My journey..

Hi Tizzy

Hope the headache got better and your family eventually arrived.

Just finished last 2 episodes of Roadkill, was excellent but there was sufficient content for around 8 episodes rather than 4, last episode was a bit crammed. Read that there is another series planned. Looked up Night Manager but its not on Iplayer now.

Agreed re the advertising, can see how people can get sucked in. ( I was sucked in long before online and advertising though!) My 'favourite' slogan they used was 'Theres nothing virtual about a winner' - which I gleefully quoted to others in the bookmakers after managing to get winners on Virtual racing, another example of being outgoing and talkative when winning and saying nothing to anyone when losing. On the reverse of that slogan, I have often quoted 'Theres nothing virtual about a bank loan, an overdraft etc."

Glad you didnt succumb to joining another site. Its probably to do with being away - you will be missing the buzz of the bingo and land slots - seemed like that was keeping you 'grounded' and away from online while at home. What things are there when you have been away which have given you any kind of (non-gambling) buzz? We know other buzz types dont replace but they can help us through the days.

On 'just once more', cant recall that ever being a problem sexually 😉 , but for sure a big problem when chasing losses, always thinking the next bet could be the one which recouped the loss from that day or even reduced it but you know the story, all too often the loss amount increased, sometimes to losing everything. 

Enjoy your weekend.

Captain

Thanks for the note Tizzy

Hope you enjoyed your meal.

Coffee was good but it wasnt Nescafe 😉

Captain 

Welcome home Tizzy!

I've been the same sometimes on return from holidays over the years irrespective of how good they were, can be just a break from the normal routine, change of scenery, you think in different ways, provides an escape from the usual etc. and coming home and having to press the reset button. Sometimes when you are away you can take decisions on things and decide on a way forward, some people have a clearer head when away from home. Of course some holidays have been affected by gambling ( had to come home early when I lost all my money was worst, booked the same place again for later in the year while there on a holiday where I had a successful time).

Good to hear re the Gamban. How are you feeling about going back to Bingo/land slots - huge urges/ cravings / counting the days while away, or relaxed about it?

I found another 4 part drama called Strike last night on iplayer, watched the first episode, quite good. Noted Deceit for Friday also on review of my TV Guide.

Yeah still pleased about Saturday, agreed it was a big step. Everyone has their own levels of impact of this addiction and need to be taken in context, but 2 counsellors told me that it was embedded in my life more than anyone else they had known and I think they were being honest as I described the longevity of it and how much time I spent studying/planning/reviewing etc. as well as actually gambling so I'm not gonna go through all the steps of this phase of my recovery overnight.

Work still fairly quiet just now in comparison to last few months which were hectic.

Think we are onto guilty pleasure confessions with your Love Island and my X Factor 😉  Here's a gambling confession which might surprise - although my area is Sports I've never had any interest at all in Cricket and therefore never bet on it despite it being one of the most popular sports in this country.

Speak again soon.

Captain 

Hey Tizzy

Dont ever let me say work is quiet again! After a few quiet days, today was so hectic I ended up doing a 12 hour day...which means my evening is all running rather later than normal. Shaping up for the rest of the week to be busy too.

Can understand you looking forward to the slots of course. Before online when I was on holiday abroad or in remote places without bookmakers, I used to put on a football bet in advance before going away to 'keep me going'. Every day while away I would look at the coupon receipt and each selection and convince myself they were all going to win and that helped my holiday mood irrespective of whether the break was good or not.

Description of Strike correct, intended watching more tonight but not to be.

Juicy confessions - think they are for a different Forum lol 😉  re Cricket, I've just never liked it at all, found it boring tbh so if I have no interest in watching, I have no knowledge and therefore didnt bet on it. You mentioned Casinos, that is probably the only gambling I can say I have profited from. But like you just been there for meals and played the tables when there, maybe about 25 times ever but definitely won more than I lost. But never felt a great attraction for it such that I'd go regular.

Getting dark now as I type, got the lamp on, first time for months. I prefer dark nights to light.

I didnt fail as I didnt attempt to succeed 

Captain 

Afternoon coffee break post Tizzy 🙂  Thanks for the note last night.

I'm thinking I maybe have a new hobby - this tune came on earlier and I thought maybe I could change the lyrics of songs to be gambling related so here goes:

I've got Gamban on (I've got gamban on)

Where's the gambling gone? (Where's the gambling gone?)

