bet or something similar but I didn't want to keep reminding myself of that bet. So it's day 8 it's a new chapter and a new diary.

One thing I have always done is to set a couple of goals to help keep me focused;
1. Get to 30 days, one month, to just step away properly from that last bet.
2. Get to my 30th birthday - 23rd July, It's just over 100 days so thats a nice milestone and 90 days/3 months is said to be the time it takes to break the habit so that falls about right to.
3. 8th October thats the date my life changes for ever, it may not actually be that day but its the number/date that will keep me focused and make me realise what I have to do.

Time for me to wrap up and shut up, thank you as always for letting me get this out, it's a great tool to use having the diary and I must say it's good to be back!!

Just an update on the day I hit all my goals/targets - get in! I better set some new ones.
1. Get to the end of the year. Sets up 2017 nicely and gets me to a personal best total.
2. Join the 2017 gamble free thread and aim for my my first gamble free calendar year since I was legally able to gamble (and perhaps before - don't tell anyone!).
3. Get to the 2nd April (see the new username) and complete my first gamble free year.
4. Keep it going complete the 2017 thread. Improving my life immensely on the way and doing it all again in 2018.
5. Gambling - I'm done with it!!
This post just keeps getting longer just working out a few dates and thought I'd add this here....
I will hit 638 days if I make it through 2017 and 1003 days through 2018. Crazy numbers.
My next target is 400 which will fall on Sun 7th May then the race to 500 which will be on 15th Aug.
One day at a time, I will get there.

5) Day 637. Happy new year (slightly early) to gamcare and all its users. I am about to have my first calendar year gamble free since I started gambling. Plus I am registered to the 2017 challenge and I will be completing that and in the 52 weeks I've probably only missed 3-4 check ins. But the biggest part of that to me is that I've been on here for 7 years and I've always thought that completing that challenge is a real mark of stepping away from gambling and really kicking the addiction, I realise now it's just the start but still it's a massive challenge and one I'm proud to complete.

Still I am an addict and that hasn't and probably will never change, it just gets easier to say no. So I must continue to stay focused and strong. One way I will do this is to set some more goals, so my 2018 goals are....

1. Get to 2nd April and become 2 years gamble free.

2. Get to 1000 days, I'm part of the treble figure club, a club I've been part of and lost membership for a few times but to get to 1000 days and to enter the 4 figure club now that's an elite group.

3. Finally I'd like to end 2018 gamble free and complete my second full calender year gamble free.

When I first thought of my big goal of 1000 days it was very early days and slightly dream world, no chance I could get there but now I see it as just a matter of time. I don't want to bet again, I put stops in place, I know my triggers and know how to deal with urges. I'm still an addict so I still may bet tomorrow or the next day or on June 15th who knows but I know I don't want to spend any more time or money gambling. I'm confident I have the ability to stay gamble free.

Welcome 2018 I hope it's a good one but I will make it a gamble free one.

6) Day 388. I said recently I need a way to stay focused and to not get complacent so on Sunday 7th May I hit day 400 and I can't wait for that. I then will be challenging myself to 14 check ins. I will check in every Tuesday from the Tuesday 9th May to Tuesday 15th August. That's 14 check ins and on Tuesday 15th August I will be on day 500!

14 check ins now that sounds doable. I can't wait for my challenge to start.

7) A little before a gambling relapse -

I just hit 700 days, I had no idea I've been struggling of late lots of urges, reading the racing post looking at oddschecker, even writing paper only bets, created a real detailed excel spreadsheet – what a time waste of an exercise that was, what else could I have done with that time. I think I'm struggling as I need an escape, life is getting me down, work is stressful, looking after my daughter is draining and things with my wife are as bad as they have ever been. I have next to no social life. I just feel down and ready to run away like I have in the past, gambling used to be my escape from the real world.

I know that by gambling I escape for a short while then the problems are still there and I've added to them with my gambling, financially and emotionally. I don't want my daughter knowing daddy the gambler. I don't want her to miss out on things because oh daddy is on a bad run right now.

I'm getting complacent, I'm getting depressed and I can see it all going the down the toilet and me ruining my life as I seem to try to do when thing get tough.

