No looking back

Hi Stace, 

Thanks for dropping by my diary ?

Massive well done on your achievements too. You've had obstacles thrown in the way like family being unwell, issues with cars and so on and yet still fighting strong to beat this addiction of gambling. Your doing well and I'm glad that you haven't thought about gambling for the past week. I find I don't think much about it either now and lovely a stess free life away from it.

Xmas is just around the corner now and will hopefully keep you occupied away from gambling getting all the gifts for the children and spending time with them away from the slots screens. My favourite time of the year ?

Ahh secret , Christmas is my faaavvvv time of year..a few months ago for the first time ever,  I was dreading it. There was no excitement just pure dread. I had no motivation and the thought of putting decorations up and buying presents actually made me cry. I was so desperately low , I really had reached the bottom of that dark hole, couldn't possibly get any lower.. but then I started new meds and slowly the fog, the pain, the suicidal thoughts slowly started lifting..and I started pushing myself out of my comfort zone, so going to see family, going for walks, taking kids park, and I feel so different. I feel like 'me' again.. when I wake in the mornings,  I'm glad to be alive. I'm looking forward to things,  especially a happy gamble free future with my amazing partner and kids. They're my world. 

3 weeks til we get a new car, that wouldn't of been happening if I was still gambling. I'm looking forward to Christmas ?. The kids have asked to decorate the house for Halloween earlier this year so I've said yes, I've bought new decorations and we still have last years so on the weekend my house is being transformed into a spooky house ??

I'm embracing everyday..I'm still getting my down days but I'm fighting hard to make them less n less..I'm pushing myself in my mental health recovery and my gambling recovery.  Think I'm 44 days gf today and it feels good ?

Stace

Stace,

Great to see you progressing one day at a time. Over the last 3 years I've learned that you are a bit like me, a night owl who doesn't sleep too well. A trigger point when thoughts get warped, logic goes out the window & we start thinking maybe a dabble will provide a better xmas for our loved ones with our winnings. Wow the gambling sites must love the likes of you & I.

It really struck a cord with me a few weeks ago when you said when we're tempted think about the worst experiences ever when we were gambling. Here's mine, I was 26 years old & stole from my employer and of course was found out. I tried to find the courage to tell my family what I'd done right up to the day I was due in court, but couldn't find the courage.

My elder brother was an accountant for a large PLC, sister was chief cashier in a major High St bank & younger brother was a prison officer. The first they knew about it was when colleagues read about me in the local press & asked them IS THIS YOUR BROTHER ?. I know some will say I'd never do that to my family but that's what I did to mine. If a drug addict was convicted of theft would that stop him from being addicted to heroin ?.

Years later when my mum died I took my sister to the town hall to collect her death certificate & noticed the cause of death had several reasons why. I asked my sister what actually killed her & she said none of them. Having a b---ard like you for a son killed her. She instilled honesty & pride in each of every one of us & you destroyed her when you did what you did years ago. Harsh words but certainly an element of truth there.

Gambling destroys us & we leave innocent victims behind in our trail of destruction. I'm sure you'd never resort to the extremes I did to fund gambling but you can never the less cause the same pain & long term damage. Relish every GF day, enjoy every minute with your family where quality time has been spent. You're still young but remember history will judge each & every one of us. Stay strong & create good memories for your loved ones. Urges come & go but family is for a life time.

Stay Strong

Al 

Thankyou for such an honest post slow..although I've never stole, gambling did take me to lows too, were id gamble money meant for food or if beg family to borrow me, making excuse after excuse as to why I'm skint. Was awful. 

Night time was worse for me yes, as being awake, alone with my dark thoughts, id need to escape quick and my quick escape was to gamble,  I'm actually sleeping alot better recently,  thank the lord, as extreme tiredness was torture. I make sure I get off my devices at least 1 hour before and have either a bath or warm drink before I go up.

Recently , guilt has really been getting to me. I know that will ease up when my partner gets his new car end of month, it honestly can't come quick enough. Each day my bank balance improving, so is my mental health. I'm slowly climbing out of that dark hole I've been stuck in. I know in the past we may not have seen eye to eye a d had our disagreements, but il still say now what I said then, I really do look up to you. You've done amazing ?

Take care

Stace 

Feeling flat tonight.. not so good. 

46 days gf

Hi Stace,

Sorry you ain't so good tonight, stopping is always a bumpy ride. On a high Monday, rock bottom Tuesday. You've still done fantastic so the  bottom line DON'T SCREW IT UP. It isn't just about only us it's also about your 5 lovely children & a partner who's stuck by you through thick & thin. I took on board what you said a few weeks ago about remembering our worst days ever whilst gambling whenever we're tempted. Even after more than 3 years clean don't think the devil doesn't whisper in my ear from time to time. Taking your advice helps me to say no to his promises of just 1 bet & easy money. I do remember those awful days  & think ummmm!!! heard all this c**P  before. Hopefully you'll find the wisdom to do the same.

Best 

Al

I won't screw-up.. of that I'm sure.. Still up n down days, but I'm getting there.

Day 47 gf

Hi Stace, keep on digging deep it will click. Every gamble free day is a victory for you xx

Thanks Charlie boy.

48 days gf and feeling very flat today 

Hi,

Like the song says " Nobody Said It was Easy

"

Get up & keep going, you CAN do this

Thanks slow.

So day 50 today, wasn't sure i could do it, better mental health has defo helped me. Time now for me to focus on being the best mum and girlfriend I can be..I and my family deserve some happiness ? 

Hi stace 

I have been reading what you have put on here and so happy you can stop.  I can't stop I want to but just can't it has ruined my life and don't know what to do I have been lying to my family and feel so guilty.  I keep doing bad things it's not me I don't know what has come over me. I need to change but my anxiety makes me gamble.

Anyway keep going and you are lucky to have stopped.  I think I have ruined my life.

Needtostop I'm so sorry your still struggling. Please reach out to people..go to gp for anxiety meds if you don't have already, try set up as many blocks in place too. I know for certain my gambling was due to my mental health, it was so so bad, the only thing that helped was to escape to the horrid gambling world. My mental health team have finally found a med that has changed my life, and I'm not exaggerating, it really has and I'm so glad..

I never thought I'd stop gambling , I never thought my mental health would get better, and I felt like not being here would be best for me and my family. How wrong was I...now I'm seeing and thinking more clear, the fogs lifted and I'm SO GLAD I'm still here.. I really am so relieved my attempt failed..I want to be the best mum possible. We all deserve happiness, please reach out, get as much help as you can..

If i can stop , I really hope you can to.

Take care

Day 53 gamble free today. Not been on much as anxiety been bad and I'm best of not interacting with others when I feel like that. Feeling better today though, week and a half til partner gets new car, hopefully then my guilt eases ?

Day 54 gf...!

Feeling physically unwell today, knocking my mental health abit but my partner been amazing and reassuring me..dont know what I'd do without him, love him so much.. I've hurt him with my gambling and scared him with my mental health, but he's my rock and I love him so much. Now I'm not gambling and have been feeling better mentally , I can see and think more clearly and it makes me feel guilty. Hopefully in time that feeling will go. 

I managed to get out today with 2 of my friends for lunch, was so nice to get out and socialise but my physical health put a dampener on it abit.

Anyway thats me today. Hot chocs and early night for us all tonight,  I'm shattered 

Stace