NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Thank you man. I really do hope you stay in touch on my diary... And I really hope you have a fantastic year ahead. Keep up the fight.

Happy New Year to you Signalman!

Just to confirm that I did own and enjoy World League Soccer on the Amstrad.

But nothing compared to Euroboss (which is identical) https://cpcrulez.fr/GamesTest/euro_boss.htm

Best wishes,

Markman

Hey Mark!

Happy new year to you as well! Heres to 2019 being a great one, full of joy as we take back our lives one day at a time!

Man euroboss looks like it would have been right up my street! You just reminded me about having to shut down and reload the tape to replay games if a cup final or other significant game didn't go your way (mum would call for dinner so I would go eat while the tape loaded again) ( and yes I admit I was a dastardly cheat when it came to stuff like that)... Always looking for a shortcut to success - that's me :o)

Probably has some bearing on how/why I ended up a gambling casualty :o) when will I ever learn eh?

Happy New Year Signalman! Just reading about your game escapades... I was, and still am, a big video game fan... wonder how many of us on here are or were...

Hey Lil,

Haven't had a chance to look at your diary today - but hope you're going strong!

Been thinking about the money today... when it crosses my mind the recovery cogs seems to stop turning and everything comes to a halt. Regret, pain, anger, resentment - they all manifest.

But you know I never gambled for the money - for me it was a temporary escape from reality and the pressures of life. Life was often intolerable for me and this form of addiction gave me respite. I trust in the wisdom of others so am sure the money will come back in the end (if I just stay on this path) - I need to let go of my attachment to the money, the lack of it now is not a symbol of my failure... In fact today at breakfast I chased my son around the house with a fireman's hat on. This is not something I would've done months ago - I'd be too busy gambling on my phone at the breakfast table. My wife was proud of me, my son was elated with the game we were playing.

This moment was just a glimpse of what my life could be or will be like if I stay on this path. Living in the present - tolerating my existence and moreover, even taking enjoyment from it. Combine that with the future potential of one day having money in my pocket to offer security for my family again and I'll be in a formidable position... and consequently so will my family. They'll have me back in my full glory. This recovery process is magical in that respect - it helps to devolve the power of gambling and in turn forces you to seek out the magic and enjoyment that can be found in real life instead.

So the money was not a pounds and pence thing for me, it was just the vessel to seek out my addiction with. Today's glimpse of living and enjoying the present moment got my recovery cogs turning again. I got to hang in there and these moments will become periods and eventually long passages of time!

Stay strong all... if anyone is thinking about money today take it from me, there are so many moments in life which are priceless and cannot be brought with money. Seek them out.

Hey sig.
Great post. I can associate with what you say about not gambling for the money! At the start it probably was, in my youth I wanted more money. But for the last 20 years it's been an escape. The last week has been an eye opener for me and I have made myself think about the past and the cause of my gambling. I know the last 4 years gambling, which have been the worst gambling I've ever done, was an escape from me thinking I had lost my daughter. I tried to punish myself by gambling, the thing that had ultimately caused my relationship to fail! I know it was not about money, I was using it to distract myself from my true feelings. Getting lost in gambling seemed to take the pain away. I would lose thousands but would not care and still be full of smiles. Money has not meant anything to me for so long it will be nice to have some one day! Hearing your child laugh or when they tell you they love you is something money can't buy. Hold on to they moments. You are doing the right thing...when a negative thought comes into your mind, fill the void with 2 positive ones! Well done soldier.
Ps, I had a zx spectrum! Loading the game and hearing that noise and then it crashing probably turned me to the gambling to!!!

Hey, I have just been reading some of your posts and have found them very thought provoking. I have just had a relapse after 53 days clean and I feel like the world is caving in on me and it wasn’t even a lot of money. As you it is not about the money, it’s the escape from the stresses of day to day life, I can lose myself in gambling and become numb to everything around me. The reality is I have an amazing life, I have a good job, an amazing partner and daughter so I don’t need this escape. I have managed to get myself in about £5k of debt over the past year which I am determined to pay off this year. Reading your posts has given me some encouragement again to crack back on and beat this. From tomorrow I am going to try and be the best man I can be for my partner, my daughter and myself. I hope you are Good

Thank you all for your posts. I have responded to you all individually and some others that I came across on the way.

ALN - not sure if you will ever read this but I will miss you immensely. I take back what I said about smashing a glass over your head if we ever went for a drink. Instead I'd buy you drinks all night as token of my appreciation for all that you've done for me. But of course we would have to plan a pub trip on a night when the football isn't being shown wouldn't we ;o) look after yourself first and foremost mate. All us other buggers in recovery are secondary to your own.

That's me done for this week. Catch up with y'all in a weeks time I guess (life much improved since releasing myself from the daily addiction of gamcare and limiting myself to weekly interaction, although I will jump on here during when I feel weak or am flailing)

You'll probably see me here sooner than a week then :o) hopefully not. Take care all.

