Hello dairyÂ
I never know what to write. Ive never been one to express my feelings so im just going to ramble, maybe it'll help.
As I sat in a lay-by drink in hand (I hadn't previously had a drink for 5 years prior to this) I thought about how much i hated myself. How I'd let partner down, let my kids down, and let my myself down. I didn't want to gamble any more, but I couldn't stop. The only feelings I ever got from gambling aprt from the few fleeting occasions of joy were frustration, regret, and depression. As the stakes got higher my mental health got lower. I couldn't face the truth, I didn't want to see another day. I was so disappointed to wake the next day. I hit rock bottom. I didn't know where I was or what to do, so I just walked away. Walked away from everyone and everything. I had nothing left. Who'd care about me. I walked and walked for four days not knowing where i was going or where i was going, sleeping rough (not much sleep though). But im to much of a coward. On day five I gave in, I decided to seek help, in the early hours of the morning i found a police officer to ask for for directions to the nearest hospital. I then opened up about being missing. To my surprise I'd been reporting as a missing person, I broke down and cried, I missed my kids, missed my partner and my family. The police were amazing and so supportive, they ferried me off to the hospital early morning. As I sat in the a&e waiting room, I contemplated my life. Should I go home, I knew how they would react, disown me, shout, be disappointed, lose my partner and my kids. I thought about walking away again. Its silly really, as the doctors helped me, I couldn't watch, I have a deep routed fear of needles, even though I sat there a few nights ago. I am a coward. When I finally decided to ring home after many hours contemplating, it was the hardest call I have ever had to make. My partner answered, her words were its doesn't matter what has happened, we just want you home, your the most important person in our lives, we love you. I broke down and balled. She was on her way to pick me up. I didn't know how to feel. How could I face her, after everything I've done. When she embraced me I felt overwhelmed, I balled, through my tears trying to say what I done. I am a addict. She just told me that none as that matters, the most important thing is im here. She has been so supportive, I dont deserve it. Everyone i was to scared to tell has been so supportive, I dont deserve it.Â
I finally got round to going round to the doctors after 20 years of not going, got prescribed antidepressants. Im happy to be home, still alot to sort through but we will get there one day. My kids dont care how rich I am, they just want a loving dad.Â
Gambling almost destroyed me, but i wont let it, im still here.
Apologies for ramblingÂ
Frustration, regret, and depression no more.
No my.good sir I wish you all the best but that wife is for sure a saint and a keeperÂ
Hi ruffins mate........ Thru the many years ive been on here ive noticed how the way in which and reason why they stop gambling really effects their recovery...... for most a light bulb eureka moment or complete breakdown are the most successful ways to stop...... As at this point u realise and really reaslise what are the basic important things in life and vices definately dont register....... They take take take.
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You said u might not be good at writing ur thoughts and feelings but that dark story of ur breakdown shows a lot about u and ur story and how youve really hit that stage in life that will put u in great shape to completely flip ur life around,,,,,,, as youve realised how bad life can really get and the true benifits of no vices.
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I had a breakdown in 2018 and since that day in august, ive not drunk alcohol, smoked or partaken in any vices....... At that point i almost lost my job and realised i wanted to spend more time with my family, friends and nature.....
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Lets get u spending some quality time with ur family and friends........ Lets flip ur life for the better.....
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See u on chat and wlecome to recovery i have a good feeling about ur recovery and how well it will go
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Adam 123
Hi Ruffins
You've been active on the chatrooms and I, amongst many and although we will never meet, consider you a buddy, brother in arms and friend. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story. That must have been hard to write and be so open about your feelings. I hope you received a little bit of recovery medicine by writing it so we can get you up onto the pink cloud. Adam's wise words above are so true. They way your wife and kids have acted goes to show what a lovely human being you are and how much they need you. That tells you how much you add to this world. Any thoughts of not living would just move the pain to your family and I am so glad you are here my friend. I love your jokes and banter with Johnny each night and keep them coming. The chatrooms can become intense with people talking about past losses and recovery struggles so to have a few badly written jokes, lol, along the way just makes the day for me and I am sure others in the rooms.
This is going to be a long journey for all of us but I am sure Adam and other long time GF members would tell you that there is a better life. I had a bad day yesterday but if that's the worst day in recovery it was better than the best day in action by miles.Â
I'm learning more and more each day that the only day that matters is what we do today. We can't forget the past but we have to draw a line in the sand and move on without dwelling on it or it will define us. The future can only be affected by what we do today, so there is no point in spending wasted emotional energy worrying about it.Â
Fill yourself with the love of your family and move forward one small step each day. It doesn't take long to notice how life is so amazing and the addiction took us all away from that.Â
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Stuart
Hello and well done for turning a corner. I confessed my gambling in October and though I’ve hugely cut down I still slip up once or a few times a week. Tiny losses compared to the loss that prompted me to confess. SLOTS show I wish I’d never had that initial massive win. Aside from handing my phone over to someone else at night (only options are teenage kids or mum who’s in her 70s and doesn’t obviously live with us), I am looking for software which is unbypassable, not yet found any. I have been in one chat room, but it was too fast for me I couldn’t keep up! So thank you to all who were helpful during my short visit there!
Hey
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Day 45 no gambling.Â
First real tough day for me. Yesterday I forgot to take my antidepressant, and was feeling frustrated with myself last night. Toady I just haven't been in a good head space, I watched a few gambling streamers, like I was almost to the point I was fixated on it. Brought back some really negative emotions. Its almost like I've slipped back into my old routine, but its hard to break that routine when I've done it for so long. Really need to start putting my phone away at night. I remember really enjoying my few weeks without my phone.Â
Gotta keep going.
Hi Ruffins
Have you hit the 60 day mark today ? How are you mate and how are you feeling ? Does life feel much better ?
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