Day 105
Start of a big week in my life, promotion has come and gone, not bothered in truth but later this week I marry my amazing partner.The fact I'm keeping this from her is my deepest regret and I feel a fraud, I know the right thing would be to come clean but I just cant take the chance right now.
I lay here next to her knowing every day I lie to her, I know she could solve this for me, she could also throw me out.
Somehow I want to put it right myself, I need to do this , the coward in me wont fess up.
Today I will not gamble.
Day done.shouldn't be on the internet but I am.
I'm fine, no gambling even though I was near a few bookie haunts.
Thankyou Holycrosser for posting words of encouragement on my diary.
Congratulations on your continued good progress in stopping gambling. You are now 106 days away from your last bet which is excellent.
Your wedding day is fast approaching and I would like to take this opportunity to wish you and your loved one many years of happiness.
It is a shame that you feel unable to share your gambling issues with your bride-to-be, but I understand your dilemma. In a recent post you wrote ..... "later this week I marry my amazing partner. The fact I'm keeping this from her is my deepest regret and I feel a fraud. I know the right thing would be to come clean but I just can't take the chance right now."
It is indeed a tricky one because obviously you do not wish your loved one to scarper. Hopefully she will be carrying a bouquet of flowers which is traditionally believed to ward off evil spirits and so will maybe keep the gambling demons away.
It's just an idea, but you could ask the vicar, when he is reading out the marriage vows, to say "Do you Mr Holycrosser - Compulsive gambler in recovery - take ....... to be your lawful wedded wife?"
At this stage in the proceedings it would be too late for her to do a runner and you will have made her aware of the gambling.
I hope you appreciate my light-hearted response to something that is obviously worrying you greatly. I am only pulling your leg but it's probably a good thing that I am not writing out the Best Man's speech. Whatever course of action you decide upon I hope you make the right choice and it doesn't come back to haunt you.
Hi
I walked in to the recovery program one year before I got married.
I did not go to meetings for myself I did it for my partner.
I did not understand that both of us went in to our marriage with emotional baggage.
In time I went to meetings for myself.
I became selfish about my recovery, and over time Shirley my wife explained to me that if I continue for her to think that things are fine when they are not was a deception which she was not happy with.
In time I set boundaries which is making a commitment to myself.
Just for today I will not gamble was not about money or the gambling, just for today I will not gamble was about me not willing to hurt myself or another person.
Just for today I will not gamble was about 24 hours only, in time by abstaining from gambling only then could the healing of my inner child come about.
I understand today it was not possible to heal all the time I was causing myself further pains.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
In time I would open up in the recovery program, I would open up to counseling talking about every conscious memory of my past.
I use to hear people talk about peeling back the onion yet did not understand that this was a healing process.
Sadly I had got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains.
I use to be so emotionally volatile and emotionally vulnerable.
Sadly I could not heal if I was not willing to admit to myself that I had pains to heal.
I could not become honest until I got honest with myself.
I use to hold back and fear telling the truth because I feared being rejected and being abandoned.
Living my life being honest has empowered me.
Living my life being honest has improved my relationship with myself and with other people.
Often when people ask how you are it is not a question.
How much time and effort am I willing to invest in to my recovery today. The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was a very emotionally vulnerable person.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
One of my addictions was to drink, that was because I could not cope emotionally.
When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
Each time I went to gambling was a form of self abuse, working for days weeks months and giving all my money to a complete stranger.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Thankyou Holycrosser for posting words of encouragement on my diary.
Congratulations on your continued good progress in stopping gambling. You are now 106 days away from your last bet which is excellent.
Your wedding day is fast approaching and I would like to take this opportunity to wish you and your loved one many years of happiness.
It is a shame that you feel unable to share your gambling issues with your bride-to-be, but I understand your dilemma. In a recent post you wrote ..... "later this week I marry my amazing partner. The fact I'm keeping this from her is my deepest regret and I feel a fraud. I know the right thing would be to come clean but I just can't take the chance right now."
It is indeed a tricky one because obviously you do not wish your loved one to scarper. Hopefully she will be carrying a bouquet of flowers which is traditionally believed to ward off evil spirits and so will maybe keep the gambling demons away.
It's just an idea, but you could ask the vicar, when he is reading out the marriage vows, to say "Do you Mr Holycrosser - Compulsive gambler in recovery - take ....... to be your lawful wedded wife?"
At this stage in the proceedings it would be too late for her to do a runner and you will have made her aware of the gambling.
I hope you appreciate my light-hearted response to something that is obviously worrying you greatly. I am only pulling your leg but it's probably a good thing that I am not writing out the Best Man's speech. Whatever course of action you decide upon I hope you make the right choice and it doesn't come back to haunt you.
That made me chuckle, it’s a massive dilemma and I know the pitfalls and many may scour at me but there we are.Im guessing one day I will be on here possibly devastated, I hope not, I deserve this change in fortunes in truth.
Hotel rang today , my wedding venue, gave us a free marquee upgrade worth £2000 ..brilliant surprise.
No gambling today
Day 107.
Nearly pay day.another one chalked off hopefully
Had good news from OH.shes reducing my money I need to pay her exhaust month by £250
What a help
You see HC everything is coming together. I want to wish you all the very best for the weekend. Have a wonderful day.
That should read...every month 2 posts above.
Day 108 starts , feel things are getting better and thanks Rob for the support.I will use this extra money to pay debt down and never waste it on gambling like I would have in the past.Been a good week so far, the suns out and I get married in 2 days.
Day 108 done.
No gambling and time to log off the web have a great night.
day 109, pay day.
ive woke up and paid more debt and bills, everything is mapped out now, when I started this diary I was determined to never gamble again, never, no excuse.
tomorrow I get married for the second time in my life, a great partner who is my inspiration in all of this.i can’t and won’t fail, there’s so much temptation around me it’s hard but I will do this.that spare £250 I came across has been paid off credit cards, what a difference in my thinking now to 4 months ago.Id be up gambling online by now with every chance I’d have lost my first £300 of the day, I’m not that person now, it feels great.
another month of debt chalked off, another month closer to being free of debt, then I get my life back, my real life.
well done HC - things are moving in the right direction, give yourself a huge pat on the back and be immensely proud for what you have achieved the last 109days and how far you have come!
All the best for the big day tomorrow bud
Well done HC you are doing really Well, you are always so positive. Good luck for tomorrow, have a great day.
111 days gambling free.
Had the best day of my life, so much focus now.I can’t let her down.She is my inspiration.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