Far far away

Far far away

Last night I heard my Tizzy singing this song

Ooo ee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep

Land slots only now the online has gone

Ooo ee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep

Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep chirp

Are you dancing 😉

Captain 

Hey Tizzy 

Your singing cant be as bad as mine believe me 🙂 Been a long time since I sang but guarantee it won't have got any better!

Just off the chat, no conversation for me to contribute to tonight, thats fine, that happens sometimes, I can just read other stuff online and track the chat to see if anything comes up.

Although you lost today you are up overall since quitting online and you are staying in control so thats the main thing. Yes we all get days when we aren't the best, gambling related or not. As you know I flit between a 2 out of 10 up to a 6 at the most, thankfully been mostly 5 and 6 recently but thats as much to do with bad decisions in life and reflecting as it is gambling, although some connection between the two.

Coronation Street - not for me, only soap I watch is Eastenders. Back to normal work day today and watched another episode of Strike earlier. Didnt realise until today there are 4 series and I'm watching the most recent one as thats all thats available on Iplayer. Would need to buy DVDs of the first 3.

I dont have many late nights but might join you for your early one - tired after the long day yesterday.

Sweet dreams

Captain 

Morning Tizzy 

Up early and nothing came in ‘overnight’ so you get an early post today (some people work in evenings so I sometimes have stuff to do immediately in the morning but not today ).

Yesterday I was back down at 4 out of 10, no specific reason. Read self help stuff and Stone of Life last night, keeps me grounded. Focused on how anxious I used to feel when in-between gambling events i.e. when sticking to a plan and knowing next event a few days away but itching to bet and pacing up and down, looking at other ‘opportunities’ and having to force myself hard not to do anything, not to go to bookies, not a great way to function. Keeping Strike for Saturday as only 2 episodes to go. 

Sorry to hear about your Dad, hope he improves and is able to get back to being his normal self. I see older guys at the Health club and their conversations are all about their aches and pains and operations etc. Wonder if that’s what I’m coming to in future. All credit to them for doing light exercise and swimming. I’d certainly always want to do some form of exercise, whatever I’m able to do.  I look around and there is definitely no-one else my age working out to the same level I do at the moment ?

On the driving, well done, years ago my wife rarely drove and eventually gave up. She was a decent driver but didn’t like it and was a bundle of nerves driving with me in the car and I was on tenderhooks always concerned she would crash ‘my’ car ?

Coffee cupcakes and banofie pie, well you are spoiling me now ?. The cheesecake has been back on the menu this week Yes, strawberry this time.

Have a good day.

Captain 

Afternoon Tizzy - can you cope with a 2nd post from me in one day 😉 

Having something to look forward to is a big deal in my life so we are alike that way - mostly it has been gambling related for years, subsequent to having to stop playing football and not being as competitive in races. In more recent times, a boxset episode which I 'cant wait' to see, but none in that category at the moment, so classifying Strike as a bit better than ok 🙂  Actually coping without a lot to look forward to is one of the most difficult aspects of my current recovery stage.

And Yes I am very competitive  - think I quoted before but one of my Stone Of Life mottos is 'Winning is everything, 2nd is nowhere' so lack of competitive sport resulted in more competitive gambling.

Was married for 18 years, gambling contributed to the split but there were other factors too. Gambling contributed to other splits and other friend and family relationships more greatly overall. Surprised you havent been married, was kinda par for the course for 'our generation'.

 I'm worst person to give judgement in that area given my track record of 'straying' and having an affair - a lot wouldn't agree but my view is that if someone 'cheats' ( dont really like that word) , just to get some 'extra' then I dont go with that but if the existing relationship isnt fulfilling/working in whatever way then its kinda natural to look elsewhere (and for me, to do so doesn't necessarily mean the existing relationship is over), the extra marital/other relationship could be fun, good memories, temporary and have no harm done. Making myself stop typing here as I could write a chapter on this, and I really dont think there are many relationships where both partners stay loyal throughout and without having the 'open relationship' agreement, I think a lot more do and accept than what people think  !!

To keep all of this in context of gambling for anyone else reading - gambling can totally ruin good relationships so if you have a problem which is affecting your OH / family, act now and do something about your gambling before its too late.

