My diary

Day 19! Relaxing tonight and the urge to mindlessly play slots was severe. I started looking online for any website i could log into around Gamstop.

Once i got it in my head that I was going to allow myself to play “£10” it was actually worrying how desperate I got to find a website that worked!! Disgusting!! I could feel the urge boiling inside of me as I spent about 30 mins searching.

Thankfully I couldn’t because of Gamstop, and the sketchy casino sites I would be able to access just don’t appeal to me at all. 

I’ve closed off all the google searches and come back here to confess my sins ?

Well done on resisting the urge. One day at a time pal.

Day 23 - I just got a refund into my bank account today, not much but normally i’d gamble it for sure. I have good intentions to spend this wisely, however nearly just gave in, trying to find non-gamstop online casinos.

Grateful for gamstop that make this difficult, and also for the realisation that I put a freeze on gambling with my bank account anyway.

Another day these services have saved me from gambling when I get this quick build up of an urge out of nowhere. I don’t know how I justify gambling so easy - i’m so strict with my money, takes me a long time to justify a takeaway or a new pair of shoes, but gambling comes with that “chance” of “winning” it back and more. 

Anyway - 1 more week until payday. That will mark a month since I signed up for Gamstop and joined this forum again. That day I spent the majority of my paycheck on slots yet again, however that time with next to nothing returned, that was my reality check, hopefully once and for all. 

d x

Day 27! Seems unreal. I’m approaching my first payday and preparing for the urges while having money sitting in my bank. 

My sister has made a new account with her bank for me, where I will be sending money to to save. I know i have zero control over my money, if it isn’t gambling then i spend until every penny is gone almost out of habit from living with nothing in my account so often. I don’t have much leftover after bills but it would be better in savings than useless items i forget about within days. I know i can survive with little money each month, cause i’ve done it for the last few years! 

I’m feeling positive about this new savings account, and my bank’s gambling freeze and gamstop in place. I’m determined to rebuild my credit score and have some hard earned money saved away. No risks! Hopefully this determination will overpower any urges to gamble. I know it’s going to be hard.

d x

Day 29... 

I get paid in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Normally I would wait up for those hours to deposit my first £20 on slots just to give into the urges i’d been having for weeks before. Normally that meant playing til stupid hours, only going to sleep because I knew the next day would be a full day of doing what I “love”, playing slots. 

Just now I’m feeling positive, I don’t have those urges as strongly as before. I’m going to sleep now and will not (and can not) simply play slots tonight, or tomorrow. I’m just excited to have money in my bank account for maybe the first month in years. 

We shall see what tomorrow brings, I’ve been dreading this day since I joined here!

d x

Dear d1984,

Just a quick response to your post to say 'well done' and to wish you all the very best. It sounds like you've got some good blocks in place and you have prepared yourself emotionally for this 'milestone'. 

If you do need anything, whether it be further support, a chat, or just a bit of distraction please get in touch. The helpline on 0808 2030 133 and live chat are both available 24 hours a day. 

With best wishes,

Helen

Forum Admin

Thanks Helen! 

Hey everyone,

Today marks 31 days gamble free! I really can’t believe it.

I got paid yesterday and STILL have some money to my name! 

The urges have definitely been there, but haven’t been as intense as I expected them to be when I got paid.

I think the realisation that I will NEVER win has really sunk in. I’m finding it easier to brush off the urges with other distractions or come to this forum for motivation.

Also, as admitted in other posts,  have tried to get around the GamStop blocks, but I don’t trust any of the sites and something i’ve learnt is how much certain megaways slot games I enjoyed playing had an impact, others don’t interest me. 

Things I have done in the last 2 days...

- Paid ALL of my bills right away

- Paid off one of my smaller credit card debts in full this evening with some help from my brother, before the account defaulted. So grateful for that.

- Transferred the majority of my remaining money to my new savings account that my sister has made for me in her name for emergencies only

- NOT GAMBLED!

I’m feeling positive and excited.

Next steps are to keep improving my finances with my new limitations in place, and also a big one is to finally tell my closer family about my problem. 

I know this is important, and I’m feeling more and more ready to tell them as the days go on. I’m a very independent person, and with Covid and existing personal family issues going on, they have felt very distant and unavailable. I’ve decided that before now simply hasn’t been the right time to add more stress to my dad’s life and maybe push him further away. 

Despite this, I’m so, so proud of how far I have come on my own. I hope when I do go to him I can show him just how serious I am about this recovery.

Hope everyone’s well

d x

Wow, i’m not sure how I haven’t updated my diary in 20 days! Where has that time gone?

I’ve surprised myself a bit this month, I don’t want to say it’s been easier than i’d have ever expected to be as I know how easy that can change, but I’m doing great. It’s been 51 days. 

I have the odd thought about gambling but i’m quickly put off by my blocks in place and the fact i have already tried and failed to be able to get around those blocks to play the specific slot games I want to play. None of the others appeal to me enough to even bother. 

Reflecting on the last 20 days I feel i can definitely say atleast one of those days have passed without a single thought of gambling. The difference that makes compared to being the first and last thing on my mind every single day for, well, years, is amazing. I no longer have these awful dreams of winning big on an every day basis. 

My time is occupied, i’m working hard and I’ve met someone new and everything is going great so far ?

On top of that, i’ve made hardly any unnecessary purchases this month. I still have some money in my bank, and savings that my sister is keeping safe for me. It sounds so stupid but I feel rich, with only a 2 digit bank balance. 

Onwards and upwards, my next payday is Friday 30th, that will be the next challenge I guess! 

Hope everyone is well.

d x

Wow, again, it’s been over a montb since I last posted here. Where has the month gone? I see this as only a good sign. Gambling takes up so little of my mind now, 87 days in, again I’m so grateful.

My money is being managed, I’m getting help, taking the steps I need to take. My credit score even went up by 156 points this month. I’m over the moon!

Payday will be this Monday 30th, and I still have some money in my bank. I don’t have much, but it’s more than I ever had even when i was “winning”. This time of the month is usually my reality check, of how desperate I was to gamble my entire pay check in one day. Nothing sounds worse to me now that I have such a strong focus elsewhere.

The hardest part for me now is seeing all the advertisements online. Sometimes i even find myself covering it with my hand until I’m able to skip the video. They always show the big wins in slots, something I hoped for every single thousands of spins when I gambled. I find it hard to watch that and not want to “try again” so I block it out. 

I’m proud of myself. I hope this continues. 

d x