My journey..

Hi Tizzy 

thanks for the post on my diary last night. Glad you feel you are getting back to some normality. My weekend was same as usual, good to get a break from work, just filling my time with normal mix of chores and family visit and watching tv and box sets and some sports highlights. 

I’m watching Teachers off channel 4 catch up just now, from about 2001, never even heard of it before but enjoying it, on series 3 now. Loved watching the thunderstorm yesterday that was great!

Totally get that you weren’t in mode for posting much, hear from you again soon.

take care 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Thanks for latest post. Yes it does sound like you need to give up the bingo and land slots. I get what you say about making you sad you can no longer play. As you know I have been on current journey since October and I still cant totally accept it, I still wish I could participate in only the gambling which I know about, enjoy and which doesn't cause me problems but I've tried that so many times over the years and it didnt work. Relate as well re owing family money, same for me plus other debts to companies, very much treading water at the moment with all of that. One of the big reasons for reviewing my position, simply couldn't allow it to get any worse financially.

You are very lucky your OH is sticking with you, many dont in similar situations. What do I enjoy other than gambling? Well years ago it was football and running, then injury put paid to the football (as you will have read, that was a factor/excuse to spend more time gambling). So I get a buzz from running and going to the gym/swimming, couldn't function without my exercise. Its a mandatory part of my life and always has been, but its a different buzz to the gambling as there isnt anything really competitive now. Yes races are opening up again and I'll start to do some of them but my age means I cant win races now or even try to beat best times like I could years ago so there are limits. I just dont think there is any replacement for the gambling buzz, I think we just have to learn to live without it and concentrate on the advantages, financial, health, well being, better sleep, calmer, more peaceful, all of those apply for me but at the same time I'm more flat, humdrum, living like groundhog day with no ups and downs so in a sense I'm not the same person. Can I get back to being the person I was before I became an addict? I dont think so as that person was 23 not 54 and that makes a big difference. 

I enjoy Tennis as well and I'm also a Federer fan and agree re Djokovic unfortunately. As I've mentioned on chat my sports viewing is very limited these days in comparison to previous years with focus on watching highlights instead of live events to avoid thinking about odds and gambling on them. There are also a number of events where on reflection I was watching them only because I had a bet on and watching them without now just doesn't appeal - that shows a problem really, I should only have been gambling on events I had knowledge of, had a firm view of the outcome but my watching widened too much over the years. I could blame Sky as after that came along suddenly there were all these live events which were never available before !!

Have definitely watched a lot more box sets over the last year - The Affair, Luther, Line of Duty, Damages are all great for me - these replace the 'escape' part of gambling, I can sit and watch these and forget about my troubles and regrets and past mistakes and just live in the moment and get lost in the dramas.

Happy to work with you through whatever you decide to do. Take care, speak again soon.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

I'd like to say that feelings of disarray and sadness not being able to pursue gambling of no harm will pass permanently and for you I hope they do but they haven't for me 🙁

Yeah Teachers is mostly comedy and to be honest its unusual for me to watch a comedy - years ago it was things like Fools and Horses, Porridge, Fawlty Towers, Love Thy Neighbour to name a few but for a while now I get lost mostly in drama. I've seen The Bodyguard Yes. Another recommendation is the The Adulterer off channel 4 catch up ( if you dont mind subtitles as its foreign), there are few foreign ones on there which I'be enjoyed.

And on the subject of adultery :), I'd say in some respects you have a valid comparison re sticking by each other but in others its a bit different, so both the affair and gambling are pursuits you each undertaken which has had a negative effect on the other. But the affair is a mental, human choice. The gambling, Yes you choose to gamble to start off with, but you dont choose to be a CG who cant stop and who throws away money like confetti with no thought at the time about the consequences. Plus the affair is a time bound thing (could be multiple affairs of course), the compulsive gambling is a lifelong addiction (unless one can manage to stop for good). And I'm speaking with experience of both here, I've done the 'affair' myself, although I dont like the term, prefer 'relationship' as certainly for me it wasnt 'two-timing' as the relationship I was in wasnt fulfilling needs and the other relationship was so there was no 'conflict' if that makes sense.

re being compulsive in normal live, I tend to live a pretty rigid existence and do same things at same times and have a routine and dont like to change it too much, but not sure I've ever been addicted to anything other than gambling. I'd define addiction as something like 'need for regular stimulation or escape from normal existence to point of the stimulation being above all else in that person's life regardless of consequences' 

I dont drink or smoke or take drugs. As I mentioned already, I get a buzz from exercise and competing but not as much as years ago and different from gambling. I'm not aware of older family who had any gambling issues although there are heavy smokers to point of addictive if that counts in terms of being genetic.

