NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi all!

Lovely to hear from you all as always!

Dan - ah sorry to hear you won't be using this platform anymore. I've always had a massive appreciation for the candid way in which you outline your thinking and rationale - and also was inspiring to read how well youre doing these days after many struggles. I understand your reasons for leaving the site I guess - I just hope that youre not martyring yourself over actually leaving for your own benefit. You know where we are if you need us again. ;o)

A9 - always a pleasure to hear from you! I remember last month when Dan mentioned about the work acca - he seemed to be harbouring feelings of guilt related to his actions, which then seemed to be exacerbated by the consequent topical discussion - the guilt can't have been helpful to his recovery - but he decided he wasn't going to back track and I respected him for that, others called him out as a result of their own self-will. Once a line was drawn it felt like the greater good had been achieved. It was a battle of wills gone mad! I felt sorry for Dan because he's just trying to get on and use the platform for support whilst remaining honest - but apparently that leaves you open to criticism if people on here don't like the cut of your jib?

Then low and behold a month later he is called out again :o( all those feelings of guilt resurface as a result of everyone else's self will. I know the conversation moved on to more broader discussion so it was less personal to Dan's situation... But his honesty basically led to him being used as a case study for a new thread. And now he no longer feels comfortable using this platform and I although I shouldn't feel this way, I feel like its a bit of a collective failure on our part. Imagine if Dan gambles hard again in 6 months... Would he feel comfortable to return to GamCare and seek support? Probably not as he feels like he will be met with "I told you so's" by some... So he will probably continue his battle alone post-relapse.

So where does this leave us? Are some of us losing sight of the obvious, overarching function of this platform which should always take precedence when advice and opinions are offered? I'm not saying unconditional support all the way, as I needed a kick up the a**e in the early days and it was well received.

Ah... it just makes me sad that people can't find what they need on here sometimes. Maybe actually sod what I just said - it just boils down to people who take things personally unnecessarily. I don't know...

Sad that we have lost a comrade but all this does lead me to wonder about a concept I have thought more and more about which is the potential for a post-gambling cycle (like a bereavement cycle but post-gambling)

Delusion/denial > fear > self-doubt > acceptance > anger > determination/action > assimilation > integration

Basically I borrowed some of this from the stages of change cycle but I reckon the post-gambling cycle is more idiosyncratic. I reckon all self-will stuff and imposing values onto each other comes under the determination/action bit... But I think the value sharing only tends to be effective if the two subjects are nearish to each other in the cycle? If they are too far apart then one doesn't understand the other and the other doesn't understand the one's consequent actions or lack of?

I also reckon the self-doubt phase is the hotspot of relapse, it seems to me that a lot of comrades fall short at this phase, this is the phase when you probably need the most support. Hence the reason I am sullen that Dan is leaving the platform as he presented as someone in and around this area.

SigMan,

Great post. I love reading what you have to say.

You should look at yourself as an example to others. You’ve came here as broken as anyone and used this facility to its max. You’ve posted regularly, you’ve taken on as much advice as you could and you’ve remained resilient through undoubtedly challenging times. You have worked hard on your journey and now you and your family are reaping the rewards.

Well done buddy. Keep up the good work.

Tomso.

Moving on now - I worked in Birmingham yesterday and was left for a few hours by my employer in a certain 'arena' for my break (Brummies and those close by) will know the one.

Now I walk around with my head up my a**e most days (may explain how i ended up here) but even I was fairly dumbstruck by the blatant and flagrant advertisement associated with the establishment located on the 2nd floor...

Now I've already expressed before that I don't hate the industry or feel resentment towards it... Learning to live alongside the industry and not be lured in by it's workings is a crucial part of my recovery... Like Al has said, it's just business.

But the arena is marketed and presented as a family attraction? Loads of families were there...loads of kids. There were loads of things for kids to do there.

If you think back to when you were a kid (and you are familiar with its layout and the associated advertisement) don't you think the mysterious establishment with blacked out windows on the 2nd floor breeds mysticism and curiosity in young people?

