reborn on the 4th July

Had a really good few days , jess had a fantastic birthday she loved her party and got loads of presents over the weekend , also took her to a fun fair which she enjoyed , the amount of money I av spent on her is probably way too much but she's worth every penny its nice to be in a position where I can afford it and not stressing where the money is goin to come from

Things are changing for me with regards to this site , I know I still need it I need the reminder of where I was and how quickly I could go back there if not careful but the honest truth is I av come along way in my recovery and dont need it as much as I used to , I suppose in a way thats a testament to myself and where I am right now , I av always said its a very fine line getting the balance right with regards to talking bout gambling and how much its a part of my life , I am very concious that walkin away from here could be disastrous and even now dont feel ready for that , I think its def the fear factor as whilst still on my own with very little support on the outside I am very aware it could go wrong at any time given circumstances that arrive

For now though I'm quite happy to post every few days I still read every day , I will continue to support where I can but I dont av as much time as I used to , I used to spend hours at a time on here but that was to ultimately benefit me to get me where I am right now and hopefully help others along the way , many of those others av also now left which is also why things av changed for me

I still remain strong and focussed and still for now thats all that matters to me

Been a tough couple of days had to make some massive decisions at work one been deciding a member of staffs future due to them not following procedures it was a real fifty fifty whether they would lose their job it took me 2 days to decide and I still dont whether I made the right one , all I do know its played massively on my mind and its given me urges to block it all out , but its done now and can move on from it

Still waiting with divorce hopefully just a court date for the decree absolut but still reckon another month or so , I just want it over now but can't deal with that now so no point in stressing

Big talk of Cheltenham next week luckily I'm workin all week so won't affect me that much , off the week after though which I'm really lookin forward to I need a rest as still recovering from my flu episode and not back to full health yet

Other than that all is well

Hey Castle ...

Just wanted to say ( and hopefully it doesn't come over as patronising as thats not my intent) but i thought it was fantastic that you came straight back to your diary today despite having such a good day on the 5th ...

It just shows how up and down our life can be and how events we have to deal with can change how we feel

in just two days...

I dont envy your work dilemma...womdering if it could be a case of written warning and compulsary retraining rather than dismissal....tough one for sure.,.

It's already gearing up for the grand national up here ..tv ads etc ..for different reasons makes me feel uneasy as brings back memories plus it's my exes highlight of the year and puts him virtually down the road ...and literally on my turf,..

Anyhooo....good to see your post today xx

R and d xxx

Like flagg i don,t think i thanked you for the comments on my diary in the early stages of recovery but i appreciated them

Thanks and you also do a lot of good on this site bye helping people realise you can turn your life around

Another body blow , had a really long day Friday at work so was really tired and got home to find a letter from my solicitor with an invoice for is so called work for 273 quid !which entailed 4 letters 7 mins of phone calls and 40 mins preparation time , how can he justify that ? ! To say it pi**** me off is an understatement it affected me badly and for the 1st time I found myself taking my problems to work which I dont do normally so Saturday was a bad day altogether I just couldn't shake myself , I paid the invoice today and it went right through me I now need to accept this and move on very much similar to a relapse with gambling , paying it was fortunately not a problem and thats a testament to me and where I am right now but that money could av gone towards a holiday for me and jess and thats what hurts , I still know there will be more to come as my court date for divorce should not be long now but I need closure on this esp from a financial point of view , there is light at the end of the tunnel and I need to be patient but for now I can't deal with it I can't let it affect me I need to hold it altogether and stay strong and that I will

Off to jess's parent evening tonite so I know that will please me as she is doin so well at school

Hey castle

You have the right attitude ...dump it here and motor on past it you don't need that S***e to drag you down .....blummin robbers....

I know limbo...it's horrible but like you an end in sight with a few more hurdles to jump...it's the not knowing thats the B*****r...

Onwards and be kind to yourself.,viruses can knock you for 6 and your defences will not be back to 100 per cent yet...build up strength again and you will be able to deal with everything .....

Sending Teflon coating

R and d xx

Hi castle.

I am sure tonight at parents evening it will only seek as a reminder of what a fantastic job you are doing with jess and how even though painful for you to keep having to push yourself to keep it together in the midst of the divorce you have never ever lost sight of what is important, and that's a happy calm daddy who has been there for his daughter no matter what.