Back to work, 

Captain 

Sorry tizzy, I did come on your diary to see how your doing but kind of taken aback a lil by captains 'enjoy your bingos and slots'..! Rather inappropriate to say the least.

Hope your well anyway

Stace

Hi Tizzy

Unfortunate that some of our dialogue on posts have not been well received by others. Agreed we have become friends and perhaps forgetting that anyone else can read what we write. I have been always trying to keep posts at least 50% focused on gambling recovery alongside our other general banter. I feel our general banter is helpful in our recoveries.

However I dont know if you did also but I got an email from Forum Admin on Forum etiquette advising that my last post had been edited and asking me to question why I am on the Forum (reading that to mean my/our posts are too much off topic and that my support for your chosen recovery path isnt agreeable to others). So we need to keep solely focused on gambling recovery or my/our posts will be on moderation for review by Forum Admin and I/you could be banned if posts continue to not be within Forum etiquette rules. ( I have past experience of being on moderation ).

I have replied to Forum Admin to apologise and provide some opinion on context.

Staying in today, shutting myself away. Going out last Saturday felt right but today it doesn't.

Glad you enjoyed the pampering. Now you are making me shortbread alongside coffee cupcakes and Banoffie pie- wow - I'll be putting on weight 🙂

Have a good day.

Captain

Thanks for popping on my diary, I hope your recovery is going well

Lou x

Morning Tizzy

Thanks for the hugs and send some back (although if Forum etiquette taken literally I'm not sure we are allowed to send each other hugs).

My interaction with the Forum has definitely had a negative effect on my life and my recovery this weekend. (Through reading other posts and joined chat last night). But I'll bounce back.

Agreed there have been positive comments from other members who have enjoyed our banter. But in last couple of days there have also been negative inflammatory posts (which have been subsequently edited by Forum Admin).

Can appreciate with a number of different moderators and a high number of posts there cannot always be complete consistency of approach, however whilst fully accepting that the nature of a couple of our comments broke etiquette rules (for which we have apologised ), I'm not sure why our general conversation mixed with gambling recovery is frowned upon.

In comparison it seems to be ok for some others to join chat / update their diaries with nothing more than a story of their everyday lives and no mention of gambling recovery other than the odd note of how many days they are gambling free. Also ok for some others to mention things which could trigger gambling activity without moderator intervention. I'd take the view that *anything* that helps someone recover from this disease should not be looked upon negatively but there has to be consistency and fair application of etiquette rules.

Really not sure at the moment if I can say any more to you than ' Well done on your continued abstinence from online gambling, keep up the good work' but hopefully all this will blow over as I do enjoy corresponding with you, think we have much in common and are helping each other's recovery journeys.

Captain 

Dear Captain,

We are sorry to read that you have not found the Forum helpful this weekend.

We do understand that members do not always agree with their posts being edited, however, we do have a duty to ensure the Forum remains a safe space for all members and that its purpose is to focus mainly on their recovery journey.

It is acceptable to talk about everyday life events in your recovery, however, we do ask that these topics remain appropriate.

We always endeavor to have a consistent approach, and we are sorry if you feel that this has not the case.

Please do keep posting, and we wish you well with your journey.

Best wishes,

Ed

Forum Admin

Hi Tizzy

Just firstly to note that Forum Admin wrote to me on your diary above which you may have already read.

Dont feel bad - we are both equally to 'blame' if that is the right word. (As before, acknowledge the mis-use of specific wording, more generally still grey areas on content allowed in comparison with other diaries)

Although over the years I have spent much time reading and responding on diaries, during my current 'phase' on here I havent done much of that at all, just an odd post to someone after meeting them in chat and an odd post on my own diary, until our regular comms more recently. I only saw comments about us on other diaries after being 'led' there following reading a couple of posts on your diary. Best to avoid looking.