When I'm going up an escalator in the family dining area I don't want to be surrounded by huge red/black numbers in the style of a roulette wheel... If I were a kid I would be completely enamoured by the numbers. To a kid they will look so cool and mesmerising!!!

Nor do I want to disembark from my car and immediately see gargantuan images splashed all over the actual building itself of the casino and what it offers... When in fact I'm just taking my kids to Bear Grylls Adventure Land (which is part of the same complex)

The whole thing lacks class and is a bit crass for my liking. The cynic in me wonders if they are grooming the young and upcoming Brummies with the specific layout, advertisement and attachment to a family-orientated attraction.

Not something I've seen before and not something I want to see take off.

In the spirit of ending the post positively... it did make me think what the old me would have done in that 3 hours... A 3 hour break could have cost me 6 months wages...

The new me went and bought large almond latte and worked on my next assignment for college.

signalman wrote: Hi all! Lovely to hear from you all as always! Dan - ah sorry to hear you won't be using this platform anymore. I've always had a massive appreciation for the candid way in which you outline your thinking and rationale - and also was inspiring to read how well youre doing these days after many struggles. I understand your reasons for leaving the site I guess - I just hope that youre not martyring yourself over actually leaving for your own benefit. You know where we are if you need us again. ;o) A9 - always a pleasure to hear from you! I remember last month when Dan mentioned about the work acca - he seemed to be harbouring feelings of guilt related to his actions, which then seemed to be exacerbated by the consequent topical discussion - the guilt can't have been helpful to his recovery - but he decided he wasn't going to back track and I respected him for that, others called him out as a result of their own self-will. Once a line was drawn it felt like the greater good had been achieved. It was a battle of wills gone mad! I felt sorry for Dan because he's just trying to get on and use the platform for support whilst remaining honest - but apparently that leaves you open to criticism if people on here don't like the cut of your jib? Then low and behold a month later he is called out again :o( all those feelings of guilt resurface as a result of everyone else's self will. I know the conversation moved on to more broader discussion so it was less personal to Dan's situation... But his honesty basically led to him being used as a case study for a new thread. And now he no longer feels comfortable using this platform and I although I shouldn't feel this way, I feel like its a bit of a collective failure on our part. Imagine if Dan gambles hard again in 6 months... Would he feel comfortable to return to GamCare and seek support? Probably not as he feels like he will be met with "I told you so's" by some... So he will probably continue his battle alone post-relapse. So where does this leave us? Are some of us losing sight of the obvious, overarching function of this platform which should always take precedence when advice and opinions are offered? I'm not saying unconditional support all the way, as I needed a kick up the a**e in the early days and it was well received. Ah... it just makes me sad that people can't find what they need on here sometimes. Maybe actually sod what I just said - it just boils down to people who take things personally unnecessarily. I don't know... Sad that we have lost a comrade but all this does lead me to wonder about a concept I have thought more and more about which is the potential for a post-gambling cycle (like a bereavement cycle but post-gambling) Delusion/denial > fear > self-doubt > acceptance > anger > determination/action > assimilation > integration Basically I borrowed some of this from the stages of change cycle but I reckon the post-gambling cycle is more idiosyncratic. I reckon all self-will stuff and imposing values onto each other comes under the determination/action bit... But I think the value sharing only tends to be effective if the two subjects are nearish to each other in the cycle? If they are too far apart then one doesn't understand the other and the other doesn't understand the one's consequent actions or lack of? I also reckon the self-doubt phase is the hotspot of relapse, it seems to me that a lot of comrades fall short at this phase, this is the phase when you probably need the most support. Hence the reason I am sullen that Dan is leaving the platform as he presented as someone in and around this area.

Signalman, my friend!...

Please don’t worry about me mate. If in 6 months/12 months, or even 2 days, I have a relapse, I will have no hesitation in coming back on here to reassess things. I certainly wouldn’t let pride or fear of being slaughtered get in the way of returning. Even after several relapses, I’ve always found comfort in this forum and it has always provided me with such great support. I’m sure the majority of messages, should I return in the future, will be the same kind of positive support as I’ve always experienced.

