So today/yesterday was My Birthday, a misserable day, did sod all with it, always feel down around this time of year, today I spent it P*****g away my last £33 in the fobts, I came home and wrote the following post on facebook for everyone to see most not knowing I have a gambling problem, brave,stupid,pointless I don't know but I needed to do something, I was working on a longer, better Intro to my Diary but like we all do, procrastination kicks in ..so lets get this thing started, less talk more action.
Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes, it's been a f*****g s**t day, and worst of all I have nobody to blame but myself as I seem determined to self destruct, I've been here before and come out the other side only to end up sucked back into the hell on earth that is addiction again, why am I posting this for everyone to see? It's not for attention or sympathy I don't really deserve either, it's more an apology to friends, loved ones, everyone I care about for being basically a bit of a t**t and not having or making time for anyone other than my addiction to gambling, fair enough I have health problems and pretty bad depression/Anxiety but using my addiction to escape these problems or fill whatever void I have in my life is not the answer all it does is compound them even more, you think things can't get much worse!! .. You better believe they can, there is no rock bottom as there is always a trap door at that rock bottom for you to fall further and further, this is an apology and a reminder to myself that I need to sort myself out before I do lose everything, I've lost plenty already and I don't mean money either I don't give a s**t about that, Money is irrelevant to me, always has been, it's certainly not why I gamble, it's pure escapism, so I sit here on my birthday unable to even afford a pint, s**t I even had to raid the copper jar to afford some milk for a brew, how pathetic? I've lost or broken friendships and relationships and that upsets me hugely , it was never my intention but when things like this get a grip on you, it's what happens, how and why my Mrs has stuck with me for 8 years, I have no f*****g idea she must be as bonkers as me, I've even advised her to leave me for her own good. I've lost dreams, businesses, friends, and myself to this s**t, everywhere I turn some odious f*****g toad is telling me to gamble, every 50 yards I walk when I leave the flat, bookies everywhere, put the TV on gambling advert after gambling advert, I've had other addictions like smoking, and Charley etc I quit one 15 months ago and the other over 8 years ago..Both a Piece of P**s, this however has pulled me back in a couple of times now, well f**k this s**t I'm better than that, people around me deserve better, I deserve better, some people will think this a sign of weakness posting stuff like this on social media, or attention seeking, some perhaps brave, truth is I don't really care. I'm putting it as a reminder to sort my s**t out before I lose everything and everyone I care about because the grim truth of the matter is this will (and in some cases already has) steal from me.. my life, my freedom, my sanity, my FiancГ©e, my friends, my passions, my soul, and everything else it can possibly take, I either stop and grow strong again or carry on down the same road and the outcomes are certain.. sleeping rough, locked up, sectioned or dead possibly all of them. Sorry guys I f****d up, I'm done, beaten, tired and had enough of this s**t!!! Big love to you all and thanks again for the birthday wishes and If you see me near a bookies or casino remind me of this post or give me a slap.
There is a light that never goes out!!!
Day 1 - Yesterday
So managed the day without a bet, spent most of it stuck in the flat, with chest pains and palpatations, felt knackered all day but still didn't sleep till 7am
Main thing is I din't gamble, baby steps, one day at a time
PD
Evening plastic dreams I saw your diary over the weekend and was hoping you would come back and complete the first post. I so wish you had and then you might of been a few more days gamble free.
A very brave thing that you posted on Facebook you certainly can not be accused letting people know. I hope you got at least a few comments back.
It's a fabulous post i know it's only day one but what things have you put in place to help make the post reality.
KTF
Oldhamktf wrote:
Evening plastic dreams I saw your diary over the weekend and was hoping you would come back and complete the first post. I so wish you had and then you might of been a few more days gamble free.
A very brave thing that you posted on Facebook you certainly can not be accused letting people know. I hope you got at least a few comments back.
It's a fabulous post i know it's only day one but what things have you put in place to help make the post reality.
