I wanted to start a diary on here to track progress to being gamble-free. I’ve been gambling since 2000 - that’s 27 years and more money lost than I want to think about. I’ve pretty much been in debt since 2005.
But the past 12 months I’ve started to be honest with myself about the extent of my gambling problem, and I’ve started to reach out to gamcare, and join the chatrooms and read the forums. And though I still gamble most days, I sometimes go 3 or 4 days without a bet. I’ve also blocked gambling on my phone but I’ve managed to bypass the blocks on my laptop. In general I’m still gambling a lot less than a few months ago. But I’m struggling to take that final step of going months without a bet.
But I’m proud of myself that I am now serious at doing all I need to do to give up gambling
A FEW NOTES ON FINANCIAL SHAME
I’ve been doing some self-reflection, and self-counselling and I’ve come to realise that shame and low self-esteem are two things that really fuel my addiction to drink and gambling. The shame around gambling, and the financial position it has put me in is the main reason why it’s taken me so long to accept to myself that I have a problem and I have started to open up a little more in the gamcare chatroom and forums. I was offered some counselling phone calls, but I turned them down because of the shame, and because I didn’t feel able to speak openly to another human about the gambling and finances.
I have effectively been in debt since 2005 - it was around that time that i developed serious anxiety and depression problems. During that time I have had 3 or 4 big payments of £20,000+ - redundancy money, cashing in shares, inheritance but each time that money has only lasted a few months and I returned to the state with nothing, a struggle from pay day to payday and credit cards maxed out. In some ways - that state feels like who I am, and in some ways I feel more comfortable that way that when I have £20,000 in the bank. The last time I lost a large amount of money, it felt like a relief - £20,000 seems a weight around my neck sometimes, and I’ve never had any savings since 2001.
I used to be good with money in my early 20s but I guess it’s a symptom that I can’t save any money since gambling has taken hold of my life.
The shame has also meant that I’ve been maxed out on credit cards for years and years, and I’ve been afraid to contact Stepchange or my creditors to talk about debts, and to come up with a plan to pay them off. I’m pleased to say that I have contacted step change now, and they’ve recommended a suspension of payments, and I’ve spoken to my creditors and arranged a period of a few months break where I don’t need to make the payments, and I don’t need to ignore the calls and letters that come most days.
This has come to a head the last few months since I lost my job in October, and I have been really depressed. When I was earning a good wage, I could afford to lose £1,000 and still pay rent, bills and minimum credit card payments but now I’m on benefits, at the start of this month I lost £900 which was pretty much all I had. I’m pleased that it looks like I’m going to be starting a new job in March, but I’m tired of gambling, and tired of how bad I am with finances.
I’ve also noticed a trigger that I imagine is very common with gamblers. As soon as I get paid, or manage to borrow on another loan or credit card, my first thought is always to gamble it. I try to arrange i t that my bills and rent go out of my account as soon as I’m paid, then I gamble with the rest and leave myself with very little to survive on til the next payday. I’m pleased I’m trying to recognise these triggers and work on them.
And what causes me most shame is when I have to ask my parents or close friends to borrow money and often lie about why I need the money.
I guess this forum post is just me reflecting on my finances and the next steps. I hope when I get my pay from my new work in March, that I can properly have moved forwards from these destructive times in my life.
Dear andyrr,
Thank you for sharing this post it seems you have put a lot of thought into. I am sorry to hear that you have lost your job that is difficult for anyone.
You are not alone if shame and low self-esteem cause a negative cycle with gambling and drinking. Some people look to these things as coping strategies, to feel escapism, to lessen the intensity of a feeling or to have some time forgetting gambling impacts. Drastically reducing your gambling so far has been a genuine achievement. Taking the step to speak to StepChange to address your debts really sounds like you are confronting and dealing with the impacts now.
You are worthy and deserving of accessing support and having someone listen to you. I hope now that you feel able to talk to someone about your gambling and mental health. You are welcome to call the National Gambling Helpline on 0808 8020 133 anytime.
Best wishes for your new job!
Louise
Forum Admin
Hi Andy
How are you doing this week my friend ? Have you started your new job yet ?
Stuart
Hi Stuart. Thanks for the message, and thanks for your support and support from all at gamcare. It's appreciated.
Doing ok here - I'm 3 days without a bet but still thinking of gambling a lot. I'm also 3 days without a drink - the addictions go pretty much hand in hand for me. I started the empowerMe course on gamcare and am looking for some podcasts, and trying to surround myself with non-gambling resources.
I got some bad news about the job that I was expecting to start though. After going through 3 interviews and a technical test, they have said that they may not be hiring for that position any more. I'm still hopeful that they might contact me in the next few days but I've had to start applying for jobs again so feeling a bit depressed about that.