I'm glad I have this outlet and it feels good (well good might be a stretch considering what I'm typing) to let it out. I need to use this site more. I'm going to try to post on this diary a couple of times a week and still check in on the 2 challenges I'm a part of. Sometimes the posts maybe small but I hope I can muster up a meaningful post once a week. I know it will help and help is what I need. I'm reality I have a good life, why do I want to destroy it. What do I want out of life, I don't know if I know, I think I've got a lot of thinking to do but sometimes the answers scare me more than the questions.

Right I need to sign off, the one amazing thing in my life my daughter is playing beside me as I type this message, so it's time to get on the floor have a play and see my beautiful girls smile. My little princess.

Thank you gamcare I hope you can help me through it all.

8) From another's diary
I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been able to fight off an urge. Recovery to me isn't about fighting urges. For me so far its about learning how to avoid them. Despite what we think when we are gambling urges dont just happen, we dont just find ourselves gambling because we cant help it. Everything happens for a reason.

I think urges happen as a result of not dealing with life's trials and tribulations, I do my utmost to go to bed each night with a clear concscience. I dont sit with problems however small. Not many problems cant be resolved, and the situations that cant be resolved are best to accept and move away from.

9) Day 149 (Target 149 - Get In!!)

Today's the day. The 90 day thread is complete a total of 9 gamcare members completed the thread and lasted the 3 months which is a great achievement by all. I'm very happy to be one of the 9 and to compete something as part of a team on here means a lot. It's a big part of what has got me through for this long. I really feel a part of something on here and that fills me with hope for the future, it really does give me that lift. That's what I love about this site it's so supportive that even tho I don't really know anyone on here I still feel that I do know you and that you all want me to succeed and I truly wish that for everyone on here aswell.

Feel great about my recovery at the moment. Looking forward to the new thread that Flagg has planned and will definitely be signing up. Anyone thinking about signing up - do it. It can really help to keep you going. I really enjoyed the thread, it was a great challenge and really helped me.

10) Right where do i begin. I have been gambling. I checked in yesterday as i wasnt ready to come out of hiding and was getting used to lying to everyone again and i thought why not lie to you guys aswell – for that i am sorry i think more so to myself than you, although i hate to lie on here as one it only hurts me anyway but i get a lot of support and advice on here and really do appreciate it and would hate to think that others think im taking the mick or whatever. Dont really know what im typing i just want to type something and i think you know what i mean.

Anyway they say problem gambling is a progressive illness/addiction – I've unfortunately learnt first hand that that is definitely the case and this spell of gambling has resulted in the worst case ever, physically, emotionally, mentally and certainly financially. The money isn't really important as we all have different incomes and out goings but i want to state what of lost just for my own record and to hopefully look back on and say what a prat i was - £2200. Im gonna be totally honest because theres no reason not to be i have been gambling for around a month. Coming on here lying and feeling sick because of it but i just couldnt stop. I didnt want to give a penny to this evil site and i just wanted to get it back and how it got this far i dont know its so easy just another 100. 50 on that no worries im down enough it wont hurt etc etc. Im so unhappy. My mrs woke me up last night – i was snoring apparently lol and i just couldnt get back off – thinking about my plan for today – it was half 2 in the morning and ive got my phone out looking at league tables etc, i had to start work at 730!

I have really put myself in a lot of financial trouble with a few big things coming up firstly the move then organising and paying for a birthday party and a few other things im gonna really struggle with, this put my gambling debt in to 5 figures and with our situation at the mo i just havent got the spare cash to bring it down – pay day next Friday but my bills are more than i get paid. Its gonna be atleast another 3-4 years min before im sorted and by then a kid maybe here and i'll probably never get sorted again and im starting my life out struggling – it didnt have to be like this.

I mention moving kids and other stuff but for the first time ever i really feel like i could lose my wife and therefore lose everything because of this addiction. If she knew the situation we our now in i really believe it would be over. She may give me another chance but the trust would never be there and she'd always be suspicious and that would ruin us in the end anyway. I need to kick this its the only hope i have of saving my marriage – saving my life. It may already be over im not sure. For now i cant tell her as i cant except those consequences, atleast not now.

Ive told my brother and he said im an idiot but his there for me and could if i wanted borrow some dosh off him – it may come to that but id rather just struggle as it may help with stopping. Ive told a few others aswell just to get it out there. Its a secretive addiction so i think getting it out there will help.