Sorry that your shopping trip wasnt successful. Some shops have limited merchandise at the moment and you cant always get that you want. Yes for me that outcome was expected and perhaps inevitable but I was happy to support your chosen path in the same way I have supported many others on theirs over the years. Unlike some on here, I dont subscribe to the 'one size fits all' philosophy, partly due to my own experiences but also partly due to my understanding of the wide range of types and impacts and approaches to this addiction. If someone wants to buy a scratchcard or lottery ticket and that has never caused them a problem and they can do that without it leading back to their area of addiction, then fine by me. Appreciate some people think that any form of 'gambling' is out if you are an addict and respect their opinion. For me personally, I've never bought a scratchcard or lottery ticket with any expectation of winning and neither of those has ever given me any buzz and I dont regard them as gambling. Different if someone is buying them in 10s or 20s. (For the record I've maybe bought 20 scratchcards ever and those were people in the office selling them to raise funds. I used to do the lottery regular when it first came along but stopped doing it a few years ago, nothing to do with gambling, just drifted away from it)

Totally get how you feel just now. I've had many sleepless nights. My 2/10 days are often based on having nothing to look forward to, some of that relates to gambling, some to general life. Not gambling leaves a huge void, for some more than others. Depends how long you have been gambling, what other pleasures you have in life, your general circumstances etc etc. I think the best way to plug the gap is to focus continually on the negatives and bad memories. Granted we find it hard to do that. People say the longer you dont gamble the less it impacts you and your life and finances improve. Great for people in that situation and I'm pleased for them but again back to the 'one size fits all' - doesn't work like that - some people still get urges and want to gamble for a long time, some people can sort finances relatively quickly, for others it takes a very long time.

Agreed the sadness isnt about money lost - maybe for a day or two people think that - but Yes its about not being able to participate  - not being 'in the action', getting the buzz, or having no ammunition to shoot. There's a craving inside us that just wants and needs it, irrespective of how much we think about the negative aspects. But we need to learn to live without it, when the urge comes each day or however frequently, find ways to swat it away, learn techniques, go to certain places, do certain things, read material, meditate, do whatever it takes not to succumb. If you are serious about your new chosen path, thats how it has to be.

The shopping centre has closed, lets say due to the pandemic. Your favourite shop isnt there any more so you cannot eat that cake.

Sorry to read that re Federer and Yes you should start reading Agassi. Really not sure if we are ok to mention them though or if it contravenes the rules.

Keep writing and we can confirm boundaries.

Captain 

Morning Tizzy

GA promote only one route of recovery. It wasnt for me but if it works for some then great, they should do it. Most members on here subscribe to complete abstinence. We cant argue with the stats and the experience that complete abstinence is the best way. But I'll continue to support you and any others who want my support in whatever journey they choose. And to quote Forum Admin:

Just to clarify, the GamCare forum is for anyone who is concerned or affected by problem gambling, whether they're working towards abstinence, reducing their gambling, or just considering whether their gambling is problematic.

So you went Shopping again. How many pairs of shoes does a woman need ?? 😉  I have been where you are - I had someone lending me money because they cared for me, they wanted to see me happy. I intended to pay them back. It didnt happen. Eventually the debt was agreed to be written off. It hasn't affected the persons life at all (they would confirm that). But it is a cloud above my head which will always be there. 

You resolved not to borrow any more from OH. You resolved to pay back a certain amount each month. I'd say keep to that. Do you want to be in a position a few years from now where you owe 5 times the amount you do now and then be like me and agree to have it written off? That's the possibility....

If I am your priest and I ask the question 'Does God condone gambling?' well my experience is that if he does, he only condones it with your own money. I have *never* made progress from borrowed money. Over my various more 'successful' periods, where I have paid back loans, it has been with my own money and being able to stick to a known method and plan.

Sure any 'hobby' like Shopping gives a person something to look forward to, makes the world a better place, allows us to cope with things better. At times my participation has allowed me to do my job better, be a better and more considerate person to friends and family and run faster. But there are downsides and penalties - it has also meant some working days being written off, letting friends and family down badly, cancelling appointments and having negative impact on my health and well being. (And note all of those negatives are without mentioning financial).

Lets say looking after your Grandson gives you happiness, contentment, fulfilment, a buzz of a different kind. The gambling buzz cannot be replaced, but an alternative to buzz can be contentment and peace. Being with a certain person, visiting a favourite place, looking out at a great view from a hilltop or a beach, taking time to appreciate the positives you have in your life, being appreciative of what the natural world gives us.

Buying more shoes is fine if you reduce the amount of pairs you have already. Finding the right balance between buying shoes and buzz and contentment and peace is key.

Watched millionaire too. Thanks for the note re new drama.

'Whats past is prologue, the future can be bright'

Captain