I've been reading the forums here a lot too. A couple of thoughts - tazman mentioned on another thread that you have to be 100% committed to giving up otherwise gamble-free is unlikely to stick. I am only 60% committed, and part of me wants to carry on gambling. After so many years - 26 years gambling - it's hard to think of a life without it. I also remember you mentioning in a chatroom how you hated the gambling companies. I don't really hate the companies, and don't hate the games and the sports betting and part of me looks back nostagically on blackjack, poker and sports betting. I wish i did hate them.
THere's also another thought that gets me in trouble - when I get some money into my account, and that's not enough to pay bills and rent, I think if I can gamble it and turn it into more then I would have enough, but inevitably I end up with next to nothing after a few hours. I hope I can rewrite this thought too if I surround myself with non-gambling podcasts and gamcare.
Overall I'm doing ok and thinking positively about the future though. I'll try and be in the chatroom tonight. Hope all is good with you and speak soon.
Hi Andy
Try and look up these podcasts on youtube
The Modern Meeting
The Addicted Recovery Show
Odaat
It's also worth watching alcohol and drug addiction interviews because it's all one and the same, you just change the words.
You might say you are only 60% committed but I think you are more than that. Have you thought about getting something in place to take your mind off urges when they come
See you in the chat soon mate. Will be on Saturday and Sunday night at 8
I’ve been meaning on posting to my diary for a long time. Sad to report I’m still drinking and gambling although I’ve been drinking less, and I’ve been gambling less time and less money, but that’s mainly because I only just have enough money to survive on.
I feel with each week that goes by I feel a little more determined to give up. I was only 5/10 a few weeks ago but I’m now 7 or 8/10 determined to give up.
I’m also learning a lot more about addiction - am reading books and listening to podcasts and I’m also understanding my own addictive mind and addictive behaviour much better too. I’ve struggled to reach out for help and have been offered councelling, but there’s a part of me that’s scared about bringing difficult emotions and difficult elements of my past to the surface so I’ve been putting off talking about it, and can only really manage to bounce ideas around chatGPT.
I’ve identified my AV (addictive voice) - the one that constantly tells me to put money into the casino site, and gambling is a good idea, and one football team is guaranteed to win. I’ve also identified a false belief - “Gambling will put me in a better position financially” - when I have almost no money to get through the month, I believe that gambling is the only way to gain that money to make it through the month. No matter how many times I’ve proved that wrong, I still cannot help but believe it - at least I’m starting to notice that false belief now, and I hope I can rewrite it given time so I realise the truth that I will almost always end up in a worse situation if I gamble.
I want to think a bit more about where I’ve come from and appreciate that my gambling is better than it’s been before, and I feel closer to quitting than I ever have before. I only have a single website open, and in the past I’ve had 30 or 40 open at a time. But at the end of the day, I’m a compulsive gambler, and I know that even with one site open, any money I get paid - 90% of it will just be P****d into the gambling site and I’ll be struggling to make it to the end of the month. It doesn’t matter if I get £20 into my account or £3,000 - it’s all the same.
I’ve also identified that major trigger - getting money into my account. Even if only small amounts, the first thing i think of is putting it into a gambling account. So I realise that I need to think before that point on how I make a change to stop it going straight into a gambling account.
I’ve also realised that I have to give up both drinking and gambling if I’m going to stop gambling.
And I’ve realised I have 2 sorts of gambling. Firstly, in many ways, I have more of an addiction to always needing inputs to my brain - whether it’s news or sports results or the price of bitcoin or the ftse, I have a craving for that, and if I don’t have money on something, I’m still doom scrolling on my phone or checking the news stories, or even gamcare religiously ever 10 minutes to see if any new posts. I need to detox from that need. The second form of gambling i have is escape from my mind, my feelings and the world. I start drinking at 5:30pm, put money into the casino, and zone out for hours playing blackjack. I hope with quitting drinking and a bit of discipline that I can get over that.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I’m determined to beat this but it’s taking longer than I would’ve hoped. At the moment gamcare chat is the only support that I have, but I hope I can find a way to tell my girlfriend, and maybe get some counseling to address my emotions, and share my problems with someone else.
I’ve been meaning on posting to my diary for a long time. Sad to report I’m still drinking and gambling although I’ve been drinking less, and I’ve been gambling less time and less money, but that’s mainly because I only just have enough money to survive on.
I feel with each week that goes by I feel a little more determined to give up. I was only 5/10 a few weeks ago but I’m now 7 or 8/10 determined to give up.