I never want to gamble again. I am gambling with everything i have in the world and i just cant that. I cant lose everything. What a waste of a life. Im not religious in anyway and i belive this is it and if i lose everything end up back at my parents or on a mates sofa I just couldnt bare it i think why, why waste this one and only life. I have everything i want in my life. Now moving to a house, wife you loves me and i her. Loving family, friends. But im losing everything. I cant go out now for years until ive got some dosh. I dont deserve to have anythinig untill ive sorted this mess i dont want or need anything else just please let me keep what i have. I cant lose my wife. Im to much of a coward for suicide and i wouldnt leave all this debt in the wifes hands but thats pretty much on my mind every day i was gambling please someone run me over as i cross the street just let this nightmare be over. I cant believe im sitting here typing this, eyes welling up. I had a little cry at work today – telling a colleague what ive done and said i think i could lose my wife and i just could help but start crying i went off to the loo and sorted myself out but this is just not fair. Not to blow my own trumpet but i honestly think im one of the nicest guys you could ever meet and i'll do anything for anyone but im ruining my life.

I just want to stop. I cant look back now whats done is done. The only chance i have of regaining some sort of life and keeping hold of my wife is to stop and hope she stands by me.

Im gonna try to wrap things up now and compose myself. I do like to proof read and look back on my post but not gonna this time this is what came out and its how i feel. Im gonna finish this diary and start a fresh one i think ive hit rock bottom truth be told i know theres a level below where i literally lose everything and im hoping ive stopped just quick enough to hold off that last level. But its time to move on and start a new diary a new count and hopefully can forget all this put it behind me and move on with my life and although its gonna take a long time can get my life back on track.

Thank you all for listening and to everyone who has posted on my diary your posts are always appreciated and although i am in a terible position they have helped because without this placed id have no way of coming back and i hope this will be my come back. Thanks again and i hope to have your support for a long time yet and a big sorry for lying on here as i dont like to as your all such great people and i dont want it to seem like im taking the mick, all i want to do is help you and myself live with this addiction and honesty is certainly the best policy on this site. Thanks again and see you in the new diary oh and i willl of course keep this diary floating around as itll be important to remember the road before me and why im here and certainly to re-read this post.

David999 the problem gambler, the addict. I can not gamble ever again.

Me again ive cleared my head a little after that post and ive just realised i never said why i think i gambled and that may help in the future so i will share it. The money i earn doesnt cover the bills that i pay so before ive even bought a sandwich my overdraft gets deeper. We our moving in to a house not great timing but an opportunity that couldnt be passed up. And on the word up the bills our up over 100 so even more debt to come. Lots of stress lots of pressure and gambling mustve just been a way to escape. Yes its obviously a stupid idea and has added a lot more stress, pressure and a lot more bad stuff besides but thats the addiciton it prays on us when were weak and i was weak enough and because i cant afford to lose the money i couldnt stop gambling when i was down i had to chase – again a stupid idea but one that we all know makes perfect sense when were in the zone. Anyway thats the short story of how a ВЈ10 fun footy bet turned in to a ВЈ2100-ВЈ2200 lose. This is something im going to repeat for a long time ВЈ10=£2200. I say the money isnt important in regards to how much and different people, different circumstances but what i do know is 2 grand to me is a massive amount of money and a reminder of what i am capable of will hopefully help me not make that first bet.

11) I don't understand how one minute I love this site feels great to be back on here and I feel proud again of what I'm doing. I felt really good the other day looking at my finances and working a long term plan of action but in the next minute I'm in the bookies!!!!! Why????

Yes I messed up yesterday. Not gonna bother going in to the ins and outs. I've probably got the same story on this very diary at least ten times.

12) Morning, another day I must not gamble. I still want to!! I guess that's the addiction. I was thinking yesterday about not gambling and then I thought I could maybe just do a particular bet once a week. I know that'll only lead to more bets tho but this addiction is a strong thing. I am going to have a serious look at my debts sometime next week and try and put a plan together and look forward again. I know roughly the debts that I have and there big, when I'm gambling I just never think of the consequences, never realise how far I'm going, just think of what I could win and how much debt I could pay off – well this year I've really seen the strength of my addiction, I have seen my self gamble a small fortune away and more worryingly I finally won a ВЈ1000 for the first time ever which is crazy considering all the ВЈ1000 loses I've had. But did I pay off £1000's of debt no ofcourse I didn't, it all got gambled back, something I should've known I'd do but still didn't believe I would.

