On the edge

Gosh, nearly 4 weeks without immersing my head into online slots, been out tonight for a nice meal (courtesy of a late Christmas present from our family) with my husband and then went for a quiet drink afterwards. Would normally have insisted on a visit to the Banque de Casino on the way home but as I'm self excluded the quiet drink was the safest and most sensible alternative anyway.
It feels good coming home with money in our pockets and enough to see us through till payday.
All systems are in place for payday so after Wednesday I shan't be posting till 2nd March when I can safely say all bill etc will be paid. Urges are still hovering but a break from using any devices for a week will help.
Hope everyone staying safe.
Rosie

Last day to post before payday and can't believe I've managed 29 day's without a single deposit into an online account. Have spent most of our morning having a good chat about the pro's of not gambling and after sitting looking at our finances for the next 6 month's we've set goals to make some purchases that would never be achievable if I were to continue to gamble. So, after pay day this month we are paying off £1100 worth of debt from the last 2 month's hysteria and then buying wall paper and paint to start decorating our bedroom. It's a start, it will keep me busy and occupied (as well as work in between) but at least I will see an outcome to some of my wages. Had I not had £1100 to pay out, I would also have been able to afford new soft furnishings i.e. carpet, curtains, bedding etc but the plan for March will be to buy some items then. Because of recent gambling and still having old debts which had been paid and created again and again, the plan for the next 6 month's is to put away £1000 each month to help us get back on target which will give alot of breathing space over Summer and provide some savings in the lead up to Christmas again. I don't want to plan too far ahead but these goals are achievable and realistic and I believe if I can see some savings and visual home improvements I know I can get back on track to slot's being a thing of the past. I know I will alway's have this addiction but I will alway's have faith and hope too that one day I can live a debt and gamble free life again. This month is a big test and a massive start to my gambling free future and I don't want to let either myself or my husband and family down again. It's a beautiful day and it might sound a bit tacky but I watched Benidorm last night and took not of a few profound comment's. "The moment we are born we start to die so we have to sieze every opportunity that comes our way and live our lives to the fullest".. I may have the content mixed up but that was the general gist /meaning. If I continue to gamble I will never have a decent life, but if I continue to abstain who knows what and where this life will take me. The ball is definitely in my court now its up to me where I want to serve it. Good news is after our lengthy chat today and the prospect of what might seem boring to some but not to me of choosing home furnishing's my brain has deviated from all urges to gamble. Thankfully at this critical time I can rest assured that the anxiety has been replaced by excitement and a sense of needing to get the job done.

I wish everybody well in their own personal battles and will post next on Wednesday 2nd March with I hope some good and positive news.

Best wishes to all

Rosie

Hi Rosie and thanks for taking the time to post . It just really upset me last night and I needed to get something down in writing , it just made me feel a bit better but what a waste ! As you said we've all been down at times and as I've already said I'd even considered it one point but to actually go through with it and knowing that your going to leave a young girl behind , well you're mind must be in pieces . There definitely needs to be more in place to help before things get that bad but as I said last night people only let you see what they want you to see. Her former husband actually works for the nhs dealing with mental issues, so I guess if he didn't think there was any more cause for concern than usual , you have to ask who would spot it ? . Before I go I just wanted to congratulate you on nearly a month of being gamble free , that's amazing and you really seem to have your head around this recovery malarkey!! Enjoy your decorating and remember smooth strokes, lol ! Take care Rosie and thanks again x

Hi Rosie.

Thank you for my lovely post on my diary.

So happy to hear that you are still abstaining and have your husband at you side, supporting you through thick and thin. This will have had a huge effect on him too I'm sure so credit to him for being so understanding too.

I'm sure you will get your soft furnishings and wallpaper and you will feel so good about that too. I save one pound and two pound coins up, to cover my christmas food and drinks shop. This gives me so much pleasure doing such a small thing like this

Take care and remain focussed.

Feb.

Hello Diary,

Not been here for a while but have to admit to having had a slip over the weekend. Furious and angry with myself but it's happened and I'm moving on from it. Not alot of financial damage but it's ruined my chance of getting to 90 day's gamble free for another couple of month's. Otherwise, I'm glad to say, all the bill's have been paid via my husband and we've managed to pay off some family debt too which has been bothering me and we are left with plenty to survive the month's expenses.

The weekend happened after a local casino invited me to rejoin as my self exclusion period had ended, what were they thinking and what was I thinking as I kidded myself and my husband into believing I could go there to self exclude again, I did that but not before I had a play on those dam slot machines first and then excluded on the way out. I demanded them not to inform me next time and to have my self exclusion set indefinately, they told me the max they could do was for 5 years, better that nothing I suppose.

