NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi S, you always post such thought provoking writing. Inspiration to push forward and not to get complacement seems to be a big theme at the moment, am glad you’re finding motivation with your family. You have done so well, I’m so pleased for you!

Hi signal, you’ve got it right mate, good to see you keeping on top and your strength i can feel from the way you write, fair play signal. Moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Hey sig. Thanks very much for your words of encouragement and praise after my close encounter yesterday. In my defence, I never once checked the betting! I have followed the American football for years and I am quite good at predicted the handicap offered by the bookies. I would have been blown out the water yesterday! So glad I have the necessary blocks in place. How have you been fairing? How's the cat? I agree with your post about being resentful. I think it's key that we all move away from the hatred aspect and channel all our energy into making our lives better and becoming better people. I had a decent upbringing, good family life and was taught manners and respect. I teach my daughter the same so why do I not respect myself?! Is it a case of do as I say, not as I do?! Probably. But the last few weeks have shown me that there is more to life than thinking I need to bet. Gambling has stripped away parts of my soul that I might not get back. I am not bitter, I made the choice to gamble for 30 years. I don't resent anyone except myself. Not so much for gambling, but what gambling turned me into. Now I am learning to respect myself. Rome was not built in a day though. It's all about small victories. Everyday without a bet is a victory for us. Stay strong brother.

Nice one Marcella - love your words.

Ok I'll give you that mark back that I originally stripped you of - on the grounds that I forgot that it's still ok to watch sport after gambling if you want to! I don't anymore and often forget that there are people out there walking this path with me who are able to do this without getting tempted - good on you - it's good you can still enjoy what you love after gambling - don't let it strip that away from you along with everything else ;o)

I think I'm ok - getting by I guess. Trying to be more efficient with my time. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day sometimes! The cat is ok - just a matter of time I guess. Today I spent time with it and remembered how many times I came home after doing my load and the wife was in bed, the cat was always there ready to sit with me and help me feel better! It must have sensed my pain each time. I'm glad the cat got to see the me after gambling anyway, even if for a time-limited period before he gets worse :o)

Don't resent yourself! I did that - somone at GA told me that you should be proud of yourself for finally accepting you have a problem and doing something about it! Addicts thrive on feeling uncomfortable and generating these sorts of feelings - it's time to do away with them and celebrate your life in all aspects - and that includes putting ill-feelings to bed! What will resentment do for you constructively? Help keep you off a bet? No! Feeling good about yourself and enjoying good times and being proud of who you are will help dissolve the need to have a bet! As is the case the other day!

Respect yourself don't resent yourself. And also you lost part of your soul - but youll find a new, beautiful piece to fit into its place as you continue to stay off a bet so don't worry about not getting that part of your soul back.

You should be immensely proud bro. Always keep your daughter in mind for strength and keep reminding yourself how brilliant your doing as a recovering addict a father and a selfless individual always willing to take time to help and support people on here.

Just had a long conversation with my son about socks - this is the first time I realised just how much he has developed now and he is now a little human being. Something clicked - realising that he is now of an age where he is absorbing my character and nature fully - I am his role model and need to do him proud. This realisation really helped build up more resilience against gambling.

Furthermore - I have been trying to implement a mindfulness approach into the way I think and already I think it's helping my character. I was trying to hang some laundry up earlier and he was getting under my feet - normally I may have shouted at him or told him off but I managed to compose myself and realise that it is not his fault he is getting in the way - he just wants to play. Me putting the laundry up and he wanting to play are totally independent of each other and I mustn't confuse the two and/or think they are interelated in any way. I calmly told him I would play when I finished my task.

Simple thing really but when I gambled I was horrible to be around as I entwined my gambling ups and downs with how I interacted with people and my friendships. People were often the recipient of the thick end of my mood - not because they are bad people but more because I had lost money and I was mad. I don't have many friends these days as a result (and rightly so to be honest - you reap what you sow in life)

Also for anyone struggling with gambling urges remember they are just thoughts - you don't have to confuse thoughts with actions if you don't want to.

Stay strong all.

A wise post - so glad you are finding calm and taking pleasure in your family. You have done so well, thank you for continuing to share!

