New beginnings!

Hi lucy sorry 2 hear your having a tough weekend but great to hear you have no thoughts of a bet.

Suppose we have to have bad times to appreciate the good times but i hope your feeling better soon mate you deserve to be happy and you will be and youve come so far on this journey already so be v proud of yourself a day at a time.

Hi Lucy.

Thank you for writing on my diary - it helps hugely. It's very early days for me - but I have just been reading your diary from the beginning, and wanted to say that I recognise so much, it make me feel a little less alone in this madness. I am sorry you are having a bad weekend. Be kind to yourself, you are doing so well. ((hugs))

Annie x

Hi lucy thank you for your post . My dad always used to say , keep smileing because some one somewhere may need it. I send you big smiles today. Xxx

Hi Lucy,

Sorry to hear that you are having a tough weekend. Hope you manage to ride it through to the end of the day and just remember that there are plenty of more positive days ahead...

...as long as we don't gamble.

Stay strong.

NT

Hi Lucy, glad my post brought a little smile through this painful day. You wouldn't have been smiling though if you had to swim through what I swam through. Those pensioners have no shame either, I was left with more pinch marks than I care to remember, I showered for ten minutes afterwards but I still never felt clean!

I know this is an emotional time for you Lucy and LMM too. We're all thinking about you and hoping that the good memories help take away the unbearable feeling of loss.

Steve

Hang on in there kiddo, tomorrows another day, one day at a time, whether its gambling, ex's, or whatever else life throws at us.

Stay strong, you WILL get through this, and one day it will be a memory 🙂

Cameron

Just reading through people's diaries to get some inspiration, very well done for you for your acheivement, thats amazing. Gives me hope and everyone else to.

Good Evening

First a huge thanks for the posts of support today x

This could become a ramble but i want to put it down so i can look when i need too, so here goes.................

Yesterday my ex got the keys for his house, my problem was i was wobbly on friday and got drunk so felt rough!

Now don't think i was wobbly because i wanted to stay with him, i didn't, not at all, the reason was it was going to be final after waiting nearly 4 months .

So the day started with someone backing into my car, no damage but not a good start, then ex had not got alot together , had all that time but no still i suppose expected me to do it all!

Ex started drinking, as he does and as the day went on he started to become angry with me, there was lots of tirades about it all being my fault, my gambling, asking again how much even though he was leaving debt free !

Not once did he think he had a part to play, drinking, ignoring me, not giving me the love i wanted so bad, he just continued blaming me.

Raised his hand once but i knew he would not do it even though it shook me up a bit.

I had arrange a van to take his stuff and what furniture he wanted, he was so drunk by the time it came and helping or hindering the bloke , dropped the sofa, telly etc

I was cringing with embarrassment and also sadness that this man i had once loved was in such a state.

I had asked him a while back if he would stop drinking but he had said no, he has continued to tell me he loves me and it has been torture as i just could not love him back, at times i have wondered if it was the right decision as it would be finacially easier to stay with him but all my soul searching on this recovery has shown me that i could never go back because i really believe it would kill me one way or another.

So last night i was sad, sad that i had just left 16 years of my life and have nothing to show for it, i am still in the same house as before i met him but now older, a little more ragged around the edges , a confirmed cg and have a huge mortgage due to the gambling!

Today i still felt sad, sad that i was never enough for him, sad that the drink meant more, now i know he has an addiction and boy do i know how hard it is to do something about it but i made the choice to stop and try to turn my life around , why couldn't he ? , not for me but for him

I feel i have just thrown all them years away, i cannot think of any good times even though there must have been some, all i remember is the drinking (he drunk when i met him but as in our 20's it did not seem so bad)

Tonight

I just read my posts from up on the fells and realised how great i felt there and that i came to some good solutions and let a few demons go too so now i have smiled in the knowledge that my life can only get better, i cannot feel sorry for my ex because i cannot help him but i can continue to help myself

By remaining bet free i can continue, it will still be hard at times but over time it will become easier and i know i will find the contentment i want so bad.

