My life is in tatters

Hi all,

Firstly I apologize if this post goes on a bit. I haven't got anyone to talk to and need to get this off my chest as I feel my head is going too explode.

I have been gambling for around 4 years. My addiction is online slots and over the time i have spent thousands, I couldn't even put a figure on it but I have gambled most days for four years so whatever the sum its to much and effected my families life. This month though seems by far the worse its ever been. My partner lost his job last month, I only work part time as i have two small children so to lose his income has been a major blow. Despite all this I have continued to gamble when we should be counting every penny. We have next to nothing to live on and its almost spurred the gambling on more as in my sick twisted head I thought if only I could win a little bit it would make this month a little easier, it has enevitably made it worse and now I have a string of payday loans that will take half my wage next month, my wage being the only money we have to live on whilst my partner isn't working. The only money we have is 100 to last us for the next two weeks and we need to get food, petrol and everything out of this. The guilt of the past few years is literally eating me alive. My partner had a good job that we should of been able to live on comfortably but instead I have gambled the lot. I feel so tired all the time and feel sleep it is the only space I don't feel this pain anymore. My partner blames me and I totally understand why he is made at me. Lately we are arguing all the time, i refuse to let the arguments happen in front of the kids so I bring myself upstairs so they don't see but this has been a pattern for such a long time I feel I am losing precious time with my children. I know my trigger is stress and that is when I gamble the most, locked away in the bedroom when the kids are asleep. Our relationship is in tatters and our finances stretched to the limit. Aside from the financial mess I dread to think how many hours I have spent gambling and the time I have lost to this terrible affliction. I have no one to talk to apart from my partner and the emotions are far to raw to achieve anything from the talks we do have, the financial situation to great to climb out from. I have been seeing a counsellor once a week which does help get this off my chest but I still continue to gamble so it isn't having the desired effect and I probably aren't as honest as I should be when I am face to face. I know that gambling is only a small part of the problem and there are many other things in my life I feel powerless to control that lead me back to it.

Sorry for rambling on I just am doing anything at present to try to ease the pressure I am feeling. I wish you all well with this awful affliction

Sosad