NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hey Signalman,
Something that helped me over the past few weeks has been the After Gambling Podcast. There is 36 episodes on there giving advice and has said has really helped me alot. You have to keep yourself busy as well man, I relapsed for the third time a month ago, the first week I couldn't stop thinking about the money I'd lost (the most i'd ever lost) and what I could have done with it etc etc, I felt hopeless, foolish, weak, I had suicidal thoughts. A month later now I am in much a better place, I have put in place all stops to insure I can't gamble again, and I have learnt now that money can be replaced over time, friendship/relationships and time can't. Time is a great healer I find.

Thanks all. I will take on board the advice and keep plugging away. Don't know what this morning was about. I think yesterday my boy wanted an ice cream and I had to decline him with a tear in my eye... Probably explained going to bed feeling the way I did and waking up so low as well.

Managed to keep busy today and that took my mind away from negativity. Took the boy swimming and he had a ball. My best mate came over today... He has been away until now. Told him everything. Was harrowing to relive it all but now another ally gained in my fight against all this so well worth it.

You know what... Its not about the money really. When I visit GA groups I meet people who without saying it outright have clearly parted with far more funds than I have thanks to this horrible psychological trap. However they are HAPPY. They seem reborn... Serene. They are selfless people. Caring. Compassionate.

That's all I'm after right now. I just want to feel like them. I would like to put 'again' at the end of that sentence but I cant. That's the bit that is cutting me deep. I was never happy with the person I was before and yes this is a chance to rebuild in such a way that I can activate the better parts of my persona... Its just that currently the selfish, greedy, petulant aspects of my persona still rule the roost and I wish they would just go away.

Today I started to realise just how long this reformation is going to take. I guess that's why I got myself in a hole.

Next time I'll buy the boy an ice cream and cycle to college instead of catching the bus that day to make up the expense. I can only set myself free from gambling if I stop letting it dictate my actions, thoughts and feelings.

Gambling won't be on my Christmas card list put it that way :o)

Anyway day 23 done. 24 bring it on. Great to hear from you as always Alan and cheers for the podcast tip lewy. I'll check that out.

Apologies for the pessimism earlier in the day all. I'm working on that...

Day 24. Up and at em today. Need to make good my mornings and set myself up for a good day. Slept well that helps. Will spend the day with my son. Great way to make myself feel good and keep gambling at bay.

Good luck all.

Feeling resilient this morning... Perhaps after talking to my friend last night.

d**n... Mood has dipped considerably out of nowhere... Must stay strong and keep busy.

Good day but had a bust up with the wife later in the day. I thought I was in the right for a while then conceded that regardless if I am or not I need to apologise. She said she is feeling tired today and angry. She has started to talk through what I've done with our mutual friend... I'm guessing confronting the issues has brought out her anger at the situation and the heartache I've caused... Which is fair enough of course. Wish I had more capacity to support her emotionally when she feels like this but most of my energy is spent getting myself through the day. Gambling has sapped me of so many things... Compassion, selflessness and my integrity which is probably the worst of of them all to lose.

I don't know why she bothers to stay with me. But she's still here so I thank my lucky stars for that.

I think we've moved into a phase where the dust has started to settle and the destruction lies in the wake of the ****storm, plain for us both to see now. Its a bitter pill to swallow for both of us. Must stick together.

Day 25. Not out. Beating myself up and also have urges. Stupid stupid urges. Anyway... Confident I'll be ok today. Good luck all.

The strangest thing happened. I swapped over at work with someone I don't often see. He asked me how I was. I went on a ramble about having no money and life just feeling like one ongoing circle of disappointment... He looked me in the eye and said "you know if you stop gambling - life will be easier".

I was a bit shocked and made my excuses and left the building. In the car I realised that I had always been an accident waiting to happen. He was making a joke of course but it dawned on me that leading up to this whenever I've seen him I ALWAYS talk to him about bets and gambling... Even though I know he has no interest and he stopped gambling a long time ago. He must have made his mind up about me a long time ago and that's why he made that joke.

For the first time I admitted I am a compulsive gambler but I'm not just paying lip service to that statement anymore.

Today I will not gamble (or talk about it to anyone that gives me time of day) I feel humbled by what just happened.

Ah man... Why do I keep arguing with my wife? I can't seem to keep my mouth shut and emotions in check... I need to stop, think, compose myself and respond accordingly! Easier said then done! #:o(

Firstly - it's good to be back.

Last night had a deep chat with my wife. I realised that I have no control over the arguing with her (which she doesn't deserve) if I am going to continue hating myself for what I've done - also dawned on me that I start a lot of the arguments due to my compulsive nature being directed elsewhere now gambling is not in my life anymore. Once I channel this energy positively things will be better.

I'm trying to take back control of my future and my family's by forgiving myself for my sins. All thoughts of gambling again will then fall by the wayside. Character rebuilding is the focus now... Not what I've done or ingenious ways to win money back.
I am so lucky that I pressed self-destruct BUT the foundations remain in tact and there is scope to repair and make good again (over time). For those of you who read my diary before its like the wall outside my house that took a bash... Its damaged but still standing and still functioning and we can repair that... In fact we can make it better than it was before.

Gambling to me now is like rolling a dice that only goes 1-5 and hoping for a 6. Gambling made me hate myself and that wasn't getting me anywhere... Now gambling has opened the door to knowing myself and positive evolution from here on in... The 'struggle to cope' won't come into it anymore.

Work up early today. Felt good. The future is bright.

For anyone out there who is struggling... If you can forgive yourself you're halfway there. Then work on getting to know yourself - you've met the darker sides of your nature... Now make time and space to let the light into your life.

