On the edge

I can't actually believe the tolerance of my husband in what is a cruel and despicable sequence of lies and betrayal. My husband who I believe has a great sense of sadness and disbelief at what I've done and have owned up to today, has not only told me he doesn't want us to split up but has said he will do everything in his power to help me cope and deal with this evil addiction. He is as desperate as I am now to regain some "normality" back into our lives and will support me in whatever way he can. I really thought I'd pushed him to the edge but he's got a much better sense of balance than I have. I really owe it to him and myself to do the right thing now and abstain 100%.

When the banking is sorted tomorrow, the web blocker will be back on and all temptation will be blocked. It's also back to counselling this week, I did well when I went last time so maybe more sessions are required. So, in summary, web blocks will be in place, no access to bank cards etc, restarting counselling (may even consider GA - distance allowing) and daily inputs on my diary.

I've had 2 hours sleep and couldn't manage any more with the worry of what might happen.

Day 1 will start tomorrow (again) and if I get to 28 days of being gamble free, I will be delighted. I'm still sad and angry and feel absolutely like garbage, but what's done is done and here's to a better day tomorrow.

Rosie x

Good for you Rosie! Wishing you luck. Great your hubby is supporting you through this awful addiction. If he is doing anything to help you, talk to him when you need to and don't bottle things up, then you can gain his trust again and fight together through this. Stay strong. C x

You won't like this, and it's not said to be nasty or personal, but whilst you push at the boundaries and he obligingly moves them to accommodate you, he's doing both of you a disservice because nothing has changed. There's a real difference between support and understanding on the one hand and tolerating the intolerable on the other. Most f&f start out with the second.

If you're serious about taking the initiative, what are you going to do (not say, not intend, but actually do) differently this time to make sure that this never happens again? Counselling? Meetings? Break the triangle? The danger is that unless you do make real changes, all that will happen is that you'll beat yourself up until the memories fade and it's time for the cycle to begin again.

Hope you do choose recovery and none of the above is said in malice.

CW

Day 1 today and the events of last week are still pretty raw.

Web blocker now in place as planned and new bank card is on order for my husband too.

Not sure I agree with CW comments, after all we already have blocks in place which have proven to be successful, only difference this time was my ability to access the web without adequate protection. What I didn't want to mention is that my husband is severely disabled following a serious accident 2 years ago, I'm not after sympathy for him or myself but when we got married we swore vows to declare our love for each other and that included in times of "in sickness and in health". During the last 2 years, we have had life changing experiences for us both along with multiple very close family bereavements. My marriage vows mean the same now as they did on the day we got married, we are both very different people now than when we got married but our experiences have brought us closer. Hard to believe maybe for a lot of people whose marriages have suffered as a result of gambling but we are totally committed to each other. My husband in his anxiety to help me has sought professional advice on how to cope with living with someone with an addiction. He has agreed to stand by me whatever problems happen as a result. If I had to be honest about myself I am a strong minded person who has this evil weakness and have to put so much time and energy into overcoming urges and temptation to do something that you know is wrong. Unless you are a CG, nobody can understand the overwhelming guilt of letting down those closest to you. Also, I would prefer inputs on my diary from those who do understand who are able to relate to the course and nature of this progressive illness.

I know what I have to do to keep well and I am a "doer" not an "intender".

I welcome the supporting comments from Charley and other members who have continued to post positive comments in order for my recovery to be successful.

Rosie x

Rosie, that's great to hear your husband is getting support 🙂 Is he aware that GamCare can provide counselling free of charge for him too if that is something he may find useful?

You have been through an incredibly tough time (both of you) & gambling has been your crutch but CW is entirely right in saying that you can't beat addiction with blocks alone! My husband has nothing to deal with except life (& me of course) but he really struggled to manage my money & I had my card back after only a few months. You can't afford to slip everytime hubby lets his guard down, you have to fix yourself so that you can manage your fears & upsets another way. You're not a bad person but you have been through a hell of a lot & being a 'doer' helps you survive the tough times whereas a kind word or a smile can open the floodgates.

People are going to post stuff that hurts, you may feel like people are having a go @ you when you think no-one could make you feel any worse & it will sting but no-one is here to hurt you! Try not to take anything personally, feel the love & dump the rest...Sometimes things that hurt @ the start of our journey make more sense further down the line!

Well done for coming back here & coming clean to your husband, that takes a lot of strength! Use it going forwards to take any help you need to keep getting stronger - ODAAT