In terms of a turning point, I think for some they realise they cannot take any more and then manage to do something about it to one extent or another for short or long periods. For some it seems one major event may kick off the compulsion and one other major event may be the trigger to stop.

Lunchtime over, back to work!

Captain

Hi Tizzy 

yeah I’m gutted about Federer too, especially the way he lost in 3 sets and with a bagel last set. He has given me much pleasure and good memories over the years but I think he should retire now. Agreed re him being a gentleman, I don’t like players like Djokovic who for me isn’t as classy or entertaining despite all the titles and is too arrogant. 

Watched football, came into rare category for me of a sporting event I can watch out of genuine interest without thinking about the gambling side. Italy will be tougher but home advantage and the crowd may be a factor.

The swingers is another subtitled drama like the adulterer. (There is a theme here ? with the affair mentioned earlier as well..

And Yes I’ve done marriage and out of marriage relationship and my last relationship ended over 2 years ago. She wanted us to move in together but it wouldn’t have worked. I somehow managed to hide the gambling part of my life but it would quickly have become apparent in terms of not being able to buy somewhere together in the first place never mind bill sharing etc. After a while I also realised it wouldn’t have worked anyway because of her son, who she wanted to be able to come stay with us some of the time. That would have freaked me out.

Time to eat my tea?

Captain 

Morning Tizzy

So you gambled again. As you say, its not about whether you won or lost. You wanted to gamble. You got a buzz. It was an escape. It helped you get through the day. It made your day better. How would you day have gone if you hadn't gambled? 

Anyway no harm done. Unless it leads back to online and more big losses. Or even to big losses with your 'land' gambling. You are in debt already. You dont want that debt to increase. (Talking from much experience, over the years I have always been in debt but there is a difference between 'manageable' debt and debt which involves huge interest payments and means anxiety and worry and loss of sleep). Anyway whatever you decide, day to day and in general, I'm with you to help, comment, support.

Today I am on holiday. Originally planned to watch Fed in the semi-final 🙁  ( I like that we are both Fed fans!) But with him knocked out, I'm not interested in watching the semis - well I could be if I had a bet on them, but I won't, as I dont now, so some combination of exercise and viewing and gardening will fill my time, just like a extra weekend day. Why couldn't I have stayed on the right path, been able to stick to sports and watch the semis today with a bet on, following every point, cheering and grumbling, up and down, 6 hours of ups and downs and the end result either a win or a loss but a great afternoon of fun with no big financial loss. But I couldn't  - a loss at the Tennis would then lead to gambling on horses or dogs or virtual to get my money back. A win would make me feel good for a short time but I'd end up giving it back and more over time.

So instead of Wimbledon it will be maybe a DVD - not watched Top Gun for a while - 'Take my Breath Away!"

Captain

Hi Tizzy

I'm enjoying corresponding with you. As you will have noticed, I've not been posting to any other users on the Forum regularly for a while, just the odd post on my own diary and joining chat 2 or 3 times a week. Finding our dialogue refreshing.

Top Gun is a great movie. Its in a category of about 10 or so all time favourites which I can watch every 2 or 3 months and enjoy just as much as first time around. Did 2 hours of gardening yesterday too so its looking nice and neat now.

Glad you are enjoying the Adulterer. Although its founded on an adulterous relationship, its far from all about that. I found it had some really good storylines and character development. Hope you keep watching and we can exchange views on it. 

Are all affairs passionate? Who knows. But have to be honest. Mine were. Totally let myself go, did things I hadn't before, some great memories.(Better stop at that or its a different Forum from this one 🙂

But leading on from that, when I have been in relationships with regular texting to make each other smile, regular phone calls, looking forward to meeting the person, that all helped me not to gamble as much. Remember going out at lunchtime, heading to the bookies, get a text, answer it, few texts back and forth, looking forward to meeting her, ended up just walking around a bit, didnt bother with the bookies that day, other days similar. When relationships went downhill, the gambling increased.

