reborn on the 4th July

Thanks everyone

Had a really busy 2 days at work and another 2 comin up so not much else to think bout which in my experience is no bad thing , it is scary how the days and weeks fly by doesn't seem 2 mins since xmas

Someone told me yesterday how their friends partner had blew 220 quid on mobile phone betting this resulting in the friend not been able to go out and get stuff for their kids , his answer to her when challenged bout it was I win it back next time ! This brought back a fair few memories for myself knowing the only way is to get help but u av got to want it , I think thats why so many diaries are started and gone with a few posts as the desire to stop is just not there its generally after a big loss and the pain is raw the determination is there never to gamble again but as we all know that wears off after a few days the finances get recalculated find more money and yes look to win what we lost back

I really dont want that life anymore I know the triggers all the reasons why I gamble and for me its just bout making the right choices and not put myself into situations that could allow me to gamble

Hi Castle

Great to read you've got such a clear mind on the gambling front and congratulations on however many days - must be a fair number by now. Stopping gambling wont solve all your problems but it makes you able to tackle them head on.

All the best

Yo,

Thank you for your post .

I can not tell you how much I value your opinion .

But I think that cos we are pretty much singing off the same song sheet in respect of our relationships .

Just watched BGT , does de-stress me . Not as good as last week but always leaves me feeling chilled .

Hugs to you and Jess

Shiny xx

Hi Castle,

I so relate to your last post friend. It pretty much just comes down to that. We just don't want that life anymore. Accept defeat, dig in and make the right choices one day, one hour, one minute, at a time. Whatever it takes. -joanxxx

I dont count anymore what I always know is I admitted my problem in Oct 2011 for the very 1st time and sought help and that day I will never forget.

Quoted from your post yesterday.

Castle,

I loved this paragraph so much that I have thought about it several times since first reading it. This paragraph is such a positive way to look at our recoveries. It is not about relapses instead it is about realising when we first came here and how we felt then and looking at the improvements in our lives since then and appreciating how hard we have worked to better ourselves, our lives and that of the ones we love the most.

Great, great post.

Tomso.

got to agree with Tomso,what a terrific summary of what we go through Castle

good luck to you mate and lovely reading about you and your daughter i've spent more time with mine in the last month than i have in the last few years ,great stuff!

Paul

Thanks everyone

Off today and was ready for it pretty much the same as last Fri , went to jess's assembly then to gym went shopping , washing and ironing all done , now sat down for a healthy salad , fears of a routine setting in my life as I'm getting older lol , which sometimes is no bad thing as previously gambling was at the forefront of everything if not gambling thinking bout it or counting money over and over again , thinking now it really drained my brain no other thoughts

My head is so much clearer but with 3 relapses I know it has to stay that way goin forward , I only can do that by removing all the things in my life that cause me unnecessary stress and that is at the forefront of my mind for now

You are sounding so much more relaxed without getting complacent so hopefully things are falling into place for you at last, I am sure they will.

xxx

Had a real mixed day yesterday , spent all day with jess had a nice lazy mornin snuggled up watchin tv then in the afternoon took her to funfair at a park , her mum picked her up bout 6 then was on my own for rest of the night , normally I would be ok as I work at 6 the next morning so go to bed early but this week comin I'm off , my thoughts should of been happy and lookin forward to been off but felt really low a few urges came and went but it was like I didn't know what to do with myself , ended up watchin some snooker then a film but all half heartedly , did manage to sleep but work was constantly on my mind must av slept well in the end as had a good ten hours which I was ready for

This week off is goin to be a tough one as not got many plans , goin to go to gym every day and got loads of films to watch so can spread my time out , know I need to be careful and try to keep busy as boredom is a key trigger for gambling for me

Normally my friend at work would come round most days which was great as it passed the days on and we got no so well and felt natural but I dont want to go back there its wrong and not right and the effects of this relationship is another trigger for gambling , been ok at work on that front not ideal though still no idea how I will move on from all this all I know is not to go back and I'm determined on that front

My main objective this week is to sleep as much as possible to switch off from work , recharge my batteries ready for my return

The clear message in my head that I repeat over and over again is I want that better life and lo keep goin forward and take no steps back

If I do life will get better that I av no doubt I need to stay strong and ride these tough times out

Been 3 weeks since I paid the 45 pound court fees not heard a thing from solicitors for me now there just taking the P**s but I can't control that for now and will deal with it when it as and when it happens

Off to gym in a bit then picking parts up to service car my brother in law is kindly doin it for me then picking jess up from school , so today is planned and will be another gamble free day

Only I can make that happen by makin the right choices

Yo,

Good morning , read your post with interest .

