NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Matrixx wrote: Hi Signalman,

Your story has been a rollercoaster. Ive been sat here reading your first and last posts. Your an amazing and truly beautiful soul. You mentioned that the addiction opened you up, but what I can sense is, you are transforming in to a newer and refined version of yourself! You should be kind to yourself and believe that we are just humans who will err. The magnificent and celebratory fact is you are on the road to recovery.

I am on this journey too, I lost my self respect and job through my gambling illness but now I am ready to banish it from my life. I have had a Gambling free start to 2019 and I take each day as it comes.

Take care.

Thanks for you valuable message of support, I really appreciate it. I still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do. I'm not satisfied with just 'staying off a bet' - I want the lot... I want to love life again and be a credit to society and someone my family can be proud of. Sounds like some grandiose daydream mentality but that's what I want and that's what I'll strive for. Let's see where I stand with that in four and half years time as I promised I'll take stock of my journey after 5 years of recovery (if you don't hear from me at that point assume the worst) :o)

But seriously, thanks again for getting in touch. Why not start a diary? Then we can keep in touch properly. I am also from a Muslim family (albeit a liberal one) so I hear you on that front... Like you already didn't feel ostracised and isolated enough before this gambling s**t happened right? ;o)

Stay on here and keep talking - if we stick together we can destabilise one of the main pillars that gambling thrives on which is isolation. Good luck

Boro wrote:

I did have a good rant mate because admin modified my post. But I calmed down an deleted it. Not happy about getting an email off them but I get over

Hey

Yeah I was actually hoping you'd just go for it and get everything out that you needed to. Having a relapse then bottling stuff up is not a good concoction. I know admin censored the figures that you posted up before but that may be for the best as you don't want to inadvertently entice a day 1 entrant to GamCare to have a go at winning all their losses back because they read someone else started with x amount then was winning or was up for a while. That can be all it takes sometimes right? ;o)

Anyway would have been interesting to read your rant to see where your heads at but at least you got it out one way or another.

Let's go again Graeme. Make it count this time.

I didn’t see how I was enticing though. I said I won then lost it again straight away that’s gambling. But somebody must have reported my post to admin. Lol

Boro wrote:

I didn’t see how I was enticing though. I said I won then lost it again straight away that’s gambling. But somebody must have reported my post to admin. Lol

Oh don't worry I don't think that you've been reported... This was discussed the other month on here... Figures and amounts of money related to gambling wins are being censored by admin moving forward for reasons (best way for me to explain it is to dig out my previous rant about this that I posted up and repost which I will do)

The point is don't take it personally mate... It's just a new thing they do now... You're probably feeling quite sensitive after a relapse but honestly... It's nothing personal.

Take care buddy

FYI Boro (if you think I'm just spouting rubbish then just tell me) :o)

Whilst I am on my soapbox I would also like to question the motive of anyone who comes on the diaries painting a pretty picture of gambling and claiming to have won loads of money, even if they lost it afterwards. Many on the diaries are really struggling to keep it all together and I don't think stories like that are particularly helpful to them.

Right... re this point this has been a bugbear of mine for ages and I haven't had enough conviction to speak up about it, I'm glad you did.

Especially in the early days of my recovery and using this site I was all over the place. Everyone knows the initial period is fraught with the potential of a 'quick-fix', especially with gambling fresh in the mind after doing your load and your mind plays tricks on you saying that one big win will alleviate all the pain caused.

You come on here for help, support and advice and you get that for sure. You look at other day 1 stories - if anything for comfort in the fact that you're not alone in your crazy ways... This helps with the ownership of gambling as a psychological disorder rather than consuming yourself with self-loathing because you literally must be the most horrible, selfish human being on the planet.

But the problem is too many day 1 stories feature people starting a diary after losing a load, winning it all back, then losing it again... And the people in question always seem to focus on the money won, as if they were just the victim of unfortunate circumstances rather than a gambling addiction. It's not good for people to read stuff like that in the early days. I hate to say it but at least 3 or 4 times I almost gambled again in the first few weeks of my recovery after reading content on here about 30k wins in one night and "I lost 10k in and hour then won it back again, now I need help as I've acknowledged I have a problem'
Of course people are just being honest and there is no malice or intent in what they are saying, but I do seriously worry about people starting recovery diaries on here, reading content like the aforementioned, thinking it may be possible to recreate their big win, then hitting it hard to try and make that happen.

Obviously we don't have stats or data to verify what I am alleging as the people who may have done this won't be coming back to their diary after doing their load again! If anything they will resent the forum for putting the idea in their heads!