I promise you I’ve not taken anything personally at all. I enjoyed yesterday’s debate but I fully understand why some people have called me out about how I’m currently pursuing my recovery.

I’m an honest, caring and upfront kind of guy. I could have easily hidden my weekly work competition from people on here. I was never, ever trying to justify it and to get people’s approval. I was simply being honest and upfront about how my recovery in 2019 was going. So far, 50 days in, it’s going flippin well, and that’s all that matters to me.

However, I realised yesterday that whilst some people on here were really struggling, that it was perhaps a little insensitive of me to try and argue my case against others who were (quite rightly!) dead set against any form of gambling. Even though I stand by my way of doing things, it didn’t sit right with me to have this debate on a forum that is trying to help out problem gamblers. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that if I was to continue doing it my way, then I must stop posting on here.

Just to reiterate - I don’t actually NEED this weekly work competition. I don’t depend on it to fulfill a buzz in my life. If it were to finish tomorrow I’d be totally fine with it. But I see no point in pulling out from it, if it doesn’t affect my recovery in anyway whatsoever.

A part of me thinks I perhaps should have kept quiet about it on here. But again, that’s not my style.

I’ll be around on here for maybe a couple of days to pick up any messages that get left for me, but then I shall depart.

Once again, I give my thanks to this forum, the admin and the wonderful members that help to make it.

I won’t lie, I shall miss it. But I know it’s probably for the best.

DeterminedDan wrote:

I'm an honest, caring and upfront kind of guy. I could have easily hidden my weekly work competition from people on here. I was never, ever trying to justify it and to get people's approval. I was simply being honest and upfront about how my recovery in 2019 was going. So far, 50 days in, it's going flippin well, and that's all that matters to me.

Loving your self-assurance mate. Great stuff. With words like these perhaps you're further along the cycle than I originally alleged. Whatever happens... Look after yourself mate.

I wish you all the very best, you've helped me loads in recovery, and others no doubt.

Thanks for your continuous support mate. I hope you've had a lovely weekend.

It's funny because even until this day there are occasional moments when I may try to convince myself that my gambling wasn't as bad as others - others I have met in GA or other people I have become acquainted with here on GamCare. I wonder if maybe I am actually in the right place for support and maybe should step back and just see if I can get on by myself...

Then I remember popping out for a pint of milk and cleaning out my bank account. Then staring at the machine with the 2.00 balance in the bookies and realising that I will actually need to withdraw that ticket and shamefully cash it in as I need to bring the milk home or the wife will ask questions... That walk of shame :o(

I remember working 70 hour weeks for a month solid to pay back gambling debts, then at its culmination I convinced myself I was now cured and could have a harmless bet as a celebration of my achievements, the next day calling my employer and asking for another month of 70 hour weeks.

I remember making a bet and saying 'last one for today if this comes in' then almost instantly planning the next one whilst that bet is running as I already know in my heart it will lose... I stop for a second and realise that I'm not even betting to win or lose anymore. But I continue on... Until all my money is gone.

I remember all those occasions when I neglected my son in his infancy, choosing to gamble on my days off instead of spend time with him... Lying to my wife saying I have work to do from home so will be upstairs, putting headphones on when calls of 'dada dada' coming from downstairs distract me from the table and the game in question.

I remember telling myself that my gambling was the ticket to a better life for me and my family... And I have to keep on with it whether I like it or not.

I remember taking money off innocent people to fund my gambling and selling items that didn't belong to me to fund my gambling.

Yeah, apparently I don't have a gambling problem like the others... Yeah right.

These are not musings to indicate regrets, resentment or self-pity by the way. If anything I am sharing them mostly for people on here struggling or relatively new into their recovery. To promote unity. To highlight that I am like you and you are like me, there'll be people reading my thoughts and nodding their head for sure. I wanted to highlight that I was quite sick and now have put some clean time behind me (and more crucially finally accepting the support of others) I realise this and I am not the disgusting human being with no morals that I convinced myself I was. I was sick and deluded... And that's ok. Because I'm on the mend now.