Seems unfair doesn't it , that we work hard and look forward to taking holiday off work . Then find its a battle with ourselves . I can totally relate to what you wrote , every time I am off I get that same feeling .

Think it's to do with boredom , think its to do with reward yourself ( cos we would reward ourselves with a punt) , think its to do with indulgent and a break in routine .

I have always found holidays to be the hardest time , and rarely went away to avoid those urges . I suppose staying closer to home made me feel safer .

Being prepared for the urges is a big part of the battle . Because then you can see them as they are , and bat them away .

Today is filled for you. So that's good.

Sure you will find things to do , you know you can get through this week with your recovery in tact . Just a question of taking it one day at a time .

Stay strong my dear dear friend

Shiny xx

Your right Castle ...only you can make that happen with the choices you make every day ....also I struggle with stuff when others appear to be holding the cards and affecting our lives like solicitors etc but as you say it's out of our control.

good on you not to go back to familiar territory ...it is the right decison and also will trap you ..I know from past experience in a similar set up I was giving signals out to not be available as my energy was tied up with thoughts of AN Other and wasn't being receptive to other people ..

at the moment Im continuing getting my own ship in shape and to be honest there isn't room or time for anyone else and I simply have nothing to give anyway.

You are on the right road ...

R and D xxx...just for today ...not falling down!

Thanks shiny and Rachael

Yesterday went well turned out to be an expensive day , serviced the car and got two front new tyres totaling 125 pound but money well spent that needed doin , I still remember now when gambling on the odd occasions when I won and needed parts for the car no way would I buy them with what I won , as we all know it was simply stake money to fund the next bet , went to gym picked jess up from school and took her to the park , went out last night for a few beers , the day went so fast and filled my time

Today just goin to gym and then catching up on some programmer recorded on tv , picking jess up from school then got her for the rest of the day , am looking no further than each day this week and enjoying that day and so far so good no urges and to be honest not alot of money now till pay day which is two weeks on Thurs I think mentally thats why I bought the tyres and serviced the car removing the temptation if it came along

Around bout the 3 week mark since my last bet and today I will add another day to that all by making the right choice and that is something I will always av

Hey Castle ...

Thanks for posting ....i'm currently taking some extreme measures to get the foundations right for the next chapter of my life...pulling up roots that have strangled me and all that...

yep...there will be casualties but it has to be done a bit like ripping a plaster off and letting the sores underneath finally heal instead of band aiding for the rest of my life.

keep strong and keep living in the day ....

R and D xx

Hey Castle,

What you said about never having the money to make needed repairs on the car or any other needful things for that matter was very true for us as well. There was always money to throw away at the casino but never any for us and for what we needed. Stay strong Castle, I will too. -joanxxxxxx

Had a good day yesterday just went to gym then went back to flat watched a bit of snooker and a film , had one or two urges but to be honest expected that , whilst working I dont av time to think bout anything else when I'm off esp for a week the time never gets filled and thats when it gets a tough , it was a short day as picked jess up from school took her to the park she made a friend in seconds its amazing how quick kids do that

Today takin jess to school then off to gym , later goin to see my sister and giving her my bank cards to look after , she knows of my gambling problem and to be fair as been understanding of it I wouldn't say supportive she has enough on her plate with her boyfriend who's very controlling been with him 14 years and hes treat her like s**t the times she's phoned me up in tears saying she's had enough only to go back , sounds familiar with myself with gambling and friend , ultimately only she can make the decisions in her life but I do question she can do it now , hes mentally abusive no physical just mental which sometimes is harder to deal with , I just hope she doesn't regret her life when she is older she has no kids went through the change in her late thirties due to the stress he had caused her , it saddens me as the times iv spoken to her for hours convinced her to leave him only for her to go back the next day , now I just support her thats all I can do just like I would expect of her for me , I want that better life I just wish she could find the strength to do the same but it has to be her that makes it

Goin for a beer tonite as well so hopefully today will pass with not too many urges , its so much easier when working as when ur off too much time to think bout stuff but I know I need the rest and do appreciate it

Just taking it one day at a time