Take care

Blondie

Starting to accept the two hundred and odd quid is gone and won't be comin back , my year on this site as taught me so much , the link between life problems and gambling is the key link and I now know this , 18 months ago I would av tried to win that money back not that I would av been able to pay it in the 1st place ! , my head is full of knowledge now and I use that every day asking myself questions and the possibilities of what the outcome could be and could it make me want to gamble

It is so easy to forget how far I av come as its easy to get wrapped up in current life problems and think this is the worst its ever been , its important to take a step back and look at how it really is , on Friday I couldn't do that it felt like the end of the world and the results could av been disastrous if I hadn't dealt with it , I can reflect now then money I paid the solicitor went through me on many times I had lost that money on gambling and yes it felt like the end of the world yes I then accepted it but then only to go and do it again and again and thats the difference now , yes another invoice will come my way b4 the divorce is finalised but I no doubt it will hurt but it should be the last one and I can put a closure on it and that will be massive for me

It will be the end of a chapter in my life and the start of a new one and nothing is goin to get in my way

Hey Castle...

Like you said, you had the money to pay the invoice and even though you are still stressed over the process your going through you did not have the additional stress of not being able to pay that invoice as you made the right choice .

It's done now ....and you are over 3/4 of the way there my friend...darkest before the dawn remember ? ....keep seeing that light ..little Jess holding the flame in front of you ....not far to go now and then you can start over

R and d xx

Hey castle ..

Thanks for your post today ...I needed to see a familiar face post there as not great today ....

I haven't posted the dent no on newcomers but your right ..it could save a new person who is stressed a lot of faffing about days off work for appointments and numerous phone calls ....

I shall repost it on the intro section on my lunch as I have no idea how to copy and paste x

R and d xx

Just realised when I posted yesterday I forgot to mention. bout jess at parents evening , she plays such an important part in my recovery so full apologies jess if u ever read this in years to come , to say I was so proud just isn't enough she is way in front of where she should be so well behaved and helps others at school , she is a real credit to me and never lets me down so how could I ever do the same to her and let her down

The answer is I won't

Hi Castle.

What a lovely post. You must be so so proud of your daughter. What an inspiration to keep you determined to remain gamble free for once and for all.

Take care.

Feb.

Castle,

First and foremost, thank you for your post on my diary and I am delighted that you are doing so well in your recovery and that your daughter continues to fill you heart with pride.

This is a bit of a difficult post for me, which you will rightly find ridiculous. I recently messed up and returned to gambling at the start of the year and, in a way, I almost hoped that you wouldn't find out about it. That is crazy I know but you were the first person to post on my diary way back last year and have always offered me tremendous support. I have had lots of support but you and Dusty/Shiny have always had a special way with words when offering me help. I feel like such a dissapointment, which is bizarre considering people like yourself, DMac and Wilsy only know me from this site. Life is funny I think this forum brings people together in the most remarkable way to such an extent that you feel distraught at letting others down who you will never meet or know personally. I suppose this is what makes this forum special. Anyway, sorry I have been a stranger on your forum but I haven't quite been myself recently. Or I should say I have been myself and this is the person I don't like and don't want to be anymore.

Tomso.

Went back to work yesterday after 2 days not been there and it was a right hole if my line manager had walked in I would av been for the high jump , the individual who left it this way has always been a weak link and to be honest they should av been dealt with much sooner , they were off for the weekend and prob thought by the next time I see them I would av calmed down and forgave them , today I'm working but then off for the week which I can't wait for I desperately need to recharge my batteries but now I'm goin in Monday to see them and do a recorded interview then push it to disciplinary but if I dont do it then it won't get done

My problem is I'm too nice too forgiving not got no ruthless streak in me , I accept this and do it my way which works well most of the time but then u always get someone who takes the pee , but this time I'm goin to follow it through had enough

This week goin to get back to the gym as I av only been a handful of times since the flu and the rest of the time I'm goin to rest and sleep as much as I can

Hey Castle...

Also struggle in the area of extracting the urine ...in work there are rules I guess...we have similar problem in work but it never gets resolved ..it reaches a head then is ok for a few weeks then reverts back..in the past folks have taken it higher but it's backfired.

As someone in the rooms always used to say ...

Take the pee once shame on them

Twice..shame on us..

Easier said than done eh? ..it's the bane of my entire life this kind of stuff.

wish you well with this...im in a role of managing staff too..but it's a small team and runs like a dysfunctional family some days that's the problem.

R and d xx