I just wanted to add to Stephens point by saying the above scenario almost occurred with me on a number of occasions. If I track my early diary entries in Gamcare I could pinpoint the ones where my resolve was significantly weakened as a direct result of reading content on here of that nature.

Im not blaming anyone, I'm not pointing the finger (I am a gamcare devotee!) I just wanted to add fuel to Stephens point as he has made a very very important one that probably needs to be looked at in some capacity. Nice one buddy.

I guess its just worth reminding yourself what it felt like when you first entered these forums... Gambling is still coarsing through your veins and all you need is a sniff of a possibility that you can turn x into x+10 then you will go for it. I know you were up then lost but the typical CG will say to themselves "yeah but unlike Boro I'm going to cash out my winnings when im up then I can put this whole horrible nightmare to bed"

It's laughable really how deluded we are/were.

For me. If i kept the money yesterday and not lost it. I would not have come back on here and said id turned x into x+10. But I have seen it a few times lately on here when somebody has come on and said theyd won and were happy about it. I agree that’s not right because that giving people hope they can do it. But I also take your point people could take the amount I won yesterday quite a bit really and think they could do it and manage to take money.

Singleman......I love your diary.....you have such a way with words!

There have been times when I have sat here to post in my diary, wrote it out and deleted it. I can’t seem to find the words.

Your recent post about how you view you gambling and how you keep it “there” resonated deep with me. It’s exactly how I feel. It’s there constantly as is the repercussions i / it has caused.

Keep writing and I will certainly keep reading.

Take care,

Sarah

Boro wrote:

But I also take your point people could take the amount I won yesterday quite a bit really and think they could do it and manage to take money. .

This does lead me to wonder mate... How much money are you carrying around on you now the card has been destroyed? Only you can deduce and be honest with yourself if it's more than you really need on a day-to-day basis.

Carry peanuts around with you and you'll come home with peanuts. Carry wedges around with you and you may likely come home with nothing. I'd rather have the peanuts than nothing at all. Good luck mate, keep fighting on

I had £40 that’s all. To much I know

Hey Signalman,

just read your diary. Thanks for your honesty, openness, vulnerability and inspirational posts.

keep going on the right track

take care

Stu

Boro wrote:

I had £40 that’s all. To much I know

Seems a reasonable amount to carry around. But if its enough to lure you back into the bookie then maybe reduce it if you can? Just enough for bare essentials?

stu38 wrote:

Hey Signalman,

just read your diary. Thanks for your honesty, openness, vulnerability and inspirational posts.

keep going on the right track

take care

Stu

Thanks Stu. Really appreciate your kind words. Feeling a bit wobbly this morning as stressed out with an assignment I am putting off... Is good to be reminded that I'm doing ok and need to keep moving forward, not slip backwards. Thanks.

Sarahs16 wrote:

Singleman......I love your diary.....you have such a way with words!

There have been times when I have sat here to post in my diary, wrote it out and deleted it. I can’t seem to find the words.

Your recent post about how you view you gambling and how you keep it “there” resonated deep with me. It’s exactly how I feel. It’s there constantly as is the repercussions i / it has caused.

Keep writing and I will certainly keep reading.

Take care,

Sarah

Hi - thanks for your post.

I think we are on similar day counts aren't we? In terms of the repercussions of what gambling has caused, I'm often wondering if it is useful to have them floating around in the background as a constant reminder or if doing that is counter-productive and can hamper ones ability to live freely.

The problem is the repercussions are not going away any time soon right? I guess we should use them to our advantage - they should act as an inspiration to move forward rather than a source or guilt and regret.

"It's ok to look back at the past as long as you don't stop and stare" is what someone told me on here at the beginning of this journey. Have never forgotten that.

Hey signalman,

I am 123 days gf today. I do like the fact that I know exactly how far I have come but don’t think about it daily. I like when I head to my diary that it’s their in black and white. A little reminder, another acknowledgment. It grounds me slightly. I never want to see that be zero again.

As for the repercussions....well I fear they are with me for life. Too much water under the bridge as they say. That upsets me greatly. its something I am working through at counselling. Its not the monetary aspect. I learnt to live on peanuts. I almost feel rich now ha ha. its the hurt I see in my brothers eyes as well as other people who know, but mainly my brother. The once daily interaction now non exsistant.

I do sometimes look back to try and un pick the decisions I made at certain points. How ill was I? The true answer is very. Decisions that I can never change but know I shall never make again.

I have to be thankful for the support on here and my partner of course. You ask about the chat. I get a great deal of support from the chat group in an evening. Some nights are busier than others. I don’t log on every night due to shifts at work but I do try at least 3-4 times a week. A group of people collectively with the same goal....to stay gf. It’s another safe place to off load my thoughts, give and receive advice to others.

Take care,

sarah