Damage done, nowhere near the extent in the past so I have brushed myself down and moved on to starting again. It's now onwards and upwards and here's again to getting to 21 day's (17th April) which is my first small goal/target.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Best wishes

Rosie

Day 4 today and whilst it's still early day's, past experience tells me these are the easiest to get through.
Whilst I was in the casino last weekend I managed to distract myself from the slots and observed the faces of the staff, shifty glances here and there and occasional smug smiles makes me angry to think I've lined their pockets again with my hard earned money, sickening but the truth. I get a kick out of getting on a bonus feature and they get their kick out of watching us mugs drip feed their bank balances.
Will stay focused now and take one day at a time and aim for total abstinence by 17th April.
Hope everyone is staying safe.
Rosie

Dear diary,
Well I managed to get to 17th April without a hitch but last Sunday my devious switch turned itself on and whoopee I managed to access a new online account and lost £500. How I managed this and it's something that will keep my guard up in future happened as the annual licence on my web blocker had expired and left one of my devices unprotected. (Just a message to all to ensure this doesn't happen again).
Still very ill with this addiction, despite losing tens of thousands over the last few years, ВЈ500 took 2 minutes to spend, but it took 2 minutes for me to realise what potential damage could unfold within a matter of minutes. The £500 was money my husband had deposited into a savings account for me which I was able to transfer via PayPal into an online account. Fortunately I stopped at 500 but am sooooo disappointed with myself. I've confessed what I've done to my long suffering husband and he is unbelievably understanding. He knows this addiction explores every corner to make us gamble and very sadly blames himself for not staying guarded. My goodness it's not his fault, it's my pathetic devious nature creeping in and still trying to suck every last penny out of me till there's nowhere lower than the gutter to go to.
All blocks are in place again now and reminders in place for Web blocker licence renewal dates.
Sunday gone was hurtful but feeling better and positive today.
Will keep busy and try again, one thing this addiction won't win is my determination to beat it, it may knock me down but I'm made of rubber and will keep bouncing back up again.
I wish everyone else the best in their own journey.
Rosie

Day 10 and doing just fine, spent a lovely evening yesterday with family and friends to welcome home my nice on her birthday.
Just wish I had more funds available to splash out and spoil her more but the evil Mr G took so much of my money over the years and I'm learning the hard way that debts have to be a priority now before anything else.
No urges to gamble today so far, will be carrying on other family celebrations today.
Hope everyone has a safe day.
Rosie

Hi Rosie,

Don't think of your debts as being the priority, Mr G will dribble on that, put them on a manageable payment plan, that leaves you with enough money to live on without struggling, this will help believe me even though it is painful to sort this out, it's fookiing worth that short stress and embarrassment, get them on a plan, start liviing with your head held high, Mr G will simp,y hate that, you will love it, because you won't be short of money every month.

And hey well done on 10 days.

Suzanne xxx

Day 0 again..aagh

I've not a lot to say tonight just that I frazzled another £2.5k last night, how, because my old enemy complacency set in and my devious little mind went into overdrive.

I don't want to harp on about the loss just that I have to look to the future and tighten all angles that just weren't water tight last night. I've just had a really good session on the chat room and feel better for that, hopefully my comrades in distress I.e. Lesley and Bella will keep in touch and we can support each other as well as all the other good people on this site. I'm hoping to post every night even just to say Hi to my diary to remind me what an idiot I've been and more importantly there is life without needing to gamble.

Hope everybody is ok

Rosie

1 week since my last deposit...
Have spent the last few day's juggling my finances which has been a massive headache.
The agreement between me and my husband is that even though he desperately wants to bail me out, I have to sort my own financial mess out from now on. It's been a tough week, I've been here before but this week I felt more humiliated speaking to strangers and having to explain my financial mess. It's my problem and I know the consequences of what I've done will eat at me for a while yet. Still I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge/freezer and cupboards, clean clothes and a warm bed...for now but continuing to gamble means slowly but surely something soon will have to give.
It's all up to me now.

Day 9 and no urge or need to gamble today.
I've kept myself totally distracted and went to a barbecue to celebrate this lovely weather we are having. Sadly had to listen to friends and family talking about their upcoming holiday's, very glad for them but sad to think I've wasted so much money and could have travelled the world over a few times.
On a positive note, all bills are paid now for this month and I just need to keep reminding myself of the upheaval my gambling has caused me this month.
Will continue to promise myself each day that Just for Today I will not gamble..
Rose