I’m also learning a lot more about addiction - am reading books and listening to podcasts and I’m also understanding my own addictive mind and addictive behaviour much better too. I’ve struggled to reach out for help and have been offered councelling, but there’s a part of me that’s scared about bringing difficult emotions and difficult elements of my past to the surface so I’ve been putting off talking about it, and can only really manage to bounce ideas around chatGPT.
I’ve identified my AV (addictive voice) - the one that constantly tells me to put money into the casino site, and gambling is a good idea, and one football team is guaranteed to win. I’ve also identified a false belief - “Gambling will put me in a better position financially” - when I have almost no money to get through the month, I believe that gambling is the only way to gain that money to make it through the month. No matter how many times I’ve proved that wrong, I still cannot help but believe it - at least I’m starting to notice that false belief now, and I hope I can rewrite it given time so I realise the truth that I will almost always end up in a worse situation if I gamble.
I want to think a bit more about where I’ve come from and appreciate that my gambling is better than it’s been before, and I feel closer to quitting than I ever have before. I only have a single website open, and in the past I’ve had 30 or 40 open at a time. But at the end of the day, I’m a compulsive gambler, and I know that even with one site open, any money I get paid - 90% of it will just be P****d into the gambling site and I’ll be struggling to make it to the end of the month. It doesn’t matter if I get £20 into my account or £3,000 - it’s all the same.
I’ve also identified that major trigger - getting money into my account. Even if only small amounts, the first thing i think of is putting it into a gambling account. So I realise that I need to think before that point on how I make a change to stop it going straight into a gambling account.
I’ve also realised that I have to give up both drinking and gambling if I’m going to stop gambling.
And I’ve realised I have 2 sorts of gambling. Firstly, in many ways, I have more of an addiction to always needing inputs to my brain - whether it’s news or sports results or the price of bitcoin or the ftse, I have a craving for that, and if I don’t have money on something, I’m still doom scrolling on my phone or checking the news stories, or even gamcare religiously ever 10 minutes to see if any new posts. I need to detox from that need. The second form of gambling i have is escape from my mind, my feelings and the world. I start drinking at 5:30pm, put money into the casino, and zone out for hours playing blackjack. I hope with quitting drinking and a bit of discipline that I can get over that.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I’m determined to beat this but it’s taking longer than I would’ve hoped. At the moment gamcare chat is the only support that I have, but I hope I can find a way to tell my girlfriend, and maybe get some counseling to address my emotions, and share my problems with someone else.
Hi Andy
We are friends and I don't think there is anyone other than yourself who wants you to succeed than me. I'm routing for you, every day and wait for that post that says you've completed a month GF.
You probably saw my post about opening up and telling everyone. Only you can know when to tell your girlfriend but I would guess her support would help you on this tough journey.
I absolutely resonate with your escape mechanism. I always ran away to gambling everytime life presented a pothole to me. Tackling life on life's terms isn't easy
When you talk about getting paid and money going into your account, now that's the really difficult one. When I had that each month, it was like all reason and morals for paying bills rushed out of my mind and like the descending balance to gambling fell at my feet. It must be some chemical in the brain, maybe the anti dopamine so I needed dopamine to return the balance. I think for me and you it's the most dangerous part of the journey. Can you work out someway that your bills and income coming the same day. Anything over you transfer to someone you trust and can return it in a budgeted format. I would suggest you need to reconnect with the true value of money but I'm only talking about what works for me. I really feel you are so like me. I needed accountability, probably more than the blocks. By the way if you have Apple devices the new version of gamban cannot be deleted. I know you are a computer guy but it apparently can't be uninstalled. Obviously Gamstop as you know will block all UK sites and only leave availability to the dodgy foreign ones that won't pay you out so are even more pointless than regulated ones.
If you could build a robust system to remove access to the money you would find this so much easier and stop doing more damage to yourself physically, mentally and financially. Just having that friction between yourself and the next bet can make such a difference. I promise once you get through the early stages of not gambling the want to gamble soon gets easier.
Counselling for me has been a life changer. Taking again for myself, having a multi layered approach to recovery....GA, Gamcare, Counselling, online zoom meetings, the modern meeting, podcasts and YouTube videos, journalling, walking, connection...all makes recovery possible. I'm a great believer in what I put into my recovery then I get out of it. It's not taken long to actually enjoy recovery and it's my full time job lol. Never thought I would ever say that.
Like I have done since you first came on the site, I am behind you mate, pushing you to go forward one small step at a time. As you said you've gone from 5/10 to 8/10, why don't you aim for 9/10.by the end of the month ?
Thanks Stuart. You're a true friend, and I appreciate the support. Your post had lots of good advice as always. I'll try once again to start being gamble free, and I'll update this journal and be in the chatroom regularly.
Always here for you Andy.
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