Hi Signalman,

I’m glad you are well. You posted on my diary a few weeks ago and I never posted back, so apologies for that. I’ve got to admit I’ve not read your full diary but did with the first part just before I came clean. I remember reading it feeling the pain you was going through of the secret life you had been living and way you was feeling and the impact it had on your relationship with your wife and son. Being a husband and dad I’m in the complete same situation. I remember you saying you was going to tell her, then not and do it alone to then coming clean. Others encouraged you and when I got to the point where you came clean, I was envious as I didn’t have the strength/ balls to do it. I just thought I could do it alone. But then something clicked and I just came clean and was ready to face the consequences of my actions whatever happened. Just wanted to thank you for your post because even though it took for something to click in my mind. Your story helped inspire me with the knowledge that I’m not the only one in this same situation and that’s how I remember your first posts so well. Honesty is key to this. You are smashing this those first few days how hard it felt to get through them gf and now look at you at nearly 150 days. Keep going.

Take care.

OAU

Thanks for the posts guys. I'm glad you're both winning today on this GF journey. Keep going.

Just wanted to wish everyone a good weekend.

Cheers for your support mate

Feel a bit lost today. And empty.
Are these days part and parcel of recovery?
Maybe I've been thinking too much about how life could have been different for me if I never discovered gambling... I don't know...

You did discover gambling, it doesn’t matter how, when or where, it doesn’t count now, the fact that I created hell on earth with it, for me and every one around me time and time again, it doesn’t count now, I’m xxxxxx if I’m gonna let it get to me, all that matters is that i ain’t doing it now !!! You concquer, you’re in control, you’re the winner Signal , feel that feeling , you turned it round, think on that. . I’m moving forward keeping one step ahead , guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Signal
Fella thanks for the post I will always be able to jump aside and hopefully help where I can.
For me I often gambled to escape my problems in life, not that they were financial one's I looked to fix but either emotional or physiological problems, whichever I simply spent twenty years and some not facing ahead but running the other way and to boot I created a new pile of problems through my compulsion to gamble.
What are you after??
A life without problems?
Because fella I think my first five years here I was trying to live like that, to pretend I didn't have problems.
Life is hard, life for a recovering addict is it harder?
Only if we give to addictions call.
Today I choose to face every problem, the outcome of some is I choose not to care too much, they are problems that don't contain enough significance.
Leaving time to face the problems that will have a profound effect on my life, a problem solved is the door opening to the next one.
In challenging them I know I am moving forward.
Emotionally and physiologically I am better for doing so.
I guess you might say that I am learning to make choices or more prudently I have created the ability to have a choice.
As for the carnage I brought to life, fella I have made amends financially and mentally wherever possible to do so and will never forget.
But living in the past??
What is to be gained
A coulda, woulda, shoulda mentality, a loop you will find leads back to addiction.
We have crossed the line, now is to stay on the right path whatever it puts ahead.
You can overcome the future, for sure you cannot change the past.
I believe that you have my email if you need me, you know where to find me.
Right a birthday party to cook for, one of the fellows party have travelled from new Zealand to be here and they have choosen to eat in my dining room.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Oh man of many signals you really should feel well - you turned your back on gambling and sent it back to hell.

A little boy who once was you looks on with great elation - to know a future signalman will be his true salvation

So if some days your looking sad or feeling rather glum - just treat yourself with kindness and don't do nothing dumb

Wishing you peace, contentment and happy days ...stephen

Thanks so much guys. True insight and understanding of where I'm at today. Thank you... Im never alone with your help and wisdom always accessible.

Reading your posts I realised that maybe a quiet day with not much to do and not much to think about is alien to me... As an addict I am conditioned to feel the burden of my bad choices over and over... But today there is not much torture about so maybe I'm engineering some to feel comfortable.

I will be grateful for the emptiness today. I've set fire to many parts of my soul through recklessness so I guess revisiting those areas now is fruitless... I'll keep working on renovating those areas over time. Thank you again.

A couple of fantastic posts to keep you going SM. You’re allowed to have bad days like thie rest of us. But you know where not to turn and I know you won’t !