NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi Sarah

Thanks for the insight about the chat room, I may give that a go some time.

I'm sad to feel that you feel these repercussions will live with you forever... People further along this path used to encourage me to forgive myself for my sins and for ages I couldn't - too many people caught in the crossfire per se...

But over time it just happened and it has made recovery a whole lot easier. I don't think you can force the issue but you should feel real proud you're finally tackling this now and not heading towards further destruction...

Forgiving myself for what I did has been an integral part of my recovery anyway. But I was very resistant to the idea for a long time as I felt harbouring the repercussions was an integral part of my recovery ;o)

Take care

Had some STUPID dreams about gambling recently (which rattled me somewhat as they were so vivid) but apart from that I'm doing ok.

To be fair they on the night of my GA meeting so that probably explains it.

Please everyone have fantastic weekends and be the best people you can be.

Just a quickie...

Today I realised that in itself, the act of telling my wife everything and handing over full financial control to her was probably enough to keep me off a bet.

The GA meetings, the Gamcare and all the research into the mind and brain function I have done has been the driving force in helping me to become a better/decent person, (character transformation if you may). And boy did I need it so I'll take it. Just staying off a bet is not enough for me as it won't be sufficient payback - to my wife who deserves everything and more after sticking with me through this and my son who is too young and innocent to know what harm I did to our family - to him I am in eternal debt because I almost ruined him before he even got going with my actions and potential actions thereafter.

I'm still far out of a comfort zone in relation to the latter so at some point I need to work the steps program offered by GA.

Also - I don't think I mentioned this previously but 2 weeks after my gambling splurge I started my advanced study course (bad timing it was)

For the first month or two I was completely out of it and consequently I attended only in body and not mind. As time went on my focus improved as I was working on myself a ****load and learning more about how to make my mind work better in the present moment.

Anyway in November we had our first assignment to do and beginning of January I got my mark back which was 96%.

I was overjoyed with this mark and mention it only because I feel it necessary to highlight how much more focused we can be as individuals a) when we don't gamble and b) if we use the GF time as a process of self-discovery.

2nd assignment due in next week. It's going well but need to get on with it this week or it won't get done.

At least I'm still on this planet pushing my brain in the right direction, 6 months ago as a result of gambling I almost wasn't.

Hey S great to hear from you :)) .

Not sure I'm worthy of the glowing praise youv'e bestowed upon me though and I seriously feel it was definately more you that's done the hard work rather than me but admit to beating you on the head with the big stick a couple of times but at least I hit you where the bruises wouldnt show :))

Sometimes a nudge or two in the right directions all we need to become our own master again and I think it was pretty apparent from your early post's on the forum that you were doing all the right thing's and more besides to give it your best chance of success, the block's, the honesty, GA and accepting responsibility for past actions have all helped you continue on the right path .

I'm glad to see that your success is still continuing day by day and as is demonstrated in your last post your focus has returned and yielding dividends of a different kind .

As I said in my post last night I still visit the forum most day's just to be nosey if I'm honest and yours among a few other's are the one's I enjoy reading :)).

Great to see you moving forward buddy :)) .

Talk to you soon

Alan

Thank you again Alan. You helped me get on my feet again at a time when I was down and out. I will never forget your kindness.

Those knocks to the head were very useful! They changed my life! In those moments something about your sincerity and selflessness told me to just do what you were saying and not fight it... Those decisions taken at that time have probably shaped my future forever onwards. My family and I owe you big time.

Just wanted to wish you all the best with selling the business and fostering. I guess future plans taste sweeter when the next bet is not top of the agenda... However I hear what you are saying in your diary about never letting your guard down in relation to the next bet so I'll be mindful of that moving forward.

Enjoy the rest of your day and all the best to you, your lovely lady and children ;o)

Just been reading a diary or two with some very powerful and humbling content.

Really made me reassess reasons to gamble and understand it on deeper levels than mere financial gain or escapism.

Maybe some of us gamble because we feel aggrieved or feel injustice has been served to us by life... And we feel like life owes us something? The buzz and rush from gambling (win or lose) is the feeling we feel we deserve from life as a result of desensitising us in the first place and robbing us of joy, replacing with pain and heartache instead?

Personification of 'life' is always dangerous of course... But even this awareness has not stopped me making that mistake over and over again in my life.

Interesting stuff as always SM

I think that for some of us who are emotionally immature or simply not very good at living life outwardly, can find some emotional fulfilment (in the widest sense of the word) in both the buzz and indeed perversely the post-gambling misery. To be clear this is not real fulfilment but as you suggest, personification of life - a filler, which then takes on its own addictive personality. And like you even this awareness didn’t stop me, This time.

Yeah for sure down and out, I get what you're saying.

You made me think about relapse and how by 'not being very good at living life outwardly' I would run back to gambling as it's far easier to get my kicks from it as opposed to seeking them out from life itself... And if I won money I would convince myself that actually I was living life well as I was one step ahead of the rest, even if I won a nominal amount of money it provided me with the reassurance that I craved.

I was pretty deluded when I weigh it all up. Nowadays every day I don't gamble is reassurance that I am ahead, ahead of the person i once was (I'm still not that good at living life outwardly so this will have to do for now) :o)

Also my metrics for rating my life were based against everyone else's around me which is not a wise move, it's much easier to live when I base my metrics against myself, my potential, my capabilities and my happiness.

