My recovery diary

Thankyou Fiona, Roch, Aum

Lou x 

Hi  Lou 

You are doing amazing reading back over your diary to see how far you have come is an inspiration to people reading.
I really hope your Job interview goes well 

Take care 

Holly 

Hi Lou. I wanted to message to see how you are? Xx

Thankyou holly and debsy

Struggled over the last week..i started getting zapped into looking at competitions which is similar to gambling i guess as it would involve making a payment in hope of winning. 

The debt although it will be paid of this year i am determined for it to be. The fact of how much i have spent gambling and paying off debt is upsetting. Some people may say you have to move on not focus on it. I agree in terms of if i carried on gambling i would have been in a worse place, but at the same time its not a bad emotion to feel sad and angry about it because that emotion may stop me further gambling because i know the harms.

I find it frustrating if someone tells me to just be positive, or get over the past. Its not as simple as that. I agree you have to have goals etc but its not as simple to swith emotions off if you do struggle with your mental health and its normal in anyones life to have hard days. 

I wish i could move out this flat, a lot of people i know are getting their first houses etc i just want somewhere that i can make mine. I wont even treat myself here or buy anything for flat as i want to save for my longer term goals its gonna take a long time and is frustrating but if i carried on gambling the situation would have got worse. Im the most careful ive been with money.

Works also a stress right now i only work part time but if i worked full time again yet it would make me ill have to balance it to stay able to work. Even though at my age i shouls be able to have resillience to be able to work full time.

Lou x

Hi Lou,  and an interesting read of your post just there.   I know what you mean when people say to "just be positive" or "get over the past".  It's far easier said than done sometimes, that is true enough! 

It's really difficult when we see others seemingly succeeding and ourselves feeling like we're falling behind.  I've come to recognise - and I've felt like this before - that life's not a race, or competition, and that we must walk on our own journeys and try not too get too caught up with how others are getting on. 

I know, I know - far easier said than done.

As I get older, I see life slightly differently; I'm slightly mellower in some ways.  Last week, a much-loved work colleague died. Just died, unexpectedly after a minor op. It was a massive jolt for me personally; the sadness, the everything.  Lou, in your line of work, you see all sorts of things every day, and I know you appreciate, more than anyone with the great work you do, the fragility of life.

These are just words from me Lou but they're heartfelt. You are doing fine, better than you think, but, goodness me, know you're going through it at the moment. 

I'm rooting for you Lou, as so many of us here are.

Thankyou for posting Roch,

I did try to update how im feeling but i lost it..i had been doing better last few weeks but the last few days have been hard im drained..ill update tomorrow post work..cant wait to finish and have a day off.

Lou x

I am being really careful with money, paying off my debt, still aiming for the goal to pay it off this year. Every pennt counts now wheras when i was gambling i treated money like it was nothing.

Recently even just saw a competition which isnt licensed as gambling but even though your paying to enter in hope of a prize it is risky to a problem gambler. I saw a raffle to win a house i thought wow its only £2.50 but then if i was to buy a sandwhich at a shop £2.50 i would not buy it as i would deem is expensive whilst im trying to budget and pay off debt. And the odd pound here or there could soon add up in gambling and get out of control. Just think its strange how now i wont buy something i need in a shop if i think its a pound or 2 expensive but when i gambled o threw all my money at it.

Day off work today finally had a good sleep last night so feeling better as i was having a bad few days and feeling low and probably over did it with work. I finally crashed last night falling asleep in yesterdays clothes for a quick lie down but i obviously needed it. Todays just going to be day rest trying to meet basic self care needs which can go out the window quixk for me when feeling low

Lou x 

So today i have met a milestone in terms of the gambling recovery. But i feel to sad to even share the day count. 

I have been feeling down the last few days and i really wanted to get out of the flat for a walk today ( i never usually want to go for a walk) but as soon as i started thinking about going out i got myself all anxious and didnt its been a logn time the only time i leave my flat is for work the shop or going down to parents every few months. 

I feel so upset and trapped all i wanted today was to be able to get out somewhere beautiful whilst the sun was out but i just couldnt face it. Its getting me really down. Ive been crying so much the last couple of days..tomorrow im at work so i have to put on the strong happy face especially as i support other staff members in my role as well

Lou x

Congratulations on being a tremendous 180 days gamble-free Lou.  You have hard-earned this.  You've got my respect and just hope tomorrow the tide will start to turn for you ... it saddens me to see you like this.  Keep going Lou 🙂 

Thanls Roch not feeling so down today, just anxious. 

But tomorrow will be offically 6 months into recovery. Just need to try not to let the urges get to overwhelming. 

Lou x

Gamcare precious treasures

Of them there are a few

And one of the most delightful

Is a legend known as Lou

6 months gamble free today

She fills my world with hope

A healing nurse in recovery

Learning how to cope. 

Respect to you Lou

From

Aum ?

6 months gamble free today

Lou x

Well done on six months Lou                                  
   Scotty ??

Nice one Lou x

Best

Thankyou bal scotty aum 

Wishing you all well 

Lou x