Hi S,

Thanks for your post on my thread, in honestly there could be a few reasons I gamble, I have always suffered with a level of anxiety, I lost my father when I was 20 very suddenly and ever since then I really threw myself into gambling. I did gamble before he died I just got really bad afterwards. It really is not about money for me, it’s a distraction from life, as you will know it can give you a great adrenaline rush but it can also put you on the lowest of lows. It really is time for me to jump off this rollercoaster and get GF. I am going to be coming on here daily just to write a little update on my day. That way I can use it as a kind of insensitive not to gamble each day.

I have set up gamstop and self excluded from every place I could think of. Land based never bothered me (bizarre really) I suppose you can be secluded when you are at home on your own.

Thanks for your post

Take care

Hello Signalman. What an absolutely brilliant response you wrote to Lil. Heartfelt and spot on as ever. Do you not feel ready to graduate to the "Success Stories" section yet. You have certainly earned your place, good luck.

Thanks for your last post on my diary. Only just seen it.

Hi Worv,

Sent you a response.

Sapphira -

Fantastic as always to hear from you... I hope you're ok.
Would love to be a success story one day but for now I'm just a moodswinging CG picking up the pieces after his latest blow out. I don't have much to show for my story yet apart from displaying infallible survival skills... Which I already knew I had. No urges to gamble for now, but lots and lots of work to do in other areas of my life before this story becomes a success... Gambling has cut me open and all is plain to see now... Must keep working on the repair job. This car ain't going to be back on the road any time soon... :o) (I know you love your analogies so there's one to keep you going) ;o)

Unbelievable really... :o(

Took cat to vet today. Turns out his illness is probably terminal and his kidneys are shutting down. Only thing stopping me saying that conclusively are ultrasound results which the vet said are not really worth doing as all the other test results are pretty conclusive... And she is aware our pet insurance have managed to wangle out of covering this one in the most eccentric fashion (b******s)

Anyway we decided to save some money and do an ultrasound anyway at some point soon just in case something has been missed or misdiagnosed.

But...

When I was doing some chores earlier I started to feel mega S****y for not having money to do an ultrasound now and maybe even rounds of radiotherapy as me in my great wisdom swapped years of financial security for the joy of pressing down on a mouse button numerous times :o(

So the thought came into my head that I could amend all this by gambling beyond my wildest dreams, winning a buttload of money then saving my cats life with an array of expensive treatments and medications...

The thought quickly passed as I was able to reason with myself quite quickly...

The cat is terminal you idiot! No amount of money will change that! Make him comfortable! Don't do your load again so you can't afford to feed him and then have to give him away... Idiot!

I would say it was more of a gambling thought than a gambling urge.

But the point is (and this is for anyone who underestimates the patience and deviousness of gambling) it is ALWAYS waiting for its opportunity to get back in. It can dress itself up in many forms and will appear when you least expect it to.

Thank f**k I have water tight blocks in place. This my friends, is why blocks are crucial in recovery. If the option to do it had been available it may have been done.

And it wouldn't have been about the cat either. It would have been about satisfying my urge to gamble, which although dormant... Is looking for any excuse to be ressurected and satisfied because I am an addict and a compulsive gambler... And that I will always be.

Good day to you all.

Hi S, just wanted to drop by and congratulate you on this. It’s helpful to hear thes things from my point of view - and I really appreciate your honesty.

Very sorry to hear about your cat, pets are our family x

Thought:

This is what I think about hatred towards the gambling industry...

When you watch a boxing match invariably one boxer beats the other... Sometimes emphatically. There are post-match interviews after. You will never hear the losing boxer spout vitriol about the winning boxer and question his integrity and morals. They may spout vitriol about the result, or the refereeing, but never about the boxer themselves. They may reflect on the fight but not for the whole interview. Ultimately you get a sense that they accept that the winning boxer is the winner and they are the loser, game over... often they are even gracious in defeat. From there they may go on to chat about their next fight, their dreams/aspirations moving forward and what they want to achieve from here (even after a loss)

My next fights are making a life for my family, one they deserve. Learning to speak to my wife with care and respect - (breaking the trend of a lifetime of watching my father speak to my mother like s**t... I don't want my boy to speak to his partner like s**t when he grows up), making time to help people that are struggling now I'm stronger, pursuing my dreams and ambitions so I will inspire my boy to pursue his when he grows up, walking each day being thankful for what I have rather than coveting what others have and always wanting more.

I can achieve all of these NOW I DO NOT GAMBLE. These are my next fights and these are all im interested in talking about these days.

I'm happy to talk about my previous fight/s if the opportunity arises but it's more of an objective thing - to remind myself where I've come from/where I've got to and to inspire me to push forward with my next fight. Also if it serves to help others I will talk. But I am not angry with my previous opponent... Why should I be? I chose to take it on and it beat me... And what? Show anger towards that opponent there after????

Anything more and I'll be making myself feel bad, resentful and like a 'loser'. These feelings might make me want revenge. Also these feelings will get in the way and impair my ability to fight my best in the next fight/s.

Contrary to popular belief, i believe that boxers are as clever outside of the ring as they are in it.