You have mentioned things which you enjoy. But do you wake up in the morning and the thing you are looking forward to most that day is Bingo/slots? You count the hours until its time? I've spent many a morning in work clock watching, couldn't wait for lunchtime to get to the bookies. I've been on holiday in remote places with no bookies years ago with no online or abroad , spent time walking, sightseeing, sunbathing, whatever but the only thing which got me through the day was the drug of gambling, focused on a horse race at 1400 or a football match at 1945, betting by a phone call, listening to commentary over the phone, watching a football match in a pub, the gambling allowed me to 'suffer' the rest of it, thats how it felt. Most people would enjoy doing those things on holiday. I tolerated them, only focused on a bet that day.

Agreed re not fully understanding how as CGs we lose control. The above which I refer to, is perhaps understandable as an addiction, needing the drug to help one through the day, like a smoker or drinker. But why do we get out of control and find that we often *want* to lose? Arthur Daley in Minder used to quote 'I've always got a grand in my pocket, never leave the house without a grand'. I loved that - I used to love having a grand in my pocket, go to the bookies, win £200, I'm happy, win £300 the next day, I'm happy, get it up to £2k and I'd put £1000 in the bank, back to a grand again, go again. You will have read this on my diary, I could do this on 'random' for X days in a row, but then one day a month, I'd go in and just lose everything in my pocket, then go to the bank, withdraw, lose that as well and 2 weeks of winnings and more were gone in an hour.  Became even easier and faster to lose large amounts when online began. 

And to your note about remembering the good times - I'm more balanced on that now - I remember the big wins, and for me the best were on sports events lasting longest, so not just about larger amounts but more buzz from events lasting 4 days, a fortnight, a month than from  one football match. I remember the big wins where I achieved things like paying off debts at the time and telling myself I wouldn't get into debt again and when I bought a car for the first time without a loan. But I also remember large losses in 30 mins or an hour and there were far more of the losses than the wins. One of my quotes I use is 'The good feeling of a win never stays with you as long as the bad feeling of a loss'. 

I've had to cancel planned holidays, lied to family to get them to lend me money, broken relationships for good, I recall all these impacts which affected others and were not just financial.

Counselling helped re-affirm a lot of the thoughts I already had re why I gambled, what were the triggers, type of person I am, what I need from life etc, etc. Dont have an answer as to why I self-destruct and lose everything. Its a trait of a CG but thats still not an answer. We want to be involved in the action, get a buzz, realise its not about the money, but why do we want to lose everything on some occasions...could be some of of low self esteem kicks in. masochism even, wanting to start again at the bottom or wanting self consciously to have a break from the ups and downs and be not able to gamble for a while.

Yeah, Agassi was a great player to watch too. Have you read his autobiography? One of my favourite books.

Well usual Saturday for me, did house chores, been for a run, this afternoon back to Teachers (I'm keeping it for a Saturday to spin it out) and other viewing / self-help reading.

Speak soon

Captain 

40 days with no online gambling! 

Posted by: tizzy1970

40 days with no online gambling! 

Congratulations Tizzy.

Your goal was to stop online gambling and you are achieving what you set out to achieve ?.

You are fully aware of the risks involved in going to bingo occasionally and it is your choice to live your life as you see fit.

I respect your openness and sincerely hope you come to no harm through your social evenings at the bingo.

Sadly I am a compulsive gambler and my attempts to moderate my gambling in the past have always ended in disaster. 

Aum ?

Well done Tizzy. ? I agree with  everything Aum has said above too. Good luck with the rest of your journey xx

Hi Tizzy

Just catching up on your latest posts, thanks.

Was a tough weekend for me with the big sporting events.

Hi Tizzy 

hope you got enough beauty sleep ?

Have you decided to continue with the bingo and land slots and stay away from online? Feels like that to me. Which is all fine unless it becomes a problem. 

re my past, I tend to focus on the good times of the past, mostly non-gambling good memories. I’ve accepted I can’t change my past bad decisions and agree I need to look forward and make the best of what I have. I’ve only been on this current chapter since last October as you know so relatively early, hope to have more focus and direction by the end of this year, I think that’s realistic.

re the buzz, trying not to over complicate here but do you get a different buzz from the bingo and land slots versus online?