It really hurts to think back to these times but I thought it necessary to share as I hope anyone struggling or new to recovery will see that they are not alone in this and yes, there will be times when gambling comes looking for you... It will try all sorts of tricks to convince you that things are different now and it is safe now... But of course for a CG it will never be safe, always be on your guard. At all times.

I have drawn a line under my gambling that's for sure. Whether i have drawn a line under past regrets I'm not so sure. However the line in the sand has been drawn between my past and future and I have stepped over that line and won't be stepping back, ever. If anything my wife and son are too precious to me to lose.

This was meant as a message of unity to reinforce to those struggling or new to recovery that I've been where you've been and you've been where I've been. So let's stick together and do this. I can't do this alone anyway. I've tried and failed so many times.

I have no money now but this won't stop me leading a fulfilled life. And same goes for you. If you relate to any part of my post then you are in the right place.

Sigman,

Great post. Great read.

I think everyone will be able to relate to that.

Tomso.

Yo, great post . Reminded me of when I stole 1800 from our shop to gamble but told myself it wasn’t stealing it was my money as well . Totally delusional . Thank you for your post, you helped lay another brick on the pretty thick wall I have laid between me and my next bet . Have a nice evening ...........Shiny 🙂

Hey man that was a great post. I hope you have a great weekend too. Thanks for your continuous support.

Hi, just waving hello, I was pleased to start reading this diary and it gives strength to see the battles you have overcome and the meandering thoughts of a recovery that im similarly going through.

I do feel under qualified to truly post on other diaries as still coming to terms with my own flaws and my own strengths.

I did like your last post and continued inner reflection.

I think gambling is like being in a fire. And even if we walk through it and out of the fire, somehow, we will always have the scars, like a burns patient would have. And no matter any surgery or topical treatment, a scar is a scar. We have to learn to realise that even with the burns and scars, we are still beautiful.

Hi June

JuneBug81 wrote: I do feel under qualified to truly post on other diaries as still coming to terms with my own flaws and my own strengths.

Well the way I see it is that you are perfectly qualified to offer your thoughts to other people - all that's really required is that you want out of this horrible thing and also genuinely want to help others find the way out (the 'fire exit' if you will) ;o)

JuneBug81 wrote: I think gambling is like being in a fire. And even if we walk through it and out of the fire, somehow, we will always have the scars, like a burns patient would have. And no matter any surgery or topical treatment, a scar is a scar. We have to learn to realise that even with the burns and scars, we are still beautiful.

This was one of the most amazing passages I have ever read on here. Thank you.

Keep in touch!

Been reflecting a lot on where I am 6 months into this recovery and has led me to consider where I want to go with it and how I want to use my recovery moving forward.

I would say addiction took hold of me when I left home just days after turning 18. Too young probably but desperate to get out of an abusive environment, who wouldn't have done the same. I had no awareness what addiction was doing to me over the years... I thought it was liberating me!!! :oO

I have never been able to stop gambling alone, when my addiction was a 'dirty little secret'. Now I am finding it pretty easy, this is the first time I have sought help in others and made my problems public, to friends, strangers and family.

Much deeper than 'staying off a bet' is the innate need to lose myself in addiction... The 'f**k it' attitude that life is existential and pretty much consists only of thoughts and feelings so why not ramp those up in any way possible and go out with a bang. I thought that nobody really cares about anyone else so why should I. What a waste of thoughts and feelings is when you care about others... Better to use them on myself.

Then my son came along.

Then I tried to juggle addiction and being a father at the same time - the same selfish and sociopathic rules applied... Just replace 'me' for 'us'.

After 1 year I realised this was not possible and just 'stopped' with being an addict... No self-reflection as to why I was an addict in the first place, just cold turkey.

Then after a year and a half my life fell apart through gambling and I almost lost everything.

