NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hey signalman.
Thank you very much for your post and words of encouragement. I actually read your diary a few weeks ago. Catching up on your posts I realise that times have been tough. We are all suffering in our own way but we all have to acknowledge that we cannot revert to type. I do not mean to preach to the converted and I do not want to sound condescending but you have to focus on your wife and child. I read the post you put up on the 14th of December, you were saying about clearing out your son's toyboy and you found some toys you bought with money and you felt bad because you wouldn't be able to buy him things. You can give your boy the most precious thing in the world...a fathers unconditional love, a stable family life and a story to tell at his wedding. Try not to let go of the fact you have done amazing overy the last few months and you are still standing tall. I have to give my daughter back to her mother and her boyfriend at the end of the day and it's like ten thousand pins in my heart. I threw away the family life. I can't buy my daughter much. But I can give her my love and time. I have never let her down, even when the urges were so strong and I plan to hold on to that through my personal battle. Remember...the sun will always rise in the morning and the darkness will disappear for a bit.
Stay strong my friend.

Hi Signalman,

thank you for your honest and moving post, sorry to hear about your tough time over Christmas. Please know, no matter the day we are here to support you, the service is open 8AM to MIdnight 365 days a year. So call and talk!

And I agree, you should tell your wife, she might appreciate a bit of appreciation:-).

Keep up the fantastic work, you have come such a long way, and it is obvious it isn't and wasn't easy, you should be proud.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi guys

Thanks so much for the support. I really value and appreciate any time taken to offer insight and advice.

Marcella - wow, powerful stuff mate. You're so right, there are so many parts of my life I should be grateful to still have after this nightmare... Yet when I hit the self-destruct button none of that ever seems to come into play. If my wife left me tomorrow, to be honest I would understand. Your post made me realise I need to fight for her and my son, not roll over and play dead. Thanks.

Eva - how silly am I... It didn't even cross my mind to call Gamcare, I won't lie, I was pretty desperate at one stage. Left alone with really stupid thoughts and a sense of hopelessness. Thank you so much for the advice moving forward, I most certainly will not forget that you guys are just a phone call away if/when things fall apart. Thanks again for the message.

ALN - insightful as always. We are similar in the respect of control and mood-orientated control. I really empathise with your words and really appreciate your honesty explaining things in the way that you do as I no longer feel alone in this respect.

I tried to control outcomes in gambling... Something that is just not possible. Now I have displaced my control onto my wife, my environment and those around me... Hence noone wants to be around me anymore. I don't have any friends left after this. Maybe the gambling was a vessel for me to use as a way to exorcise all these feelings of control and obsessions onto, so my slate would be 'clean' when my friends were about.

The renovation work to our house knocked me for six as it forced me to live way outside of my comfort zone and meant I had to develop new routines to cope with the upheaval... Something I didn't prepare myself for. I am trying not to take things personally anymore, when things don't go my way I try and fight the self-pity and resulting anger and just surrender to the situation with constant reminders that I need to transcend my old behaviours in order to unlock doors to a more peaceful and tranquil way of living... For me and my family.

So sorry to hear about the incident with your mum ALN... I know this sort of situation only too well. For what it's worth mate - it's clear to me youre on the right path and going strong based on how your posts have evolved. Cathartic release of feelings/thoughts, supporting others, insightful introspective reflection... It's all there in your posts these days. Someone told me that slips and backward steps are all part of this process so we should come to expect them on our journey, but as long as we keep learning from them and make amends we will keep moving forward. Eventually momentum will become routine and I'm sure that will be the case in your case as your determination will see you through.

You can make amends to your mum... You're still here fighting and this is all part of the fight. Personal growth involves moves we are not used to making + not dwelling on the moves we accidentally make that are reminiscent of our old selves.

I do draw so much hope and inspiration from this forum... During the tough periods it's so reassuring to know we are in this together and are not alone.

Just popped by by to see how you're doing, and agree so much with this sentiment. Your comments and diary have definitely helped me. Sorry to hear your Christmas was a bit rough - here's to 2019 - and to mutual support!

signalman wrote: I do draw so much hope and inspiration from this forum... During the tough periods it's so reassuring to know we are in this together and are not alone.

Thanks lil!

Sorry to hear you had a relapse... But SO glad to see you back on here after doing now so, I think that's one of the hardest things to do in this process. You did the right thing for sure! I really hope you're over the relapse and have set yourself up to move onwards and upwards from here.

Hi Signalman, thank you for the birthday wish and thanks ever so much for showing your support on my diary. I'm sorry to hear that you had to spend christmas alone. I'm confident that by next christmas you'll well and truly over gambling, all the house renovations would be complete and you'll have a grand xmas celebration with your whole family. It will be this year and next year's altogether so will be a big one definitely. I like the way you said that you never give up and had you been a boxer you would be a world champ. Ok Tyson Fury I hear you lol. I wasn't a fan of him to begin with but I think he won my support after that Wilder fight. How did he get up from that knock down I'll never know. I must say that I was inspired from his desire and he showed us that winners never give up. I hope you have a smashing weekend too my friend. Take care.