For me the buzz of involvement and anticipation for a sports bet I had placed based on knowledge was very positive and felt like a ‘natural’ buzz similar to when I participated in sports events when younger. Whereas the need/desperation/craving to bet on just anything (random as I call it) was very negative, really highlighting the addiction and CG in me, couldn’t wait to get to the bookies for the first race on a Saturday or couldn’t wait to get out of the office to get there at lunchtime then placing a bet was a relief from the tension,  the wait, the agony, even better if I won but it didn’t matter really, I was in the action. Even worse with online, wake up in the morning and bet immediately, didn’t have to wait for somewhere opening. Feel strongly about the positive buzz versus the negative addictive need, the positive buzz never did me any harm except when it wore off and I couldn’t identify where the next sports opportunity was coming from or boredom or stress or mr addict kicked in before the next event came along.

Totally with you re a big win/ lottery etc if I did lottery which I don’t but in theory - I’d be sensible enough to pay off debts / make myself comfortable but would then gamble again and convince myself I wouldn’t get out of control somehow.

Another recommended series to watch on itv hub - Striking Out 

Back to work now 

Captain 

Hi Teresa Tizzy 🙂

I am thinking of changing the title of my diary from 'Life with Sports Bets only' to 'Life with Tizzy only' as you are the only one posting on it ha ha.... cant complain, I'm not posting to anyone other than you !!

Well done on the win today, hope your winning continues and you are not telling me anytime soon that you have lost heavily or gone back to online.... I agree we CGs are able to win, we have knowledge, ways of working, experience etc etc but we cannot stop when we want to all the time and we dont have *discipline*. Most days in the 30 years of my problem and compulsive gambling I'd have an intention, a plan, what I proposed to do. On the days I stuck to the plan, win or lose, it didn't give me a problem. When the addict inside me took over I was a different person and suddenly the plan had gone out the window. Maybe it is different for you as you have control in one venue. My bookies venues offered any number of 'menus' of opportunities, so when I only wanted the starter (say Football ) I ended up staying for the main course and dessert of Horses and Dogs.

I have Lie to Me recorded so I'll get to that at some point (I dont watch single episodes of anything, wait will I have all of them or watch them all online)

I'll allow you to use the Tizzy barometer to judge my happiness from my posts but generally it sways anywhere from 2 out of 10 to 6 out of 10 on any given day.

Just off the chat tonight, had some exchanges with Secret and others re some of the TV progs / box sets we have watched. I mentioned Big Deal from the 80s, do you remember that, it was about gambling with a character called Robby Box, I have mentioned it in my diary years ago, had a big influence on me. Robby didnt work per se, just gambled ( on cards mainly), but when I think back I wanted to be like him 🙂

Captain 

Hey Tizzy

Dont you be putting messaging me ahead of the great Andre Agassi 🙂 The book is superb, I especially like that it is written in the present tense and you feel like you are living with him in the moment. Let me know how you find it as you progress.

e only me posting on your diary, quality over quantity every time!

Agreed re a lot of CGs having similar traits and having knowledge in their field but lack of control and lack of discipline. I know people who only bet on Golf majors so only 4 times a year. Others who bet a couple of times a week on football but have no interest in anything else. These people treat the money they are spending just in the same way that normal people spend money going to the cinema, for a meal etc. Its just a hobby. Yeah they hope to win but hoping is different to needing to win or needing to be in the action constantly and then behaving like a spoilt child when things dont go your way. Too many times I have sat at 1700 on a Saturday when a last minute goal has let my football bet down. I have told my mate my weekends always either took off at 1700 on a Saturday or the weekend was over at that point. Cancelled Saturday nights out, avoided the world on a Sunday. Even when I had my periods of not gambling from 1700 on a Saturday to the Tuesday for the next football bet, I felt awful. Of course I felt even worse when chasing my losses.

But I kept doing it - because the huge buzz when a last minute goal goes your way or a final putt at Golf or point at Tennis results in a big win - never had a feeling like those except when I achieved sporting success myself. Takes so many years to realise that although you have great memories of the big wins, you very rarely do anything with the money, most times it just gives you buzzes of a smaller size till its all gone. At least for my sporting memories I have medals and trophies and memories and nothing of them has been thrown away.