KTF
Hi mate
Thanks for the reply, I cocked up a bit with that, as it was going to be a very long allbeit much shortened history and explanation of my gambling, when I clicked save I thought it would save for me to finish when I had more time not post lol, anyway I was gambling as I was writting it I think, as for barriers, well I go to GA, I first went in may 2012 and went for 6 weeks or so, and stopped gambling for around 18 months+, then I had a slip and fell straight back into it and had a 3 month binge, started going back to GA and struggled for a while but gave up and managed another year, only to go back the day after getting my 1 year pin/coin, that was last march and I have been at it ever since pretty much every day, only saving grace is I kept on going to GA probably once a fiortnight on average, and declaring new dates each time and being open and honest about it (unlike some who are still gambling yet don't declare...you can see it in their eyes when you are at it yourself)
I self excluded all my old sites when I stopped first time and installed K9 but i hacked that easily and there is always other sites, if you want to gamble you will find a way to do it at the end of the day, also I moved into the city centre so bookies everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE I go
so now new barriers are closed all my new accounts, k9 back on, still going to GA and plan to self exlude from all bookies in town (its the FOBTS in there that get me, online its sports betting)
Day 2
a better day today still foggy, not a lot to say really no lightbulbs or clarity that I have had before, just happy to abstain for 48 hours at the moment..baby steps ODAAT, need to avoid stress that makes me want to gamble. I need some time under my belt not gambling before I start to feel better
yours in unity
PD
All sounds good PD, I'm a regular at GA and it helps me the blocks can be got around but I still think they are definitely worthwhile putting in place which you seem to have done. With the SE you can now call a number to SE from multi bookies in a certain area which is very easy to do, definitely worth giving it a call the number is 0800 294 2060 I've done a thread on the overcomy gambling section which gives you some for info.
Look forward to following you progress.
KTF
Oldhamktf wrote:
All sounds good PD, I'm a regular at GA and it helps me the blocks can be got around but I still think they are definitely worthwhile putting in place which you seem to have done. With the SE you can now call a number to SE from multi bookies in a certain area which is very easy to do, definitely worth giving it a call the number is 0800 294 2060 I've done a thread on the overcomy gambling section which gives you some for info.
Look forward to following you progress.
KTF
Yes mate
I am planning on doing the self exlusion, makes sense given I am 5 mins away from probably 20/30 bookies
Day 5/6 Not much to say really, life has not just become wonderful all of a sudden or any of that, and not expecting it to overnight, priority now is just not gambling which part of me still wants to do, but with some time and momentum under my belt I will grow stronger
Today will be the first GA meeting in over a year that I won't have to declare a new date which is a big thing, I am the only semi regular member that keeps changing their date week in week out, most have stopped, some are gambling but not declaring and most have stopped coming after a few meets and who knows, odds are they will be back it at some point if not already sadly
one day at a time
Day 7
Okay then, a week done now, feeling generally rubbish but I know it would be worse if I was still gambling, I know there is a lot to do and a long way to go, at the moment I am just abstaining from gambling but for now that will do me, the sheer mental torture we put ourselves through from gambling is unreal, I think right now I am just feeling phsyically and mentally exhausted from the gambling over the last year (I have done nothing else mentally or physically strenuous at all in a long while, not when I could be gambling my brains out)
Had a few thoughts of gambling over the last week and could have too (Not really viable to hand over total control of finances right now, but I have limited access and my Fiancee is controling/overseeing the majority of stuff) The first time I stopped was from what I remeber was pretty easy I think that came from filling my time doing something I enjoyed (music production) not possible at the moment so next plan is to find things to fill my time as not in work at the moment, and also work on my anxiety and depression.
went to GA last night and it was an ok meeting, they are very hit and miss but always come away with something, the one thing is though there is very little mention of the 12 steps etc so I need to work on that in my own time I presume
ODAAT
PD
The lack of 12 step work is indeed a huge problem in GA. Try to attend a steps meeting rather or in addition to your regular one.
day@atime wrote: The lack of 12 step work is indeed a huge problem in GA. Try to attend a steps meeting rather or in addition to your regular one.
I don't even know that there is one near me mate, have been going to GA 2 years + and never been mentioned that there is, the steps are rarely mentioned either
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