What a great message Pras. Thanks a lot. Appreciate your response. Agreed that I thought Tyson Fury was an oddball when he first turned up on the scene but he won my affection in the end. I remember after his first significant win he came on the radio and said he would be a world champion one day and he was publicly humiliated by the radio presenters... He was laughed out of town.... Well... The rest is history. If you believe in yourself wholeheartedly and know what you're capable of then your future is in your hands... Your fortunes don't lie in the hands of others. That's sort of how I see this journey... If I gamble again I am looking for external influences to appease me - the money, the buzz, the opportunities ... But I know wholeheartedly that my life will be complete if I just stay away from all that s**t and therefore at this time of reporting there is no way in for gambling right now. It was exiled earlier this year and is no longer welcome in these parts.

As many on here will know (you included) and as I have stated on numerous occasions - gambling strips you of so much more than money. All of your self-esteem, drive and aspirations go out the window with it. Im still searching in the streets below to find my dreams and aspirations again after putting gambling behind me... I know it's possible to find them though and pursue them when reading diaries like yours as you inspire me to reassess my values and metrics and just keep things simple....make it a simple struggle onwards and upwards so to speak. Thanks mate.

Thanks for dropping by yesterday very much appreciated. I’m already barred form the bookies but would be able to get in one of them if I wanted thankfully I turned a round before that point.

You keep encouraging people around the forum and offering the support you are it’s great to see

Hi Signalman,

Just catching up with a few of your recent posts. If you go right back to the start, seeing where you are now is a true inspiration and you should be proud of it. Christmas is always a trigger but you did it, albeit it with ups and downs but your still here gamble free! I remember last Christmas actually resenting my family for wanting to spend time with me when all I wanted was to play that next slot, I was sneaking away at every opportunity just to to satiate my urges....how bad is that! This Christmas was the complete opposite, don't get me wrong I still had the urges but no way was I s******g this up. You mentioned still having the urge to gamble to get you out of the mess which is normal I still feel like that often, especially when I look at my debt, but it won't achieve anything, we can't give in now we have come too far.

I hope you are well and you told your wife how much you love and appreciate her 🙂

Take care hun

Dx

Hey signalman, just wanted to pop in and wish you all the best for the new year. Sorry to hear you have had a difficult Christmas spent alone. I can only hope gambling thoughts starts to take a back seat soon so you can focus more on your wife and family. It’s brilliant that you have such a supportive wife. Chin up bud. Scott

Thanks for all the kind messages guys. Really welcoming support at a taxing time of the year for me.

I cant pinpoint when Christmas became such an anxiety-laden time of year for me, but can only deduce that I am doing something wrong in my approach to it and leading up to it. Still, I have a year to work that one out and will be prepared for the next one. Maybe I should take a leaf out of my son's book and just focus on the reindeers and santa rather than be consumed with the guilt, regrets and lost opportunities borne out of the crazy year I've had.

As you highlight Donna, ultimately I'm through it and remain gamble free. That'll do for me right now. Very apt words... Thank you. Who knows what next year will bring, all I know is that I'm stronger and more equipped to deal with life having people around me who understand and can guide me in the right direction when I stray.
Thank you all.

I went to a panto today with my mum, wife and son. The panto was pretty pants but felt this overriding feeling of envy towards the people on the stage. Although they could've tried a bit harder with today's performance you can't take away the fact that they were happy and content on stage - and doing something quite incredible when you think about it ie bringing joy to other people's lives. Maybe I was taking the whole thing a bit too seriously and next time I'll leave my critical eye at home :o)

Had to stop typing as my son woke up randomly and called for me. I happen to be off tonight and was in the spare room so could respond to his call. I was there for him tonight. How I wish I'd been there for him on all those occasions he used to call for me when I was in this room gambling and instead I just shut the door and put headphones on and left him with his mum. This for me encapsulates 'moving forward'. He is an innocent child and deserves better from his dad. I will give him what he deserves.

Take care all.

Hey signalman.
Hope you are well and have had a good day. I agree with donna, you have done superb to remain gf. You should be so proud of yourself. Maybe you should stop thinking about what you have done in the past and start thinking about how good your future is going to be. Gambling has made us do things that fill us with shame. When my wee one was born I took money that was given to her as a present and lost it on a bet. That has to be the worst single moment of my life and instead of making me stop, it made the lies and deception even worse. It was only £100 but that day it felt like I had lost a million. After that moment I vowed never to forget what I had done and the shame I still feel for doing it but I have forgiven myself and I am paying her back by being the best father she could ever want. I think what I am saying is try not to be so hard on yourself. History should always be remembered so the same mistakes won't be made again but try not to beat yourself up about it everytime...there will be plenty of people wanting to do that for you. Always stand tall.

Hey Marcella thanks for your beautiful comments. Means a lot.

Hey signalman.
Hope you and your family have a great 2019. Always look for the positives, always look to the future and always remember you are not alone.