Over the years on here both on diaries and chat, a lot come on and say they are addicts / CGs. As I've probably expressed before, I have a real bee in my bonnet about problem gamblers versus compulsive gamblers. For me there is a huge distinction between the two. Someone who spends most or all of their monthly wage on gambling but still pays the bills / never borrows / never gets into debt *may* be a problem gambler, but effectively they are to some degree choosing to spend their spare income in that way instead of in some other way. They may not actually be out of control. Sure they may want to stop and put blocks in place etc and spend their time and money on other things. But unless they spend their bills money and then get into debt to keep gambling they are not addicts and not CGs. Some even come on and say they are spending a lot of money on gambling but they save money each month and have a savings account! Well for me that just means whatever they are gambling on they dont have much knowledge or experience or are just unlucky that they lose each month continually but that category dont actually have a problem per se. Back off my soap box on that one now 🙂

Gardening at lunchtime today, very hot though. Watching more episodes of 'Before I die' tonight, quite enjoying that. I need a new battery for my phone. It costs £45. I need to get it. Its however just the latest thing in a long list over the years where I avoid it until it feels right. Used to be only buy things after a win. But even then only maintenance and essential things, very rarely something in the 'treat' category. What stops me getting the battery now? Nothing really but my mindset is just engrained to behave that way for so many years. Get it when it feels right, on a relatively good day, maybe on one of the better days at work or after an above average run or gym session. 

If you went to Bingo today hope all was well. I'm at 5 out of 10 on the happy scale today.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Thanks for keeping in touch. Bet you are looking gorgeous after your pampering 😉   How often do you do that?

Sure I agree best for the problem gamblers to seek help before they become compulsive (although some will never become compulsive, its just not in their DNA/nature to go to the point of borrowing money to gamble). But I always try to give any help/direction to anyone I can on the chat and advise them to stop now when they are young and it hasn't really become a big problem yet. There were a few on the chat like that last night. Also one guy who has been on and off the Forum since 2013 with various attempts to stop, he has some similarities to me and realises it can be a lifelong addiction. I've also seen some come on with serious issues and be able to stop for good quickly then report back after being gf for 5 years etc. so no one rule suits all.

Interesting that you get more buzz from online slots, so thats about the medium/venue rather than me getting different buzz types for different events, no matter where I placed the bet (positive for Sports and negative craving for random). o*g 15 hours a day playing slots, I've seriously never heard of anyone gambling for that amount of time. I dont know anything about slots, maybe its more addictive, maybe depends on the person. For me the most amount of time I spent in a bookies was around 4 hours, online around 2 hours, but during those periods on random I found I simply couldn't physically walk out the door / log off. The gambling beast inside me was all consuming - I could only leave/finish when I had won something or lost the lot, too often the latter. One of the worst memories is I borrowed £5k and lost £4k of it in 3 hours at the bookies. I somehow managed to convince myself that evening that still having £1000 was a good thing!  I'd watch sporting events like Tennis and Golf that took around 4 or 5 hours with many ups and downs and continuous buzz but based on one bet in play for that time, not continual staking. 

Going into the bookies these days I'm able to shake my head and reflect and think 'how could I have ever spent all the money and time in here gambling on all this rubbish?' - its a sense check, vital part of my recovery at the moment.

Yeah I've been vaccinated. Was great when the health club re-opened but other than that restrictions being lifted dont affect me really. Other than family visits, I live within a 3 mile radius of my house and only frequent the health club, local shops and the park.

Haven't got the phone battery yet, its operating at 76% of normal so getting worse all the time. Just use the computer more meantime. Will probably get it when I get paid at end of month unless there is a day before then which feels right. Like anyone, stuff happens that I may need to find money for, and the battery isnt top priority but an example of how the gambling head works. Last month the day before payday I had 34p left, hopefully this month a bit better. 