So for now, this time is just for me , it will take time but it will be worth it to be happy and at peace with just being me

So sorry for the ramble but i needed to put down what has happenend to help me in the future.

Not quite wide smiling Lucy but a little turned up at the corner and getting bigger!

Keep Strong , it can be done even when we think we can't ! xxx

Lucy - your story of your ex leaving was so familiar it's uncanny. My ex and I were together over 20 years - it's now almost 2 years since he moved out and I have felt overwhelming guilt, anger, sadness etc but NEVER regretted asking him to leave (making him leave is more accurate, I have never had to be so insistent in my life before) and if I have any regret it's that I didn't do it sooner. He also was a drinker, to the point that it damaged his health, both physical and mental, and didn't stop even when the doctor told him he had irreparable brain damage. He, and his problems, are not your responsibility - nobody is responsible for the actions and reactions of another person unless he/she is your child/grandchild. Look after yourself, be very very kind to yourself - and remember, one life is all we are given. I am ready to move on from the pain, guilt, hurt, grief and gambling - I hope you are too xx

Lucy, my dear friend,

Those worms sure are getting an airing aren’t they?!

I can’t even begin to tell you how much admiration I have for you. You really are an amazing lady, with bags of strength, courage, humility and humour and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise!

The great thing is that you are still young enough to go forward and make the very best of your life from here on in.. there’s nothing stopping you now buddy!

Even though it feels like it now, the last 16 years of your life have not been wasted… I’m pretty sure they have helped shape you into the wonderful person you are today… there are many, many people on this site alone that can vouch for that.

I am very proud of you Lucy.. and very proud to have got to know you on here… and you should be soooo proud of yourself too.

BELIEVE buddy, that fairytale can be yours.. you just have to reach out for it....!

Always here for you mate,

Take care and stay strong!

Big hugs xxxxx

Hi Lucy,

Just wanted 2 say I am sorry that things r tough 4 u at the moment Lucy. U r an amazing person and u deserve 2 be very happy. Ur fairytale will come along ... U deserve it 🙂

Be kind 2 urself, because I think u r soooo strong, kind and caring. U r an inspiration Lucy 🙂

Stay strong, we r all here 4 u xxxxxx

hi lucy!

i m fine, just got back from an island called agistri, near athens, cheap and nce one.proud to be greek as we won the russians!and who knows next target is germany!we are poor but we have guts!

sorry to hear about the mess with your ex, i hope things will get better!stay focus on your life, remember we are very close from a tiny bet!

take care

mike

lucy. I sit on a bus on route to work tears streaming down my face, why because i feel so proud of you, i never met you, but you could be my mum(my father was a similar story except he is also compulsive gambler), and you have dealt with this in such a way that you will move on dont think you wasted all those years lucy you have a wonderfull son who you should be equally proud of, lucy keep believing i know i do. You will through recovery get to a place were you deserve to be. And to boot if the gambling had continued you would i am sure have far worse than a mortgage? Take care. Duncs stepping forward never back.

Lordy, lord, not too many frogs I hope.. had a bellyfull of them already throughout my life!!

Mate, I can really relate to you feeling bad about all those wasted years, but you know what? I don't think there are many people on this site who don't feel the same way.

I know I have wasted a good 20 years of my life... I suddenly woke up nearly 4 months ago and realised I was bloody 42 years old!! What the hell happened there?!?

But like I said before, we still have time ahead of us.. let's make sure we don't waste any more hey?

That can of wriggly little blighters is getting emptier by the day!

Onwards and upwards buddy xxxx

Lucy your new life starts now your free.

You can now concentrate on you and your son.

When we stay bet free we can do anyting in life it just takes time and patience something compulsive gamblers arnt great with haha.

I hope your future bes a happy one and it wil be a day at a time and thanks 4 all your support mate