A life with addiction is a hard life and in all other areas of life I am lucky and have everything I could wish for. Yet gambling means I can't enjoy it to the full and I run the risk of losing it all. I made a promise to my wife that if we get married I'll give her the best life I can. We have been married 18 months and for 18 months I have not kept my promise. I realise I cannot change that but I can change the future and keep my promise over the next 18 years (if I haven't gambled her away in that time).

I must make changes. You only get one life and I really and truly don't want to waste it but that's exactly what I'm doing. But change is possible, within these pages changes were made and I have turned my life round and been more happy in those few months of not gambling than I have been in the last few years while gambling. And within this site I read of many success stories of people kicking the addiction forever and never going back. Starting a new life and enjoying it one hundred times more than their previous life's of gambling, lies and debts. I know I must have a problem I have been here for to long, failed to many times, have way to much debt and not enough to show for it. I will turn my life around and give my wife and myself the life that we both deserve and although I put myself in this mess and have lied and done things I shouldn't have, I know ultimately I am a good person and deserve a better life and I will work hard to get that life for me and my family.

Thank you all for listening.

13) Morning all. Thanks for the posts. I had a great day yesterday but then when I was on my own I started to think of my situation and I just felt so low. My Mrs wants to go on holiday next year – so do I and I have sorted said we should but I know that there's no chance of it happening and that's so depressing I know not everyone has holidays but I want one and I should be able to have one if it wasn't for the bloody gambling I'd be able to. I see my brother having a holiday each year and I'm missing out so much. I have really been wasting a big part of my life due to gambling. I have thought of killing myself so many times because of gambling – that's not a cry for help or wanting posts to tell me not to because I won't do it, it's not in me to, I just sometimes think what's the point of this life, I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not giving my wife any sort of life. But yeah that's enough depressing talk. This is all positive really it may sound depressing but it's all fuel to help me stop gambling. Why would I want to do something that makes me feel so bad. I really hate myself for gambling and I really want and need to stop. It's so hard but the only way to get what I want out of life is to stop. STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!

14) Day 89. So tired. I had a thought about a bet yesterday and at 3 o'clock this morning I woke up and could not get back to sleep for ages must've been nearly an hour because I was thinking about that bet and maybe I could just do that bet should I etc etc obviously I didn't bet as it was 3 in the bloody morning and now I'm awake I know I don't wont to do that bet as its not worth it. It's not just the money. I hadn't even gambled yet still gambling was keeping me awake! People who don't have a problem aren't kept awake by gambling I do have a problem so therefore I can't gamble! Hope that all makes some sort of sense as I'm still half asleep. Thank you and good night – I wish.

Ok, so the colouring didn't work, which I thought would be the case. What I'll do is edit the post and number them because otherwise I think it'll read as a bit of mess

D,

I’ve just read through it all. Very powerful stuff.

You know what you want in life, you know what you need to do and you know what you cannot do. Go and make it happen buddy.

Tomso

Thanks tomso.

Day 34. I will not gamble today

Day 35. I will not gamble today

Day 36 I have not gambled. I will not gamble

Yo, well done keep racking them up , one day at a time ..............Shiny 🙂

Thank you dusty. Day 37. I will not gamble today

Day 44. I will not gamble today!

Day 47 I will not gamble today

You are doing so well! An inspiration! Keep it up...

D,

How you doing buddy. Not heard from you so I went searching for your diary and found you living back there on page 4.

I hope you’re ok.

Tomso

Thank you Tomso. I'm doing well just really busy.

Some good news though I got promoted. No more money but a different role, one I think I'll enjoy a lot more - hopefully! It also puts me in prime position for a possible promotion in the future, which will then be more money and hopefully help me clear this debt!

So I've been busy preparing for that role and leaving my replacement as ready as they can be also.

I've had a fair few urges hence why I'm making a point to come here this morning. Probably because I'm busy, stressed, slightly nervous about the new role and of course Cheltenham just around the corner. I need to keep busy this week and I'll be on here every morning making sure I start the day right.