And here I am today. Today my work brings me to a disability sports event and it's really inspiring to see people playing boules with rods attached to their mouth and stuff like that. I saw a boy here on his own (no family or friends with him) and he reminded me of when I was young - a promising hockey player playing for my county... being the b**t of so many jokes and institutional bullying as I had to travel on buses and trains to get to meetings and usually ended up being late... And I always had to borrow a stick or two from another player, mine used to break a lot as I could only afford the cheapest ones from the sports shop. 'the council kid' the others used to call me (I believe it was a play on the 'karate kid'). Anyway, I gave up hockey in the end when I discovered alcohol... You do the math behind that one.

But I am here at this disability event and that memory is fading
now. Being replaced with the realisation that I am so lucky. On so many levels.

6 months ago I would've have told you that my world was meaningless as it had caved in on me and what had I done to deserve all this.

Moving forward:

1) I will beat my addiction now I understand it and accept it. This is largely thanks to some of the AMAZING posts I read on here... Not so much the debates and stuff but more the brutally honest and revealing posts from those who use GamCare as a tool to help synthesise (or not sometimes) who they are and how they interpret/makes sense of feelings, thoughts and emotions (because let's face it - addiction tangles that synthesis into a complete mess doesn't it)

Their untangling helps my untangling process. I am very grateful to them for being so honest and sharing themselves at their most vulnerable. I am grateful to everyone on here of course because each person adds a different flavour to the community, but truthfully, for me, my biggest gratitude goes to the type of poster I have described above. Same goes for my GA meetings I guess.

2) I will continue to post messages of hope and inspiration to those coming on here new and in bits. I have come across comments that imply the advice/support offered on here is 'vacuous' and 'tedious to read' - which you know, I have to agree wholeheartedly with! It feels pretty meaningless writing roughly the same set of suggestions to roughly the same sort of person one or twice a week... But the pain I've experienced through my gambling is beyond anything I've ever experienced in my life so far... And it was same vacuous advice and proactive suggestion that brought me to this sports hall, here today, reflecting on my life and where it is headed. Without it I'd be in the ground. My wife would be bringing up my son alone and grieving. When you read a book you got to start at page 1. You have to otherwise it wont make complete sense as you make your way through it and you're more likely to lose interest. Page 167 will make more sense if you have read the previous 166 pages. As a standalone page it probably has little meaning.

Anyway if I'm honest being told that there was the 'possibility of change' by others on here was just as important as the advice itself when I look back.

3) after well over a decade of not caring about anyone else I am finding it hard to reinvent myself in this area. Maybe that's ultimately why I will keep on with the support to new people (see, it always boils down to me somehow) :o)
But seriously, moving forward I want to help you if I can and I know you can help me as that has been proven over the last 6 months... But my focus is now changing to my wife and child. I owe them so much for what they have endured and how hard I have made it for them. I love them so much... I have a lot of love to give suddenly... So if I am incapable of using it on me they should have it all.

Engaging in a battle of wills on here or passion fuelled debate is just not helping me in my recovery. Doing this only serves my addiction in so far as inviting me to impose my views and values on everyone - this gives me a false sense of pride and fuels my ego, arrogance and traits of self-consumption.

However part of this recovery seems to be self-awareness so at some point after engaging in this way I realise how I now feel and in turn this fuels my self-hatred.

I don't want to go back down the road of gambling to escape myself. I just want to make my wife and son proud of me. Addiction is a burden on me and it makes me a burden on them.

Today in this sports hall I have realised how far I've come. I can sit here and feel 'lucky' for being me. Before I would have slipped out the fire exit at the soonest possible opportunity and found the local bookie.... Miles easier (but more costly) than just sitting here being me.

Yo, wow what a inspiring post , so relate to the post the same message twice a week. But someone took the time to post to me when I first joined , and many a good soul has impacted postively on my recovery , and been there when times were tough . Not just gambling but everything, so I will continue and if it helps one person outta of hundred then it’s worth it, I am sure you feel the same . Anyways, you have a good rest of your day ....... Shiny:-)

That was such an inspiring post to read, Signalman. Thanks!

You’ve come an incredibly long way in the last 6 months!

One day at a time as always but it’s always good to reflect on how far you’ve come and how much your progress is having a positive impact on not only yourself but your family.

Well done champ! Keep going.