The change you are yearning for is the light pushing to be set free into your life. So it is there, in all of us. Set it free. Live. This is what I need to keep telling myself and pushing myself to do.
I remain gamble free since 29.8.18 - sometimes winning, occasionally losing when I don't http://take.my&source=gmail&ust=1538767666940000&usg=AFQjCNHAnqEb8CjFwqiLtazJ40sDAq7Cv w" href="https://take.my/" target="_blank">take my own advice - but I'm hanging in there and that's all that matters day to day.

Also just wanted to say the after gambling podcast I was recommended on my diary has been a SENSATIONAL find. It has offered me so much wisdom and acted as a forcefield to gambling thoughts and urges.... It has become an integral part of my recovery. Without finding it I wouldn't be anywhere near as optimistic as I am now - it has helped to exorcise a lot of the gambling demons that were getting back into my head over the last few weeks. The guy speaks with such frankness and honesty... Perhaps because he is an addict in recovery so he can speak from the heart. He is so on-point with everything that he says - almost like he is speaking to you personally. I must say with the forum being down and having time between GA - without it I'd either be moodswinging, gambling again or obsessing about money and winning it back. The podcast has helped me to address all those woes. Can't recommend it enough.

In fact I'm in such a good place after listening to those podcasts that the mental health team rang to book me in for bi-polar testing and after a long chat I was able to discharge myself. I have lived in a state of addictive sedation all of my adult life... Time for a change - I am who I am and no amount of lithium will change that, it will merely serve as another form of sedation to me. I am who I am but I can be a better version of myself... As the podcast states the opposite of addiction is connection so I can achieve this through GA, speaking to you guys, being open and honest with friends that now know my situation and lastly (most importantly) rebuilding the relationship with my wife based on trust, honesty and companionship. We can be friends again like old times before we got married and I started living covertly and in isolation. When I need her I will go to her and vice-versa. No secrets.

re the money - **** it to be honest. Work a bit of overtime, shop at Aldi, wife has control of all finances now and we still have our assets (thank God I caught this early) so the debt will dwindle down and eventually disappear if I stay on this path. May take time but I'm not in a rush to make things happen anymore. If one pulls their head out of their **** and enjoys all the great things life has to offer beyond addiction then you want every day to last as long as possible right?? #:o)
By the time the debt disappears I would have gained so much more in character and experience than that money could have ever bought.

Anyway Aldi food is not that bad after all and it's half the price of Sainsbury's for a weekly shop. Although the brands are unfamiliar the quality is there. The fruit and veg are a bit of a dud though (no shelf life). Anyway just offering practical advice to anyone like me gave it all away (**** pot and all) to gambling.

I went into Sainsbury's late last night for a final hurrah... And to buy milk and bread. I queued behind a man who was buying 2 loaves of reduced bread and a reduced stick of celery. He looked unkept and angry. Judging by his food selection, appearance and demeanour I felt sure he was a gambler but one who is still fighting the battle alone and without help. He kept his earphones in throughout (classic gambler isolation tactics). He shouted at the cashier when she offered him a bag for 5p - saying he didn't need their overpriced bags.

Our eyes eventually met and I could see the pain in his eyes. I wonder what he saw in mine... pain or purity. Who knows but what I reckon is that I saw in him what I could have become without help and he saw in me what he could become with help. I would never have recognised another gambler in the light of day before entering recovery. Now I see them... Even some friends or people I know from work are blatantly struggling with it... But before I had no empathy, compassion and lived an insular life so didn't see because I didn't give a **** about anyone but myself and my world. All that is about to change friends....

Keep up the fight friends. We are winning. Even if you think you're not, you are. And if all else fails... Shop at Aldi.

Eh hem, you kept this quiet young man 😉

I think there’s talk of a sphere of Chocolate missing from this thread!

Yeah sorry now the forum is back on everything from the last week just came out in one big splurge... Had a lot of posts to make up for! Ha ha

But yeah ultimately in a good place for now. Will build from here. Thanks as always for the support you have offered.

Focus for now is keep working on myself and being a good father and husband. All else can wait for a bit.

Hi signalman, I will copy and paste my reply to you on my diary, just in case you miss it. I have read your diary and just one bit of advice if I may, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get this book, it is truly transformational and a game changer. N.B. If you like, you can create a temporary email address and post it on my diary, I will send you this book.

No problem signalman, a great book that takes willpower needed to break the addiction of gambling out of the equation, add the fact that the gambling industry is merely trying to con us to take our money, then it all makes sense. I mean when was the last time you saw an advert on the TV about gambling featuring someone walking out of the bookies or casino in a zombie state or doing the walk of shame after a big loss, never. However, the true reality is that is what happens over and over again.

It’s just a clear and logical method that millions have used around the world and kept away from gambling for good.

Shaun

Hi there,

It’s nice to see some back in the site been following your progress and you’ve been doing really well.

I’d just like to thank for mention the after gambling podcast I’ve listened to about 10 today thought they was very good and worth a listen.

KTF

Oldhamktf wrote:

Hi there,

It’s nice to see some back in the site been following your progress and you’ve been doing really well.

I’d just like to thank for mention the after gambling podcast I’ve listened to about 10 today thought they was very good and worth a listen.

KTF

Hey Oldham

Thanks for checking in on me. Much appreciated. Thanks for the support. I think support is something I will always need. And I'm humble enough to admit that now... That's the difference.

Yeah the podcasts have really helped me turn things around... The guy hosting is not only speaking from experience but has worked on himself so much since his addiction and is sharing his wealth of knowledge with those who need it most... Which is commendable.

As you venture further into the podcasts you'll find interviews with fellow addicts which are most powerful + so many ways and means to redress the unbalance in your life which led you to gambling. Plus the psychological blocks he describes to help you keep gambling at bay I think are gold dust. I'm glad the podcasts are working for you.