Rosie below is an entry I wrote 7rs ago and 7 months into rehab............7 yrs on and the demon is standing tall and winning me again, Mr Devious has returned.
how has this happened?????
I wont bore you with my detailed past but in a nut shell im a civil servant who nearly lost my job and much loved wife and kids through letting the demon that is gambling take control of me.
I see gambling as a demon who lurks in my mind, a powerful source of evil that feeds on my sorrow and my gambling. With every bet, every cash withdrawl, every sleepless night, every lie and every guilty piece of consience he grows, getting bigger and bigger, stronger and stronger.
I finally drew a line under all my gambling 7 months ago when my demon was running wild in my mind and i was on the brink of losing everything and pressing the self distruct button . I was at my lowest ebb, fragile in mind and spirit and totally at the mercy of the demon that was gambling.
My wife my children my job even my sanity meant nothing to me all i wanted was my next bet. It hurts so much now to write that my wife and children meant nothing to me they are my world and they meant nothing. I was at the mercy of my demon.
I called gamcare and started counselling, i had an initial assessment and was offered the maximum 26 sessions such was my problem - at the minute its working and life is so so good, i am back, i am happy, i am normal, i have my health back, my mind back, and my family has the old "me" back.
In the first weeks months I carried a photo in my pocket of my family and everytime i wanted to go into the bookies i turned to that photo as a source of strengh to keep the demon at bay.
7 months down the line and my demon is weak and lies slumped at the back of my mind as i have starved him of any power or strengh, but i know that should i place that next bet, should i go into that next bookmakers i will be offering him that bit of power and feeding him that bit of strengh and once more he will slowly come to his feet and rip through my heart and soul and once more rule me and my thoughts, taking my health, mind, and happiness once more and next time probably my one love - my family.
When a woman gives birth - at first she refuses to even think of having another child saying the pain was too bad, but as time passes the memory of the pain eases and the thought of having another baby slowly seems not a bad idea once more.
This is the same as gambling and losing , the pain, the guilt, and the emotion hurts for the first few days but over time the pain is less and having another bet doesnt seem too bad, as a compulsive gambler like myself i remind myself of that lonely isolated person who sat in that chair seven months ago pouring his mind out to a complete stranger and swear to myself i do not want to be that person again and i do not want to feel those thoughts ever again - because it is so, so, hard wading through the fog trying to get to the other side.
For anyone who is in those early days stuck in the fog, be strong, its hard now but every day your clean of gambling is every day your demon is slowly bending to his knees becoming weaker and weaker and you become stronger and stronger slowly becoming the person you know is inside you, a good person who is ill and who needs to get better.
Good luck
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Thank you Fomilads for that extremely inspirational post. I can relate to that demon sitting in my mind and waiting for the power button to be pressed.
Generally I can get through most days without the thought or need to gamble but my urges alway's start around payday when I resent (a very rich word from me) having to pay off gambling debts and I feel the need to get that money back. My total outgoings each month including debts and bills at the moment amount to ВЈ3500...of which £1800 are gambling debts. I have an agreement with my husband that I have to pay these debts myself otherwise I will have no motivation (as everything else has failed) to stop. The irony is that I want to win that money back each month and a few days before payday for the last few months I've been working out how much I could afford to gamble....what an absolutely outrageous idea, today when I started that process again, I've sat and thought "what the hell am I doing"???
This behaviour and watching morons on YouTube winning in vegas has to stop today. I'm fooling and punishing not only myself but my whole family into believing I can overcome this wicked, evil addiction.
What little funds I have after being paid with be directed into my savings account next week, I'll post on my diary to confirm.
Meanwhile, I haven't and won't be gambling today but will enjoy some peace and tranquillity.
Best wishes to all.
Rosie

Hello Diary,

It's been a few months since I was on this site and I was doing so well till I got my new phone a couple of day's ago and guess what, hey presto, there was no web protection installed so I was free to push what buttons I wanted and gambled away every single penny in my husbands bank account. Absolute insanity at its peak, what on earth was I thinking or failing to think would happen when all our money has gone. I'm on nights at present and can't bear the thought of going home in a few hours and having to face my long suffering husband. It wasn't just the money, it's that devious side of me that took his card from his wallet in a moment of broken concentration by him, it's his card he has protected so closely to stop me getting my grubby hands on his bank details. I won't sleep today with the usual hangover symptoms after gambling away our money, I know all the blocks I have to put in place and start again but seriously this time, I don't know if I will have somewhere to call home for much longer as I know he is almost at breaking point with me. He has been so patient and understanding but everyone has their limits and I wouldn't blame him if he wanted me out.

I can't think of anything else to write at present only my regret, remorse and sadness that I have allowed this evil and vile addiction to get the better of me again.

I will continue to post through what I anticipate to be a trying, difficult, emotional and uncertain time over the next few days.

Best wishes to all other sufferers of this obsessive, sordid and wasteful addiction.

Rosie x