reborn on the 4th July

Castle.

Fella i take my hat off to you my friend. You again take what is thrown at you and refuse to lay down. Your posts are full of more than hope, they are determined.

I hope the day you had yesterday repeats itself today, if not i will be safe in the knowledge you are fashioning the right gloves!! The big boxing gloves.

Keep moving forward fella and thanks for sharing.

Together we stand.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Sir,

Many many thanks for your recent well wishes. It has taken me a while to get around diaries since returning from hols. You offered me support on my very first day here and I will always have the utmost respect for you.

I was just having a read of your recent posts and it is fantastic to see that lightbulb switching back on. The positive nature is returning and you seem to have a renewed zest. Time is a healer and although that is very cliche it is also very true. Our main problem is despite it being true we just want everything to be better and resolved quicker. Patience is not a strong point for a compulsive gambler and every day is a battle for us to rein ourselves in and accept those things we cannot change in an instant.

Keep getting things down in here and try to maintain that positive attitude. The support is always here for you.

Flagg

Hey Castle..

Walking the walk with you.....and looking forward to sunday as no postman!!!!

have a lovely day off with Jess .....

Permission slips going out to give us a stress free holiday today....mandatory...time off for good behaviour and all that other shitola can take a back seat just for today xxxx

Yo,

Enjoy your day with Jess , but then I know you will .

Your positivity is once again shining through , brightens my day . For that thank you

Shiny xxxxx

Thanks everyone

A real tough day at work today , been a lot of tension since the meeting I held on Sunday , change was needed to go forward and some dont like it which has brought a lot of negativity been a bit of back stabbing all the usual stuff when u av 35 staff and its always the same few but its been one of them when someone tells u something but dont tell anyone and then someone does the same and it then spirals out of control to the extent where it now needs dealing with , when things like this happen then it always rakes up the past bout me and my friend which was now 3 years ago so thats now brought stress and tension between us , there's still so many feelings there and won't really go away till one of us leaves , I av never really moved on from this situation and dont think I ever will while she is still there , she's a constant reminder of my past something I want to get away from , for now I can't so it just goes on and on I can cope quite well with it most of the time so I will just get on with it

So overall a bad day the massive positive out of all of it I had an afternoon on my own b4 jess comes round taking into account all the stress at work I could av took the pain away and gambled but I chose not to and that will give me strength to fight another day still feel strong and determined on that front and getting through days like today can only help

Back working today but no other management staff on so should be a straight forward day no moanin or complaining , trying to keep everyone happy is impossible and with some the more u can and do the more they want , this as always been a problem for me trying to be a people pleaser something that def stems from my childhood , which is great in ways for getting people to do what I want but the flipside is some will take advantage and then I find it hard to say no and I guess u can pretty much relate that to the last 3 years of my life with regards to gambling and my friend at work the amount of times the determination was there to say no but ended up giving in knowing deep down it was not what I wanted and the wrong thing to do but simply couldn't say no

A real step change on this front is desperately needed and only I can make it , the pain and misery to giving in to any of these problems eats away at me and my self esteem , I'm now in a strong position to say no and I want that better life , the divorce will help but still no idea of a court date yet the process is so long and it really shouldn't be , I'm trying to accept that there's prob goin to be another 300 bill comin my way or even more I really dont know I'm trying not to think bout it too much but without blocking it out , it will be over soon

Trying to make full use of my diary at the moment getting as much of my chest as possible tryin to get all that anger out , solicitors , friend at work gambling all things in life that av stopped me from moving on , all 3 are now in place and its now up to me to say no I'm not goin to let u bother me I dont care how u feel u av not given me a thought for the well being of my life all in a way manipulated me in to their way of thinking dragging me down to places I dont want to be

As the title of my thread says I will get it right this time and out of all the times of trying and failing this really is the time to get it right

Hey Castle ...

Snap..I work too and totally get what your saying about people pleasing ....I was a chronic people pleaser and I now know I did it as I was afraid of conflict ..lol...can you believe that now? ...even started talking politics which is something I never did ....

Keep dumping the trash on here..the good bad and ugly .....

If we can't be ourselves now in our mid 40 's then when can we be eh?

R and D xxx

Sat watching golf but my mind is wandering everywhere and that sums it up for me and why I gambled , I know I could av put a bet on the golf and I would be absorbed for bout 6 hours my mind thinking of nothing else basically blocking all the s**t in my life , same with football or an afternoon at the bookies

The downside to all that is I lose money and I cannot win cos I cannot stop I know I can't take one small bet and walk away , once that 1st bet is made it doesn't know matter how much thats all my brain will think bout and in the end it just takes over then on the 1st big loss the chase begins gambling out of control on anything and not satisfied till everything is gone

I really dont want that life anymore , my relapses av taught me so much I know the pattern its always the same and will never change , only I can make the changes and make the right choice and choose each day not to gamble

Today I haven't and for that I'm proud of myself

Hey there Castle..

Definitely on the same page my friend as I was talking about that exact same film today..... Falling Down I think it was called. The bit in the traffic jam and he just gets out of his car and then as the day goes on he looses it more and more...

Yep.... That's the level of tension some days and times I just snap and rant on my diary.

It's hard to keep still in the eye of the storm but you are hanging in there and battening down the hatches. Keep the faith Castle.