Thanks for the post mate. Nice of you to share those thoughts.

'Life is full of ups and downs'

Lately I've been convincing myself that my lows are worse than the average person - and from there I've convinced myself that this must be to do with the damage I've created from gambling...

However how do I actually know what other people experience? Isn't it impossible to make a comparison of my lows to other people's as we don't really know what people experience, society conditions us to present the best version of ourselves to those around us so in turn, how do we really know what other people experience behind closed doors? Maybe in fact, my lows are not as bad as what other people experience, I just don't realise because I am not able to make a proper comparison.

Gambling did offer me a temporary reprieve from low moments, even if the aftermath left me feeling lower... It was simply the escape and possibility to change the way I was feeling that drew me in at those moments.

Without gambling I am left with no reprieve. I'll have to take that moving forward and sit with the feelings... They will pass, I know that. Life is full of ups and downs, perhaps I should consider the lows as welcome signifiers that I am indeed alive.

'Gambling is a mugs game'

I think there is far more at play here than meets the eye. In my humble opinion gambling is a deviously engineered arena which creates the illusion that you have a chance to prosper when really your chance to fail is greater. It is a tool that has been used for profiteering since time immemorial.

The thing I've realised is that I ain't no mug. I'm a lot of things but I ain't no mug. Harbouring feelings of worthlessness and foolishness related to my gambling are not productive to my recovery, nor are they even true because I would accept the criticism that I have been spectacularly naive, but not a mug... I am a switched on guy.

I was snared by a trap laid specifically for people like you and I - maybe the mugs are the ones setting the traps, knowing full well that their traps prey on the vulnerable who through no fault of their own have been born with or developed a disposition of addiction.

The ones who I think are mugs are the ones who continue to partake in the activity of gambling operation regardless of the above as it lines their pockets.

Buy hey, I am not absolving myself from any blame or responsibility re what I did... I took the bait at the end of the day, another well known saying is that there is no such thing as a free lunch right? I knew this and I willingly continued down the path of gambling so now I have to pay the price and pick up the pieces. 'woe is me' doesn't come into it.

But ultimately - my point is that I ain't no mug. And realising this is self-forgiveness and a major step forward in ongoing and effective recovery, for anyone struggling with feelings of guilt or worthlessness - you ain't no mug either. Realise this and you're recovery will become that bit easier.

Hey S :)) .

Of Course your no mug and I beleive there are far more cleverer people on here than myself who to have been " Sucked in " by the big gambling companies .

It's a huge business who employ many folk to devise the methods they use to snare us at first and then to make sure we remain in the loop or the " Database of Dreamers of fortune " .

I don't blame them at all really it's just business and despise them no more than tobaco companies or big fast food chain's who encourage us all at some point to do unhealthy thing's .

I like to feel I had a choice and remember nobody walking me to the cashier of a bookmakers with a gun to my head demanding I place a bet ? But if I did have a choice ............ I had no chance once entrapped :((.

Hindsight and clarity are wonderfull gift's but ones that aren't granted to us until we stop ......... Which is then our choice :)) .

Stay safe old buddy :))

I was all in as a 3 year old sitting cross legged on the floor with playing cards...The act of gambling as a perceived solution to my financial problems made me the ultimatum mug punter but I’m human, I’m allowed to make mistakes, preferably only ones I learn by but I suspect not. I make money off of the back of other people’s misery but I absolve my job of any blame as far as my “make up” is concerned.

Another thought provoking post...Thanks Signal 🙂

Looking back on my life, I think being a mug was the least of my problems.

What really messed things up was my greed, gullibility, foolishness, lack of maturity, irresponsible behaviour and selfishness.

I can see that clearly now...Stephen

Lovely to catch up on your timeline - I think you are completely right about ‘ain’t no mug’ - the gambling industry is incredibly sophisticated and seems to be praying on people in many different ways and from an eve younger age. Thanks for the thought provoking content SM.

Hi S :)).

I just caught your post to D Dan regarding the " Debate " a few of us were involved in yesterday on here myself amongst them.

This can be a strange place sometimes with many argument's ( known as debates ) :)) for and against a certain way of handling recovery / rediscovery or just plain old abstaining as it's sometimes refered to these day's .

I've been around here for a few yrs now without placing a bet but at times get really confused as to what path I'm actually on ? , I feel sometimes that those on here that don't follow the GA path are almost frowned upon by those ( but not all) with any length of time in the rooms , I said my piece yesterday and left on amicable terms but was quite miffed over a couple of post's left after the main debate had finished .

I left it there though as I now realise that everyone's entitled to thier view on an open forum but for me that's a huge step in identifying my own flaws as in years gone by I would have dived straight in all guns blazing , which I believe is a huge trait that was left behind in me from years of never wanting to lose at anything .

I believe that trait is all to apparent at time's with other posters as was the case yesterday and smiled to myself with the thought of " Addict's advising Addict's " of the only way it should be done :))

Why is anyone's view any better than the next , maybe because theyv'e read a book or attended therapy or just because they know best ?

In my opinion the person that knows yourself the best is you yourself but I'm sure someone who know's me better will tell me I'm wrong :))

A random post my friend and off to re read " Catch 22 " :))

Have a great day Buddy x