Plans for the weekend  - oh Tizzy I haven't had plans for a weekend as such since the 90s! (seriously). I used to hate people in the office asking what I was doing at the weekend or what I had done. My answer was generally 'not much' and the regulars stopped asking but then it started again when I moved departments or teams. For the record I was happy to share 25 years ago when I was playing football Sat or Sun or both and also in later years when I planned to watch major sporting events or run races but those were maybe 8 events a year, 1 race per month on average so most weekends revolved around gambling, studying and planning for gambling or recovering from gambling and I wasnt sharing that. (Quote from an episode of 'The Sweeney' from years ago - 'He's a working villain, if he's not doing he's planning' - thought that quite apt for the time I spent planning and thinking about gambling). Even when in relationships I generally didnt meet up at weekends as gambling took priority or when we did plan to meet I'd cancel with some excuse when things hadn't gone well.

Haven't been sleeping well either due to the heat. Worst impact is being too tired to do as much as normal at the gym.

I'll end on a positive note that I'm 6 out of 10 today and I feel I'm over the worst in terms of this period of recovery since last October as I've got through all the major sporting events over the course of the year. Complacency is always our biggest enemy and it may not be any easier when they come round again but I have some foundation to build on. I have Monday off as a 'think and get my head straight' day. I have divided my recovery into 3 elements of direction  - I have no general life direction and no financial direction whatsoever and I kind of feel I can only wait and see if anything changes for those elements but I have some non-gambling direction founded since last October.

Hope you enjoy the weekend and look forward to sharing Adulterer and Agassi thoughts.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

On the question of why some gamblers can stay in control and others cant, for some it is just a part time hobby/pastime that takes up a small percentage of their time and there lives are *fulfilled* elsewhere and they wouldn't dream of increasing their time/money gambling when negative life events happen. From my own experience and literally hundreds of conversations with others on here over the years, a lot can identify one or more life event which was key to them moving from normal gambler to problem or compulsive gambler. Could be a death/serious illness of someone close, could be the person themselves is not well, their circumstances change somehow. Their world changes. They need something to help them cope. Could be medication. Or drink. Or drugs. Or gambling. Depends on the person and which drug will help dull the pain.

For me it has been a combination of: (in chronological order):

a. Having my own house and having to pay mortgage / bills etc. for the first time and having the thought 'I can win money each month to cover these'. Before this I just paid some money each month to my parents and my money in the bank increased by default without having to 'put money aside'. I had all I needed, bought clothes. went out socialising etc. I wasnt prepared for life with a mortgage and bills and money suddenly being tight.

b. Less and less involvement in competitive sport due to injuries and getting older. I turned more and more to gambling to replace the buzz. 

c. Changing jobs one which I found it extremely difficult to cope with amid a lot of stress and boredom and not fitting in

There was a member on here years ago called Stumper who had the mantra 'I cannot win because I cannot stop' - this I always took to mean continuous play irrespective of being up or down. Maybe your quoted 15 hours a day of play is a example of this. But maybe if you played for 30 mins or an hour and were winning you would just quit for the day?

For myself I would change Stumper's mantra to 'I cannot win because I cannot *accept loss*. I have vary rarely been in situations where during a 'session' I am winning then proceed to lose my winnings. I'm fine when I'm winning but on days when I was losing, I lost the lot. I could not accept a losing day. I know you can relate to this. Must be in our genes? I have a number of self-help statements and phrases which I try to abide by not just for gambling recovery but for life in general. But one of them is 'Winning is everything, 2nd is nowhere' - thats part of who I am. When the football guys take off their runners-up medals immediately after being presented with them, I'm with them. Runner-up medals meant nothing to me. Spent the next week or more analysing what went wrong, why we/I didnt win. In some of my better times of abstaining from random gambling, I could lose on sports and find myself able to focus on the next sporting event in a few days time. I could accept loss for a change. Those were my best periods of success. 

But on random sessions whether in the bookies or online, when losing, I lost all sense of perspective and found myself placing just silly bets on almost anything. The logical brain of studying form and placing a bet on the horse/dog I thought most likely to win was replaced by ''****, I'm £1000 down, I'll stick £200 on this 5/1 shot to get my money back, then another £200, etc etc. A sane, intelligent man suddenly stats behaving like an imbecile. 

Agreed there are many people worse off than us and that is something I try to think of often particularly on not so good days. Went for a run this morning, first cardio type exercise since Wednesday as I've been too tired with not sleeping due to the heat. Ran 6k. Very hot.

Enjoy the barbecue.

Captain