R. And D Xxxxxxxx

Thanks Rachael

Managed to stay up and watch the golftill it went to the play off went to bed then so recorded rest of it , woke this mornin at 8 with having no jess and not workin I could av slept in but when on earlies I get up at 5 so 3 hours extra to me is a lay in

Cleaned all the flat this mornin which didn't take that long as I can't stand it messy anyway then went to gym which was the 1st time in 3 weeks just had no motivation for it with all the stress in life goin on , had a good hour and felt really good when comin out the Sun was shining it was warm and it gave me a huge boost like a new life was starting ,ate healthy for lunch salmon and salad

Picked jess up from school I'm really fortunate that my job allows me to take her in and pick her up , for any parent to see there child runnin out of school and giving u a big hug the experience is priceless and its free

Pay day Thursday and lookin forward to paying part of my cards off and then giving them to someone to look after , I was goin to give them to a friend but not now as its the same friend as the one at work so thats a big no no think I will probably give them to my sister to be honest there's not really anyone who understands my addiction hand on heart the only person who I can rely on is jess she's the only one who is always there for me but at 9 its bit too much of an ask the would prob put them somewhere then forget lol

I prob will be fine anyway but I know that it will remove all temptation a lesson learned from last time

Back to work today just showered then goin straight in on till 7 then got to pick jess up from my parents so it will be bout 8 b4 we get back to flat , so another busy day and should be another gamble free day

Had no urges at all the determination is all I can feel inside me this time I want that better life and nothing or no one is goin to get in my way , my mindset is changing as every decision I make now I'm goin to ask myself how does that affect me and not just make it to please others , I look back and no one has done the same for me no one has given a thought to what I av gone through , I dont blame them only myself for letting myself be walked on

Loved and shown be loved plays a big part in my life , yes my parents love me do they ever show it , yes financially but no when it comes to emotions there is a massive barrier , my exwife said she did but her actions spoke differently I did everything for her and she did nothing to me a classic example been if she was goin out I would drive her here there and everywhere quite willingly if I was goin out I would ask her to drop me off the answer was well I suppose I will av to , a massive difference in my eyes many people of views when we split many focussing on my friend at work been the reason , for me I couldn't put up with been unloved any longer

My friend at work an on off relationship for 3 years the vicious cycle ,that woman I would av walked to the end of the world and back sadly in the end the feelings were not the same for me , the promises she made me over this time were endless the excuses she came up with basically she just wanted her cake and eat it and I allowed that to happen , for someone to look u in the eyes declare their undying love for u and promise they will leave there partner when all along they knew they couldn't for me is the worse thing possible if she had just said sorry can't do it I would av been fine when there's kids involved I understand but to blatantly lie I dont understand , the love I had for her is fading fast but what I dont like is that the love is been replaced by hate the bitterness and anger I feel towards her is not good for me , I always relate her to gambling I dont blame her she was that big jackpot always out of reach destined to be minesomething I always given into when I really didn't want it anymore the way of manipulating me back into their lives which brought me glimpses of happiness but def more outweighed by the pain and misery

So no more I'm not goin to run away from this I will stand up and fight I love my job I dont want to leave due to one person that has let me down so badly , what she feels now is unimportant to me she didn't care how I felt but I do need to forgive and move on from this

The one good thing that came out of all this is that she showed me how unhappy I was at home and could be happier , I av no regrets on leaving my wife it was the best decision for both of us in the end

What's important to me now its to stay strong no goin back keep steppin forward , the love of my life and the only person who loves me tells me and means and shows it it is Jessica the truly only person in my life who I can rely on to always be there for me

That feels much better to get all that off my chest too much anger inside me is no good

Yo,

What can I say , proud of you for opening up and getting it out .

Your relationship with your ex wife is similar to mine with hubby .

My view is there are givers in this world and there are takers . Pretty obvious which category we fell into .

Then one day you wake up and smell the coffee , and realise that you have given enough , your name moves up the long list of people you are trying to please .Understandably Jess is at the top and rightly so . But it's good to see that you realise that you matter as much as the next person !

My dear dear friend , that post sounds like a bit of an awakening , like where i am in myself and not before time I recon .

Tell Jess I loved the shadow people , although I thought Amanda Holdens reactions was well OTT lol

Take care Hun , big hug to Jess

Shiny xxxx

Thanks shiny

Awful day at work yesterday as was off Monday I only picked my emails up when I got to work , found out I av a visit wed mornin bout ten , with having jess Tues night and taking her to school means I won't get to work till half nine so it was a full on day with bare minimum staff as it always is now , tie that in with constant arguing with friend from work through texts , I know she's hurt out of all this but she had choices and didn't want to make them , been very quick to use my gambling now as the reasons why she couldn't do it , to be fair I can't argue bout that why should she take that risk my gripe is she should just av been honest , its amazing how people stereotype gamblers who just dont understand ,all I can do now is get on with my life try and be civil at work and given time I'm sure we will be the bonus side is she is fantastic at her job so I would be a fool to make it difficult and anyway I'm not that sort of person , I just want to draw a line underneath it all now think the sayin is play with fire and u get ur fingers burnt , lesson learned enough said

Today will come and go just like Sa always says the Sun will rise and the Sun will set all so true , no doubt today things won't be right but I will take it on the chin I know in my heart of hearts I give my all to that place and the results are there for anyone to see but we won't be playin that game today , I av broad enough shoulders so will take it all with a pinch of salt , not a positive attitude on that front but thats the way the big boss who's comin makes me feel but I take heart I'm not the only one

Hiya Castle

Brilliant posts there and lots I can relate to aswell....I think what happens in recovery is a bit like what happens in countries when there is a revolution...people have no energy to fight and stand up when they are downtrodden and exhausted but in time they tap back into their personal power and then its like the rocket fires up....

This is a good sign that your self esteem is on the up ....and the anger will pass and be replaced by putting energy into somethig that is reciprocal ....you deserve at least 50/50 my friend....

Shiny is right....there are givers and takers in life...im the same and Iits learnjng to be more selfish Iin a healthy way....we have tofind the right balance .....

Keep posting it all out xxxxx x

Ps ..check out the recent posts on oneday 123 thread on supporters castle ...may make you see your not alone when it comes to not having emotional needs met xx